Help no idea how to handle this situation

One comment though ..... why does he feel he needs control and why is she shaking her head behind his back?

She may have been shaking her head at the situation , i.e. the fact that the convetsation had to happen at all!

I think some young women turn into wee girls when their mum is about,maybe thats his fear .She may cope far better if mums not beside her and she's treated as an adult .Of course they should be on the same page about it but in the end you can hardly force your way past him at the delivery room door .

“If they did NOT make me...” Etc

These would be hilarious comments if they did make me so sad/angry.
“Man up”indeed! ???
I have no opinion other than what pertained to me or my daughters- and in their case, their childbirth, their choice.
Personally I may not too happy about whole families, old uncle Tom Cobbley and all in the birthing suite, but each to their own
The dig about doulas and aromatherapists was however unjustified!
No it's not fine even if the new mother wants it. She should man-up and do the job she was designed for along with the relatively modern luxury of a hospital staff smile
I don't understand why childbirth has become a spectator sport. It was bad enough when they started expecting partners to be present, but now we seem to be trundling in with entire extended families plus doula plus aromatherapist.

I was there for all five of my daughters' births. I didn't expect to be but was asked to be. It was a great privilege. I stayed at the head end of things and made myself scarce after the baby was born.

I have a VERY different experience to most of the comments above. I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. My daughters partner called me when he took her to the hospital and I was in the room with them both. My daughter was calm and in control the whole time and I touched my grandsons head before he was born. His mum was the first to hold him and I stepped back while mum and dad had their first moments and then was given the utter pleasure of holding my very first grandson while my daughter was made comfortable... he is my whole world now and I treasure every single moment with him, as does his papa (Grampy)
I think everyone should have the opportunity to give birth the way they choose. Our way was special for us as your daughters will be for her.
One comment though ..... why does he feel he needs control and why is she shaking her head behind his back?

No it's not fine even if the new mother wants it. She should man-up and do the job she was designed for along with the relatively modern luxury of a hospital staff

I'm not sure why giving birth has now become "family thing". If that's what the mum to be wants then I guess that's fine, but surely it's just time for the parents? Plus I don't k I'd where you are but in my experience UK hospitals don't have anywhere for extra relatives to hang around waiting for what could be a long time!!

I don't understand why childbirth has become a spectator sport. It was bad enough when they started expecting partners to be present, but now we seem to be trundling in with entire extended families plus doula plus aromatherapist.

We were neither invited nor did we expect to be at the hospital during our dd labours, we waited til we were asked to visit, and went the next day. Then we left them to it, to be alone with their baby. You had better get used to treading on eggshells, it’s what a lot of us have to do.
Congrats abuelana to you and your family, wishing you much happiness in future.

Do what your daughter wants. Once she is in labour he will be with her and won't even know you are outside waiting but if he does find you he will realise you are not interfering, just supporting. Wait to be invited in afterwards.

My granddaughter had twins 3 months ago. While she was at antenatal checkups she was given a form that she had to fill in an sign, stating who she wanted in the delivery room, and who she wanted to be first to hold the babies etc!
She wanted her mum and her partner there; partner was very happy with this. Ended up with an emergency c-section, only one person allowed in theatre - mum insisted on it being daughter's partner even though partner was nearly as scared as daughter!!
As others have said, it is a moment for the new parents.

As much as I would love to see a baby being born (I was trussed up in stirrups both times with mine so no real view), unless either of my daughters had no partner or other support, I wouldn't expect to be at the hospital during their labour which could likely go on for hours, even days!

However, I would be more concerned about the partner's attitude here- him wanting all the control and your daughter shaking her head out of his sight- it doesn't sound as if she 's chosen very wisely!

As other have said "It's their day, the start of their new family." He has expressed a wish for you not to be there, that may be hurtful and sad for you but he has the right to express his wishes, however, ...

What jumped out of your post was 1) your DD was shacking her head in the background and 2) he want's to be in control.

What is going on that your DD wants you with her when she is clear her OH does not want you there?

If at all possible I'd be having a talk with your DD when she is on her own (even if this is by phone) to clearly establish 1) what she wants in terms of support and 2) what does she understand by her OH's statement of "I want to be in control"

Me - and I accept it may just be me - but I'd be asking how controlling is her OH? In what situations is he controlling -if any?

Is he someone who really isn't in control of his emotions/actions yet feels the need to control situations/others? Or is he afraid that as much as he wants control he (like many of us) won't be able to be in control in such an emotional and unpredictable situation as a birth?

What is really driving his stated actions??? That's what I'd be trying to get clear information about and how does your DD feel about her OH's wishes over the birth and his actions around control generally.

There are a number of reasons people behave in this way, not all are unhealthy or unreasonable but some are and are indicators of future unhealthy behaviour.

I was very glad I was in the room for the birth of DGD. They had decided on a No Chemical Pain Relief Birth, all good stuff. I was there to use acupressure and relaxation techniques but as a Doula I could see my DD needed more help.

Midwife and Dr put forward a plan to SIL that wasn't too invasive and I could really see the reasoning behind it but he was digging his heels in on the No Pain Relief yet DD wanted change to go with the Dr's plan.

I was the lucky winner who got to talk him round. He'd had the we are trying to avoid a C section here and heartbeat/blood pressure talk from Dr.

DD kept saying I know what we'd agreed but I need this rest, that was then this is now. We got there in the end.

A couple of weeks after DGD was home SIL said "I don't know what happened, I don't know why I got to be that unreasonable, I'm sorry".

I did explain that as all their plans for a home birth went out the window he was desperately trying to hold on to comfort blanket of "the plan".

With all the changes and the fright of the situation his primitive brain had gone into the Fight, Flight, Freeze process and his rational brain was having a hard time getting back to working.

It happens, it happened to him then. He was just trying Freeze a changing situation fit into a fixed planned situation driven by fear but he was not going to let go of control. He's a good guy and a lovely Dad and OH but even he had a wobble.

So I'd be making sure you have a talk with your DD and listen to what she wants, why she wants it and why her OH wants 'control" and you out of the picture.

While I had to fight my DD corner and I know in the end the Dr's and Midwives will work with Dad to the point they have to ignore him because Mum and Baby's welfare really do come First.

Please take reassurance from the fact that if you can or if you can't work it out so that you are near your DD the Dr/Midwife will step in and make your DD and future DC's wellbeing more important that your SIL's wishes and if need be they will take "control".

However, you and your DD are still left to navigate the relationship part of the birth of your GC and the How and the What of the relationship with DD, SIL and DGC after the birth.

Is his wish to exclude you just around the birth of his and her child, the start of his own family? If so, it's understandable to a point so respect his wishes and manage the emotions as best you can.

If it's deeper and farer reaching make sure your DD knows even if she goes along with her OH for an easy life you are there when she needs to reach out. Don't push but don't move back. Good Luck with navigating your way through this.

You need to have a quiet chat with your daughter as it is really her decision if she wants you there or not.
Maybe your SiL feels a bit threatened by the closeness that you and your DD share - many men do not understand this, even if they also have a close relationship with a family member or friend themselves.
I agree with those that say that giving birth is a private matter -( in my case I wish that my ex husband hadn't been present at my sons birth as he was as much use as a chocolate radiator!)
Personally I see no reason why you shouldn't be at the hospital but only go in delivery room if and when invited - this might be a compromise SiL might accept and daughter be happy with if she wants you within call.

Not so long ago even the father was not allowed to attend the birth. It was still not common when my eldest was born 45 years ago.

Why all the fuss? Surely if DDs husband is able to be in attendance and wants to then that's it. Can't understand why family members all feel the need to be milling about awaiting outcome. What do they think they will be doing other than cluttering up the place. Once the birth has happened there is usually a "quiet" time afforded to the Mum and partner. Give them this, await news from proud new parents. It's not your baby. One born every minute has a lot to answer for turning huge private event into a spectator sport.

It sounds to me as if he is feeling a bit panicky and wants to find a way to take control of a situation where he clearly won't be in control.
I would try to have a chat with your wife on her own but you have to be careful not to make her feel that she is caught in the middle.
Unless he is always a controlling person, I would try to be understanding. I think it is hard for women to understand a man's emotions at this time. He wants it to be their moment. Let him have it. You will see the baby soon enough.

I wasn't at the hospital when my four grandchildren were born. I wouldn't dream of being there. When my daughter gave birth her husband was in control. He sent texts and a photo of the babies foot when he was born. My husband immediately thought something was wrong with the baby as they didn't show his face! I still feel guilty that we went to see my daughter in law the evening after she gave birth. She'd had a blood transfusion and didn't need a room full of visitors. My son felt we'd as much right to be there as her family, so we went. In hindsight we should have stayed away until she felt better. These days a normal birth does not require a lengthy stay in hospital so you should wait until they are home and then make it a very quick visit.

I was in the delivery room when my daughter gave birth to her first, her partner was not there - had an overwhelming fear of hospitals,, so I was there, I saw him born, dressed him, gave him his first bottle, ( daughter was being 'seen to')

With her second child her partner (different father) was there and so was my sister, I was minding the eldest child. When my nieces gave birth , they had their partners and a sister present.

My daughter has been present at the birth of two of her friends children ( partners were there also) it seems to be common these days that a woman has her partner and a female present at the birth. There's no hard and fast rules and it is what the couple decide in the end.

I have to agree that the decision is hers - and it sounds like she may not agree with her husband! It has become more and more common for women ot have their mother supporting them at this time. A woman who has been through it herself can be a great support, and in many cultures completely normal! I wouldn't have liked my mum there, we were close, but never really liked to admit that I had actually 'done the deed'! lol. My daughters were happy for me to be there and wanted me there. one only until she was pushing, then I stepped out, the other all the way. I am more concerned about the husband wanting 'control'.

I had my babies alone even though the second one was born at home, DH and MIL were in the house and MIL got to hold baby before DH and I did. In those days baby was washed and dressed before being presented to the family.
When GC were born I got a phone call to say it was on it's way and then another to say it was born. I would never wait around in a maternity hospital, they are not geared for relatives hanging about.

Bradford of course I know about the preview button but unfortunately I write as I talk and don’t work from an office point of view of checking ‘my work’ before pressing the button?? must try harder

Congratulations, Abuelana, on your coming GB (grandbaby)!

I'm glad you've decided to take GNers advice and step back a little.

I'm not sure, though, why DD's partner thinks he will "lose control" if you and DH are there or what he thinks he'll lose control of. But that's between him and DD.

In fact, IMO, since SHE's the one giving birth, HER wishes come first, not his. So if, after all this, she still asks you to be at the hospital, I think you should tell her you'll try. However, since her partner doesn't intend to let you know anything till after baby is born, she'll have to understand that you might not be there as early as she'd like.

Since he's so concerned about "control" though, IDKY you're afraid he'll leave DD alone. It sounds to me as if he has every intention of being there w/ her. Besides, there will be doctors and nurses coming in and out. She'll never be by herself for long. Everything will be ok.

Here's hoping DD has an easy childbirth and a healthy baby!

Bluebell There is an edit button of sort and I try to remember to use it.

Just click on the 'Preview Message' button and all your mistakes will pop up for you to correct.