How to tell father I don't want to stay with him when I visit?

When my partner and I visit my mother (both in UK but six hours drive) we stay in the nearby Premier Inn because I like an en-suite and some privacy. My mother doesn't like it but she's got used to it now. I feel that I have spent a lot of holiday time and money on family visits over the years so when my daughter and family visit the UK from Australia I am fine with them having a holiday in Europe and either meet them wherever they are, or they tag a few days in England onto that. They get an Airbnb when SiL comes or with me if it's just my daughter and/or grand children.

I doubt very much think that your Dad will really want you there 24/7 - he is used to his own space - and his own routine. Ofcourse, he would love to spend time with you and vice versa. Secretly, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you decided to stay in a hotel.
And you have to consider your husband's views on the subject. Have a lovely trip and enjoy your visit.

I agree with Bradfordlass. Let his cleaner do the housework. If it's not up to your standard, just bite the bullet and bear it for a few days. I imagine if your dad is able to look after himself when your not there he will be pleased to see you and spend some time in your company. Maybe your husband could manage to be a little flexible in his tolerating your dad too.

I don't like staying in anyone's house. When we went to visit my brother 2 years ago we told a white lie. We said we were tying the visit in with a business trip and the hotel was all paid for. He was happy, and we were happy.

The dad doesn't necessarily want you to stay, but may be embarrassed to say anything. It's a strain having guests to stay. Just book a hotel and don't worry about it - say it's to spare him the disruption.

Our 2 DSs and their families always stay at hotels when they visit us. This is because our DiLs like a spa experience when they're away from home. Or at least that's what we're told At first, I felt rather put out, but now I find we're happy they stay elsewhere and join us for various outings or activities. Your father may be relieved that he can see you and retain his own space.

My husbands parents simply told us we couldn’t stay anymore which put us in a difficult position as we could afford accommodation and we simply visited for the day instead.
We have the reverse with my brother in law who proudly announced that we could now stay with him as he had turned a downstairs room into a bedroom. I have informed him we will continue to stay in a nearby B n B as I like to be en suite and it has a car park. If we stayed with him we would be forever hunting for a space.
Could you say you have booked accommodation but will be with him everyday because you thought it would be too much for him?

Another vote for spending the days but not the nights with your Dad

It is lovely when family come to stay but oh how good to have your home back when they leave! I bet your father would prefer to live at his own speed and have jaunts out or visits from you. How much more restful all round!

It's quite possible he may also be relieved if you don't stay! I know he has a cleaner but he may also feel a pressure to tidy up etc before your visit, and it may be a big effort at his age. The feeling of irritation can work both ways too.

You love each other of course and you have been a good daughter. But when it can only be an occasional visit from abroad, the sudden 24 hour constantly being with him is possibly a bit much for you both. It's good to have a bit of down time.

I'd say to him you're staying at a hotel as your husband needs a real chance to relax. See what his response is. If he seems very disappointed you could suggest just that you stay with him for a few nights.

Also, perhaps do something different and fun for you both. Ask him if there's a special place he'd like to revisit with you. My parents in their 80s were taken by my sister on a tour of their old home area, were they lived when first married. They really enjoyed it. Treasure your Dad, you are lucky to have him x

Book into an hotel, your hard-working husband deserves the break and so do you.

You will be with Dad a lot but please don't go cleaning the house from top to bottom.

Just take Dad out, to wherever he loves: gardens, museums, for coffee or lunch, cinema, theatre, places you can both enjoy so he has wonderful memories when you go home, not looking back on you as cleaner and health shuttle although of course if he does have appointments you may feel obliged to take him - how does he get there when you are not with him?

Tell Dad that most nights, you and your husband have dinner for two booked as a special treat because DH works so hard and needs this break - and on one or two days you'd like to spend together (as well as at the family event you mentioned)

Tell him all this in advance, so he has time to let it sink in. You may find there's a bit of resistance, he loves you so naturally wants you there all the time but that isn't good for any of you, as you've found out.

Your visit needs to be enjoyable but you need to change the habits of the past now because as you, husband and Dad get older, none of it will get any easier.

My brother-in-law and his wife had this situation with my father-in-law, when coming from America. They booked in a hotel and saw him part of everyday, but still went out and did their own thing. I truly believe he was relieved he had his own space.

Last time they came (My FIL has since died) they did the same with us, despite us having 3 spare beds but no ensuite lol!!

Let your husband have his holiday and you stay with dad, if you feel you have to. As has been said, he may look forward to your visits more than he says/you know. Does your husband know how torn you feel now. I think most children feel in later life that they owe their parents, your husband perhaps doesn't? Some may see it as selfish that he wants peace and quiet and a relaxing time, after all, isn't that what holidays are for? Personally I don't go on holiday, they are not important and never have been. Plus I lost my parents/family many decades ago now so don't have this conflict.
Of course, it could be that your dad doesn't actually look forward to your coming and breaking his routine but doesn't want to offend you by saying so!
Talk to him, explain the situation.

Could you compromise and spend some time with your Dad and the rest elsewhere ?

sorry for the mistakes! My keyboard has a life of it's own now! Time for a new one!!

I do understand your predicament here. It is a difficult wondering how to please everyone! However, I do tend to think that as you live overseas and do not get to see your dad too often you might put how his feelings to the top of the list. He is obviously getting older now and used to be on his own. This does not mean he likes living on his own. I'm sue he is looking forward to you coming and some company, so be kind and stay with him unless he suggests/wants otherwise. You do not know how many more visits you may get to spend with him.

Just tell your Dad that you are staying in an hotel to save him (dad) the bother of disrupting his routine , and stick to it !