Not sure what to do

I’d say something. I’ve been in this position but from the child’s point of view, and it’s been horrible growing up with this. It’s emotional abuse.

Do talk to your son about this, for your granddaughters sake.

My daughter and SIL are splitting up and my daughter already has someone new... actually an old boyfriend. He is good with my grandchildren apparently... I’ve never seen them together. But my point is... if he was continually carping at my grandchildren my hackles would rise, and I would definitely say something to him. Same as when my SIL finds someone new... if I was ever to see her carping at two perfectly behaved kids I would stand my ground. You are their gran and know their good points and their naughty points. Say something and if your son is too cowardly to speak up on behalf of his little girl you must. I know when I was a child I’d much rather have a slapped leg for naughtiness than continually being told my bad points! It’s undermining her confidence, which she might not get back. Go for it! Stand up for your granddaughter.

Agree with all those who say this must stop. I bitterly regret not doing anything to help a little girl some years ago, thinking her parent knew better. This lack of action won't happen again if the situation arises again. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse.

Dillyducks thoughts are very good and practical. Have the little girl overnight sometimes, or the weekend. I had my lovely grandsons from age two, and bet she would love it. Perhaps the partner will appreciate that, being able to have your son to herself for a bit.

whenever I come across someone who is always right,that tells me they have some sort of psychological problem.I learnt this from being raised by a father with the same problem.How did it affect me? in a very bad way for many years. It took lots of life and self examination to make some sense of it.These control freaks see things only in black and white and there isn't a lot that can be done to change them,as they are always right. In a way they want to belittle you and as you said you had a hard childhood and it can hurt to see it being done to others.I have a similar situation with my daughter in law, I used to tread softly round her, now no more,there is the risk that it may backfire and they may see you as the bad one,but what is the option of keeping quiet? Its really difficult to witness it for sure. I stick to saying what what is grey in life!

Where is the child's mum? I think you need to have a private word with your son and point out just what is going on. Sometimes men just done see what is happening or go along with it just to keep the peace. If he wont do anything then have word with her. She hasnt had kids before and might just need some help or tips. Also dont stand back. Others have stood back in the past and bad things have happened. Please let us know how you get on.

Just so relieved that the 'she' is not the Child's Mum.

it needs sorted,my son and his daughter lived with us after he an his then partner split up.He didn't bring girlfriends home until he thought it might go somewhere as he didn't want the wee one getting fond of soeone who then disappeared fron her life .Sadly the first,lovely girl,he di bring home was awful to his daughter who was only about 4 at the time.She objected to him spending time with his child on weekends which " should have been time for them" she said the child was "needy" and it quickly became obvious she was jealous of a wee girl.He split with her,
Im delighted he has a lovely partner now 9 years down the line who treats our girl as her own...just as well as her daddy adores his wee girl ..and his new partner wh he moved in with 18 months ago .New baby on the way.Dont let anyone try to come between your GD and her dad.A child should always come before a new parner ,that child is his for life,partners can be changed

It's not even her child!!
Ban the stupid woman from coming to your home while the wee kiddie is there. And tell her - and your son - why.

I don’t want to sound like I’m playing devils advocate, and I’m definitely not being critical of Rolypoly, because I’d fight like a tiger for any of my grandchildren

But maybe this girl is insecure in her new role, and maybe when she’s just with the little girl and her dad, she’s different, just maybe she feels granny is undermining her

All that said, you must get to the bottom of it, the little girl should always come first thing

It is not unusual for a person be it male /female when entering a relationship, where their new partner already has a child, to feel insecure. They see themselves having to share his/ her affection so can become jealous.When the child returns from visiting the birth mother, and naturel for the child to relate details of the visit, is adding salt to the wound. Your sons partner reaction is then to take out her frustrations by picking on the child
I do not believe GD ,although not too young, is as some children of broken relationships might do 'playing one against the other' and this picking is the result of your S partners insecurity. It would not be unusual for your son to want to support his partner however he must consider his child and you should not delay advising him of your concerns.

From a previous poster:

Ban the stupid woman from coming to your home while the wee kiddie is there.

And so we eventually have another "no contact" situation.

Calm down dears.

Sarahellenwhitney

Well put, totally agre

I’m having terrible problems with my DIL. She possibly has mental health problems, but refuses to see a Counsellor. My GS has a v serious eye condition that requires cornea grafts, and is extremely depressed. My DIL has told me off for interfering and says she raised her children to be strong, and how dare I say that! I have supported my son and his family financially and mentally for almost 20 years. Only because I love and care for them. My DIL has 3 horses and yet I have clothed the children and provided for them. I didn’t mind because I loved them, but realistically I funded my DIL lifestyle. She has now stopped me from seeing my granddaughters, 10 and 11, until they are 16. My grandson, 19, still texts me, but she has now warned me ‘if I contact him or my son, he will lose his family’! My son, who still lives his wife, and adores his children, is totally cowed by it all. I have not heard from him apart from him blaming me for everything. I’m just so sad. I just can’t do right.

Agree totally, my life was made a misery by my mother with emotional abuse, I had to witness the same thing happening to my beautiful gran daughter, I refused to tolerate watching it and spoke up for her, didn’t go down well and we now don’t speak and it’s lovely not to have her around spoiling things & me having to tread on eggshells, go for it you won’t forgive yourself if you don’t,

The poor little girl! She is so young too! Constant criticism, nagging, pecking away at a person is serious emotional abuse. It is telling the little girl she is not good enough. The message she gets is that she is not worthy of love, that until she is perfect she cannot be loved.

The woman sounds as if she has problems. A person who "knows it all" and "If I say anything she knows best! She will get upset because she doesn't like to think she is in the wrong" is impossible to communicate with for a start! None of us knows best all the time or is never wrong, it goes without saying, so a person who has to be right all the time, who thinks she knows more than a Grandmother who has known the child from birth and raised the child's father too, well - she is not exactly humble and respectful is she? I am worried that she is jealous of your son's daughter and is trying to put her down so he finds her less appealing. I am worried that she does not like having a 5 year old around and wants your son's total attention and is irritated by the little girl. She is not behaving like an adult. She cannot listen for a start but does all the talking as you say.

I would try and be very firm and tell her you do know best and you do not want to hear any more from her.

I agree with the many people who have said how damaging this is to your DGD. GrandmaJan puts it so well when she posts out how emotional abuse in childhood stays with us all our lives. I for one can attest to that. I think you should try and protect this little girl in any way you can. Tell your son in no uncertain terms how badly it affected you. Tell him that it is abuse. Tell him that if it does not stop straight away then you will think about taking further steps to protect the child. I looked on the internet and there are several sites giving advice, I would type in "What shall I do my grandchild is being abused?" Or you can go to the CAB for advice. The kind of abuse may need evidence so if you can, write down some of the things she says and point out how this is continuously being done to the child. If, at the extreme end, any action were taken, it would probably be that the woman would not be allowed near the little girl, which your DS would not like.

Please make sure this stops. You know, I know, many of us know that the effect of this constant criticism is life-long. The child will lose her confidence and will be scared to do things where ever she is, it won't need the cruel person's presence for the fear to have its effect. We all know this.

I would move mountains to protect this little girl. She is being abused. There is no way of putting it in flowery language. Do whatever you can to help her, please.

Dear Rolypoly55
I took this from the NSPCC in the UK (I don't know where you are) and have copied it here in case it helps:
from:
www.nspcc.org.uk/globalassets/documents/information-service/definitions-signs-child-abuse1.pdf

What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is persistent and, over time, it severely damages a child’s emotional health and development.
It involves:
•humiliating, putting down or constantly criticising a child
•shouting at or threatening a child or calling them names
•mocking a child or making them perform degrading acts
•constantly blaming or scapegoating a child for things which are not their fault
•trying to control a child’s life and not recognising their individuality
•not allowing them to have friends or develop socially
•pushing a child too hard or not recognising their limitations
•manipulating a child
•exposing a child to distressing events or interactions such as drug taking,
heavy drinking or domestic abuse
•persistently ignoring them
•being cold and emotionally unavailable during interactions with a child
•never saying anything kind, positive or encouraging to a child and failing to
praise their achievements and successes.

Spotting the signs of emotional abuse
There aren’t usually any obvious physical signs of emotional abuse but you may spot signs in a child's actions or emotions.
It’s important to remember that some children are naturally quiet and self-contained whilst others are more open and affectionate. Mood swings and challenging behaviour are also a normal part of growing up for teenagers and children going through puberty. Be alert to behaviours which appear to be out of character for the individual child or are particularly unusual for their stage of development.
Babies and pre-school children who are being emotionally abused may:
•be overly-affectionate towards strangers or people they haven’t known for very long
•not appear to have a close relationship with their parent, for example when being taken to or collected from nursery
•lack confidence or become wary or anxious
•be unable to play

Agree with most other posters here. You need to talk to your son about this. He's putting this woman before his own daughter and there's a real danger of the poor child being psychologically damaged if this continues (I speak from experience) Is there any way you could record what she's saying as proof? It could be the only way your so will see sense. Nobody with a 'good heart' would treat a little girl like that.

I wouldn't suggest going to your son. It's quite likely to backfire, plus it's not your place to dictate how he parents or his partner does.

That said, if you are truly concerned, I'd suggest contacting social services. They can do an independent investigation.

I would take her to one side and tell her in no uncertain terms to stop it. You have a duty to protect this little girl. I don’t care what her reasons/excuses are. Zero tolerance to this bullying emotional abuse.

Gonegirl
"Just too much telling off " would constitute abuse if it is persistent. Too much suggests it is and the OP's description suggests it is. The NSPCC says "constantly criticising a child" is abuse.

With a child of this age one cannot be too careful. For a grandmother to feel the need to ask for help in a public forum always tells me there is some extreme need or even desperation behind her message. To me, she describes a woman who talks all the time, will not listen or take advice and thinks she is always right. This arrogant and opinionated woman, despite having no experience at all, is constantly criticising a little girl of 5 years. In the OP's words, she "picks at" and "niggles at" the child so much that the Grandmother cannot bear to have her there. When taken up about her criticisms this woman believes she is right, yet has no experience of raising a child.
From the child's perspective, Daddy has a girlfriend who does not like her and who every time she is there keeps telling her lots of things are wrong with her. This lady, whom her daddy likes, does not stop finding more things when she has finished with one or two bad things about her. The little girl may think that daddy might not like her because he likes this lady who does not like her and keeps finding things wrong with her. Daddy does not stop the lady saying nasty things to her so it must be true. She will think "I have so many things wrong with me. I don't know what they all are until that lady starts telling me. But daddy must know too because he hears her telling me off. I must be bad and naughty. Daddy does not love me because I have so many things wrong with me."

This kind of rationalisation of being "told off" and criticised repeatedly, especially for things the child did not know were wrong, is very common. I was a Teacher with qualifications in Special Needs then a Psychologist, so I have a bit of experience. But ask anyone who had a critical or unsupportive parent and they will tell you how it affected them.

I’m with Gonegirl, in that all the granny has said is that she’s ‘ picking on* the child. It could be that she is scolding the wee girl for things granny would let her away with, yet posters are advising talking to the dad or social services about emotional abuse!

I know no more about the situation than you do Tillybelle.

Social workers?!!! Really?!! (Haven't read all the replies)

(I've got a dinner to dish up)

Op knows what she is talking about, having been in the same situation, as have I. Wondering how much time granddaughter spends with the stepmother and if alone with her. This kind of thing is very damaging. Imho op might do best to bolster child whenever she gets a chance and also be super nice to the offender, make her feel good too.