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Son and Dil potentially moving to NZ

(43 Posts)
DillytheGardener Sun 02-Jun-19 17:40:30

My son and dil round today and they mention they are planning to move to NZ.
Both are annoyed about Brexit, like the PM there, and the real incentive is her immediate family have an empty house they can live in. Dil has contributed to the house, paid for a new roof on it etc and it is in a family trust so cannot be sold off. They want children and she doesn’t want to pay rent when they could save money. Things haven’t been great anyone and I feel like I’m going to lose my son and potential grandchildren. We could offer to help but that would mean our comfortable vacation lifestyle would end and that’s not the retirement I had in mind. Feeling like I’ve taken a punch to the stomach. I’m not surprised that dil has had enough of us and would rather return to her home country to bring up her children, but gosh it hurts.
Younger son will never leave thank goodness he will be like us and the generations before, live and die streets from where he was raised.

Nonnie Sun 02-Jun-19 17:52:23

That's hard to contemplate but they have to do what is best for them. They will have looked into it all before making the decision.

It is a lot easier these days to live far away with video calling and WattsApp group, we do it all the time and the GC love it too.

Just imagine planning your visit to them. If you are retired you can go for weeks and spend time looking at the wonderful country. There are some excellent organised tours if you don't want to do it yourself. If you haven't been to that side of the world already you could 'do' a different country each time you go.

Please try not to show too much how hard it will be for you. It won't help them if you make them feel guilty. Tough I know but they have to live their own lives.

SisterAct Sun 02-Jun-19 18:07:44

My heart goes out to you and your son and Dil. a hard decision - for her to leave her family originally and now hard for them, knowing you will be here and hard for you. As Nonnie says they have to do what is right for them.

I have two friends whose children have emigrated and no they don’t have the physical contact but both say they see and talk more through FaceTime and WhatsApp, as well as visit.

My twin left for Aus 30 years ago - it was £1 a minute to phone and letters took 2 weeks.

You can tell them it will be hard but they go with your support. Be kind to yourself 💐

Eglantine21 Sun 02-Jun-19 18:08:08

Oh, Dilly is this all tied up with your previous post? Is she hoping to make a fresh start?

I so admired your response to people’s comments previously and I’m sorry you’ve been dealt this body blow as well.


Hazelgran1 Sun 02-Jun-19 18:19:13

I really feel for you. My DS, wife and grandchildren are leaving for the US in August. I know it is right for them - and I will be really supportive and positive- but I still had to take time for myself to cry and stomp and greive and let it all out! Back to smiley

BlueBelle Sun 02-Jun-19 18:44:37

My son and then girlfriend emigrated to N Z 24 years ago they were just going for a look around and to see how the land lay I knew they wouldn’t come back that was just to soften the blow for me They married in Bali a year later and had their two children out there it’s a beautiful country and I gave them my blessing to do what was right for them
The children are now 22 and 18 I ve only seem then a handful of times
Yes I cried in the shower ( my favourite crying place) and I cry when I come back from a visit but I m still their Nan and mum They are happy have a good life and that’s just how it is
In view of your back story maybe your daughter in law sees this as a fresh start away from your sons drinking friends
Your younger son may want to spread his wings one day too, never try to clip them, even in your thoughts

Hertsbet Sun 02-Jun-19 18:46:23

You cannot stand in their way. You obviously made your choices in your life and they should be allowed to make their own. However much it hurts - and you will miss them - try not to show it. Offer your support but cry in private.

Grammaretto Sun 02-Jun-19 19:00:30

It happened to us too - about 12 yrs ago. They tried to play it gently by saying it might not be forever.
Of course it is!
However, on the plus side: we speak often on video.
We visit as often as possible and they come here.
We love that they enjoy their work and lifestyle.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, DH reminds me that all we ever wanted for our DC was for them to be happy and fulfilled. They are. We are proud of them.

annodomini Sun 02-Jun-19 19:37:06

NZ is a wonderful country to visit - one visit will never be enough. It is also a terrific place for children to grow up in. My great-nieces in Christchurch have a far more active lifestyle than my own GC as it is a very sport-oriented country. Just rejoice that when the GC come, they will have the privilege of being New Zealanders!

GrandmaKT Sun 02-Jun-19 20:29:29

Our youngest DS went to NZ for a year 4 years ago, and has never returned. He now has a Kiwi partner and they have just had their first child
While it is hard, and leaving them with their 4 week old baby this time was particularly hard, I have to remind myself that we brought our DC up to be independent and experience life to the full, and that is exactly what they have done.
We have visited 3 times and love the lifestyle over there. I am happy to know that my grandchildren will have a good, healthy upbringing.
As others have said, technology has made it so much easier to keep in touch. I hope you have many holidays there with your family.

GrannyLiv Sun 02-Jun-19 21:02:10

Many years ago my Brother and his Wife were seriously considering emigrating to Australia (ten pound poms!). When they told my Mum, she threw a tantrum, locked herself in the loo and bawled her eyes out. Even at my young age I thought that this was unfair of her. Many years later, my Husband had a shot at a new job in Germany. We were almost certain that we were going and decided to tell our respective parents. It did not go well with my Mum and I got a repeat performance of her running to the loo and locking herself in. I swore that I would not repeat this with my own son if ever he wanted to leave the country.

So when he announced that he and his GF were thinking about moving to New Zealand, I'll admit that I felt a bit choked up, but remembered that my Mum had effectively put the kibosh on two attempts in the family, to give ourselves a better life, so I put my feelings aside and showed an interest in where they were going to live, what they would do for work etc.

Life intervened, and now they have a daughter and plans of NZ have been pushed aside. And while this isn't 'exactly' like your situation, I am so glad that I didn't do the same as my Mum all those years ago.

Your choices are either to offer to help and maybe they will stay in the UK, or support them in their move. In the long term, which option will result in the better opportunities for your GD?

Willow500 Sun 02-Jun-19 21:22:38

This happened to us 6 years ago this month. My son married a Kiwi girl 12 years ago (although she'd been here since she was 18) and we knew as soon as they announced she was pregnant that they would emigrate which they did before our first grandson was born. As much as it devastated us to lose them I feel it was the right thing to do. They lived in London and had jobs with very unsocial hours which would have been impossible to maintain with a child and no family support - over there she has family and friends.

I won't say it's been easy for my son - he's homesick at times and even my DIL misses the UK but we still feel it was the right decision and I would be worried if they decided to move back. They have been back once Christmas 17 and are coming back again this December and we have been out there once.

Hard as it is you have to put a brave face on it and wish them well if it does happen. I too found/find it very sad that our little grandsons won't know us as well as our adult granddaughters do but they are now of an age to talk on FaceTime and I have been lucky enough to be able to see the daily diaries of the nursery they attend - the eldest is now at school and I do miss seeing how he's doing but still see the younger one at play. The education system over there is very good and they have a good life.

Avor2 Sun 02-Jun-19 21:33:50

My younger son and DIL moved to Portugal (where she originates from) as her mother missed her and wanted her home (she is on her own) so they have been there for 16 years now, I was so unhappy but couldn't try and stop them because it was their life, it turned out to be the best thing DS could have done, he has a brilliant job, beautiful daughter and a very happy life, and after all these years have got used to chatting on facetime etc which isn't brilliant but better than nothing, and we go over there as much as we can - obviously it isn't as far as NZ!! BUT now elder son and family who live in Somerset at present are thinking of moving to Australia, he isn't too sure but she is desperate to show him what it is like as she loves it there. So if he likes it they will be off. (was it something we said???) smile So obviously if that is what they want they must go, but we aren't getting any younger and we can manage 2 1/2 hours on a plane but going to Australia, I doubt if will happen although I would do my best to get there at least once. So here we are, we have each other but we will miss not seeing they kids (kids? they are 45 and 47) as much as we would like.

It is up to them of course, but deep down I would love them to be nearer us, I hope it all turns out well for you.

mosaicwarts Sun 02-Jun-19 23:12:56

My daughter is in New Zealand at the moment, back on Monday. She is either going to live there, or Canada, so whatever happens I'm going to have a long distance Mum/daughter relationship. Out of the two I hope she chooses NZ, my friend's daughter is there and she goes every winter and said it's marvellous. She's 69 and if she's going via Dubai books assistance - which I'd do, it's just such a huge airport. smile

cornergran Mon 03-Jun-19 00:25:49

It’s hard dilly when our expectations for the future have to change, but we can change them and have something good. If your son and daughter in law do go, as others have said, there are ways to keep in close contact and of course your holidays could be a longish stay in New Zealand. You’ve had a rough time lately, I recall your recent thread, this must seem like the last straw. Chin up, support them with a smile and you won’t lose either of them.

Izabella Mon 03-Jun-19 02:06:41

How exciting for them - and a wonderful place to raise a family. We have just got the latest round of plane tickets to see our lot over Christmas and New Year. You will soon get used to using the many methods of keeping in touch - and also planning trips.

A word of caution (kindly meant) do not hang on to your other son if he wishes to join them.

Greta8 Mon 03-Jun-19 05:14:01

Sorry to hear that Dilly. This news will take a bit of absorbing, I'm sure. However this may well be the best thing in the long run for your son. A fresh start in another country, a chance to put aside the difficulties he has created in their marriage. You daughter-in-law is an absolute gem, she has not given up on your son or her marriage. You will be able to visit for extended periods, which will be great. Once you get used to the idea, I'm sure you will see that it's the best option for them.

BradfordLass72 Mon 03-Jun-19 07:33:51

All these UK Mums and Grans/Grandads should charter a plane and go out to NZ en masse grin it'd be cheaper than individual flights.

Reading these sad accounts reminds me I did the same thing to my Mum, then widowed just over two years.

My sister, always her favourite, was still with her but Mum was upset when my husband and I, with all his family, announced our plans.

I had tearful letters every week, wrapped around tape recordingz of The Archers Omnibus! grin but eventually she became used to the idea and stopped asking us to come home.

After a 3 month visit, during which we toured extensively up and down both Islands, Mum realised she loved the country and began to consider coming out to us permanently, which she did in 1990 at the age of 73.

She had a much better lifestyle, a gorgeous home and subsequently, first class health care, and never regretted her decision.

My elder son now lives in Australia and although only 2,000km away, I never hear from him or see him. sad

Try not to be too sad Dilly and plan to visit when you can.

The world is getting smaller and our children have to be free.

leyla Mon 03-Jun-19 10:49:54

I really feel for you. You will have to make the best of it - go for as many holidays as possible and learn how to Skype, Facetime, etc. - presumably they are getting up when we go to bed so there must be certain windows of time to chat? (Others will have a better understanding of this).
It must also be hard for the sibling that is left at home as they will take on all of the 'parent care'!

DillytheGardener Mon 03-Jun-19 10:52:12

Thank you all for your kind comments, sharing your personal experiences, commiserations and advice. As a few posters have pointed out I think dil is grabbing the bull by the horns and is removing son from the temptation of his laddish friends and father. The family house is on beach near a seasonal town and close enough to a city to commute so it all sounds lovely for them, but my heart is breaking.
I think son has had so many chances so perhaps she thinks a change of scene and a fresh start will yield results where her efforts haven’t in the past with his friends and dad close by to distract him.
Sitting in my garden now wondering where I went so wrong to allow his dad to effect him so negatively, dil was quite happy to live here permanently as her work is here and this will be a disruptive to her career, so I blame husband for this.
Quite frankly I don’t want to speak with DH (damn husband) and would love to run away and move abroad myself. It’s been a rough month and I’d like to just hide under the covers and pretend it was just a bad dream

Elvive Mon 03-Jun-19 11:13:45

Dilly, I'm wondering where you are in all this? Forgive me if I am overstepping the mark but you seem to have lost yourself somewhere along the way.
How about talking it through with a counsellor ?

BabyLayla Mon 03-Jun-19 11:19:08

My heart breaks for you, my daughter emigrated with my darling GD, they had another GD out there and had a wonderful life, I missed them terribly but telephone calls are so much cheaper now and so easy to use video calling.
Please wish them to follow their dreams with all your heart, it’s what they need, to make their own decisions. Who knows they may return after a few years, mine did.

Jishere Mon 03-Jun-19 11:35:51

I agree this will be hard for you. But what a beautiful country.
My brother lives there with his family and they have a wonderful outdoorsy life.
They regularly skpye and went they come over it's for a month/ well last time was three month long vacation.

Chin up you can have holidays there.

maryhoffman37 Mon 03-Jun-19 11:41:53

If Brexit happens, I will feel like moving to NZ! Your holiday plans can include visits to that country but I do understand how sad you feel that your potential grandchildren will be so far away. My youngest leads a peripatetic life on a boat sailing round the world. Our first grandchild was born in Mexico and their second child was born in NZ. They come back every two years or so for quite extended periods and have been here for over a year this time, during which period their third child, our fifth grandchild was born! The two oldest really do know who we are from visits in both directions (I have been to Panama, Mexico and NZ in the seven and a half years since their travels began), Skype calls etc. You will manage and your feelings will change over time. But it's tough now.

WendyBT Mon 03-Jun-19 11:46:20

NZ is the most wonderful place on this planet to live and it's really not too difficult to get to for lovely vacations.

I think they are making a good decision to go and live there and it's a wonderful place to raise a family.
As others have said, there is Skype etc these days.