Daughter oroblems

I hope it all goes well for you. I'm supposing you have a Trespass Order lodged with the police now. That doesn't stop him coming round but it does mean he'll be arrested if he causes any bother on or near your property.

As you will probably know the Ngaio is an indigenous plant of New Zealand and used in medicine.

This beautiful plant is a great insect repellent. It has been traditionally used to treat ulcers, skin eruptions, eczema, pain relief and bruising. It contains Ngaione which is a potent anti-bacterial, killing all ranges of bacteria

Carry on repelling unwanted pests Ngaio

"It's mother's privilege to try to direct her adult child's life. "

Hmmm... IDK about that. It's the kind of "I'm still your mum, so I can still tell you what to do" attitude that caused issues between me and my otherwise lovely mum. But ...

"How you do it is the key to whether it's right or wrong to interfere and circumstances alter cases....if you choose to forbid this man your house you will be helping your daughter."

This ^ I agree w/. Nor do I see it as "interfering." The OP has a right to forbid someone in her house. And yet, by exercising her right, she will, in fact, be helping her DD, even if DD doesn't realize it for a long time.

Ngaiol, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you listened to the professionals. As a PP said, it's not just about protecting DD, but also about protecting you. Also, if they're not allowed to be at each other's flats, I assume the police don't want them together, period. Letting them get around that by moving in w/ you, would be defying the police in my view. Good that you decided not to.

Glad you changed the locks, too! I would even be wary of letting DD stay at my house for more than a few hours' visit, if that, b/c she might bring him in after a while. I know you love her and might want to see her sometimes, but IMO, that would be better at a neutral place, neither her house or yours.

In time, I hope, DD will realize this man is not for her. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for young women to have to experience a few bad episodes before they come to this realization. I trust you will be there for her when she does, no matter how long it takes. Until then, please be patient - and careful. Hugs!

Not a prayer etc, but hoping for a good outcome for you and your DD (and for the partner who hopefully gets the help they need too, but you need just concern yourself with you and DD)

Its very positive that the pros have a plan in place

Sending good wishes to you.

Ngaio1, I am glad you have listened to the professionals and followed their advice. The hardest love, and the best love we can give our children at times is tough love, when we must stand up to them and say no, when every strand of our heart wants to scoop them them and do everything we can to make them happy again.

Be strong and I hope everything gradually improves.

I had my meeting with professionals yesterday and they were both kind and very helpful. I can now clearly see the path to follow although it won't be easy. My house is to stay a no-go area for him and, thus, remains a place of safety. I have decided to change the locks and not give her a spare key this will go down very badly. I need to do it because if I am away at any time there is the chance of him sneaking in. I have had advice with regard to calling police if he breaks in.

A very big thank you to all who have given advice and support. It gave me more courage and determination to do the correct thing for both my daughter and me. Bless you all.

It's mother's privilege to try to direct her adult child's life. How you do it is the key to whether it's right or wrong to interfere and circumstances alter cases. You obviously have a practical and sympathetic attitude and if you choose to forbid this man your house you will be helping your daughter.

If I were in your daughter's situation I'd like my mother to protect me.

This is clearly a complicated and difficult situation and I suspect a lot more complicated than the OP is saying and possibly more violent as well.

In this situation if the police have recommended that you do not let them move in, then listen to them and do as they say. You say your friends are also giving that advice. They will have watched and seen the situation developing and understand just how dangerous the situation is.

I think you know that the police and your friends are correct, but you posted on GN as a last throw to try and find a forum that would say you should ignore the advice and let them live with you, which is what, in your heart of hearts you want to do.

Do you want to be another sad statistic in the papers, attcked or killed by this violent drunk and possibly your daughter as a victim as well?

You are I fear sadly right.

If you take her in she will drop right down on the priority list for social worker involvement/safeguarding/police/housing as she will be in a "place of safety" (even if shes not because he is sneaking in anyway) and you will get zero support.

While she is on "their patch" authorities are more motivated to put added support in place. Sad but probably true

Take the advice of the police, under no circumstances allow this man into your house, you could always allow your daughter to stay with you but make it clear that he is not to come anywhere near your home - or of course, seek the advice from social services. You have to think of your own safety.

Lots of thank yous to everyone who has posted. I know, really, what needs to be done but am not very brave!

Anyway, I have a meeting this afternoon with staff from the Housing Association who house both of them. (Different buildings). It was they who called the police last week. We, I think, are going to try and use a united front.

In some ways, it would seem the answer for daughter to move back here but it doesn't work full time - she can be controlling - and once she was here they might sneak him in when I go out. The other problem is that I am trying to get her used to living independently before I pop off! I know, from past experience that once you give someone a place in your home it is well nigh impossible to make Social Services or anyone else take responsibility and house them again.

I shall keep you informed.

Of course you want, and need, to do what is right for your daughter, but you also need to safeguard yourself too. You say that when he stayed at your place, he became drunk and verbally abusive to you, and, frankly, it doesn't matter what gender someone is, they have no right to do that, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You also say that the 'incident' you mentioned involved violence. I think your daughter needs to be protected from this person, and I suggest you take the advice of the police.

Listen to the police. There is something very wrong here

What a situation! I can't add to the advice above, just to send my sympathy for this awful situation.
And you obviously love your daughter very much and don't want her to suffer. As she has learning difficulties she probably doesn't fully understand what's going on. Especially if she's 'in love'.
xx

I hope so to be honest gonegirl I am thinking how OP can prevent worst case scenarios, and an "us against the world" situation would be pretty bad, but hopefully wont come to that

Think you might be over-thinking it there notanan. ( 13:50:13)

You say that you didn't call the police, the "authorities" did.

Who do you mean, exactly?

I would take the advice of the police. You must safeguard yourself and your daughter and your property should there be any retaliation. This man has mental health worries I am guessing and really needs professional help.

It isn't only your daughter that needs safeguarding, I know that's how you see it as her mother but the police see it as safeguarding you as well.
They both have somewhere to live, they aren't homeless, it's just that they want to be together and can't do that at the moment unless they are at yours.
I don't think you have to come up with a solution to their relationship, it is theirs to solve. I appreciate there are a lot of factors and it's not a simple boy meets girls and off they trot into the sunset kind of thing, but it is theirs to work out.
If you allow them into your home you will make it too easy for them, they will stay together longer because it's an easier situation than being apart.
Is this your daughters first big romance ?
I appreciate you said she can be difficult and doesn't have a wide choice of partners but could you meet up with her socially without him and do something together ?
If they both keep their own homes and continue it might just die a death and fizzle as all relationships can do.
If you help her build up a social life with or without him at the moment she may just move on naturally.
Look at this from the viewpoint as any parent who dislikes her daughters choice in partners, remove the learning disabilities and his emotional, alcohol excesses from the problem and you're still left with 2 people who are not making each other happy.
Listen to yourself, your friends who know you and your daughter, listen to the police, you know what you need to do.

Just say no. There's too much here for you to deal with. Why can't this person go and live with HIS parents?

Definitely try to get her to move in with you without the partner. Otherwise, let them get on with it, but well away from you.

But that could risk the OP as being painted as the enemy as she would become the "gatekeeper" IYKWIM and that could drive the couple closer together and cut the DD off from her mum??

I dont think that the partner seeking help can come from the OP one way or another. At any rate they sound acutely unhinged so unlikely to seek help without a section anyway.

What is most worrying is the DDs immediate safety. OP this cannot be all on your shoulders. You need the police and Adult social services to advise you more. Its no good telling you to call them once it gets violent, there needs to be a plan in place to reduce the risk of violence in the first place.

Definitely try to get her to move in with you without the partner. Otherwise, let them get on with it, but well away from you.

I don't think the transgender has anything to do with anything btw. It's the person that counts. And this person does not sound good.

Would your daughter consider moving in with you without her partner, or do you think she's better staying in her flat? It does sound like this person is an unsuitable choice and it doesn't really matter if he is a man, woman or transgender the fact is he is violent and the police and authorities are concerned about his behaviour. My instincts would be to keep my daughter away from him, but if you can't then perhaps you can encourage him to get help for his problems? He really does need to do this before he is allowed to stay at your daughters or your house. Is he only violent when he drinks, or is it at other times as well?