Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Daughter oroblems

(31 Posts)
Ngaio1 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:09:19

Hello, I am searching for advice since I have so much going on in my head that I could easily make a disastrous decision

My daughter (32) has some learning difficulties and is in a relationship with a transgender (now male). I don't have a problem with this per se - she can be trying and would not have the same, wide chance of a partner. The problem is this: the "man" has severe emotional problems and these become noticeably worse when he has been drinking. He is unhappy living where he is and, because of a recent incident, is not welcome at my daughter's flat or she at his. Before this they have been staying for some weekends with me and I was ok with this as it made her happy. Last week the police became involved and he was removed from my house. (I didn't call them - the authorities did).

Because they have nowhere to go they are pressing me to allow him back in my house and, probably, move in. Of course, that will mean that she will want to move in as well. Advice from friends and the police are not to allow this to happen. I really don't want it either. I know that things will become very difficult between me and my daughter and there will be a terrible atmosphere.

I desperately need an outside perspective on this - perhaps I should add that the incident involved violence and the police were adamant that I call them if I spot him near my house. The last weekend he spent here he was very drunk and was verbally abusive to me. I need to do the correct thing to safeguard my daughter - if they are under my roof perhaps I can better protect her. I am so confused.

Ngaio1 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:10:00

Should read problems! Just shows how scrambled my brain is!

notanan2 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:29:17

Wow there's a lot there.

I think keeping a line of contact with your DD is the priority. You dont want them getting into a "the world is against us, like romeo and juliet" mentality and cuting you all off.

How difficult and upsetting.

I would venture that there is more of a history than just the incident at your house which is why the police are so concerned that you call. Is there a liason you can speak to about how to proceed?

Any other services who can advise you? Are SS involved? If not, you can call adult safeguarding via your local council for guidance.

Umfortunately, transitioning is "sold" online as the magic pill to right a feeling of "wrongness".. and a disproportionate amount of vulnerable/ autistic people and people with mental health problems get told that they will suddenly feel "right"/"normal" if they do it ....... but then there is a huge let down when they transition but their issues are still there... which is why so many detransition.

And if someone finds that transitioning didnt fix anything, or made things worse, all that online "friends" and support they got when transitioning turns to attacks and bullying. There is NO support for detransitoners. All of the support is for transitioning. So people just dont know what to do if they transitioned, and still feel depressed/"wrong"

Unfortunately it sounds like your DD has found herself slap bang in the centre of that sort of fall out.

Luckygirl Mon 03-Jun-19 13:30:08

I think you should take the advice of the police - they will have good reason for this.

EllanVannin Mon 03-Jun-19 13:31:11

Yes---------you do have a problem and a half !

My views on some transgenders might sound controversial but I often wonder whether these people really wanted to change in the first place ? Or whether it was that their minds were in so much turmoil at that time that they hadn't known who they were ? As a consequence because of all their indecisions it can and does affect them emotionally for a long time to come, ending with many mental health issues.
I would say that this " now man " needs serious counselling before he begins any sort of a relationship. A GP visit would be the first step and then a referral made to the appropriate department .
If there's no reasoning or if he refuses treatment for his behaviour, then show him the door as he sounds " dangerous " too.

gt66 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:31:25

I'm sorry to read about the problems with your daughter's partner and, as much as you can sympathise with someone who has obvious emotional issues, to me, it doesn't sound like a good idea to let him/them live in your house.

Could you instead try to encourage him to seek help for his problems?

Florence64 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:38:07

Would your daughter consider moving in with you without her partner, or do you think she's better staying in her flat? It does sound like this person is an unsuitable choice and it doesn't really matter if he is a man, woman or transgender the fact is he is violent and the police and authorities are concerned about his behaviour. My instincts would be to keep my daughter away from him, but if you can't then perhaps you can encourage him to get help for his problems? He really does need to do this before he is allowed to stay at your daughters or your house. Is he only violent when he drinks, or is it at other times as well?

Gonegirl Mon 03-Jun-19 13:43:03

Definitely try to get her to move in with you without the partner. Otherwise, let them get on with it, but well away from you.

I don't think the transgender has anything to do with anything btw. It's the person that counts. And this person does not sound good.

notanan2 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:48:28

I dont think that the partner seeking help can come from the OP one way or another. At any rate they sound acutely unhinged so unlikely to seek help without a section anyway.

What is most worrying is the DDs immediate safety. OP this cannot be all on your shoulders. You need the police and Adult social services to advise you more. Its no good telling you to call them once it gets violent, there needs to be a plan in place to reduce the risk of violence in the first place.

notanan2 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:50:13

Definitely try to get her to move in with you without the partner. Otherwise, let them get on with it, but well away from you.

But that could risk the OP as being painted as the enemy as she would become the "gatekeeper" IYKWIM and that could drive the couple closer together and cut the DD off from her mum??

Chinesecrested Mon 03-Jun-19 13:58:01

Just say no. There's too much here for you to deal with. Why can't this person go and live with HIS parents?

PamGeo Mon 03-Jun-19 14:18:28

It isn't only your daughter that needs safeguarding, I know that's how you see it as her mother but the police see it as safeguarding you as well.
They both have somewhere to live, they aren't homeless, it's just that they want to be together and can't do that at the moment unless they are at yours.
I don't think you have to come up with a solution to their relationship, it is theirs to solve. I appreciate there are a lot of factors and it's not a simple boy meets girls and off they trot into the sunset kind of thing, but it is theirs to work out.
If you allow them into your home you will make it too easy for them, they will stay together longer because it's an easier situation than being apart.
Is this your daughters first big romance ?
I appreciate you said she can be difficult and doesn't have a wide choice of partners but could you meet up with her socially without him and do something together ?
If they both keep their own homes and continue it might just die a death and fizzle as all relationships can do.
If you help her build up a social life with or without him at the moment she may just move on naturally.
Look at this from the viewpoint as any parent who dislikes her daughters choice in partners, remove the learning disabilities and his emotional, alcohol excesses from the problem and you're still left with 2 people who are not making each other happy.
Listen to yourself, your friends who know you and your daughter, listen to the police, you know what you need to do.

sharon103 Mon 03-Jun-19 14:31:09

I would take the advice of the police. You must safeguard yourself and your daughter and your property should there be any retaliation. This man has mental health worries I am guessing and really needs professional help.

phoenix Mon 03-Jun-19 14:34:36

You say that you didn't call the police, the "authorities" did.

Who do you mean, exactly?

Gonegirl Mon 03-Jun-19 14:43:34

Think you might be over-thinking it there notanan. ( 13:50:13)

notanan2 Mon 03-Jun-19 15:10:20

I hope so to be honest gonegirl I am thinking how OP can prevent worst case scenarios, and an "us against the world" situation would be pretty bad, but hopefully wont come to that

Fennel Mon 03-Jun-19 15:24:53

What a situation! I can't add to the advice above, just to send my sympathy for this awful situation.
And you obviously love your daughter very much and don't want her to suffer. As she has learning difficulties she probably doesn't fully understand what's going on. Especially if she's 'in love'.

Madgran77 Mon 03-Jun-19 16:18:01

Listen to the police. There is something very wrong here

Nansnet Tue 04-Jun-19 05:16:51

Of course you want, and need, to do what is right for your daughter, but you also need to safeguard yourself too. You say that when he stayed at your place, he became drunk and verbally abusive to you, and, frankly, it doesn't matter what gender someone is, they have no right to do that, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You also say that the 'incident' you mentioned involved violence. I think your daughter needs to be protected from this person, and I suggest you take the advice of the police.

Ngaio1 Tue 04-Jun-19 09:07:16

Lots of thank yous to everyone who has posted. I know, really, what needs to be done but am not very brave!

Anyway, I have a meeting this afternoon with staff from the Housing Association who house both of them. (Different buildings). It was they who called the police last week. We, I think, are going to try and use a united front.

In some ways, it would seem the answer for daughter to move back here but it doesn't work full time - she can be controlling - and once she was here they might sneak him in when I go out. The other problem is that I am trying to get her used to living independently before I pop off! I know, from past experience that once you give someone a place in your home it is well nigh impossible to make Social Services or anyone else take responsibility and house them again.

I shall keep you informed.

fizzers Tue 04-Jun-19 09:35:29

Take the advice of the police, under no circumstances allow this man into your house, you could always allow your daughter to stay with you but make it clear that he is not to come anywhere near your home - or of course, seek the advice from social services. You have to think of your own safety.

notanan2 Tue 04-Jun-19 10:12:05

You are I fear sadly right.

If you take her in she will drop right down on the priority list for social worker involvement/safeguarding/police/housing as she will be in a "place of safety" (even if shes not because he is sneaking in anyway) and you will get zero support.

While she is on "their patch" authorities are more motivated to put added support in place. Sad but probably true

M0nica Tue 04-Jun-19 13:39:29

This is clearly a complicated and difficult situation and I suspect a lot more complicated than the OP is saying and possibly more violent as well.

In this situation if the police have recommended that you do not let them move in, then listen to them and do as they say. You say your friends are also giving that advice. They will have watched and seen the situation developing and understand just how dangerous the situation is.

I think you know that the police and your friends are correct, but you posted on GN as a last throw to try and find a forum that would say you should ignore the advice and let them live with you, which is what, in your heart of hearts you want to do.

Do you want to be another sad statistic in the papers, attcked or killed by this violent drunk and possibly your daughter as a victim as well?

Alexa Tue 04-Jun-19 13:45:02

It's mother's privilege to try to direct her adult child's life. How you do it is the key to whether it's right or wrong to interfere and circumstances alter cases. You obviously have a practical and sympathetic attitude and if you choose to forbid this man your house you will be helping your daughter.

If I were in your daughter's situation I'd like my mother to protect me.

Ngaio1 Wed 05-Jun-19 09:15:47

I had my meeting with professionals yesterday and they were both kind and very helpful. I can now clearly see the path to follow although it won't be easy. My house is to stay a no-go area for him and, thus, remains a place of safety. I have decided to change the locks and not give her a spare key this will go down very badly. I need to do it because if I am away at any time there is the chance of him sneaking in. I have had advice with regard to calling police if he breaks in.

A very big thank you to all who have given advice and support. It gave me more courage and determination to do the correct thing for both my daughter and me. Bless you all.