Feel Misunderstood

I to are in this state I cry and cry but what can one do if you say some thing you lose your son I think when the family come around she say nothing when I ask her some thing its just one answer than stop it my grand daughter birthday to morrow but I just cant go as her family is all talking and just me sitting and no one talk to me but thay are good to my son and so I don't sat nothing

I have been in this situation but decided to take the higher ground .If you let someone know they are hurting you they win the day. Make yourself not mind and very soon you won’t . If you see them fine if you don’t ,don’t bother . There is no other way. Live your life , enjoy them when you can ,agree and smile . Some people are born disagreeable and are always right . If your son happens to be married to one of them it’s because he’s more submissive than the woman . These people are generally difficult characters but someone has to love them . Just be as pleasant as you can . Never show you are annoyed . In the end you take the higher ground and this makes you the better person

Apologies, it should have read

all of you who say, like fluttERBY123 that this is your story too.

There are so many Grandmothers here saying how painful the relationship is and giving such wise advice! I am always overwhelmed by the love and wisdom here on GransNet. I am so sorry for you annemac101, to hear that the tears are flowing and all of you who say, like annemac101 that this is your story too.

Isn't it strange how when we are young nobody tells us that this adorable little baby will grow up and when he makes us a Granny it will be the hardest time in our life?

Thank God we Grannies all have each other! A whole union of wisdom and love, across the world, meeting here on the www to send support and understanding and tell us we are not alone!

Morning Dina
I can understand how you feel. Our son divorced and few years later met a Japanese woman. I flew out on a visit n found out by accident he had married her. My DH and DD were not asked to the wedding n yet I saw photographs of all her family n friends at the wedding. We had no idea it was a massive shock. I knew I had to be careful n smile as she is totally controlling. My son will always support his wife no matter what. Eventually our first grandson was born n they flew to UK to see us. We made them very welcome and I thought all would be well. Sadly it’s not the case I walk on eggshells if I am ever in her company which is not very often but I love my two little grandsons although I see them one a year for about 1O days usually when my D H and I visit Tokyo. You can forgive but you never forget. I try so hard I send gifts over to them but she never acknowledges them. If our son face times with the children she sits there using her laptop and never says anything. It’s really sad but I was given some advice. I don’t let her see me upset and remain jolly but also was told to sit back and step off the gas. One day hopefully our grandchildren will be able to visit us when older. Sadly this can happen when sons marry but little you can do. Try not to get too upset v difficult I know especially if like us you were a close family. Best wishes.

Dear DinaLK,
I feel a very distressed person behind your curtailed letter trying to get across to us a horrible and unfair situation.
Like Urmstongran and SparklyGrandma, I am very struck by your words:
my son allowed his companion to disrespect me and, in turn, he disrespects me.

That is horrible! I am so sorry! I am so shocked! You poor lady! That must be so hard to understand let alone cope with. Yet I should know, for having dealt with a very difficult and dangerous husband from whom I protected my children then raised them alone after his death, dealing with his debts, my own daughter now believes her husband and does not respect me yet I can honestly say I have done nothing but support them, never intruded on them but frequently helped them when asked. I do understand that feeling of a knife twisting in your heart when your adult child turns against you with absolutely no reason.

Unlike most people here, whom I respect enormously and believe have given extremely good advice, I am going to stick my neck out a bit and take the other tac. It's not actually "the Devil's Advocate" but you'll see what I mean.

Whereas most people wisely suggest trying to understand the viewpoint of the new g/friend who may find it hard and to go softly etc. I want to look at her in a different way. I wonder if, despite your not being able to write in detail, you are saying that this new girlfriend is in fact a very outspoken, opinionated and trouble-making person. In other words a nasty woman. It sounds as if she might have deliberately stepped in to separate your son from his friends and family. Are you able to find out if she is isolating him from other people with whom he would previously have shared his time and thoughts? My "colleagues" here on GNet wisely keep to assuming she is a normal person who has some anxieties about her new relationship. That is a perfectly reasonable view. I would like to play the opposite view, just in case it is what you are up against. Obviously I don't know - but then none of us here knows what is actually going on.

I'd like to ask you to think whether this new g/friend might be one of those terribly self-centred and unreasonable people who always wants her own way, always wants all the attention and cannot share her partner with anyone. There is the possibility she is one of those people who is so unreasonable that you will never get anywhere with her. The sad news is, in this situation, your son will not see her for what she is for quite some time. He will make excuses for her, become isolated from friends and family, and basically be bullied by her. All you can do is be constant, remain firm, do not get sucked in to rows, wait on the outside to gather him up if and when he needs it. Meanwhile simply do not let this unreasonable and very hurtful behaviour hurt you. There is no point in trying to talk it over rationally, the g/friend is not rational and has now altered your son's whole outlook. Just protect yourself and do what you can.

All the above advice is just in case the situation should be one in which the g/friend is this particular type of extremely difficult person. I don't know if she is. If it doesn't apply I am very glad! If it doesn't apply then take no notice. I only wrote it here just in case.

I really feel for you because I have a similar situation with my daughter. How I wish I could hug you! Life is hard as a Grandmother. We are helpless in so many ways. Please listen to SparklyGrandma
"Be kind to yourself maybe find something to distract yourself", such good advice!

Sending lots of love Elle x

This post has been good for me. I've been feeling down with the lack of interest from my son. This has been going on for years I sometimes wonder if Im invisible. I usually just don't think about it but I know he was near where I live a few days ago and didn't visit and its annoyed me.
I'm lucky in that if I ask for grandchildren to come and stay it's no problem but between times he never thinks of visiting. A few months ago I was ill in hospital for 3 wks he eventually visited in the third week. My DIL visited twice with grandchildren.
What nanny piano said really hit home " Sometimes we're not as important to them as we'd like to be" I wonder where my little boy who couldn't go anywhere without me has gone,I miss him. Yes he's grown up and I've made him independent, I just wish he cared a bit more. I'm taking all advice given to OP but the tears are flowing.

There’s some wise advice here. I am in the same boat and draw some kind of comfort that am not alone etc etc.
Accept it as a success not a failure, although as someone else here said when contrasted with other families who seem so wholeheartedly loving and supportive across the generations, it is hard not to compare and feel we are missing out. But I also know that letting them go is the right thing because they cannot be stuck in that child relationship and men do seem to completely replace one major female relationship for another.
Women, because we have always been on the outside ? and socially dependent ? and the ‘other’ are more nuanced in our affections but the unreflective woman can be fearsomely possessive of the man in her life. It’s not new.
We really do have to step back here, as mother/wife confrontation would not be healthy or wise.
It is probably our greatest challenge and can knock the wind out of our sails. My DIL is quite cruel to me but over sentimental to others. I don’t get it. But I have to. I wish she was bigger, kinder, more thoughtful because really I am so glad he is a husband and a father but she is both disrespectful and jealous of me and I can only hope that in time she will wise up. In the meantime the stage is rightfully hers and I will do all I can to make it ok.

Love0c, I could have written that myself. Shut up, put up, do the trivia, keep the relationship going.

Just imagine if you had a fabulous relationship with your father....and your amazing new husband rubbed him up the wrong way. Your husband makes you very happy.....your father asks for you to support him, can you see the dilemma?

Everything and everyone in our lives are only on loan to us. We really own nothing, especially our children. We know we have done a good job bringing children up if they no longer rely on us, but make a new life with a partner and are happy.We bring them up to let them them go. That's how it is. Sometimes we are not as important to them as we would like to be, but be thankful for seeing them when they have time and sometimes sharing family time. But we can't ever take it for granted that it will happen. Take a step back, is the best. You are only disappointed if you have great expectations that don't materialise and that's not your children's fault.

My DS has had 2 significant relationships in the past 20 years or so, one of which produced a son, the other relationship is ongoing. Neither of his partners have arranged for us to meet their families although we visit where they live at least once a year with plenty of notice...and they have both visited us and met our extended family. Neither have we been invited into their homes since the first separated from DS and he has chosen not to share a home with the second. I find this surprising as I would have thought such invitations were courteous at the very least but I have accepted now that it is never going to happen. I made a conscious decision not to be over involved/possessive with our children having grown up in a family which was very 'enmeshed' and have probably gone to the other extreme. We have had our ups and downs with our AC's over the years but communicate and visit fairly regularly but not often and live several hundred miles away. It feels a bit odd but we find it manageable and do not question DS's current partner's reticence on the invitation to her home front. I have friends who Skype/phone weekly if not daily and visit AC's several times a year. I mention this to show that we all have different ways of being in our AC's lives. We are grateful that they let us know when they need a bit of help or a listening ear but, equally, as we are both entering our 7th decade we won't always be there for them and cannot always help them out to the extent that they need.

I would take a step back. Leave them alone for a bit....it’s only natural-and right that your son prioritises his partner....You may not like what’s happening but if you go with the flow, they will respect you and you relationship will improve with time. If you don’t get to like his partner, you just have to take it on the chin....it’s his life, not yours....sorry to be blunt....Hope it all works out.

well you never know ,he might just see the error of his ways .just be pleasnt to her .bite your tongue when you feel like saying something. but he did choose her.its klike the saying you can choose friends but not your family. of course your son is the apple of your eye and you want the best for him.but if he wants his new partner thats his decision .maybe the relatrionship wont last .who knows .be patient .be kind. and grit your teeth...you could be in for a bumpy ride..

It’s probably the most tense relationship in the world Mother in law/daughter in law

I don’t have a daughter in law, but I remember being a young daughter in law, and I have to say, I very often had to bite my tongue, which I did for family harmony

She probably had to do the same on occasion!

Difficult situation.I did not like how my daughters new partner treated her three children from a previous relationship. I found it very difficult to say nothing.On one occasion I just lost it with him. These were my beloved grandchildren.

Urmstongran no, I scrolled back too.

It’s a period of adjustment getting used to new relationships our AC have, but adjustment is the way to go.

Be kind to yourself DinaLK, maybe find something to distract yourself, and head for it when the situation gets hard maybe?

Similar situation here, caused permanent rift with son. Over it now, it happened ten years ago. We mothers have to respect the fact that whether we like our sons partners or not, whether they like us or not, it is only natural our son would take their side and put them first now... not us. It's called letting go of the apron strings isn't it? Letting them get on with their lives, making sure they know we love them.

I agree Bijou. I know I would have been my mother in laws last choice for a daughter in law ? but we rubbed along for many years until my husband’s death when she loosened the ties.

I very much respected her and still miss her.

It may sound sexist but men are so different to women in so many ways. IMO they always do what their partner wants, right or wrong. You just can't win with them. It's just how it is. I asked my DH one day why men are like that and he said it's for a quiet life. But I think there's more to it than that. I think it's how they are "wired". I remember my Dad would do anything my Mum wanted. DDs are totally different. We have to accept it but it's taken me a long time.

Been there, done the time, DinaLK.

As you have wisely said and others have remarked, ^ do what's right, be respectful, try to not let my feelings be hurt, try not to take things personal, and just try to enjoy time with them.^

Find nice things to say about them, their arrangements, his partner and anything else you can think of, be positive every time. If she is indeed saying negative things (which may/may not be the case) your positive stance will only stand you in good stead with your son.

Keep going, it will work out

Time will help you with this.

My daughter in law and I have never really got on but have tolerated one another. We both have our faults. She and my son are very close and never quarrel. It is their golden wedding this year.

Although I can’t help you here, I have 3 sons and yes, the wife/partner will always win.

I get envious of other families and their close bonds. It is just the different dynamics and genetics. I loved my parents but didn’t want to socialise with them or be round them very much once I was an adult. I did care for them though and certainly did my duty if you like. My sons love me but don’t spend much time with me but know where to come when in need!

I have friends who are always with their adult children, socialising and holidaying.

I think the best thing is to live your own life and don’t make such a big thing about your son. Enjoy your grandchildren but fill your life with hobbies, friends and doing your own thing.

Bridgeit, I could not agree more. With three DIL's I have to hold it in and ‘? Let it go, Let it go?. It can be difficult but rather that than be estranged from them now or in the future.

Urmstongran me too.

Yes I agree with March it's hard but your son has to get on with his own life and mistakes.
Try not to focus too much on this and don't let resentment build, enjoy your life and leave them to theirs.