I am realising I am very antisocial, and I don't want to be.

I know I’m in the antisocial camp. I find being in a large group absolutely exhausting and I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go on holiday with 17 other people. I sometimes wish I was better in social situations but whenever I end up in a group I just get so bored with the non stop chatter that other people obviously enjoy that I want to run away screaming. I don’t make comments, rude or otherwise, but just shrink into a corner and pray for deliverance! I think at this stage we have to accept how we are and don’t need to put ourselves in situations that are torture.

I might manage a weekend with 17 people but 10 days-No Way!!! I think perhaps the pressure of being with all those people for so long has made you more intolerant and certainly if I was in that situation I would be bad tempered. As far as the man goes he sounds like a pig and if your friends are laughing at him they are not being good friends to his wife. I might also be inclined to point out to your 'friends' that he may be laughing at them when they are not around.

I don’t know 17 people, it’s always been just me and DH, 50 years now, we’re very much Hilda and Trevor, we enjoy each other’s company, we have our alone time for our hobbies, otherwise we’re together.

I try not to look to the future.

Don't go on holiday with 17 other people ever again, sounds like a nightmare, I'm sure after 10 days I would have had my head stuck in a good book.

I wish you had been on holiday with me and my DH last year. We booked a private car and driver to take us from the airport to our hotel in Spain. An hour long trip. The English driver talked complete drivel all the way there barely pausing for breath and including some intimate details about his family. My DH looked out of the window pretending not to hear. I felt that I couldnt ignore him but my ears were practically bleeding by the time I got out of the car. We then had the same driver on the return journey two weeks later.
I could have done with someone like you to shut him up.
Some people canyt take a hint .
Nightmare.

We too are staying in the UK, and we won’t be going out of our way to make any new friends!

soda ? holidays are nice wherever you spend them. We are staying in the U.K. this year.

It's much the same at Butlins in Filey whitewavemark2

We never have a holiday with anyone. Neither do we “make friends” whilst on holiday. We often do tours in Europe as they allow us to see much more than a single stay or driving ourselves with the stress of navigating my DH that involves, but we always keep our communication polite but distant if you know what I mean.

The only time I can remember spending any time with another couple was on the Maldives but of course two weeks on a tiny island paradise it is difficult to ignore your neighbours in the next hut and bumping into them snorkelling etc.??.

I think some of us are oppositional by nature while others feel more comfortable going with the flow. So on hearing that man being silly and getting affirmation from the group could be the red rag. In truth as we know both are necessary. And I think the OP is a bit worried she has strayed too far in the oppositional camp. It’s very easy I do it too. I think what people don’t realise is that you can be thinking benign kind thoughts and then, without hardly a decision being made find yourself reacting against something stupid and not keeping it to yourself. The jury is out as to which is most wise. I think we all remember when it wasn’t wise but we also fume at our mute response when someone should have been challenged.
I think I am seen as critical and I don’t want to be seen like that. Should one ever be judgemental? Apparently not it’s a big question.
I think I regret more the times I didn’t say anything. Held back because I thought I didn’t understand that there must be some information I wasn’t getting. There wasn’t. I should have spoken up. So steady as we go, it is one thing that greater age emboldens us to do more fearlessly than when we were young. I’m sure like me you would never be unkind and attack those weaker than yourself.

Glad to hear it, Scentia!

Thanks for all the comments, they are truly helpful. My DH has said I am fine to pick and choose my social events and most certainly I should avoid any more group holidays.

starlady
Do you have an aversion to typing the word with
Very odd (and annoying)

Good for you Scentia,
Yes your husband has a point ,ie perhaps pick your battles
But the incident that you have described was just ‘perfect’IMO ?

I' m not a groupy person. Some small talk is necessary but to voluntarily go on holiday with 17 people you have little or nothing in common with verges on self punishent.

Scentia, either you're introverted, as a PP suggested or you're socializing w/ the wrong people (outside of DH). I agree w/ DH that you should avoid putting yourself in situations where you'll be uncomfortable. Vacationing w/ 17 people, some of whom you barely know, for 10 days? Uh, no. That could be difficult for many people, and knowing what a private person you are, IMO, it was the wrong scenario for you.

It's not up to DH to monitor what you say, however. His suggestion regarding that man's awful behavior was good, but, IMO, it was also ok to say something. How would he and everyone else have reacted if it were a woman making inappropriate comments about her husband, I wonder? I suspect some sexism here, and as another poster suggested, that's just as wrong as racism or anti-Semitism, etc.

If you'd like to learn to hold your tongue more often, then i suggest practicing in smaller groups. But, overall, in the future, I think you need to be more selective in who you spend your time with and don't be afraid to turn down social events or vacations you can't handle or won't really enjoy. Avoid socializing w/ people you think are "idiots." Perhaps, sometimes, DH can go on is own if he wants to attend the event. But other times, he'll have to realize he'll have to cut back along w/ you (like if it's a 10-day vacation).

Nansnet is right Scentia. If you limit your socialising to people you like, you aren’t going to find yourself in that situation again

I’ve been thinking about the man I was so hasty to condemn as a sexist pig as well, I know a lot of men who say silly things, but are really harmless, people just laugh and roll their eyes, I still think I would have said something, but not in a nasty way

I think, without being there, it’s hard to judge the situation

I also like my own company and I find that, now I'm older, I have less friends. I think that's because I now choose very carefully, and wisely, who I let into my inner circle. I no longer want to be around people who annoy or irritate me, or people who make me miserable. I'd much rather have a smaller circle of true friends who take me for who/what I am ... people who are on the same 'wave-length', whose company I enjoy, and who make me laugh and smile. Some people I know have very large social circles, who they call friends, but in reality they aren't people they know well, or even like very much, and they have very little in common with them. I don't think you need to change at all ... perhaps simply don't put yourself into situations, such as holidaying with 17 'friends', when you know you actually don't particularly enjoy their company ...

I'm like you! I think that I must suffer from social anxiety because I can cope quite happily with a small number of people but 17 would make me have a panic attack. ( I do suffer from anxiety but some social events really set me off). Why don't you and DH agree to differ and take part in different activities? And try a different sort of holiday where you can do your own thing!

Don't try to change, please!

You sound like the ugly duckling who has not yet met up with the swans.

I think there can be quite a difference between dealing with public when its part of your job and being generally sociable.
With the former you put more of a act or face as it were, though to be quite honest I sometime feel I'm putting on an act in a social group where I do not know people well. I think there is a recognised thing where you slightly adapt your demeanour to suit the group. With true friends you can be yourself.
As I mentioned earlier we can be quite a solitary couple (excepting close family) but we do enjoy small cruise ship experiences where you get the most out of it if you do mingle freely. Perhaps we have been lucky in out choice of cruises but we have met some fascinating people who have been great company. Only once did we find ourselves at a small lunch table with a couple who really gave us the creeps. We found out later that others had felt the same!
Must admit I do wish I was one of those people who can come up with a witty line to diffuse unpleasant people - never happens with me so I shall stick to my 'look'.....perfected running pre-schools!

Paddyann

I too deal with the public all day, mostly they’re lovely, and it’s a pleasure, inevitably, some are rude and unpleasant, so when I go on holiday, or as you say, even when I get home at night, the last thing I want to do is make more small talk

I don't agree with your description of yourself - going on holidays with 17 other people is something which no antisocial person would do. I'm antisocial and don't even know 17 other people.

If you don't suffer fools gladly, and are inclines to speak sharply to people when you don't like them, I'd suggest that you stop socialising with so many random people.

I think I am a bit like that sometimes. This morning I went to a group I belong to. My friend wasn't there and the conversation was so banal I couldn't join in. One woman never speaks, another has verbal diahorrea, one is deaf.The others talked about mundane things. Part of the problem is that these are mostly uneducated ladies. I go because I enjoy the activities and the coffee.

You really dont NEED to go on holiday in a crowd if you dont enjoy it.I've worked with the public all my life and I love having my own space .Today for instance I dealt with over 100 customers in avery short space of time ...just over an hour and a half.I was only handing out orders and taking payments but you have to be upbeat and friendly and by the time the stuff was all dispensed with I was jiggered ,mentally and physically
.I was happy to come back to an empty studio and even avoided the phone for the first hour or so as the thought of having to speak to someone else was difficult
I think because I'm often surrounded by happy people out having fun,drinking and socialising at events that I enjoy my own space much more .I dont like going on holiday with anyone but my OH ,the idea of 17 folk would frazzle me.Just be you dont attempt to change if you dont want to .I have to go back to my event tomorrow for a similar number so I've had an evening of almost complete silence and its been bliss.Roll on retirement