son on exchange programme

Another tale which seems quite unbelievable to many of us, although, of course, it could be true.

I think that’s what we ve all been waiting for Fatso to tell us Jura
Why did son go off abroad when wife and baby asked him not to?
How long is he away for?
Saying he has lots of expenses makes me wonder is he supporting his wife and baby whilst he’s away?
Where is h living on this exchange? You say he will go to a hotel if she comes to him but why couldn’t she stay with him ? Well is hypothetical anyway as it doesn’t look as if she has any intention of visiting him
Was the marriage in trouble BEFORE he took on the exchange or was it the exchange that destroyed them ?

I must be missing something here - but who would go on an exchange programme when one has a young baby?

I went on exchange programme to Germany, in Berlin, for 4 months- one DD was in 6th Form, the other at Uni. I couldn't go as part of my B.Ed.Hons Degree because they were too young, and go an exemption.

Apologies for the autocorrect.

How long has your son loved abroad?
How many times has he visited his wife and son in his home country?
How often do they keep in touch?
How much longer does he have left?

Your son should be ashamed.
Your dh is already checked out of the marriage and enjoying his single life. Has he always been that selfish?

He demands his wife to travel to him, with a toddler, in a country she might or might not be familiar with. AFTER he has been "bribed" aka relatives offered for him to visit his wife and son.
He doesn't want to call her, he wants her to initiate contact.
How can he be so cruel?

He is only offended she does not want to see him because she is in the same country.
If she wasn't, he wouldn't care.
So he doesn't want to see her or her son, he just wants to call the shots and have her at his beck and call

Their marriage is already doomed.

I don't think your son is in the right frame of mind mentally to resolve the marriage issues. He's trying to play games of one up manship and you Dil is having none of it. Well good for her because if he really wants to sort this mess out he needs to act like he wants to sort it out instead of playing brinkmanship. I think you need to give him a good shake, I understand you're upset by the situation but he doesn't seem bothered. what with threats of divorce and demands that she should be the one to travel etc etc he seriously needs to pull his head out of his arse and act like his marriage is worth saving.

It sounds like you have more interest on your ds working on his marriage and seeing his wife and son than he does.
He sounds very uninvolved.

If my dh did it to me, I would have interpreted as he abandoned his child and wife.
If my parents or his parents offered to pay for him to visit, i would be so offended and I would not want to see my husband.
The fact that your dh wants to see his son is a little insulting, as if the wife was a second priority
Everybody needs to back off.
Let your son and dil solve their differences

Gosh, your son needs to be the bigger person and phone his wife, not indulge in childish games. If he loves her, he'd be moving heaven and earth to see her and the baby.

I really don't know what to do, am really worried about all of them as i love dil and gs very much. yes she is outside of europe, her relatives don't want her to see him as it appears they are angry with ds for the way there marriage has been going, she is not in asia.threfore no culture issues.she has not contacted ds for last few days since she has been there otherwise they use to talk everyday.I am encouraging him to phone her but he says he wants her to make the first move.

There is still much to explain Fatso if you truly want opinions from the other Grans.
This is a sad situation, but if you really hope it can be resolved, both sides have to be prepared to give a little.

How can your dil's relatives stop your son from seeing his wife? They don't need to meet at the relatives house, they can meet for coffee or lunch or in a park or somewhere else neutral.

“he is happy to stay in a hotel if she will go and she him but her relatives will not allow it, she told me this herself”

Fatso, in the light of your above comment I wonder whether the country your son has gone to is outside Europe and somewhere perhaps where the culture is different. I fine it very odd that relatives would not “allow” your daughter to see her husband. The whole scenario sounds a little strange. Perhaps you could enlighten us a bit further with more background?

It sounds as though the DIL regards DS's actions as the final straw in their marriage. Unless he had no choice in the matter he was a bit selfish when he chose to leave her alone with a young child while he went off on his exchange programme. She has been living as a single parent
How long has he been abroad?
How many times has he been back to see his wife and child?
How many times has he threatened to divorce her for not doing what he wants - that's pretty controlling and she may have decided to call his bluff and get divorced seeing as she is already living a single person life

She please read my post before you comment,I have explained this

If your son is so keen to see his child why can't he travel to where his wife is staying and see them? He can more easily travel than she can, with a baby, and he can stay in a hotel. In fact, if it's only two hours away, why can't he go for the day?

sorry maybe you have all misunderstood, the baby is nearly 18 months old, dil has gone to the same country ds is in but has no plans to go and see him - she is about 2 hours away and staying with relatives, this people do not ds to stay with them so he is unable to go there to see his wife and child, he is happy to stay in a hotel if she will go and she him but her relatives will not allow it, she told me this herself before she left.

Surely this can't be true?

Why has your son gone off ‘to do his thing’ although his wife with a baby didn’t want him to go .... that’s surely not her fault I m not surprised the marriage is in difficulties
he has already spent a significant amount of money to get there, rent accommodation etc well that was his choice not hers, so perhaps that’s all part of the problem, perhaps he’s spending money that a young couple with a baby can’t afford
Sounds terrible timing if there’s a baby involved
And he expects her parents to pay for him to travel to see him your having a laugh aren’t you
None of this sounds like her fault but your sons, but either way it’s nothing to do with you and they ll have to sort if out the,selves but if she’s asked him not to go and he’s gone anyway I m guessing there’s not much hope

This is one of those situations where you need to stay out of it.

A parent should never intervene in an AC's relationships, and an AC should never ask a parent to intervene.

A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's natural. That's okay. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that by definition a parent is not an objective third party in such a situation.

If your son starts bringing his issues with his wife to you, I'd suggest just telling him, "You need to discuss that with your wife". Or, suggest that he needs to get marriage counselling. (If his wife won't go with him, he should go alone.)

My married son is on an exchange programme abroad, whist dil is still here, she will be going to the same country he is in for a few weeks to visit relatives but has no plans to see her husband

I thought this was going to be about children on exchange visits, but apparently not.

I know some jobs require working abroad but this sounds like a choice, so I am wondering why they have not gone abroad as a family? Why have your DIL and new baby been left behind and why would your son choose to do this just when there is a new addition to the family?

I know it can't be helped with certain jobs but this sounds like something he has chosen, so perhaps your DIL is feeling quite upset about this.

They need to discuss this between themselves as adults with a family to consider and without interference from other family members (apart from perhaps caring for the baby whilst they do so).

Lets not immediately jump to blaming the DIL’s actions on post partum or baby blues.
It’s an offensive suggestion and belittles her actions and feelings to being just “hormonal” and therefore unreasonable.

What we do know is that Son wanted to go abroad, DIL did not and Son went anyway.

He went anyway even though he knew she did not and he willingly left her and his son to do what he wanted.

What he is facing now are called consequences.

We also know there are quite a few additional outside parties in this marriage- including OP and DIL’s extended family.

This needs to be resolved between Son and DIL.

DIL is leaning on her family because she is in an unhealthy marriage, as is Son who contacted his mom about the issues.

Neither of these two people are “adulting”. They are both doing what they want regardless of the other’s needs/wants and then crying to their parents about it. Their parents are jumping to fix it for them, which is probably why these two cannot “adult”.

Tell them you love them and hope they work it out.
Then change the subject.

This is the first time you have mentioned the baby. Surely that makes a difference? How old is the baby? Is your DiL, perhaps, suffering from 'baby blues'? Could be that she wants to get right away from the situation - including you, the in-laws - and clear her head.

Dil flew out yesterday, she has made it clear she does not want to see her husband, we have offered to pay for him to visit her and he is happy to stay in a hotel if she came to see him- she is staying with relatives and i understand they do not want him there as they are aware of the issues in there marriage.ds is trying very hard to fix what has gone wrong but i think she has made her mind up- he very much wants to see his baby son.

I think he's making excuses tbh, if he cared about his relationship he'd travel to see her, 3 hours is nothing. He's married so should be an adult not running to mummy for help cos hs nasty wifey won't do what he wants. He ignored her when she said she'd didn't want him to go and no he's throwing his dummy out of the pram because she won't go and see him. How old are they 12?

Then pay for him to go and visit ... if you think it might help.