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son on exchange programme

(39 Posts)
Fatso Sun 09-Jun-19 10:32:21

My married son is on an exchange programme abroad, whist dil is still here, she will be going to the same country he is in for a few weeks to visit relatives but has no plans to see her husband, this has really annoyed ds and now he says on his return he will file for divorce, i think he should forgive and forget but he is not prepared to do so.

FlexibleFriend Sun 09-Jun-19 10:36:04

I suspect there is more to it than your brief description maybe she didn't want him to go and he ignored everything she said. Whatever is going on it's impossible to give an opinion on so little information.

March Sun 09-Jun-19 10:40:13

1) Just because its the same country doesn't mean it's 20 minutes away. It could be hours.

2) He can visit her.

3) If my husabnd threatened divorce because I wasn't doing as he wanted, he would be told what for.

Blinko Sun 09-Jun-19 10:40:22

Thing is, how much would you expect or be able to influence the outcome anyway? It's their problem, I'd have thought. They have to sort it.

leyla Sun 09-Jun-19 10:46:27

Depends on size of country and how simple and safe it is for her to travel. Also depends whether she sees him regularly - is this one of several visits when she has seen him previously? Also depends on why he is there (did he choose to go against her wishes?), why/who she is visiting (e.g.sick parents, etc.). Has she already been to see him, did he neglect her whilst she was there?
Why can't he travel to see her (does she feel it's his turn?)?

There are so many unknown factors that it's not possible to say.

Callistemon Sun 09-Jun-19 10:58:15

Are you a new poster Fatso?
If so, welcome smile

Fatso Sun 09-Jun-19 12:03:51

Yes, she did not want him to go, and her folks have paid for her to go over, they live in uk, this is the first time he has been away sine they married a few years back.They have been having issues in there marriage for a while as she prefers to spend more time with her parents than husband, had she not been going to the same country as he is in there would be no problem, he is happy to go and meet her if her folks paid for him to travel. she will be about 3 hours away from where he is.

Nanabilly Sun 09-Jun-19 12:07:19

Why on earth would her folks have to pay for his travel to go see his wife. Think there is more to this than you know or are letting on about.

jura2 Sun 09-Jun-19 12:09:30

no-one can give advice on this situation surely - as none of us have any idea of what the real circumstances are.

Luckygirl Sun 09-Jun-19 12:14:41

I should just keep out of this and voice no opinions.

jura2 Sun 09-Jun-19 12:16:12

When I went on an exchange for several months to Berlin- it was only following long conversations and OH and DDs, one at Uni the other still at home finishing A'Levels - and it was a fabulous experience.

FlexibleFriend Sun 09-Jun-19 12:18:38

Like I said before too little information, drip, drip. Why do her parents have to pay for HIM to visit his WIFE, what nonsense. Sorry there's far more going on here than we're being told.

Fatso Sun 09-Jun-19 12:21:38

the problem is as they are already having difficulties he does not like it that she will not go an see him, this would definitely help with the marraige, he has already spent a significant amount of money to get there, rent accommodations so she will have a place to stay.if she was not going over than it would not have mattered.

midgey Sun 09-Jun-19 12:22:54

I am afraid however much you would like to help it’s not your problem.

jura2 Sun 09-Jun-19 12:24:22

Then pay for him to go and visit ... if you think it might help.

FlexibleFriend Sun 09-Jun-19 12:28:01

I think he's making excuses tbh, if he cared about his relationship he'd travel to see her, 3 hours is nothing. He's married so should be an adult not running to mummy for help cos hs nasty wifey won't do what he wants. He ignored her when she said she'd didn't want him to go and no he's throwing his dummy out of the pram because she won't go and see him. How old are they 12?

Fatso Wed 26-Jun-19 10:45:20

Dil flew out yesterday, she has made it clear she does not want to see her husband, we have offered to pay for him to visit her and he is happy to stay in a hotel if she came to see him- she is staying with relatives and i understand they do not want him there as they are aware of the issues in there marriage.ds is trying very hard to fix what has gone wrong but i think she has made her mind up- he very much wants to see his baby son.

annodomini Wed 26-Jun-19 11:47:09

This is the first time you have mentioned the baby. Surely that makes a difference? How old is the baby? Is your DiL, perhaps, suffering from 'baby blues'? Could be that she wants to get right away from the situation - including you, the in-laws - and clear her head.

GoodMama Wed 26-Jun-19 15:08:36

Lets not immediately jump to blaming the DIL’s actions on post partum or baby blues.
It’s an offensive suggestion and belittles her actions and feelings to being just “hormonal” and therefore unreasonable.

What we do know is that Son wanted to go abroad, DIL did not and Son went anyway.

He went anyway even though he knew she did not and he willingly left her and his son to do what he wanted.

What he is facing now are called consequences.

We also know there are quite a few additional outside parties in this marriage- including OP and DIL’s extended family.

This needs to be resolved between Son and DIL.

DIL is leaning on her family because she is in an unhealthy marriage, as is Son who contacted his mom about the issues.

Neither of these two people are “adulting”. They are both doing what they want regardless of the other’s needs/wants and then crying to their parents about it. Their parents are jumping to fix it for them, which is probably why these two cannot “adult”.

Tell them you love them and hope they work it out.
Then change the subject.

Callistemon Wed 26-Jun-19 15:14:21

My married son is on an exchange programme abroad, whist dil is still here, she will be going to the same country he is in for a few weeks to visit relatives but has no plans to see her husband

I thought this was going to be about children on exchange visits, but apparently not.

I know some jobs require working abroad but this sounds like a choice, so I am wondering why they have not gone abroad as a family? Why have your DIL and new baby been left behind and why would your son choose to do this just when there is a new addition to the family?

I know it can't be helped with certain jobs but this sounds like something he has chosen, so perhaps your DIL is feeling quite upset about this.

They need to discuss this between themselves as adults with a family to consider and without interference from other family members (apart from perhaps caring for the baby whilst they do so).

agnurse Wed 26-Jun-19 15:45:39

This is one of those situations where you need to stay out of it.

A parent should never intervene in an AC's relationships, and an AC should never ask a parent to intervene.

A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's natural. That's okay. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that by definition a parent is not an objective third party in such a situation.

If your son starts bringing his issues with his wife to you, I'd suggest just telling him, "You need to discuss that with your wife". Or, suggest that he needs to get marriage counselling. (If his wife won't go with him, he should go alone.)

BlueBelle Wed 26-Jun-19 16:40:31

Why has your son gone off ‘to do his thing’ although his wife with a baby didn’t want him to go .... that’s surely not her fault I m not surprised the marriage is in difficulties
he has already spent a significant amount of money to get there, rent accommodation etc well that was his choice not hers, so perhaps that’s all part of the problem, perhaps he’s spending money that a young couple with a baby can’t afford
Sounds terrible timing if there’s a baby involved
And he expects her parents to pay for him to travel to see him your having a laugh aren’t you
None of this sounds like her fault but your sons, but either way it’s nothing to do with you and they ll have to sort if out the,selves but if she’s asked him not to go and he’s gone anyway I m guessing there’s not much hope

Callistemon Wed 26-Jun-19 19:22:40

Surely this can't be true?

Fatso Thu 27-Jun-19 22:31:32

sorry maybe you have all misunderstood, the baby is nearly 18 months old, dil has gone to the same country ds is in but has no plans to go and see him - she is about 2 hours away and staying with relatives, this people do not ds to stay with them so he is unable to go there to see his wife and child, he is happy to stay in a hotel if she will go and she him but her relatives will not allow it, she told me this herself before she left.

SueDonim Thu 27-Jun-19 22:44:50

If your son is so keen to see his child why can't he travel to where his wife is staying and see them? He can more easily travel than she can, with a baby, and he can stay in a hotel. In fact, if it's only two hours away, why can't he go for the day?