Bad mother ?

I feel a bit like you Babs54. For some reason my son does not get along with my daughter any more, even though before they both married they were the best of friends. Yet when their dad died the only person my son wanted to be with was my daughter. I also don't see my sons children anymore as they are now at the age that they don't need me for school pick-ups etc. I now only hear something when they need a favour, It feels very lonely at times because I used to spend such a lot of time with them. I live alone and don't have any friends, my sister was my best friend, we did everything together, but she sadly died 2 years ago. Like you I try and avoid being 'piggy in the middle'.

Just take a big step back... difficult to do but do something entirely for you that you enjoy. Let them come to you... our biggest fear is losing the love of our nearest and dearest. My Mum did this many years ago ... I had that kind of behaviour with my Sister and I’m ashamed to say my Mum we just took her for granted. We have moved on and get on really well now ... it will get better but you need to let it go a bit first...xx

I'm so glad I've only got DD, she has half- & step- siblings but I was never put in this position. Take a step back, refuse to be "piggy in the middle". Hope you did get more than text messages on your Birthday, I'd be most put out.

Giving a deep sigh reading this, as middle daughter of 3 our Mum hated us communicating with each other and would thrive on passing on tittle tattle to each sister. Positively thrive.

Could you swap them for a puppy? Just saying...

kittylester

This is very resonant with me! I too have 3 adult DD (do boys do this?) and they always try to drag me into their stupid spats! I now refuse openly with any involvement in any rows and have received criticism from 2 of them for this! None the less I stand my ground I DO NOT want to get involved in any squabbles they are all adults with children of their own I got upset recently about this but am now not getting involved which has given me more peace of mind to be honest than the nebulous criticism upsetting me!
I was an only child of only children so the silly sibling rivalries which have to a degree persisted into adulthood has been a shock to me! Mine aren’t too bad to be fair but it was a real surprise how me how they even expected me to get involved once they were grown up!!
My sympathies ?

I feel for you, it seems all we mother's suffer the wrath of our adult children & their quibbles with each other - it's the new generation in not bothering with even a nice birthday card, the art of communication verbally has been lost & its sad - my husband has 3 adult children fm 1st marriage, not 1 card on our doorstep, he has been an amazing father - I always buy him card & pressie to compensate for his selfish, thoughtless children - best way forward is to make yourself happy & let them crack on - too many times we suffer heartbreak, we have to look after our own wellbeing - you are important

Hi Babs54, sorry they put you a difficult situation. I have 3 children, 1 son and 2daughters. My youngest daughter informed me recently that hadn’t been a good mother. I have supported her lots over the years, bought 3 piece suites, laid on gas to her property, gave money to cover bills 10k to pay for an extension, drove to the hospital 11.00pm which was 60 miles from me when she had kidney stones and much more. The only thing I didn’t do was much child minding as run a b&b so wasn’t available. They have short memories unfortunately. Let them get on with it

I empathise not because I am a bad mother but I have been told I am a bad sister. What did I do wrong ? I did not go on FB and like all her photographs. She even contacted my AC and moaned to them about me which of course did not have the desired effect, they told her to wind her neck in.
They could have made a little more effort for your special birthday.

Totally agree!!!

Sadly our children disappoint us sometimes. Some (not all I hasten to add) think it's all about them nowadays. They talk to and treat their parents in ways we would never have.

Oh dear Babs54 - have they been bickering like this since they were little?
It sounds like an old pattern none of them wants to break and you refusing to liaise has put a spanner in their works.

If you are still speaking to the one with the grand-children, can you ask if they can come to you for a special meal maybe? Or take them somewhere as a treat?

You shouldn't be deprived of their company (or they of yours) just because you're not needed as a baby-sitter. Their Mum is being petty. Does she not see she's a bad mother to do this?

I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you everyone I feel a bit better reading your advice xx

Never be 'piggy in the middle'!

This is one case where I definitely agree this isn't right. You did the right thing saying you wouldn't get involved.

I do think the best course of action for right now is to just wait. I hope they will be able to get out of their strop.

If one of them called you a bad mother in the heat of the moment, ignore it! If you know you did a reasonable job as a parent ( we all make some mistakes- part of being human) just let the comment go and do not dwell on it. It is hurtful when our kids don't put themselves out for our birthdays or buy us something. Been there- got the tee shirt!!

Sorry you are feeling so let down Babs54 it's difficult not to get caught up in things isn't it. As far as your grandchildren go I think its quite normal as they get older you see less of them. They need to be independent and have their own friends, activities etc. Perhaps you could arrange a special day with them to go out somewhere you all enjoy. As for your daughters I would back off a little, tell them you are not getting involved with their arrangements etc. Make some plans of your own and enjoy yourself.

I told my son recently, when he queried some sin of omission on his siblings part, to go get an answer from the horse’s mouth, not from me. I won’t get involved in any of that.

I have to act as Devil's advocate. First of all, belated birthday wishes.
Now, why were you away for your big birthday? I'm a little bit sly......I never book anything during the fortnight of my BIG birthday. I expect them to plan something, and to be fair, they do.
Perhaps your children think that you do not want a big a big fuss. Having said that, they could have planned something after you returned. A text is just not acceptable. No wonder you're upset

My daughters are very different, one is what you see is what you get, dislikes any confrontation, the other one seems to thrive on it, so we try and be careful not to give her any ammunition!

Just a text for a special birthday, and no presents when you returned?
I make sympathetic noises if our AC have a moan about each other, but don’t actually say anything, as it could rebound on us.

Is it too late to get them adopted?

How rude!
Glad you told them that you won't be a go between - thought they were supposed to be adults for heavens sake!
As far as the GC are concerned, they have so much to do these days with school and after that time is short - mind you, can appreciate how you feel - I had the same with nieces and nephews - I often used to take them out shopping, paid for concert tickets etc well into their teens and now am lucky if I get "are you ok aunty" whenever we happen to meet .
As far as your birthday - that was thoughtless. Suggest you take yourself away for a few days or if money is a bit tight perhaps book an afternoon tea ( take a friend ), take a photo and make sure they all see it with the caption "a late celebration for my nth birthday" Oh, or make your own afternoon tea and invite friends round (maybe they will contribute) and do the same. Any comments made , just say that you were hurt that they hadn't bothered

I feel like that or running away or both !