Alone time with grandparents.

I’ve always had ‘unsupervised ‘ visits starting when my oldest GD was 10 weeks old. I have a strong bond with all three GC and my DS once said that the children got more out of being with me than being in nursery.
Don’t you want a break? Even if you just sit at home and put your feet up.

I see quite a lot of the GC because I look after them/pick up from school etc., but have never asked to have them to myself, purely for the sake of doing so. They have only ever had time alone with us when we have been looking after them for the parents.

We also see them when they come round with their parents or we go to their homes.

It seems that this is what is happening with your family and it would seem entirely adequate to me. However, if they want time to spend with your child and you are happy that they look after him well, then I guess you might be quite glad of this when new baby appears!

But I do not think this is something a grandparent should feel entitled to.

They asked for once a week “unsupervised visit” it’s all starting to feel like a custody arrangement. Everyone in the family seems to agree with them, but I really don’t want to live on someone else’s schedule
I think it’s the formality of the phrase “unsupervised visit” that grates. It is lovely when grandchildren and their grandparents form a part of each others’ lives, like going to Granny’s for tea after school etc. My co- granny (DD’s MIL) used to have what she and her daughter called “Wonderful Wednesdays” when she would have her little grand-daughters for the day, or after nursery or after school (as they grew older) and her daughter worked part time or had a day to herself. These girls are now adults but have remained very close to their grandparents. Offering to have a grandchild for an afternoon or a sleepover has to be a “natural” thing though and notanan has expressed it well.
I used to look after my DGS in London (when he was a toddler) quite often if either of his parents had to be away or working late (DD works in the theatre) and realised on one occasion that he came to associate my arrival with Mummy’s departure and became very clingy, so we had to work on visits to both of them to help him feel secure.
The bottom line for me, is, who are these regular visits for?
If it is to foster a good relationship the the GPs , or an offer to give OP half a day to herself if she wants it, that is great, everybody benefits, but if the GPs are somehow asserting their “rights” then I am not sure.

I think it’s become more clear when you said you suffer from anxiety frenchfrog but please please let your little man have some good quality time alone with his grandparents (as long as you are happy they are trustworthy) your anxieties will be picked up by him and he will not see Nans place as safe to be alone in, if you are not careful and that will build anxieties up about all the outside world
I may be wrong but what you have stated as demanding may be that they have asked a few times and not getting anywhere so it feels like they are demanding
The best gift you can give a child is to allow it to explore in a safe environment away from you
You will have a lot of trouble in a year or so letting him go to school , practice in safety now to ease your anxieties slowly an hour maybe at first then building up and explain to your mum so she can help you through this
Grand Parents are the VERY best alternatives to mum and dad

He is your son, so you have every right to do what you think is right. I do find it odd that they feel the need to have him to themselves. When you feel comfortable or you need assistance is the right time. Stick to your guns.

'unsupervised visits' does make it sound formal and rather like a demand. Perhaps as others have suggested, your parents are trying to be helpful to you, as well as build a closer bond with your 3 year old. 3 seems late to me, to start leaving a child alone with grandparents. We've had all 6 of ours from infancy, including over night. It's informal, like a daughter having a hair cut/appoinrment or just being plain tired, followed by that "mum/dad, can you...." phone call.

It sounds like all the other similar threads, some kind of communication thing between the grown ups. Can't you sit down with a cup of tea and have an honest chat with one or both of your parents about this.

Just seems like unfortunate phraseology frenchfrogz and you have become anxious about it unnecessarily. N&G are right, its good for your son to get used to being with his grandparents as they may need to help if things get difficult as they do with small children.
Apart from that your parents and son will enjoy time together and get a lot out of it. You don't indicate there are any problems with them offering child care so I would go ahead, try it for a short time at first if you are anxious and if it works well as I'm sure it will you can increase the time.

Sadly there are some parents for whom a normal friendly chat is impossible.
My mother wanted my D to be hers as she had treated me.
My D did go and stay but soon rebelled at an early age.
On one visit my M didn't like the fact that we were letting my D grow her hair long, she took her to her own hairdresser and had it cut short, it set us back months and my H was furious with her.
The worst however was when we moving house and my D went to stay while we did so, my D went down with German measles and felt quite ill, my M refused to let us know and let us fetch her home, we didn't know until my H went to fetch her.
My D refused to ever stay again.
Sometimes what seems a normal loving gesture and relationship is just another form of control.

Goodness me, the word " mistrust " was never used when us as a family looked after any babies/toddlers within the family. Being nan to all my GC, it was a given that whatever circumstances cropped up I was there to " take over " baby duties.
I was involved with 7 out of 10 GC in their early years and they're now all adults, knowing that I'm still here as they've grown up with me. There's never been an area of mistrust at any time. I've always been treated as a " safe haven " for child-minding. Both my late husband and myself always had children around us, from tiny babies to primary school. It was like a nursery.

Latterly my GGC too when the twins were born. I had them out in their pram at every opportunity------on my own, as well as having them overnight as babies when I was 67.

Sorry, haven’t read all the intervening posts so probably all been said. To my way of thinking it does seem strange that the GParents haven’t yet had sole charge of the GC. Is there a reason for that, any suspicion that they would not cope or do something wrong? You say you want things to happen “organically”. Weird in itself. Speak as a GP who has had sole charge of our three for days at a time from when they were a matter of months old. The whole situation seems to be manufactured.

Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted my kids' grandparents to take them out anywhere without me. Used to leave them for an hour or two whilst I went shopping, but that's all. Things seem to be so different these days.

With my grandchildren I much preferred having Mum along too. Why would anyone want the hassle of exclusive care of a three year old?

We used to regularly have our DGD unsupervised but we would never have asked. It's up to the parents what their child does, not the grandparents.

I don't think its weird or odd to spend time with Grandparents.

I think it's weird that a mother who knows her daughter has anxiety is asking for 'unsupervised access' with her Grandchild because she feels like 'there isn't a bond' when she is already seeing them both once a week.
That's weird.

Unsupervised is a funny word isn’t it - I never have my grandchildren unsupervised, I always supervise them. I do have them without their parents though- I use ring up and arrange to kidnap them. There are sequels of joy when this is conveyed

March I do think time with grandchildren without their parents is very different to the parents being there and does help to develop a bond

I simply think it is important for every child to get used to different people as soon as possible. My #3 DS was clingy so was hard to leave with anyone and easier to take him along which meant he didn't have such a good relationship with either set of DGPs as his older siblings.
If anything happened to either of us, or to their parents, it would be extra hard for the DGC if they knew nothing else.

I do think, if that is the way your parents termed it, that the request sounds rather formal.

However, perhaps your parents want some time with their DGS before the new baby arrives so that he gets used to being with them without you being there, after all, he may need to be there overnight, for more prolonged periods etc. They just want him to get used to this on a regular basis, perhaps.

If you are always there on visits, he will automatically go to you rather than his DGP, especially if you are anxious and I wonder if you don't trust anyone else's judgement? Your parents managed to bring you up! Are they too old or perhaps disabled to cope?

I wish I'd had someone to have mine for an hour or two, even if just to go to the hairdresser or shopping (not food shopping either).

I don't think you can change children. Some are comfortable to be away from their parents for a while, some just aren't. There's no "getting them used to it".

Me too Suzie. I loved my Nan and had many happy hours with and her garden.

But my mom didn't have Anxiety nor was she heavily pregnant and she wasn't forced to hand me over. My mom didn't didn't have to put what her MIL wanted at the expense of her mental health.

At this point the OP shouldn't be getting stressed out and having pressure piled on by her own mom.

When we had ours without daughter, it was always in the school holidays and so second daughter (teacher) was there too. Happiness all round. Fun aunty. Dependable old granny.
(not that I was all that old in those days).

My DS spent time with my parents almost from the time he was born. He had 3 month colic and the hour on Saturday evenings that they had him was the only time DH and I ate together and not in shifts.
Later they had him on a Saturday while we went shopping. When I got some supply teaching they had him on those days, took him to nursery when the time came, Mum took him to visit her friends and even took him on the bus to visit my dad when he was in hospital!
But... they only lived next door, so he grew up with them 'on hand' almost as a 3 generation family.
We babysat for our GD when she was about 3. Would have done it sooner if we hadn't lived 5 hours drive away. We've looked after her at her home and taken her out. Eventually she came to stay for a few days and we also took her away for a night but she was 7 by then and was perfectly fine. We waited until we thought she was ready.

As others have said, the request does sound formal and a little odd. However, perhaps it would be good for all of you if your DS spent time alone with his GPs. I would say, start small and see how it goes - and make it clear that's what you're doing.

Annsixty makes a good point. My ex mother in law did the same, changed my daughters hair and generally interfered and took over. I was very young and kept the peace. Little surprise the marriage didn’t last

I agree the phrase does sound formal. With the new baby coming could you suggest he stays in their home to play in the house and the garden for a morning. Say you can't agree to a weekly date as you don't know how things are going to pan out with the baby. It might be good to get him used to going on his own before the baby arrives as he could become a bit clingy then.

IMO if you're about to give birth to second child then it's maybe not the right time to suddenly 'send off' first child to be alone with GP's. First child may think he's being pushed out to make way for newcomer - just a thought.

I have to say I'd have been completely delighted if someone (anyone!) had wanted to take my 3 year old off my hands for a while! Do try not to make it a big deal - it's obviously kindly meant and they may well both love that time together.