Feel sorry for DH

@Pat1949, I think you and other posters are missing the point. The DIL might not be 100% to blame for lack of card for ops dh but she is certainly 100% to blame for the cruel way she ensured her child gave a card to her father in front of everyone. There was no need to to hurt her in-laws in this way. Don’t tell me that the op’s son, a man who is quite obviously useless on the card front, had anything to do with his child presenting his fil with a card, it was 100% dil doing and was very insensitive. I cannot understanding anyone on here with a heart failing to see this act for what it was. There’s nothing insensitive about what I have said. I clearly see the situation for what it is.

Sb74 It was a deliberate act on the part of a DIL
It would be hurtful for those who were left out on an occasion that was to be shared ie once a father then always a father.To use a child in this' act' in giving to one and not the other makes it even worse in fact despicable. I commend the GF or any one who did not want to make an issue of it at the time.

Your last sentence says it all. She's onto you.

'I wonder how all these posters saying dil not at fault would act if they were in op and dh position? I think many are missing the point and the true intent of dil.'

I'd be gutted too but it would be towards my son.
Regardless of my relationship with a hellish DIL, my son is a grown man. He is able to buy a card.
But I'd wonder why my son hasn't botherd buying a fathers day card for his Dad but if I had a terrible relationship with my DIL and thought of her as a Bitch, would I expect her to go out of her way for me?

OP said she barely gets a card for her birthday, which is presumed purchased by her DIL as her son isn't capable. She is probably the one who booked and organised the meal too.

The son, who must know by now that his mother and wife don't get on should take responsibility for presents and cards for his parents.

I agree with those saying the son should have thought about his own Dad - but - and I know this is something we have discussed time and time again - why didn't DIL, who was occupied with seeing her own father treated on Father's day, not give husband a big shove and say "My Dad is getting something. Organise something for your Dad, or he'll be left out!" She KNEW she was only organising one present and it would exclude her father in law unless son sorted something out.

I KNOW it's not up to the female of a couple to sort out presents and cards, but most do. The rights and wrongs of that don't come into it. DIL would have known only her father would be presented with something from the GS.

Most women worth their salt would have ensured both fathers had a gift from the little one and either seen to it themselves or given partner such a flea in his ear that he'd have got his act together. (I appreciate they shouldn't have to, that men have to get their act together etc, but humans, no matter what their sex or situation, do tend to be kind and would not allow exclusion or hurt to happen.)

I know I'd have stepped up to the plate in the 11th hour to ensure both Granddads had a similar gift. She didn't. (And I KNOW it isn't her place to do it, but most decent people would not have allowed the embarrassment and hurt that followed)

I cannot imagine how your DIL (and son) sat through that. Did it give her/them some sort of perverted pleasure I wonder?

Did DIL (who did nothing to prevent the embarrassment occurring) somehow revel in your exclusion?

Jaylucy.

Me too. lol

How hurtful and bloody rude.

I agree, that as parents (both your son and DIL) would have known the little boy has TWO grandfathers. To treat only one, with the other Granddad present, was very insensitive. Did your son feel no shame or embarrassment?

I loathe rudeness as much as I deplore emotional manipulation. This event seemed to deliberately exclude your husband. Rant away. I feel for you.

This is a classic case of low self esteem.The need to control is how DIL is presenting herself.Do not blame your son as hurtful as it was for you concerning DH fathers day card so try if at all possible to get your son to visit you on his own and let him know your feelings. Ask him. Is it something you his mother has done? I do not believe this to be the case and doubt it will be easy finding out why DIL is like this What was her life before she became DIL so try not to be upset if S first reaction is to be on the defensive concerning his wife.This one to one with S is the only way forward so don't hold back.
She appears to take pleasure in showing the lavish presents she gives to others but you are lucky to get a B card.?Now involving her own child by giving him a card to present to one GF but not the other? Maybe not now but as GS becomes older will ask questions?
Act now.

I agree with a lot of the comments here! My husband always blames others for offences or slights and never our family members! I would think it would have bothered your son to see his dad go without a card. Men too often get away with being thoughtless about gifts and cards and phone calls. Why does being born male let you get away with bad manners?

Sb74 I can't see many posts on here where people are saying that the Op isn't right to feel hurt on behalf of her husband, of course she is, what they are. saying that it isn't 100% her DIL's fault, the OP's son should take some of the responsibility. To accuse people of being insensitive by not agreeing with the OP's post or your post is a bit insensitive of you. I think most posters are trying to pour oil on troubled waters after all it's not good to call anyone a bitch.

Sorry Fairydoll 2030 but I feel as some of the others do and that is that it's up to your son to to make sure his dad has a card not your DIL's. What's happened on previous Father's Days? Has he received one then or is this the first year it has happened? If I were you I would speak to my son and tell him how upset you are that he hadn't given his own dad a card and hope that it never happens again

* either none

Whether the dil or son should have bought a card for ops dh is irrelevant to me. The dil must have known there was no card for her fil yet didn’t let that stop her from giving a card to her dad via gc. What does that teach her son? It’s ok to leave people out and hurt them out of principle? It was a mean and insensitive thing to do. Anyone with half a brain would have felt embarrassed giving only one grandad a card. It’s not normal??!! Either one or both should have received cards via gc in front of everyone. The principle of who should have bought a card isn’t the point to me.it was a deliberate act of spitefulness and worse still the gc was used as a pawn in this pathetic game the dil has created.

How hurtful and I think I would be tempted to even point out to my son, how hurt you both were. Its true that your daughter in law could’ve organised something but....your husband is the father of your son, not her, and I feel that your son is also at fault here.(unless he’s never done anything for Father’s Day anyway?)

FGS paddyann! How much does a card cost? Not that much! And I hope you don't try to stop your grandkids giving you little things. Why make them selfish?

My FIL has always been rather self absorbed & never really interested in the DGC. He is now a rather lonely 94 year old as he has few friends & the grandchildren are not particularly interested in visiting him (not really surprising in all the circumstances).
My husband sees cards as a commercial menace however I ensured that he bought a card & we made a bit of a fuss of FIL on Fathers Day.
Sorry if I have let the sisterhood down but I honestly could take no pleasure over proving a point in these circumstances.

My DH is pretty clueless , but he doesn't need to be reminded about his parents or siblings birthdays or mother's day or father's day. Sorry but it was up to your son to arrange for a card or present. It's about time that men started to think for themselves and not rely upon a woman to remind them of this sort of thing. If we stop treating men like overgrown schoolboys then we will get on a bit better. And I think calling the DiL a bitch is not acceptable. Perhaps she is aware of the way that you think about her and is unlikely to do anything but reciprocate the feeling. I wonder why mothers in law and daughters in law have such a poor relationship. Might it be because the MiL doesn't think anyone would be good enough? ( My MiL is great by the way).

I think I would have been tempted to start looking under the table etc - if anyone asked what you were looking for, say that you must have dropped the card that you brought in with you!!
I can't really understand how your DS could have sat there, knowing that there was nothing for his own father!

How are people so insensitive? If you don’t understand why someone would feel upset in that situation then maybe you are of similar ilk to their dil? Maybe that’s the issue. The insensitive v the sensitive. And if you’ve always had lovely cards and presents and been fussed over then you haven’t been in that position @paddyann. Sound like you are rubbing ops nose in it too. Money isn’t the point here, it’s the intent behind leaving a grandparent out in front of them. It’s hurtful and humiliating and would have made anyone with any emotional intelligence at the meal feel uncomfortable.

we always get Mothers day and Fathers day cards from the GC,we have loked after them A LOT for 16 years and sometimes they call me mum or grandpa dad just because they do spend so much time with us.I have tried to stop the cards and presents ..all cards and presents to us as I'd much rather they spend their money on themselves ,especially the AC who have enoug on their plates without spending money on stuff we dont need.I dont understand what the fuss is about this DIL there was a card for HER dad,its up to OP 's son to get one for HIS dad

I wonder how all these posters saying dil not at fault would act if they were in op and dh position? I think many are missing the point and the true intent of dil.

Gone are the days when the wife automatically saw to all the greeting cards. You can't really blame your daughter in law 100% it's also down to your son.

If the dil had any sensitivity about her, being fully aware there was no card to give her fil, why not just ask the gc to give her dad a card when Pil not there? The intention was to upset the Pil probably more than to make her dad happy. The dil sounds a piece of work to me.

I understand why you are upset but shouldn't your son have got a card for your grandson to give to your husband. Your DiL maybe just thought she should get something for her father and your son should get something for his father?
Also with presents your son should get gifts for his side of the family and DIL for her side. Me and DH have always done this. When we give gifts we say they are from us both but he is responsible for his side and I am for mine my DD and SiL also do this.

Can I say first that I have no children so can look at this post with a completely neutral stannce. I feel that mothers with sons always seem to blame their daughter in law for everything. I used to buy all the present and cards for both sides of the family after consultation with DH on how much we could afford to spend. I gave as much consideration to what I bought my mother in law to what I bought my own mother. It was agreed that I took over the task as I worked less hours than my husband and also worked nearer the centre of town so it was much easier for me to have a look around for suitable gifts ans according to people I bought presents for I had a gift for buying the right thing. I feel in this more equal society that unless there is some hidden reason why your son could not have taken responsibility for making sure that his own father has a suitable present and card I feel that the blame lies equally with him if not more so as it is his own father who has been hurt. As for doing DIY jobs for his daughter in law where is your son in all this why doesn't he do the DIY jobs she is probably only asking as her husband has left jobs undone and the poor woman is at her wits end. The only blameless one in my eyes is the child who should have been lead by the example of his parents. I do feel great emphathy for your dear husband as I agree it must have been extremely hurtful but do look at your sons part in this.x