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Feel sorry for DH

(146 Posts)
Fairydoll2030 Tue 18-Jun-19 15:29:40

Unfortunately I have never managed to achieve a good relationship with DIL, try as I might since DGS was born five years ago. She has always been remote with DH and me and we get the impression she wished we weren’t part of the family. She is very close to her parents and if we are ever around when they are, then we are virtually ignored. I guess we have learned to accept this behaviour (which to us is beyond rude). This has led to DH and me having little contact with the maternal grandparents. However, on Father’s Day, my son invited us all for a pub lunch. Whilst there DGS presented DIL,s father with a lovely handwritten Father’s Day card. Everyone admired it, including me, then I realised there wasn’t a card for my DH. It just looked so bloody obvious. You can’t blame the child but I know where this originated from and it wasn’t an oversight - this is how DIL is. In the past she has shown me lavish presents that she has bought for friends birthdays, but I am lucky if I even get a birthday card!
In this instance though, I am completely p,d that DH didn’t get a card from our only DGS who he adores. Next time Dil asks - via our son - if DH can do some DIY, I hope he tells her to ask elsewhere. She is a thoughtless bitch......
Rant over. Feel better (bitter!)

MawBroonsback Tue 18-Jun-19 15:39:16

I feel your hurt, but while men rarely take the responsibility for family greetings cards , it is principally your son’s failing.
Have a go at him first if you must have a go at anybody. Yes your DIL should have seen fair do’s but so should your son.

B9exchange Tue 18-Jun-19 15:40:13

Perfectly understandable rant, glad you went for it! It doesn't seem to be thoughtlessness, (apart from DGS who probably didn't realise), it does seem deliberate.

I'm afraid I would have sweetly asked dear GS 'where is other grandad's card, did you forget to make one?' in a tone loud enough for everyone to hear.

If DiL shows you another lavish present for someone else, you could say 'that is lovely, she will love it. I would feel honoured if the pair of you could give me something similar when my birthday comes?' There are tones of voice to use, the more innocent the better! smile

agnurse Tue 18-Jun-19 15:44:06

I agree with Maw.

It doesn't have to be on your DIL to be the "social secretary". If your DS wanted his dad to have a gift for Father's Day, he could have arranged it himself.

DS and DIL may have a family arrangement where each looks after his/her own parents. Unfortunately, this may result in you getting less simply because DS doesn't think of it. But that doesn't mean it's automatically DIL's fault.

janeainsworth Tue 18-Jun-19 15:46:58

Maybe DiL thinks that cards and presents for your side of the family should come from your DS?
Maybe GS made the card at school and there was only one. Did he give your DS a card?
I can see why you feel miffed, but at least you were invited to lunch!
I have to say I think far too much is made of these ‘days’. Father’s Day hadn’t been dreamed up when my Dad was alive.

annep1 Tue 18-Jun-19 15:55:07

Its good to get something off your chest!😊 think the dil is well aware of what's happening even regarding presents for others. But to have the cheek to ask her Fil to do diy. I would definitely be saying no way. I would also ask my son why the other Gf got a card and not his own dad. Presents for her in future would be from a cheapy shop. Sorry if I seem mean but I don't see the point in caring for someone who doesn't care for me.

dragonfly46 Tue 18-Jun-19 16:20:30

Gosh that makes me appreciate my DiL. I have had my problems with her but last weekend she made me very welcome and bought me a lovely birthday present and DH got a lovely card - my son had something to do with that though as it should be. After all your DH is your son's father not your DiL's!

Sara65 Tue 18-Jun-19 16:28:47

I really feel for your husband, I know mine would be really hurt in the circumstances, but pretend it didn’t matter, I expect the other grandad felt awkward

I agree it’s really your sons place to arrange something, but men are often thoughtless, and it really wouldn’t have hurt your daughter in law, to make sure both granddads were treated the same

KatyK Tue 18-Jun-19 16:34:44

Hurtful and insensitive.

Grammaretto Tue 18-Jun-19 16:50:04

Did your DH mind as much as you did? I suggest you remind DS whose responsibility it is to keep his parents happy.
Families eh?

We used to think the other DGC were getting more attention than ours did. Dear SiL was a bit pathetic, down on her luck, so she was always the poor wee thing who everyone wanted to help. She was the DD. I was the DiL
It all seems a long time ago and I hope I do things differently with our own brood.

How lovely to have the pub lunch. We didn't see any of our DC on Father's day. Is there a Grandfather's day?

Goodbyetoallthat Tue 18-Jun-19 17:03:54

Oh Fairydoll how spiteful I really feel for your DH. However it must have taken the shine off things for the other grandpa too.
Of course your DS should have done something for his dad but I see myself & my DH as a partnership & as he isn't the most thoughtful I sort out things for his dad who is 94. I couldn't see him without a father's day or birthday card just to prove a point.

PamelaJ1 Tue 18-Jun-19 17:07:30

I can’t quite understand why DGS gave the card to DiL’s father.
Surely he should have given a card to his own father.
Sorry to be pedantic. I do take the point.

52bright Tue 18-Jun-19 17:19:08

I really feel for your husband Fairydoll. It's true that nowadays it is often expected that DSs take responsibility for cards for their own side of the family though when I was young and worked part time whilst my husband worked full time I often bought both sets of cards and presents. Now that we are both retired it is more likely that we shop together so he will choose for his mother. Would I let him forget? No way ...why hurt an old lady ...even though she has often been difficult.

Mostly ...though not always ...we are inclined to love our own side of the family best. If there was only one card from school could another not have been bought with DGC putting a personal drawing inside? Perhaps your son was not told that this was going to happen. If one card only was to be given surely it could have been quietly slipped to other grandad as they were leaving. I think that it was cruel and calculated to hurt to so obviously make a point of excluding one grandad when both grandads where there. My daughter had a really special relationship with one grandad ...but she also loved her other grandad and would never have made an obvious difference between them when both were present. It's never too young to model kindness and thoughtfulness. These little pin pricks can really hurt. My best wishes to you both.

sodapop Tue 18-Jun-19 17:44:22

That is quite hurtful Fairydoll2030 I can see why you feel upset. To be fair your son should also take some responsibility, he must have known what was happening.
I would have a quiet word with your son and explain how you feel.

glammanana Tue 18-Jun-19 18:05:35

Times seem to have changed so much since we first married,when it was my PILs birthdays or anniversaries etc I would always buy for both sets of parents no matter what,I never made any difference in my choice either they all got similar but all the gifts or cards would be discussed with mr.glamma.
Now my DIL expects my son to buy for his parents and she for hers the same with any sibling gifts its "yours & mine" something I find very strange when all in all you are supposed to be a family.I would certainly be having words with any son of mine if this happened and tell him how hurt you both feel.

Callistemon Tue 18-Jun-19 18:17:03

I agree with Maw too. Your DH is your son's father and this was Father's Day, not Grandfather's Day. It's lovely if grandchildren do acknowledge their grandfathers on FD and grandmothers on Mother's Day, but I think the days are gone when the female one in the partnership is expected to be, as another poster puts it 'a social secretary', although some of us may do this because we always have done when it was more the norm.

DS likes sourcing gifts and cards for us and our side of the family; DIL sees to her side (although she no longer has her father, but we did all have a toast to him).
I must say though, that DIL did find some nice little gifts which the DGC gave to DH, along with hand-made cards. Your DIL could have helped the little boy make a card for each Grandad, so I understand your hurt. Did he make a card for his Daddy?

I think you need to have a quiet (civilised) word with your DS and say that his father was hurt because he seemed to have forgotten his card - but did they pay for lunch? Was that the gift?

Some men just aren't very good with cards and are embarrassed by some of the messages.

Sara65 Tue 18-Jun-19 18:18:52

I think times certainly have changed Glamma

My husband has never bought a card in his life, for my family or his, and I have always treated both families the same

Even if we had such an arrangement, I’d be nagging him to get his dad something

Callistemon Tue 18-Jun-19 18:19:48

Father’s Day hadn’t been dreamed up when my Dad was alive.
It's another Hallmark Cards invention I think, janea!

Grannyben Tue 18-Jun-19 18:30:29

Whilst I do appreciate that the son should be responsible for purchasing cards/gifts for his own family, the Dil has been a bit mean. Infact, I would say she probably spoilt the day for quite a few people who were most likely left feeling awkward, her own dad included.

Sara65 Tue 18-Jun-19 18:31:14

Janea

I think Father’s Day was around when my dad was alive, but I never got him anything, he would have said it was a lot of commercial nonsense.

Infact, I’ve been telling our grownup children for years not to bother, son didn’t need telling twice! And our daughters just now send a card

I do think it’s a sweet thing for children to do though, a card that they’ve made is precious, which is why Fairydoll has every right to be hurt

March Tue 18-Jun-19 18:46:50

Your anger is directed at the wrong person. Your DH isn't DILs Dad.
Your Son should of made sure his Dad had a present and a card.

Bathsheba Tue 18-Jun-19 18:52:47

Yes, I agree that it is really the responsibility of the son to ensure cards/presents are bought for his family.

However, the daughter-in-law was well aware that there was a lovely hand written card from her little boy for her father, and therefore it is reasonable to expect that she would mention this to her husband and suggest he organises something similar for his own dad.

I'm sorry, but it is not enough to say that the OP's son simply didn't think - his wife knew that both sets of grandparents would be there and she could have reminded her husband. Not to do so was unkind, spiteful even, and I completely understand the feeling of hurt - I would have been terribly upset.

BlueBelle Tue 18-Jun-19 18:54:32

I totally agree with march it’s your son you need to talk to and why would grandchildren give cards on Father’s Day except to their fathers it’s not grandparents day
Very strange to give grandparents cards when my own dad was alive I gave him a present and card from myself but I never would have dreamed of giving him one from my children

SalsaQueen Tue 18-Jun-19 18:56:08

Sorry, but it's your SON who should have got his Dad a card.

Maggiemaybe Tue 18-Jun-19 19:01:57

It's never too young to model kindness and thoughtfulness.

I agree with 52bright on this. We don't know how old the boy in question was, but it's up to his parents (both of them) to do this and to bring him up to be caring and considerate. Unless the DGS is very young, and this was his own idea and done without them knowing it was going to happen, they've both let him down, imho.