Daughter talking about a granny flat for us - any experiences ?(Sorry - long !)

Oh gosh, that really is a tricky one!

What does your son feel about it? Does he think he can manage now? Even if he gives you his blessing to go, you will be leaving a big void in his children’s lives

Regarding living so close to your daughter, personally, I’d give it a lot of thought, you aren’t old by any means, do you really want to be stuck in a granny annex

I suppose nothing is stopping you going back to your own house, so you aren’t burning your bridges completely, just don’t rush in to anything

I think deep down you already know what you’d like to do here.

Go.

It sounds wonderful.

And either (a) let your son pay a peppercorn rent or (b) rent your property if he doesn’t fancy the upheaval of a move and perhaps give him a third of the rent to help him with extra expenditures as you won’t be ‘on hand’, a third to your daughter which will help with costs incurred and a third to build up your own little nest egg.

If, for some reason further down the line you regret your move, you can move back!

What a dilemma. I would say, talk to your son ....he and the children are really going to miss you especially, all the help you give them. Having said that, Your son's children are older now and they won't need you as much.
I wish you all the best. Since you say that you will be going back home, so to speak, I don't think I would give it a second. Your son and his family will manage , I'm sure.
Are you in the USA? 600 miles is almost the length of the UK ?, so you are probably in America. I notice we have a lot GNs across the pond. ?

CrazyH Yes I need to talk to my son - I'm dreading it though ! We've had this arrangement for 5 years and I'm very close to the children. Their own mother is a distant figure and totally uncaring, so I've really been the female influence in their lives for all these years.

I know that my son will just say " whatever you want to do is fine, we'll be OK" but deep down he'll be shattered to think that I'd just go .

I'm not in the US , but Australia where distances are just as great !

do you really want to be stuck in a granny annex

yes Sarah65 this is something I have to consider. At the moment we live in a large flat with balconies, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, all very convenient to everything. I just watched some videos of granny flats on You Tube - they really are quite small ! Oh dear, the more I think of it, the more pros and cons appear .

In situations like this we write a pros and cons list. It focuses the mind and highlights long term situations.
On the face of it the move seems a good idea, but only you know the reality.
Your son and his children are moving into an independent age, so maybe you won’t be needed for child care.
Your decision, hope it goes well.

Could you do both? Let your son live in your current home and you stay there for most of the school terms. Go to the granny flat for the rest of the time. In three or four years I doubt your son will need your help. He may meet another partner even. As you become ‘redundant’ to your son’s family, you could become permanent residents in the granny annex. Good luck.

We tried multi-generational living back in the 80s with my DM, We lasted 3 years. It wasn't good.
But we are we; you are you; that was then etc etc. Others have successful arrangements.
Once she had moved away, our very nice relationship resumed but I learned more about myself in those 3 years than I have before or since or ever wanted to!

Grammaretto Thanks for that memory ! Yes I do wonder about this. I wouldn't agree to any kind of shared living arrangement - it was hard enough living with my bossy DD when she was growing up ! DH and I think that if we do agree to this, it would be better if we suggested that they purchase a house with a large garden, and we'd build a separate little house in the garden, our own entrance etc. And we'd set some ground rules about knocking before walking in ( not to apply to the grandchildren of course ! ) . There does seem to be a lot to consider. At least I'm very glad that I've got the choice.

If you took out the personalities involved which area is better for you? It may be that you would be ‘better off’ in one area. What are choice to have to make. [ flowers]

I can only speak for myself, your situation may be totally different, but one of our daughters has a tendency to be bossy, if we were living on top of each other, our lives wouldn’t be our own, she’d be controlling everything and there would be no getting away from it! Love her to bits, but wouldn’t want to live so close!

Sara65 My thoughts exactly it goes back to the saying "absense makes the heart grow fonder".

midgey The "better" area to live would be where my daughter is. I left there years ago with my former husband because of his work, and we ended up staying here in Brisbane . When I got divorced I stayed because this is where my adult children were living - that's the only reason. I'd have moved back to Sydney in a minute if I could have afforded it . Now my daughter is there , and this offer is on the table ! But of course life has happened and now I'm doing the mothering of my son's children .

In a couple of years I think my son's children won't need me much at all - and they may well move, since my son often talks about his dream of moving to the Gold Coast since he is a surfer. I'd then be left with just me and DH , both getting older . The offer from DD is getting more appealing as I think of it .

Stella

Do you have to decide now? Couldn’t you delay it for a year or so?

I think Feelingmyage’s suggestion of splitting your time between Brisbane and Sydney is a very good one.
In your position Stella I’m not sure I could leave DS and his children at this stage of their lives. Maybe in a few years’ time when the grandchildren have left home.
Also much depends on the actual property - make a list of your must-haves and stick to it. Separate entrance? A spare bedroom? A study? Some garden of your own? A decent kitchen/utility?
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I can’t help wondering how your DS feels towards his sister, having made this suggestion. It sounds as though you’re his lifeline.

It is a dilemma midgey I can see a lot of positives in the move to live with your daughter.
There are cons though, if it doesn't work out where will that leave your son if he is renting your house. If your daughter and husband were to split up what would happen. This in fact almost happened to me. My daughter asked if I would consider an annexe with her and her partner. I declined as I like my independence subsequently my daughter and partner split up and she moved quite a way away.
Think carefully about this but in the end you know what is best for you and your husband. Good luck.

I would stay put.
Too many things could go wrong. Keep your independence for as long as you can.

Sara65 Yes I think that might be a good option. If DD and her husband want to buy a house with a granny flat, they can do that anyway and either use it for a rental income . Or perhaps offer it as student accommodation ( a very popular choice where they are, as there is a big Uni nearby and overseas students are always looking for short-term digs, subsidised by the Gov't). Once her brother's children are more independent ( I'm guessing a year or two) DH and I could revisit the suggestion. Thanks for your input !

I definitely would not do it. What if they wanted to sell up in the future. What would you do? Would you perhaps move back to your own home and evict your son? What happens if one of you need to go into a home. The LA would expect you to fund that yourself.

I would suggest that your daughter goes ahead with her plans and you use the granny annexe for long holidays.

You could house sit occasionally for people on holiday.
My daughter and her husband are off on a sail up the coast to Queensland. Her long service leave.
They would have loved to find someone responsible to move into their house.
Too late now but there are agencies that sort out that kind of arrangement.

We have a "largish" house, our daughter's relationship broke down she returned home pregnant. So that meant us, our DD and GC.

My mother then became terminally ill, when she could no longer live independently she moved in with us. We were 4 generations all with different needs, difficult at times, but none of us would in hindsight change a thing. So many memories were made, we laughed, cried and yes there were a few arguments, but so much love.

Give it a go.

Think carefully as a friend did this and sold her house to move into a self contained basement flat with DD and SIL living above. She put a lot of her money into purchasing the 3 story house. 2 years down the line they are getting divorced and the house sale won't finance 3 properties so she's looking at having to rent. Also she saw many awful things and heard all the rows between them. She thought they were happily married it was a real eye opener.

I think you should stay for now.Your sons children still need you, and him too although he probably wouldn't admit it.They could buy their house, with enough room for you to build, exactly what you want, and need.Good luck to you both.

Thanks everyone for your comments - it's certainly given me plenty of thoughts !