Help with MIL

Yikes - start as you mean to go on. No way should you have a second celebration with your cake - he's your son/your rules/your cake etc etc. Difficult situation but it will only get worse if you don't nip it in the bud. It is difficult when becoming a gran to want to re-live all those precious memories, but you really have to somehow, someway put a stop to this. Good Luck!

The OP has a one year old and a new born ( which I think some people have missed) and she is expected to run around after her In-laws.
They should at least clear up after themselves and do some chores whilst you take a rest now and then.

I have read your post bout your MIL. I think she’s probably so happy to visit you and to see her grandchildren. It’s difficult as you are a young mum but to be honest in her own way it sounds very much like she’s trying her best to support you. I really think you should try that little bit harder to be more relaxed you are actually fortunate to have a MIL. I lost mine and she was a lovely woman. Try to not get upset she’s only there for a mere 10 days and she has travelled to see you. Who knows one day you may get on with her. I hope so.

This really made me think.... I had what Ithought was an interfering mother in law and she lived round the corner not in another country, to be fair she wasn't really in y our face but even so annoyed me every time she came round, however , once she was gone I often reflected on how I had acted to her, the thing is you both love the same person, her son,your husband!WhenI became a daughter in law/Grannie I became more able to see her side of things, too late really.
One other comment, quite often when visiting my son and daughter in lawI take my own bedding just so it doesn't make more wrk for her, don't think it offended but now I wonder ??

I could always chat to my MIL whereas DH and his mum used to clash!

Summerstorm perhaps it has been suggested (I suggested it too) because the OP, with a very new baby, seems unable to be assertive when faced with PIL who seem to have 'taken over' somewhat (even if unintentionally). Someone once said to me that when her PIL came to stay, it turned into 'their house' for the couple of months that they were there. She just let them carry on, but they were helpful and did lots of household tasks!

Some husbands do tend to keep out of the way and let their wives deal with any controversial family relationships but they do need to present a united front and she sounds as if she needs his support at this particular time.

I often read comments suggesting that husbands or partner need to speak to their mothers. I have 3 dil and 1 sil and I’m very lucky that I have a pretty good relationship with all of them. I’ve at various times looked after all 9 of my grandchildren. I would really like to think that if any of my in-laws has a problem they would speak to me direct. Why would my sons or daughter have to do it. I would never dream of saying to my sons or daughter you’ll have to have a word with your wife or husband. Why doesn’t op speak to her mil and explain how she feels

I think I know why Callistemon.

There seems to be a desire from some to cause a rift in this family, to come between the OP and her m.i.l. and even more worrying between the OP's H and his mother.
Yes, I think some of the advice is quite provocative Smileless and I wonder why.

I don't think that your summary of the posts on this thread is accurate Summerlove. Who has suggested that the OP should bend more, treat her m.i.l. with kid gloves and over indulge her?

You'd like answers especially if they aren't "she's old and might die soon"what a horrible thing to say.

They're there for 10 days. Probably seems a lot longer for the OP but it's only 10 days and they only get to see their GC twice a year.

Is the GM's interference acceptable? No it isn't but talk of divorce or going non contact is outrageous. Is it any wonder that there are so many parents and GP's being cut out of their AC'c and GC's lives.

It's right that the OP's feelings be taken into account by her in laws and right that their's are taken into account too. Buying expensive gifts for GC isn't a crime is it? Many parents of young children would I'm sure be grateful for any assistance they can get.

Baking the child's first birthday cake; no but the OP made her own and could have thanked her m.i.l. for the offer but made it clear that her cake wasn't needed as she'd made her own.

When we're initially confronted with behaviour that we find unacceptable that is the time to deal with it. Firmly but politely as pointed out by bugbabe and why involve her husband.

If the OP addresses these issues with her m.i.l. and is ignored or worse berated, that is the time to involve her husband and not before.

There seems to be a desire from some to cause a rift in this family, to come between the OP and her m.i.l. and even more worrying between the OP's H and his mother.

Don’t say anything to MIL, just make the cake you want to make for your son and at the celebration bring out your cake followed by your DH carrying his mother’s cake. As for the gifts and leather shoes - I would gladly buy these for my GCs if DS or DD could not afford, and confess a nostalgia for the traditional items I tried to afford as a single parent - it was the way I was brought up by parents for whom it must have been a terrible struggle - the first new suit my Dad had after his wedding suit, was for my wedding! His mantra was that if you don’t have a great deal of money you cannot afford to buy cheap, so buy the best you can afford and choose your priorities carefully.

It is probably an accumulation of frustrations with your MIL that has brought you to this pass but can you not take pleasure in the advantages she is trying to offer your son? I told DS and DD that I could offer advice on upbringing, but it would probably be outdated, so the best thing to do is listen, read, find out as much info as possible and then go with their instincts as to what was best for their child. Good luck x

I think if your in-laws read this thread, they would be absolutely astonished - they probably think they're being kind, generous and helpful!

I'll bet that they have no idea that bringing gifts for the children would upset you so or make you feel inadequate or judged or that trying to help with the children is upsetting the routine - unless they are told about this.

Do they just hand their washing to you to do or are they leaving it in the laundry room intending to do it themselves?
Do they live in a mess at home and leaving stuff around is quite normal to them?
Has she forgotten what it's like to have a new baby and can only remember the nice things like making cakes? (actually, I would have been eternally grateful if someone had offered to bake my DC's birthday cakes!)

I think the problem is a lack of communication on both sides which needs to be sorted out with your DH before you see them again.

Good luck.

Oh and don’t do their laundry ?WTAF!

Be firm about his routines
Make him your own cake as well
Accept the gifts graciously
It’s your house, your rules. No need to involve your husband, stand up for yourself, be firm but polite ?

By the time you have read through all this gobbledygook, the ten days will be up.

I thought that too, something to keep the OP going in the meantime, moobox!!

GoodMama - you are a nasty nasty woman. Please god I never get a daughter in law like you. What horrible, spiteful, viscous advice and comments. Just wow ?

For everyone saying that life is too short, and she is your husband’s mother, and you should indulge her, is anyone saying this to the mother-in-law? Life is too short she is your sons wife, indulge her?

I am seriously questioning why everyone thinks the daughter-in-law needs to bend more than she has, and the mother-in-law should be treated with kid gloves and over indulged?

Seriously, I would love to hear the answers to this. Especially if the answer isnt “she’s old and might die soon”.

Perhaps the grans have lived through worse times and see the sense in playing down the histrionics.
Rather than pandering to the crowd pleasing need some have, of looking for something to fight about?

They are treating your place like a hotel, and you like a maid and this is not acceptable. You now know for next time so when they want to come and see you all, suggest to your husband he asks them to book a hotel. Also don't allow him to be at work whilst they visit, and say if he cannot take time off, then you won't host them on your own. Regarding the clothes, so what!! it's no biggie. The shoes - they can't get his size so you need to get the receipt and take him to be properly fitted. The cake? That's not on, she has overstepped the mark but forgive her this time because you know you won't allow it to happen again. The sheets, so what? At least they'll take them home to wash. The attitude of them being better than you. I'm afraid some gp come across like that because of years of experience combined with lack of thought about you. Remember this is their first exp of being a gp and it's as new as your feeling as a new mum. Everyone's learning how to be. So cut them some slack. Your husband needs to take some responsibility for this situation so let off steam to him, he bloody deserves to know how you feel. But my best advice to you today is to write them a thank you note for the things they brought, and show them youre the better person. One day you'll be glad of them and remember they are your children's gp, so don't cut them out of your kids life. Good luck

Tbh she's probably only trying to take the pressure of you as you have a new born along with your 1 yo...They are only visiting for 10 days so make use of them! If they want to buy expensive shoes that will only last a few weeks before they get too small let them...life is too short to get upset

pinkquartz because she’s not old enough to know her own opinion apparently.

As I saw her on another thread the other day, “one of the perks of getting older is you are allowed to say no.” Apparently OP hasn’t hit that magical age because she’s not yet a grandmother.

summerlove I am in agreement with you. am horrified by the number of replies telling OP to suck it up or similar.
why should she?

By the time you have read through all this gobbledygook, the ten days will be up.
Well said, moobox.

This is all about your MiL spoiling your first son. Do you think she is doing this so that he won't feel left out now that you have a second baby, while he is, himself, still a baby? You need to make it clear that now you are a family of four if they seem to be leaving the baby out of things.
As for the shoes, I'd take her out to the shoe shop with the child and make sure she has his feet properly measured. I would not have let anyone buy shoes for my children without proper fitting. I agree that it's best to have real leather, but I found that little canvas sandals worked well in summer weather. Is your son walking? That makes a difference. If he isn't, does he really need shoes ye?

So this is going on for a month per year - two weeks x 2. In which case you do need to quietly and firmly insist on what you know to be best for both of your children. You decide, they are yours. I would also stop doing their washing and waiting on them. Ask for help - eg. could you sort the dishes while I put the baby to bed or whatever you feel appropriate. Sorry, don't have time to do the laundry, but I know you know where the machine is so feel free. Be friendly, be firm and make sure your husband is on your side. Regarding the cake - say you want to start new traditions so will be baking this and all following cakes. The alternative is to cut short the visits - one week - is sufficient. There's a saying that visitors and fish start to stink after 3 days!

My goodness, you have my sympathy! Having two babies to take care of and a bossy mother-in-law staying in your home. If they are reasonably wealthy then a hotel is the best place for them to spend a ten day visit. I’m appalled that your mil thinks it is okay to impose herself on you and expect to have everything done her way. Respect is earned and should not just be expected - her behaviour doesn’t warrant this. Personally, I would thank her for the gifts and say, “how kind, but you shouldn’t have...”. Speak to your husband after they have left and explain that you have struggled to be civil with his parents and perhaps any further visits should be made when he can take time off work and, due to lack of privacy, a hotel may suit everyone better. Good luck to you! ?