Help with MIL

Nmmaikra…..Yes your right I did misread the cake situation, so sorry, I hope I didn't upset you at all?

No I guess it doesn't improve 'on its own'.
But I don't see why you have to do their washing etc.?
Leave it for them to decide what to do about it.

They'll get the message sooner or later and if they don't perhaps your husband could explain it to them?

Sorry again for the confusion

Callistemon, agreed - and baby number four would be carried in a sling and fed then changed on demand or when possible. Baby four was the happiest by far!

Routines have made a comeback recently as a coping method for working mothers. They just don't work well for colicky or autistic babies when flexibility and tuning in to their needs (if possible) is far more appropriate.

Routines are fine most of the time for the convenience of parents - remember the advice to strictly adhere to four hourly feeds for babies? Plus naps at specified times?

Many new mums used to stick to this advice with baby number one, then perhaps another baby arrived and had to fit in somewhat with the needs of toddler number one, and baby number three etc - well, whatever as long as they were fed, comfortable and happy!! And a busy but relaxed mum was the best thing for all.

GoodMama, you wrote:

'-Routines are important and critical for little ones. Everyone who raised a child or works in childcare knows this.'

Really? How many kids have you raised? I'd say instead

'Routines are important for the convenience of parents and childcare workers - not kids. Some kids get into a set pattern, others don't'

What makes you such an expert - do tell, I'm intriged! It seems to me that you're changing a situation that's easily resolved with some patience and understanding into a mega-drama of massive proportions!

Are you in America GoodMama which could explain some of your advice?

I don't think that we have so many people in therapy in the UK.

Producing laundry, and a general mess around the house because they feel as I'm their maid
Goodness! They do need to sort their own laundry (and could help you by doing yours at the same time).
Do Not Wait on Them!!

Show them how to use the washing machine (DD has instructed me on how to use hers).
Show them how your cooker works and suggest they cook a couple of their favourite recipes for you all for dinner - it would be much appreciated.

Two weeks every six months means that ground rules have to be set, nicely but firmly.

Namsnanny, thanks for the advice.
I think you have misread about the cake. I called my mom in tears because I wanted to bake his first cake. My mom had no intentions of making his cake but did help me decorate and cook the food for the party. Of which my MIL did not help with anything, other than making a cake.

We too live close to the ocean so we get plenty of guests. To the people saying it's 10 days, suck it up... What they do not understand is it's 1.5-2weeks of them living in my home 24/7. Producing laundry, and a general mess around the house because they feel as I'm their maid or they are on vacation idk. Either way it equals about 2 weeks every 6 months and it doesn't just improve on its own.

Nmmaikra.......I’ve just skim read the replies as I wanted to address the op first, so forgive me if I’m repeating others adcice!
Cakes, I fell into this dilemma as a gran, and now think it’s best to let both grans make a cake saying you will be starting your own tradition now too! So what if there are 3 cakes!! If you show you dont mind they will follow and no doubt give up on the idea over time!
Make it into a joke (look how lucky my son is to have such a doting family etc.!)
Gmums:
Clearly your mum is showing as many signs of ‘owning’ her rights as a GP as your mil, or she wouldn’t have assumed she would be THE cake maker and burst into tears (a bit competitive imo)!!
So don’t be too selective in your observations of who is feeling entitled and who isn’t

Shoes etc., accept gracefully saying (truthfully) it doesn’t bother you too much what his clothes etc. Are made from, but if they’re happy to carry on buying for him your happy too, BUT could they ring beforehand and you will give them a list to choose from of things he needs - that way you are in control and they get the pleasure of giving.

Them hovering and getting in the way:
How do you feel about them babysitting whilst you take the youngest out for a walk? Or they take the eldest to the park and give you a break for a while?
Don’t forget to explain nicely how tired you have been and how hard it is to find time to cook for yourselves let alone guests! Maybe they will take the hint and cook if you repeat the story often enough

My extended family turned my home into their unofficial go to holiday destination because we were by the sea! So every year we were inundated with hoards of people wanting to see the kids and have a freeby!!!
I wish I’d had someone to give me this advice then!
good luck!

I think you need to use quiet repetition with this woman. Of course she should not be interfering with the little one's routine.
And if she persists in this, I would start to threaten that they would have to stay in a hotel.
And this business about respecting older generations....It does not give them the right to be so overbearing.

Quick clarification after I re-read my last post. I'm not saying to go to therapy WITH MIL. That's not what I'm saying, I was worried it might be interpreted that way.

Marriage counseling is just for the couple. MIL is not in your marriage.

I was just saying that by you two being a united front will help you both stand string in setting boundaries and consequences for MIL so she can learn.

She shouldn't even know you two are in therapy. It's none of her business.

Nmmaikra, I hope you are doing well and MIL and FIL take a day trip today so you will get the space you need to be comfortable with your children in your home.

Couples therapy has been put down on this thread by previous posters, but I want to make sure you know something. Therapy is not bad, I'd even say it's never bad. An objective third party's guidance and advice, especially in emotional and heated matters is always a good thing.

People who put down therapy or "don't believe in it" know they are likely to be told they are wrong. They know that the other party is likely to have the position validated. So they put down the whole concept.

The current generation of moms and dads did not create the idea of therapy. It's just not taboo to talk about it anymore. You'd be surprised how many people have been. Just a little tuning up. How anyone can put down the idea and effort to fix a problem, rather than let it fester, is beyond me.

That being said, I think it's critical you and DH get some couples therapy asap. It can save your marriage and help you two be a team.

You said earlier in one of your posts: "yes my DH does not have any more time take off work. He feels horrible and is understanding but I think afraid to ruin his relationship with his parents. He has talked to his parents in the past and nothing changes."

This statement is why I suggest therapy for you both. DH and his parents do not have a healthy relationship. He is allowing his mother to abuse his wife to keep his mother's love. It's common in relationships like this. MIL is pretty controlling and I'm' DH has spent his life keeping her happy. The problem is that now you and DH should be keeping each other happy. MIL's hold on DH is preventing him from doing what he wants to do (support you and his children) but he just isn't capable yet.

You and DH are in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) with MIL and FIL. You don't enjoy their company, you are uncomfortable with them around your children, yet you allowed them to come live at your home for 10 days. DH feels horrible with how its gong but FEAR is preventing him from doing something perfectly reasonable, setting boundaries with his mom. Because he know that is he does she will take her "love" away. He was raised this way by her. It's very sad. You guys are both putting up with them because you feel OBLIGATED to (i.e. they are his parents), even though they are incredibly rude and inconsiderate of you. You would never put up with this from friends, why put up with it from MIL?

"Family" should treat you better than friends and other people. Not worse.

Going to therapy does not nuke the relationship. It isn't starting on a path to estrangement. It's the opposite in fact. Going to therapy will give you and DH the tools and communication skills to be a united team. It will teach you guys how to communicate with MIL and give her appropriate consequences for her bad behavior so she can learn, change her ways and remain someone you occasionally visit with. Of course, it won't be in the way MIL likes or wants. She won't be allowed to take over and control every environment she's in. But, she's wrong and continuing to behave this way will only put hurt and resentment between these two families. Which in the long run will result in estrangement and strain on your marriage.

Therapy is a great way to get everyone to a place where they can be satisfied with the relationship. However, it's up to MIL to decide what's more important to her - a relationship with her son and his family OR getting her way.

Neither you nor DH can make that decision for her. But you can get the skills and assistance to be a united team and remain a couple.

There are all kinds of therapists out there. I would recommend vetting therapists and finding one who specializes in "leave and cleave" (a biblical reference to what happens when we marry, we "leave our families of origin, and cleave to our new family (i.e. wife/husband) or a therapist who specializes in addiction. Addiction therapists can be very helpful in these cases because they can set aside the DNA/blood ties and look at the people as individuals and building healthy relationships regardless of ties.

Hugs to you. I sent you a PM message of support. Feel free to let me know if you need anything.

I'm in your corner and believe it or not I'm in MIL's corner too. I think she will want a relationship with you all over being in control, she's just never been pushed back on. She needs help and support to fix this so int he long run she can be in your lives. It won't be easy for her to learn, but please believe she can until/unless she proves otherwise. You and DH just need the right support and tools to help her.

Wow GoodMama do you perhaps think you are working out your own issues under the guise of offering advice?
Nmmaikra Your MIL sounds a nightmare, but you should be very proud of yourself because you have opened your home to your husband's parents and without much support from him. In return they have undermined you and disrespected your values. The cake is a real clue the woman doesn't want to let go of being mother and is trying to replace her son with yours. What can you do? You can try constantly telling her but I have the feeling she won't hear you. You could cut off all contact but for those who do that there will be isues in the future when the child grows up and asks questions. You need to develop a strategy that empowers you. this may involve organising events and just telling MIL what she will be doing. It may involve introducing 'accidents' which happen unfortunately to things like the cake (I know it's a bit childish but it's amazing what a buzz you get when you disrupt the plans of a controlling individual). You may have to be very direct and instead of clearing up actually ask her to do something. We women often suffer in resentful silence thinking the other person understands how we feel but sometimes they don't. Finlly can you try to build a better bond with your DH about this so that perhaps after they have left you can both begin to see something funny about things and this truly dreadful woman. You are obviously a caring loving person don't let this woman with her twisted values, seperation problems and sheer rudeness undermine you. You are the better person.

Exactly, Febmummaofaboy - a sensible post from someone whom I presume is a young mum.

There have been so many documentaries recently about how bad baby wipes are so try not to take offense about the bath in the sink.

With the nice clothes and shoes. Although rude, you have to think if you had the money you would buy the best of everything. If they want to spend money on your babies then good!

The cake. Tell her you loved her idea of baking every cake for her son and you will be doing the same and baking all your son's birthday cakes. If she says it's her tradition tell her her son's birthday in a jokey way and leave the room.

Entitled people won't notice if you are happy or sad. You being upset unfortunately only affects your immediate family and not them. Choose your words carefully but pull them up on things you don't like. Sitting back and building a list of issues will only upset you more. You have a new baby and you need to stand up for your beliefs and your boys

you'll see I'm right


In your opinion.

You're putting your own interpretation on my posts goodmama.

I didn't tell the OP to grit her teeth and put up with it - I told her to be calmly assertive for her own sake and that of the new baby and suggested some coping mechanisms.

Your methods seem to be heading for estrangement and counselling, which I know are becoming increasingly popular amongst some younger people.
Rather sad that you do not consider grandparents to be part of the family.

The DH should have a quiet word with his parents and tell them their behaviour is overwhelming.

Goodmama’s ‘Imagines’ are spot on!

I expect that your in laws have no idea of the hurt they are causing. They apparently come from a level of society where status and standards count above all else. What you wear, eat, possess is everything and shows who you are. And they obviously want to spend every available minute with their grandchildren as they rarely see them. BUT....

This visit may only be for ten days, but how would you and yours cope if it was for six months?!

Why has your DH not taken time off work to spend with them? Surely his parents want to see him too and vice versa? He does have to be the one to sort this out and it will need to be handled with care. To a certain extent you don’t want to shot the goose which lays the golden egg!!

I would ask them to stay in a local B & B next time and just say that space is short and it's a lot of work with two small children, it would be easier all round. Also make sure your husband is around to take them out on specific trips planned in advance so you know where you're up to. The presents I would just accept through gritted teeth but the cake should have been yours to sort out. When my daughter was born we went to stay with my MIL for a week or two as I had post natal depression and hubby had anxiety problems. She took over the care of my daughter and I didn't get a say in what she wore or anything else. The final straw was when I was bathing her and she took her off me and ordered me to go and get her clean clothes. I was grateful of the help but felt I was being told off like a naughty teenager, so you need to take control and tell her where to go in a nice way of course lol.

Callistemon, you are wrong. My posts are supporting her and letting her know her feelings are valid. And that she and DH need to do something about MIL before there is no relationship at all.

And no, a 1 year old does not need to bond with someone who they won’t remember because she visits so rarely (thank goodness).

MIL should be calm, quiet and let him come to her. She has 10 days to gently let him warm up to her. Forcing herself on him, disrupting his routine and being rude to his mom is not helpful or ok. I’m shocked you would think it is acceptable behavior.

The truth is, this is the kind of behavior that creates estrangement. And a lot of the advice on here is for OP to just accept MIL’a behavior and wait out the visit. Except, that’s not how people work. OP will worry about this, stress about the next visit. She will become resentful of MIL and of her own DH. This is already happening. I’m not feeding her fears, I’m hearing her fears and letting her know to act now to prevent this from getting worse.

Advising her to put up with it, grit her teeth, aren’t helpful. They are harmful to the OP and to MIL.

MIL needs to learn how to be a respectful MIL, grandmother and mother to an adult son. Since she hasn’t come by this naturally, she will need to be taught.

If OP wants to be kind to MIL and to DH she needs to be clear with them about her expectations and behavior that is acceptable to her. And there needs to be consequences should MIL misbehave.

This is a big issue. Some MILa on here just don’t want to see it because it’s not what they want. They want to play mommy to someone else’s baby. They are resentful their “baby boys” are now adults with wives who are important to them. They want to be their boys #1. They want to put the wife “in her place”. They want to get their warm and fuzzies from a baby and they don’t care how much it upsets the baby or the baby’s mom.

These women need to get lives of their own. MIL had a tradition when DH was growing up that she bakes a bday cake. That’s great, what wonderful memories for her and DH.
But now MIL has decided that she will create a new tradition of baking someone else’s child bday cake.

You don’t get to put your traditions on other people. OP and DH are their own family, creating their own traditions and memories. They are not part of MIL’s family.

I know people here don’t like to hear that, but it’s true. MIL has no say, influence, rights, or expectations on OP’s children.

None.

Minimizing OP’s feelings will only cause her to become more resentful. And will only allow the issues to fester. Then the relationship will be over.

The responsible thing, the respectful thing, the kind thing to do is call out MIL, teach her how to be a MIL and GM and give her consequences when she acts up so she can learn.

Then maybe, maybe, a relationship can be saved and rebuilt.

But brushing it all under the rug will almost guarantee a cut off in the future.

Just read this board and you’ll see I’m right.

Hetty yes thankfully we no longer think it's ok to treat people like servants because they married your son. They are bullying her in her own home.
Critical of her parenting. Keeping the baby awake. Leaving mess for a new mother.

Absolutely none of the posts show the op as selfish and if you behave like the in laws here you need to sort yourself out.

Your post is not helpful goodmama and is feeding into the OP's anxieties.

Try to be calmly assertive, Nmmaikra, take your son for his naps and ask them to watch the baby, make coffee for you all, go to the shops, whatever while you settle him.

The only way they will get to know each other is by spending time together and no, it is not absolutely essential for a toddler to spend 24/7 with his mother and she is nearby anyway. Routines are desirable but not essential and they will soon be gone home again.

Nmmaikra, do not listen to these other posters. A baby only needs their mother. A toddler is very attached to their parents. These grandparents are strangers to your children. Of course the kids are upset and you are worried. You're a good mom.
MIL and FIL are selfish and don't care about you or your children. They only care about their own selfish wants. They are putting their own wants and pleasure above the comforts of a post-partum mom and her children. It's shameful.

There is no excusing their behavior.

I wouldn't engage posters on here who are attacking you and defending her despicable behavior.

"Respecting your elders" is crap. People earn respect, it's not given because you are old or share DNA. It's earned, and it can easily be taken away.

"A one year old doesn't need the constant attention of his mother. If you were working, he'd be in a nursery. You are being unreasonable if you expect your routine to work perfectly, like clockwork, with guests in your house. How about concentrating on being a good host?"

This is possibly the most ridiculous comment I've ever read. This person knows NOTHING about children or relationships.

Let's break this down, shall we?

-A one year old MOST CERTAINLY needs the constant attention of their mother, especially when they are strangers in their home, in their face causing nothing by havoc.

-If you were working he would be in a nursery, where we would develop attachment and trust with his caregivers, who are trained, experiences and knowledgeable in baby.toddler development. Your MIL is none of these things. She is just an uncaring stranger who is causing him stress.

-Routines are important and critical for little ones. Everyone who raised a child or works in childcare knows this. Yes, you stick to your routine. Why wouldn't you?! It should be easy, with her in your home 24/7, it's not like she's trying to squeeze in a whole visit in an hour and therefore disrupting his naptime. She's staying in your home 24 hours a day for 10 days. There is pleeennnnnty of time for her to play with your child during his normal waking hours. Disrupting his schedule is unnecessary and cruel to the kiddo.

-You have not packed this woman's bags and set them on the curb, even though she deserves it. This restraint shows you are and AMAZING HOST. What is going on here is this woman is a rude, unreasonable and disrespectful GUEST.

Now, if you just want to get through this visit, I understand.

However, I would get you and your husband to couples therapy. If he feels as bad as you say he does and he just needs help standing up to her than go to therapy. And do not schedule another visit until you are on the same page.

Nmmaikra, you wrote:
'I barely get to spend time with my son' which I took as your resenting them taking over. When I was young I respected my elders, however inconvenient or painful that was - and it really was. Has that gone out of fashion?

A one year old doesn't need the constant attention of his mother. If you were working, he'd be in a nursery. You are being unreasonable if you expect your routine to work perfectly, like clockwork, with guests in your house. How about concentrating on being a good host?

I have enough sense to get along nicely with my DILs and SILs and always ask how I can help, respect their rules and routines etc. and avoid criticism. However, I do expect them to treat me well too - and they do. It's all in stark contrast to my upbringing and experience of motherhood, though.

I'd never tell them but they all come across as spoilt, self-indulgent, self-important and sometimes clueless. I button my lip and I'm kind as I still can't help liking them all. (I blame their parents). They are very mindful of their rights but forget that rights always come with responsibilities.

Your in-laws are here from abroad for ten days. You should be able to cope with good grace. At least they're not living with you!

Your baby your routine. Yes it is nice for them to do things for the children if they live far away but if your baby is distressed and wants you just go over and take him back. I can’t believe they are being so unreasonable , they are being mean to the children just to have their own way, that’s not loving! They are YOUR children !

Callistemon, yes my DH does not have any more time take off work. He feels horrible and is understanding but I think afraid to ruin his relationship with his parents. He has talked to his parents in the past and nothing changes. He did encourage that they take a trip tomorrow so we all have some breathing room.
Ofc she knows he needs a nap but he is used to taking 2-3 hours in the morning and 1 hour in the afternoon. She thinking it is too much sleep and changes his schedule which in turn makes him miserable and unable to sleep at night for 2 nights straight...and ofc u don't see them getting out of bed to attend to him during the night...