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Am i being treated like a mug.

(75 Posts)
Bopeep14 Fri 02-Aug-19 14:07:26

I am right to feel a little annoyed that i asked for help with childcare for grandchildren from other grandparents, and was told they cant get time off in the summer only to find out they are taking the same week off as the children's mum.
Could they not have take a different week then i would have only had four weeks out of the six is it too much to ask really?

ElaineI Fri 02-Aug-19 14:32:00

Are you the children's Mum Bopeep? Personally I think you are being unreasonable to expect them to take their holiday when you want rather than when they choose. If they are working they may not have a choice - when I worked we had to consider other staff members as well. It sounds like they do some childcare which you should be grateful for.
I may be quite wrong though and you may be other grandparent and having to look after grands for the whole 6 week holiday which is a pity and probably exhausting for you. In that case I might feel a bit peeved but probably same applies as you can't dictate other peoples holidays despite it being frustrating. We manage with other GP doing our days and vice versa as we don't go on holiday at similar times of the year. DD1 a teacher and always off in the holidays. DD2 has to take her holidays when we are away and childminder away - she is away a lot! so we have to pick up her days frequently as she doesn't take him if he is ill more than a cold (but she still gets paid). Childcare is a minefield!

wildswan16 Fri 02-Aug-19 15:09:51

If the six weeks is too much for you then just have them for four weeks and ask their parents to make other arrangements. It is not up to you to organise their childcare.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable in finding six weeks a bit much.

sodapop Fri 02-Aug-19 15:30:14

It is annoying Bopeep14 when you asked for some help. I think you should make it clear that covering the whole six weeks is too much and the parents need to organise alternative care for the weeks you can't help.

glammanana Fri 02-Aug-19 15:36:41

Bopeep14 Unless you speak up LOUDLY you will be taken advantage of for sure,I'm certain you adore your grandchildren but 6 weeks is far too much without a break.The parents must be made aware and sort something out for you so you can have some respite.

Bopeep14 Fri 02-Aug-19 16:03:19

ElaineI No i am the grandparent who looks after grandchildren 6 days a week.
The parents of both sets i look after are both having a week off in August, what is annoying me is i asked months ago if the two i look after full time , the other grandparents could have them for a week in the holidays and was told no.
Have just found out today they are taking a week but the same week as there daughter so they can spend time with there grandchildren and daughter my son will still be working.
I just feel i could have had two weeks off if they had chosen a different week to there daughter i am exhausted already.

Riverwalk Fri 02-Aug-19 16:12:15

I remember some of your previous threads - you certainly are being treated like a mug.

You provide 6 days a week of childcare to multiple children and all the holidays as well - IMO you should severely cut back and let the parents and other grandparents share the load.

Minniemoo Fri 02-Aug-19 16:28:59

BoPeep. This is far too much and could be detrimental to your health. You're going to have to be very firm and just say no. No, you can't have them. How do you manage it? 6 days a week? Nightmare.

I had my grandson one afternoon a week and that was enough for me.

Maybe there's a happy medium.

Just tell them that you're sorry but you too are going away and won't be able to have them for 2 weeks of the summer holidays.

And I'd also try to cut back the 6 days a week business if I was you.

My mother always told me that my children were mine and if I wanted to work I'd have to find a sitter. So I knew where I stood!

Nandalot Fri 02-Aug-19 16:31:10

No, it’s not on. We look after two most days but DD takes two weeks off in the summer but also signs them up to various gym days and other activities to help break up the days/week. Hasn’t worked so well this year as DGS has been poorly so no gym for him!

RosieLeah Fri 02-Aug-19 16:36:57

Parents are responsible for the care of their children. Why do so many people have children and then expect others to look after them?

Bopeep....learn to say no. You're being taken for granted. Start standing up for yourself.

Namsnanny Fri 02-Aug-19 16:48:21

Bopeep...I would feel likewise. Can you tell respective parents it’s all too much and you need help or you won’t be fit enough to help out in the future?
Good luck shamrock

fizzers Fri 02-Aug-19 16:50:39

Bopeep, some great advice here, I also feel that you ar doing a little too much, what would happen regarding childcare if you suddenly took ill/had an accident, or some other incident occurred that rendered you unable to look after these children? You need some time for yourself.

My daughter would take the first two weeks off (the youngest was in nursery) so was just one child to arrange care for, they would go away on holiday as a family for the third week, father would take the fourth week off , I would have the eldest one for usually weeks five and six and father would take the eldest child to work with him for any remaining days.

This did mean that my daughter did have to take the bulk of her A/L in the summer but but her colleagues were in the same boat and arranged it between them

silverlining48 Fri 02-Aug-19 20:12:53

I understand why you are upset. You seem to be expected to do an awful lot of childcare. Much more than most of us would want to do.
Why don’t the other grandparents offer a week? Even if they still work its only a week out of their annual leave and it would be helping their daughter, and you too.
Saying something might be awkward but they seem to be taking your kindness very much for granted and that’s not on.

HurdyGurdy Fri 02-Aug-19 22:35:23

If you're looking after the children six days a week (which is in itself an utter outrage) then when do the parents actually parent their children??

You really do need to speak out and tell them that it's just too much - both for you AND the poor children, who apparently barely see their parents.

You must be utterly exhausted. When you DO get any downtime, and when are YOU allowed to take your annual leave from providing childcare.

There may be a backstory here that I'm not aware of, but it seems to be that your children are completely extracting the urine here.

GoodMama Fri 02-Aug-19 23:19:21

BoPeep, you have to set boundaries that work for you. You don't owe anyone childcare. You raised your children. Offer the parents your time and schedule that works for you and tell them (don't ask) to make arrangements that work around what you are able to do.

But just like it's not your responsibility to take care of their children, it's not the other grandparent's responsibility to make your choices easier for you. They are free to set their own boundaries and do what works for them.

This is a you-parent problem, not a you-other grandparent problem.

CanadianGran Fri 02-Aug-19 23:19:35

The kids mum has a week off and she's not watching her own kids? That sound crazy to me. You are being taken for granted.

Sorry, but i would put my foot down. It's not so much that the other grandparents should step up; that's totally up to them, but the parents should not ask you to do so much. Their children, their issue.

crystaltipps Sat 03-Aug-19 05:34:51

Unless you discussed this beforehand, the other grandparents are entitled to have whatever holidays they like- maybe they have said no to childcare, as they have every right - as do you. I definitely think you are being used here. It will be hard to extract yourself from this situation, but you have to take a stand. Sit down with the parents and tell them it’s just too much. They probably are unaware of your feelings.

Lyndiloo Sat 03-Aug-19 05:49:46

Bopeep - you're doing far too much childcare! Where is your life? You must tell your son/daughter that 6 weeks is not acceptable to you. It's up to them, then, to arrange alternative care.

Juliedar Sat 03-Aug-19 06:33:44

Bo peep I wonder if you’re being paid and you feel obliged? I used to be in this situation.

March Sat 03-Aug-19 08:40:51

You are doing way, waaaaay too much childcare! 6 days out of 7 for 5 weeks out of 6 is absolutely ridiculous.

I understand your DIL has a week off. Is your son having a week off?
I can see why you're abit angry about the other grandparents but they have the right idea and have said no. You can too!

Craicon Sat 03-Aug-19 09:25:30

Yes, you’re a mug.
Why aren’t the parents looking after them during the school holidays? Why did they bother having children if they wanted to palm them off to other people to look after?
My young DS has 10 weeks of school holidays and I’m at home with him for every single day.
I don’t see my DGC as they live abroad from us but my DIL will be solely looking after them for the 6 weeks holidays as her own parents live thousands of miles away.

Theoddbird Sat 03-Aug-19 09:29:07

Goodness me, you deserve a medal. When do you have time off for a holiday? You need to put your foot down...tell them now that this cannot go on.

Amagran Sat 03-Aug-19 09:30:26

Bopeep, am I right in thinking that you are looking after two sets of GCs? If this is the case, then I suspect that each set of parents is comfortable that you are not doing an unreasonable amount for them without thinking about the combined effect on you.

Perhaps you could decide on how many hours per week you can manage childcare and then divide that by two and offer that to each set of parents.

I don't think our children realise just how tiring childcare can be. There is often never any intention to take advantage. I think also that sometimes the parents rationalise their own necessity into a belief that we adore our GCs so much that we can't get enough of them!!

pce612 Sat 03-Aug-19 09:32:54

AIBU in thinking that if you can't afford the expense or responsibility of looking after children without taking it for granted that grandparents etc will be always available regardless, you shouldn't have them in the first place?

Fronkydonky Sat 03-Aug-19 09:33:07

These relatives are definitely taking you for a Mug. I’ve never heard of such selfishness. What’s wrong with you having a holiday yourself in the six weeks? A holiday away from the children you constantly care for, when it suits the parents. I believe you should get tougher and inform them you are off on a break and that they will have to make childcare arrangements elsewhere. You will be constantly at their beck and call unless you be firm and set some childcare rules. I really hope you manage to get some peace during the August break. I remember only too well how exhausting children can be when they are constantly needing entertaining.