MIL's Behaviour

I shall practice the advice from Phoenix.
It's possible your mother in law is developing some form of dementia. My experience is that we become more like ourselves as we get older. It sounds as though she enjoys upsetting people and has decided to give herself permission to behave as badly as she likes.
The best thing is to ignore as much as possible, just as we do with 3 year olds who can't stop shouting 'pooh'

We have a woman in our elder's group who is exactly like that - she delights in upsetting people. She particularly disliked me at first.
If she riles someone, she'll laugh.

I came to the conclusion that as this woman became more and more disabled and powerless (she walks very slowly with a frame and has just had to accept live-in help) she uses her 'forthrightness' as a means of getting power and control back into her life.

She's never been an easy person and because she's got away with it so long, it's got worse.

She's 80 now and no hope at all of changing but now I feel sorry for her because I see her as very sad and lonely and hating what she's now been forced to accept as daily life.

I suspect your mil has the same sort of issues.

On Mumsnet one of the standard put downs suggested in cases like this is saying "Did you mean to be so rude

Got it all worked out over there have they? Why am I not surprised.

I am finding her increasingly hard to cope with

Does she really need "coping" with? Can't you just answer her when she says these things in the same way you would any other human being?

I doubt it's dementia. Sounds to me like she says things that need saying.

Good heavens Gonegirl there must be people looking at you over their glasses at every turn!

I find its rare that anything needs saying.
Unless someone is being harmed, then its reasonable to let people live how they choose, speak how they choose, and do what they choose,

I would have much in common with your MiL (including my age) , though I might not put my thoughts into words. Perhaps you could introduce her to Gransnet and point her in the direction of Pedants' Corner.

I think MiL might be already on here annodomini!

I would try just looking at her for a moment, turn and start to walk away giving her a throw away remark like, so why don't you do something about your hairy lip, horrid hair style etc.

If she gives it, she should take it.

It’s very easy to say ‘just ignore her’ but I had similar issues with my own mother who once told me that she ‘could say anything she liked to me, nice or nasty, because I was her daughter’. This was so hurtful, especially when people told me what a sweet little old lady she was. We eventually had a really flaming row and I told her she wouldn’t’t see Me again unless she apologised. 5 days later the apology came because she needed me. My advice is to say ‘I will not be spoken to like that, and unless you have nothing good to say to me, say nothing at all’.

I think I would have said, well that's a two way street, so at my age I reserve my right to say what I think and pronounce words the way I want to.

We are all different so we all have to deal with things in our own way. I personally am ok with ignoring people to a degree, but won’t tolerate persistent rudeness and ignorance from anyone, and I do have to nip things in the bud. Ive had to speak to my own mum on many occasions ie. “does it make you feel better about yourself by putting others down” or “ it must be exhausting always having to be right” ..... she rarely has a response. I also limit the time I spend with her which is sad, but life’s too short to be with such selfish and negative people, no matter who they are.

My mother and I had very different views on lots of things, and I always tried to avoid contentious subjects. Occasionally, in her nineties, she would go too far and I would have to argue my side. I would get to point of feeling guilty about upsetting an old lady, when she would grin and say....I do love an argument, that's what I miss about your father....we had
lovely arguments.

I think that is very insightful Bradfordlass.

Hooty! What are you suggesting? I pity any poor woman who gets my DiL as a MiL some day in the future. She is ultra-pedantic and my GC have been brought up to be fussy too! We get on well together!

She’s just rude, avoid her whenever possible.

People who are bullies and think their variety of English is superior and “correct” others in a self congratulatory way, infuriate me. Though it is probably only what they were taught in school. There. I have given you a tongue lashing, if you are one such. And have proved myself to be just a different sort of snob and bully in turn.

I don’t have a problem with people saying things as they are.
If it’s rude I also don’t have problem with saying that I feel affronted.
The truth hurts always has and if it’s not someone’s place to say it I might actually tell them that if they ve been hurtful.

I think the response 'did you mean to be so rude or so uncaring ' is a good one followed by moving away.

My mum had sometimes a very ascerbic way of speaking to people.She also had a lifetime obsession about weight and would comment about anybody she thought was over weight. We coped with her by mostly ignoring and not responding, but making it a bit of a family joke. It was a standard joke "Your nana will have something to say about that." That said she could be incredibly generous and caring so we loved her very much. Could you try to look for some positives in your MIL and ignore her statements? You say she's in poor health so she may just be feeling awful and taking it out on everyone else. Also you may not have her with you for very much longer, try to put up with her.

One of the most difficult things about dementia is that it often begins with a little lowering of inhibitions, and a more exaggerated form of certain behaviours. Like the early stages of many progressive illnesses, it is difficult to know what is going on.
I would, within the family, discuss this possibility, whilst recognising that it may not be yet possible to diagnose dementia (and it may not be dementia).
I do wonder if "....I love upsetting people" is some sort of 'cover up' - the kind that often happens in the early stages of dementia.
My own mother did not upset people like this - but her rather bohemian nature came to the fore and she said some quite inappropriate things, then saying 'oh you know, I like things out in the open', for a few years before dementia became obvious.
Grand-daughter needs reassuring of course, and the choice to keep away if she wishes. I think that the rest of you can work together on handling it as best you can, and use each other for support.
Time will tell.

It's called 'disinhibition' and it affects people with various forms of dementia as well as some with brain injury, stroke and other neurological conditions. There's no point in getting upset, just change the subject; "A lovely cup of tea Gran?"

I remember a teacher at infant school telling me off for my pronunciation of the word drawing, and felt really humiliated. I was a good, keen student and felt she was just trying to nit pick.
However, many elderly people do feel they have the right to say what they want when they want, and dementia type illnesses can bring this on. I'd suggest keeping a diary of things she says and does from now on, just in case.

My MIL was like this. She was always very forthright but never cheeky or abusive. Gradually as she got older she became impossible. So interfering and asked people personal questions. She wanted her son to leave me and the children and live with her because she didn't like living alone.
Years later we discovered she had vascular dementia which must have been working on her for year. It just made all the bad things in her personality bigger. And yes " Did you mean to be so rude" is a great line.

Diary is indeed a good idea - I wish we had done it, it would have helped make the history clearer.
And there have been plenty of threads on pronunciation & grammar - it's just worth remembering that people who tell you off for your local accent or dialogue are likely, when fashions change, to call it 'wonderful / endearing / authentic / patronising word of the moment'. Sadly, not this MiL though, I think.