Loving relationship with married adult DS?

GS My MiL was utterly unpossesive. If DH had decided to emigrate to Australia at 16, she would have packed his bag, seen him off at the airport with a smile and a wave and then gone home and wept in private.

As a result DH was close to both his parents. I loved my MiL from Day 1 and she completely accepted me from the start
(if she didn't, she hid it very well). I think the reason we have such a happy relationship with DS is because we are equally unpossesive.

I do think that there seems to be this strange belief that MiL's are a uniform set, arising out of nowhere when a man gets married. In fact they are individuals, with immensely varying backgrounds and life experiences - as are DiL and the relationship between the two is as individual as any relationship between two random people. I cannot not see how other people's relationships with their MiL can shed any light on any other unless MiL and DiL have exactly the same background, life experiences and their spouses are also the same - and how often does that happen?

I only have dds, but SiL has a very good relationship with his parents, and dd gets on fine with her lovely MiL, thank goodness.

The problem often seems to arise when DiL and MiL don't get on, and judging from some of the threads on MN, there do seem to be some DiLs who are determined to bristle and take offence at the slightest thing.

OTOH there are evidently some MiLs who really do push their luck - there was a horrendous thread the other day about a MiL who took it upon herself to chuck out a lot of 'clutter' - which consisted entirely of cherished items from her DiL's childhood - some of them irreplaceable. And then expected her 'only trying to help' apology to be accepted!

You read of others who try to insist on being present at the birth of a Gdc - FGS what is wrong with some of these MiLs?

I suspect there are some unrealistic expectations of family relationships out there, Monica, which are bound to lead o disappointment.

I only have one DiL and she’s absolutely wonderful. She has enriched my life.

My own MiL is 92. She’s always welcomed me into her home. She’s a very simple person, just interested in her home and family, nothing else. I adjust my conversation topics when speaking to her and we get along well. She looked after me well, for three weeks after my third child was born. I have absolutely no complaints about her, why would I have?

Although I live too far from them for regular contact, I feel close to both my sons. They phone me often and tell me bits of news about themselves and their families or just for a chat. DS1 also has political discussions with me on Whatsap. If I need them they will bend over backwards to be there for me. I am also on very friendly terms with their partners, even though one of them is now an ex-wife.

I have been very lucky with my DiL. My son and her met when they were 16 and 14. She is like one of my own and keeps in contact regularly. They have been married 31 years.
I think making a fuss of in laws and making them feel special without intruding too much works wonders.

I’m struggling with my two adult sons. One 30 and single and the other living in the US - he and his partner got married and she fell pregnant and 6 weeks later he FaceTimed on his birthday to tell us. That was two years ago and although I’ve embraced the entire family and whole situation I’m unsure if I’ll ever get over the hurt of not being told. D.I.L. has a charmed life (only child, two parents who are divorced and live close by, doesn’t work, and wants for nothing. Son is working two jobs to make ends meet but she seems to have all the control. This is not like him at all. I just keep my mouth closed and make the most of the times we have together. My son messages almost daily and FaceTimes each week. But to be honest, the suddenness of it all I feel bereft - I know I have to cut the cord/apron strings but it’s hard - but I’m trying!

Good post Monica and one I agree with the word unpossesive and I think this is how I got along so well with my late mother in law, we had no competition going on. My husband used to visit her together or he’d go on a Friday on his own to see her. I learned this behaviour and now have the same behaviour with my daughters partner and we get along and she rings me every day. The bit about packing packs and upset behind the scenes is true too, we encourage even though it is very sad for us but works in our favour in the end

He calls her periodically, at least once a month and often more than that, possibly as much as once a week at times. He has lengthy conversations with her. He comments on her Facebook posts.

I don't mind. She is lovely and has accepted me.

What do you mean by you don’t mind? Don’t mind what? That he only calls monthly and clicks the odd like button or that he never visits or calls weekly and sends her cards and flowers? Your DH neglects his mother so I don’t get what you ‘don’t mind’ about ax you say she’s nice.

My sons have been exceedingly kind and affectionate especially since I became more needy.

I have always, since they were small boys, hoped for, and encouraged , and expected my sons to become more and more independent of me and their father. In actual fact we do all share quite a few interests, and I quite like all their wives for different reasons, naturally, as they are different people.

I consider myself very lucky to have such a lot of friendly contact with my sons, and even with their wives. Cannot say the same about grandchildren!

PS they conferred with each other and decided I needed more contact since I got more wobbly. I get a phone call each day and a twice weekly visit from them, besides urging me to ask for help if I need it. I do try to not be a nuisance and don't think i am.

First of all Yummisushi, a son should absolutely put his wife and family first. (as should a daughter with her spouse). I had a wonderful relationship with my son - same sense of humour - jokes that we just looked at each other to know we’d both had the same thought, and views about the world etc. etc. His (now ex-wife) took against me when I begged them not to make the mistake his father and I had made and marry too soon and find out he had married too young - he was 17, she 21 when they got engaged. I tried really hard to get along with her for the sake of not putting my son in an impossible position but was met with arrogance, rudeness and dismissal.
They moved to Scotland and I had very little contact with them after two very unhappy visits. I felt I did not know the person my son had become, but reasoned he was an adult and if he wanted to see me it was up to him and I could not blame his wife for keeping him away. Fast forward 17 years and the situation I warned them about came to pass. He met someone and realised just how unhappy he had been for at least five years, but had not the courage to tell his wife. He fully admitted he ought to have told his wife that he had met someone else, but she found out that they were meeting while walking their respective dogs (they did not have a sexual relationship until the split with spouses was inevitable).
How did I feel? Well, I was sorry for all the hurt and upset for both families and that my son had behaved badly, but underlying that I understood just how terrible it was to be in an unhappy marriage and I could not condemn him for wanting to leave the unhappiness, especially as I had seen how is wife was constantly putting him down in public.

The new lady in his life is kind and welcoming towards me, she treats him with love and respect, and the happy atmosphere in their family gatherings (they now have 7 children between them) is palpable. There is no tension between myself and the new family dynamic and I feel my son is back to the person he used to be. We don’t communicate regularly but have the feeling it doesn’t matter because the love is still there.

I have a mil and I am a mil.
I have an ok ish relationship with my mil , I phone her for a chat weekly then pass the phone over to dh ( her son ) for her to tell him the exactly same as she has told me.
We don't live local ( 200+ miles) but when we do see her, it seems to fall to me to be the one who keeps conversations flowing with dh chipping it as and when.
With regard to being a mil, again we do not live close, and my sip has his own mother in the same town. Recently my daughter was at working and he was looking after their child when there was a mini medical emergency . It was quite nice ( not the emergency obviously) but I was the first person he phoned for advice.

I have one son and we have always had a close relationship, comes to me for advice especially medical. Contacts me often and we see each other every week or two, more frequently if they need help with school runs etc.
I could not love my DIL more, she is very caring.
I loved my MIL, she was lovely to me but sadly I only had her for 17 years as she died when she was 58.

Both my son's had/have partners who accepted their closeness with me. Sadly my elder son died to cancer but 9 yrs later his wife and I are still really close ( even though she now has a child by someone else). To keep the bond with my remaining son I text him about things etc and don't leave it to his wife and they both like that. I text him to meet up, to pop over to him etc although I do text my DL for girl chat with her. He sees us every week either with or without his wife, she knows he likes to see us weekly and is fine with that. Sometimes's she comes, sometimes's she doesn't. She doesn't like staying away from home so my son comes away with us a couple of times a year. They are expecting a baby this month and they are both talking already of my son bringing the baby on trips away with us. I'm lucky I suppose that I have a DL that doesn't hold my son back from his relationship with us. My older son used to come away with us a few times a year with his wife and pop in twice a week for dinner etc. My relationship with my son's was/is wonderful.

My DH is an only son after his mother traumatically gave birth to a still born brother. Consequently, my DH was the no. 1 person in his Mum's life and nothing could ever be said against him no matter how badly he behaved. His first wife really resented MIL who had been a lynch pin in their marriage (cooking, cleaning, baby sitting) and when I came along, my MIL was quite open about how she wasn't going through that again. Recognising her love for her son, we agreed to share him so every so often, instead of us all meeting up, she would spend a day with him by herself. She just loved it and would always thank me. I'll be honest, although I didn't resent the time spent away from me, I did think it was a bit odd. However, now my son is married, the odd occasion that I get to see on my own is somehow more relaxed than when I see him with DIL. I don't know why as I love my DIL and enjoy her company but it just nice to have my son to my self somehow. I've obviously turned into my MIL.

Paddyann's situation resonates with me except the baby isn't due for another 6 weeks or so. My mom always said give them roots and also wings to fly and hopefully they will always return to you. We tried to do that and as in many things discovered that mom was correct. As far as we are concerned our AC's partners are simply an extra DS and DD. I know how fortunate we are to have such regular contact with all of them both via social media and in person.

My DS calls a couple of times a week and invites me to spend time with him and DGs every week too. He is a lovely warm and caring person. Sadly I can't say the same about my two DDs - the old saying " a daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife" is certainly not true in our family!

I have 2 sons & I appreciated that once they married I would take a lesser part in their lives- it is only natural.
I get on well with both DiL's which helps as the wives do all the social arrangements.
Older son is now separated but still good friends with ex & he rings/calls in here regularly. Younger son has very stressful job & I see more of DiL than him usually. I do pick the children up from school once a week so usually see him then as he works from home one day a week.
I am fine with the arrangement & we do all get together as a family for children's birthdays (6), Christmas, Easter etc.
If I need them they are there straight away.

Yummysushi IMO you are describing a mother-in-law that will never be satisfied with anything her daughter-in-law does, so stop trying and do what suits you.

Why she is like this, is difficult to say, but generally speaking a woman who is either domineering or egoistic will turn into this type. Her son is important because he is HER SON - someone whom she wrongly believes she can influence and should decide over, as "she knows best".

You can't change her, even your husband can't - my mother belonged in this category of women, my husband was never good enough, neither were any of the men my sister married and mother had to know everything that was going on in our lives all the time.

The only thing we could do was to stop telling her everything and ignore her relentless advice and criticism, and that is all you can do.

Don't feel guilty, none of this is your fault. Stop trying to please her.

I got on fine with my in-laws that is until we announced we were going to get married. After that the relationship went completely downhill (MiL ruined the engagement, wedding and subsequent christenings). She said and did some awful things over the years (not just to us but to our children as well which was more hurtful). This was all born out of jealousy, which in the end affected my DH's relationship with her and now he hardly sees her. None of this was my doing by the way as I think family is very important and did, over the years, try to encourage a better relationship with the in-laws (arranging visits and stays, birthday treats etc). Sadly, she lost out on so much but even more sad was the fact that my FiL did also and he was a very nice man!

We mothers raised our sons. If we raised them to expect women to be the only people responsible for maintaining relationships, it’s our fault if they expect their wives /partners to take on that role when they are married / partnered. I have four truly lovely daughters-in-law, and I have good relationships with each of them as individual people, and good relationships with my sons ditto. (And I’ve had two fabulous mothers-in-law as well). Mothers who got the parenting thing wrong can make difficult mothers-in-law because they see DiL as a rival, but what underpins it is loss and regret. Be sorry for them - they can’t go back and undo their mistakes. And think carefully about how you raise your own children.

I do wish I was in the place of so many of your dil. They are so lucky to have you.

I’m going to have to reread every single post and contemplate. You ladies sound lovely. I guess I’m just very very unlucky.. or in denial about my own flaws.

I hope you don’t mind me PMing some of you privately. Will take time though as I’m pregnant with a toddler and sleepless so takes me a while to process emotional topics.

Lots of love

I have great relationships with my adult sons and their wives. The one with children video calls whenever it is convenient and usually when the children are there to talk to us. His wife tends to leave it to him, probably because they live close to all her family. Her mum has become a good friend of mine and WatsApps me. We will visit her when we go sot stay soon.

The other one lives close by, they came for dinner last night and we will be at their house for a delivery next week. We could hear from them several times a week of not at all for a week. His wife and I communicate one way or another and last night even gave the same answer at the same time. We are close.

I think it helps that we don't call them, leave it to them to call us. We do have a family WatsApp group where we all share photos and info.

Tigertooth

We are in Canada and Hubby is a British ex-pat. His whole family is in the UK. He works nights and there's a 7 hour time difference between here and there. That's why the contact can be sporadic. But he loves his mom and she knows that.