Loving relationship with married adult DS?

yummysushi

You’re more than fair

Your children shouldnt be unsupervised

You tell him that his mother has not shown herself to be trustworthy towards you. Once she does start to prove herself, then you can move forward with her to a new relationship

If she's trying to destroy your marriage I wouldn't let her see your children. TBH, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling with a therapist who believes in "leave and cleave".

You should not have to be going through your savings because DH wants to play Uncle Pennybags with his siblings. That's ridiculous. He needs to learn to put his family first - and that means you and your children, not his extended family.

Sorry that meant to say :

* I don’t want her around me the first 2 weeks after birth

My DH calls his mum at work. Or she calls him. Almost twice a week. Sometimes more if something’s up. Sometimes less.

We visit them abroad once a year unless somethings up. And they visit twice a year. Length of visits are usually 1 month long. Where we are either staying with them the whole period if we are abroad, or they’re staying in their apartment in the country where we live and we visit them once a week and invite them over once a week. DH also goes to visit alone when possible probably once a week). (That’s after I went LC before that we would be staying in their apartment too).

I speak to MIL around once every two weeks in the presence of DH. I used to call her alone twice a week but I stopped because when I’m on my own she says things are are very hurtful. She asks me personal questions and ends up using that to try turn DH and her daughter (SIL) against me. I used to visit siblings in law who are much younger than us 3 times a week and have a very intimate relationship with them “looking after them” and report about their wellbeing to MIL to make her happy. Send them food. But I stopped alll that when things turned nasty and now I just let them know they’re welcome to visit me whenever they want, with notice, but I leave it up to DH to invite them over. I’m hardly ever invited to go over to their apartment and they make no effort. So I just tell DH he is welcome to invite his siblings when he feels like it but I need prior notice. Sometimes this is twice a month but most times it’s less because SIL is busy and also because there is tension and sometimes things get out of control.

I encourage DH to go visit them on his own because that’s what his mother likes. But I don’t like him taking my toddler there without me because SIL undermines my parenting and marriage in every way, but I told them they’re welcome whenever they want to see my child in my house.

We make several attempts to invite them.

My DH always lends his siblings money when they ask, despite the fact they don’t need it. I always end up going through my savings to supplement us for the month when they take long to pay us back. My DH feels he just needs to be the better person so his mum doesn’t worry about her kids and so the misunderstandings don’t exaggerate.

SIL and MIL made it clear that they don’t respect me, or our marriage before I went LC. Before that I was more than a daughter to MIL. Treated her like my own mother and even more because she was abroad and I knew she was feeling lonely.. I shared personal details with her when she called about my medical records and my DH and I, as well as my family.

She doesn’t like at all the I stopped doing that. I stopped cold turkey and confronted SIL but not mother in law about why that is. Because I found out from DH that she was using what I tell her to say vile stuff about me and my family to DH and wasn’t overly obsessed with finding things to put us down behind our backs to make herself feel better. She was making demands from nun DH which seriously compromise my marriage.. anyway long story. I caught evidence of her speaking very ill of me and stalking me while pretending to be friendly. I made it clear I know of everything and so I’m a changed person. Never got an apology, instead I was blackmailed that if I don’t move past things then I would lose my marriage. That didn’t happen because thankfully my DH managed to figure out a way to take my side but was bullied greatly for it. She refused to acknowledge his son.

But In short she thinks I should forgive her and be the lovely dil I was. Not being smug but I really was lovely. I told SIL and DH that I want a formal relationship from now on because I don’t trust anyone in my personal space who has backstabbed me, no matter how insecure they felt.

Sorry I’m derailing.

Point is, I’ve typed the kind of things that DH does for his mum, and because I have kids and I somehow don’t want them alone with the grandparents (I will be manipulated through them for sure) I feel bad and have to do my bit too, but limited.

I wonder whether I’m doing enough.

I’m due to give birth next month. I don’t want her around me the first 2 months after birth. I feel so traumatized by her. I know its not acknowledging her right as a grandmother. But she has been extremely vindictive during my first child’s birth, she refused to answer any calls and refused to see my son and forced my DH to choose while I was in Labour. Me and my DH were in tears because she boycotted my baby for 11 months just because my DH wouldn’t give me ultimatum about going back to calling his mum twice a week and letting her have her way.

I feel so traumatized by it all because it sent June DH to depression and I had to deal with that as well as recovering from birth and despite my efforts to create peace i was treated very rudely. My baby son was hugely compromised and used against his father to blackmail him. She made a clear request that she wants her son to give me an ultimatum else he loses her and his inheritance and despite my DH not accepting but he made compromises and it was depressing.

I’m very traumatized by all this and don’t want her near me when I give birth.. she has been acting like everything is fine now. She is still interrogating DH about why I don’t wanna go out with his sister alone and all that. But since pregnancy the rudeness has reduced. But I am traumatized by what happened and it lasted very very long and was very uncalled for.

So I feel I’m having to be unfair on her and not provide free access to my kids. She wants to babysit and look after my kids and her daughter too. But I genuinely have that as my nightmare.

I feel I don’t have the right to interfere between her and her son.. but she has interfered in my marriage and she WILL if given the chance interfere between me and my kids and manipulate them.

So I feel my DH doesn’t understand that while he is free to be as doting as he wishes... but I feel horrible to say that my kids will never be with her without me.. ever... and it’s hard to explain that.

I am a bit radical in the way I’m protective of my kids. I never thought I’d do that.. everything sends me with alarm bells.. I feel as a grandma she should feel part of their lives and not have me as a gateway. But it took her a whole year saying how she doesn’t feel any love for my son just to annoy DH... and now all he wants is to get her to love his kids and doesn’t dare question her when she undermines our parenting.

Anyway I wonder if any of you ladies could help me figure out if:

1- I’m being fair
2- what would be the best arrangement so I don’t have this intense worry about my kids being around her unsupervised
3- how do I sensible communicate to my DH that I don’t trust his mum with my kids.

Our DS (only child) lives 5000 miles away, with his family. We know we are welcome visitors whenever we see them - usually annually, when this can be managed. In the meantime, we have regular Skypes and emails; sometimes this is just me and DS, depending on who is around. As a mum I was determined that DS would be someone who could do all the jobs needed around the house, thus he can cook, clean, do the washing, make the beds, etc. (And he actually does these things - doesn't simply say that he will!) As a parent he has always been able to take good care of DGC, on a daily basis. DH & I get on well with DiL - it's all about give and take. (And I know that DiL appreciates that DS was brought up to do stuff in the house.)

Monica we are going to see DS & Dil's new kitchen soon too! Not sure which one uses it most. Apparently the best thing is that the dishwasher opens the door when its finished! I see a lot of unwanted help from the 2 year old!

Mind you, we will probably be dependent on Facebook for news for the next week or two. DS is on site and a long way from home for the next 2 weeks and once the kitchen is done and with school back DDiL will be back to work and her studies, catching up with the summer backlog.

I've always got on well with my mother in law. We are both laid back and don't live close to one another. As long as her son rings her on a Sunday and sees her 4 times a year, everything seems to go ok.

I wonder if it is about personality tbh

She fell out with me once, quite dramatically but it was forgotten about. Again, I think that's personality.

MOnica I’m so jealous

Been exchanging emails with DDil all afternoon. The new kitchen looks lovely.I cannot wait to visit. She in her turn, offered love and support as I come to the end of a stressful summer.

I have noted how many mothers have loving relationships with their sons. My grandfather always said that a girl should watch how the future husband treats his mother because that is how he will treat his future wife 10years down the line once the initial romance has changed.
Unfortunately I did not heed his advise and 10 years down the line he treated me like he had his mother (lack of respect) and subsequently ran off with another woman

Coconut just like me! Perhaps we can tell ourselves we did such a brilliant job of bringing them up that they have good taste!!

I’ve 2 sons and I must admit 2 wonderful DIL’s too. I am aware that many people struggle with theirs but I haven’t lost my sons, I’ve gained 2 more daughters and am very close to both. I am so lucky and truly feel that I am blessed and my SIL is lovely too.

Tigertooth

We are in Canada and Hubby is a British ex-pat. His whole family is in the UK. He works nights and there's a 7 hour time difference between here and there. That's why the contact can be sporadic. But he loves his mom and she knows that.

I have great relationships with my adult sons and their wives. The one with children video calls whenever it is convenient and usually when the children are there to talk to us. His wife tends to leave it to him, probably because they live close to all her family. Her mum has become a good friend of mine and WatsApps me. We will visit her when we go sot stay soon.

The other one lives close by, they came for dinner last night and we will be at their house for a delivery next week. We could hear from them several times a week of not at all for a week. His wife and I communicate one way or another and last night even gave the same answer at the same time. We are close.

I think it helps that we don't call them, leave it to them to call us. We do have a family WatsApp group where we all share photos and info.

I do wish I was in the place of so many of your dil. They are so lucky to have you.

I’m going to have to reread every single post and contemplate. You ladies sound lovely. I guess I’m just very very unlucky.. or in denial about my own flaws.

I hope you don’t mind me PMing some of you privately. Will take time though as I’m pregnant with a toddler and sleepless so takes me a while to process emotional topics.

Lots of love

We mothers raised our sons. If we raised them to expect women to be the only people responsible for maintaining relationships, it’s our fault if they expect their wives /partners to take on that role when they are married / partnered. I have four truly lovely daughters-in-law, and I have good relationships with each of them as individual people, and good relationships with my sons ditto. (And I’ve had two fabulous mothers-in-law as well). Mothers who got the parenting thing wrong can make difficult mothers-in-law because they see DiL as a rival, but what underpins it is loss and regret. Be sorry for them - they can’t go back and undo their mistakes. And think carefully about how you raise your own children.

I got on fine with my in-laws that is until we announced we were going to get married. After that the relationship went completely downhill (MiL ruined the engagement, wedding and subsequent christenings). She said and did some awful things over the years (not just to us but to our children as well which was more hurtful). This was all born out of jealousy, which in the end affected my DH's relationship with her and now he hardly sees her. None of this was my doing by the way as I think family is very important and did, over the years, try to encourage a better relationship with the in-laws (arranging visits and stays, birthday treats etc). Sadly, she lost out on so much but even more sad was the fact that my FiL did also and he was a very nice man!

Yummysushi IMO you are describing a mother-in-law that will never be satisfied with anything her daughter-in-law does, so stop trying and do what suits you.

Why she is like this, is difficult to say, but generally speaking a woman who is either domineering or egoistic will turn into this type. Her son is important because he is HER SON - someone whom she wrongly believes she can influence and should decide over, as "she knows best".

You can't change her, even your husband can't - my mother belonged in this category of women, my husband was never good enough, neither were any of the men my sister married and mother had to know everything that was going on in our lives all the time.

The only thing we could do was to stop telling her everything and ignore her relentless advice and criticism, and that is all you can do.

Don't feel guilty, none of this is your fault. Stop trying to please her.

I have 2 sons & I appreciated that once they married I would take a lesser part in their lives- it is only natural.
I get on well with both DiL's which helps as the wives do all the social arrangements.
Older son is now separated but still good friends with ex & he rings/calls in here regularly. Younger son has very stressful job & I see more of DiL than him usually. I do pick the children up from school once a week so usually see him then as he works from home one day a week.
I am fine with the arrangement & we do all get together as a family for children's birthdays (6), Christmas, Easter etc.
If I need them they are there straight away.

My DS calls a couple of times a week and invites me to spend time with him and DGs every week too. He is a lovely warm and caring person. Sadly I can't say the same about my two DDs - the old saying " a daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife" is certainly not true in our family!

Paddyann's situation resonates with me except the baby isn't due for another 6 weeks or so. My mom always said give them roots and also wings to fly and hopefully they will always return to you. We tried to do that and as in many things discovered that mom was correct. As far as we are concerned our AC's partners are simply an extra DS and DD. I know how fortunate we are to have such regular contact with all of them both via social media and in person.

My DH is an only son after his mother traumatically gave birth to a still born brother. Consequently, my DH was the no. 1 person in his Mum's life and nothing could ever be said against him no matter how badly he behaved. His first wife really resented MIL who had been a lynch pin in their marriage (cooking, cleaning, baby sitting) and when I came along, my MIL was quite open about how she wasn't going through that again. Recognising her love for her son, we agreed to share him so every so often, instead of us all meeting up, she would spend a day with him by herself. She just loved it and would always thank me. I'll be honest, although I didn't resent the time spent away from me, I did think it was a bit odd. However, now my son is married, the odd occasion that I get to see on my own is somehow more relaxed than when I see him with DIL. I don't know why as I love my DIL and enjoy her company but it just nice to have my son to my self somehow. I've obviously turned into my MIL.

Both my son's had/have partners who accepted their closeness with me. Sadly my elder son died to cancer but 9 yrs later his wife and I are still really close ( even though she now has a child by someone else). To keep the bond with my remaining son I text him about things etc and don't leave it to his wife and they both like that. I text him to meet up, to pop over to him etc although I do text my DL for girl chat with her. He sees us every week either with or without his wife, she knows he likes to see us weekly and is fine with that. Sometimes's she comes, sometimes's she doesn't. She doesn't like staying away from home so my son comes away with us a couple of times a year. They are expecting a baby this month and they are both talking already of my son bringing the baby on trips away with us. I'm lucky I suppose that I have a DL that doesn't hold my son back from his relationship with us. My older son used to come away with us a few times a year with his wife and pop in twice a week for dinner etc. My relationship with my son's was/is wonderful.

I have one son and we have always had a close relationship, comes to me for advice especially medical. Contacts me often and we see each other every week or two, more frequently if they need help with school runs etc.
I could not love my DIL more, she is very caring.
I loved my MIL, she was lovely to me but sadly I only had her for 17 years as she died when she was 58.