Loving relationship with married adult DS?

I know without doubt that both my sons love me. One rings regularly and when he was much younger used to come to us for advice, less as he’s got older. He does confide in us,particularly his dad. My oldest son lives down the road and I see him three or four times a week because I look after his children. I was very close to my MiL who came to stay with us regularly. we had our little niggles and she often drove me crazy but she was treated with love and respect. I think that perhaps because my boys saw how their granny was treated they automatically treated us their own parents in the same way. My own feelings about being the mother of married sons is that you have to accept with good grace that your further down the list of priorities, so you come after the wife, the children and the hardest part to accept is after the wife’s family. It doesn’t mean your sons don't love you. They do but their priority is their own family and rightly so.

You have fallen into the role of social secretary.

Your dh needs to determine how often he wants to talk to her, see her, etc, without leaving you in charge.

You have the choice to leave all the emotional load to him - do not ask him when to call, whether he called his mother, get her a bday/Xmas present, etc.

Your dh is able to hold a job and function in society- he will figure I out if he realizes nobody will do it for him

Can I pm you paddy ?

still am ,we have her to stay with us regularly ,more after she was widowed and speak to her regularly on the phone as does my husband .In fact we decorated her bedroom last christmas and she wasn't happy with the colour so we went together to choose new wallpaper for her and she was so pleased with it she was telling all her forends ..lol.We redecorate her house for her too while she's staying with us .Its what family does...well my family

Paddy your relationship with your son sounds like the dream.

I genuinely had high hopes when I met DH and saw how close he was to his DM. He was as you say.. updates he really on everything, sees to her daily needs. To me that was beautiful. Genuinely.

I have a son myself who is only 2 and I was willing to put my self second on many occasions to just see that woman happy.

But she never liked me. Always meddled in my marriage in a negative way.. it really saddens me with grief that I couldn’t have that relationship and ended up having to go LC.

But my DH who has relied on me for all the communication over the years is oblivious at how to do it himself.

It baffles me... she gave birth to him not me.. why can’t he figure his own mother out and make her happy without it being through me or about me?!

Paddy were you close to your MIL?

I see my son most days ,he pops in on his way home from work,he msgs me with things he thinks I might be interested in or find funny .He and his partner are due their baby today,she's in labour now and I'm getting unsolicited updated hourly .
He has the same relationship with us as I had with my parenst and so does my daughter .We have always een a very close family .

I have two married adult DS.
I think there is a tendency once they are married or in a long term relationship to leave all communications to the wife. I love both of my DILs and am quite happy to make family plans, discuss GC etc. with them. I do like it when my sons phone me for a chat though. One son does this about once a fortnight, the other less frequently, and usually for a reason, not just a chat. It would be nice if my sons bought and wrote birthday and mothers day cards themselves rather than leave it to their wives.

I don't know if you have children yourself. I look at my DIL with her 5 year old son - they absolutely adore each other (and rightly so). He says "I want to marry you mummy and never leave you". Then I remember that this is exactly what my son (her DH) used to be like with me. I think if DILs (and adult sons) thought about that for a minute they could be more forgiving of us mums.

Now they are parents I feel my sons are closer than before to both of us.
We all adore their DC after all!
DH has always been a dutiful son too and we see his DP a couple of times a week.
We have recently been on holiday with one DS.
It is quite possible to retain a loving relationship.

I guess my MIL thinks I’m responsible for taking her darling away from her and I’m trying to figure out why she is feeling neglected by him. Trying to work out what a normal relationship with someone’s mum sounds like.

I don’t get the “I’m his mum not his wife” comment though. I don’t see how the two relationships should clash

DS FaceTimes once a week. Will that do?
I’m not sure what you’re asking, OP.
I love my DS but I’m his mum not his wife.
My apron strings were untied a long time ago.

I only have a DD, and she's 14, but I can tell you what my husband does for his mom (she's lovely).

He calls her periodically, at least once a month and often more than that, possibly as much as once a week at times. He has lengthy conversations with her. He comments on her Facebook posts.

I don't mind. She is lovely and has accepted me.