MOTHER & SON RELATIONSHIPS

Good luck x

This reminds me of a friend of mine whose son married a woman who, clearly, couldn't stand her (it only came out after they married). From my friend's POV, she kept him away from them (and even if he came to family gatherings, she never did), persuaded him to "leave a perfectly good job near where they lived", go back to college, be more ambitious in his career,, and was keen for them to emigrate. From the son's POV (I later learned through someone-else), she was the excuse he needed to get some space in his relationship with his parents - they were kind and caring but this frequently crossed the line between Care and Control, and it was convenient for him to be able to put the blame for the distance on his wife, rather than himself. There is a reason your son has married her - which only he may ever know - but you have to trust that there is something in the relationship that he needs (maybe only at this time in his life). Go into family therapy with an Open Mind, don't be looking for someone to blame (a good therapist won't let you do that) and Listen properly as well as Talk - if you don't, then you may well lose him completely (just as my friend lost her son eventually - the only way he could get some distance from them was to move 200 miles away). Good luck.

Family therapy is really worth while. It will be a marvellous opportunity to explore, in a non threatening and non blaming way, whats actually going on and then to look at what you would wish was going on and if that is a reasonable wish or not.

You will come away from sessions relaxed with a good understanding of the dynamics underpinning things. It will be much easier for you to be calm about things and to observe elements you don't like without being drawn in emotionally.

I am sure you will find the sessions really helpful. It does not matter who attends, though it is nice if the different people would. However there are all sorts of possibilities in therapy to enable the situation to include the absent parties.

Good Luck.

He wasn't born to make his parents happy and do everything that they deem to be right fgs.
The mother is undeniably controlling. Family therapy because she thinks her adultson is being alienated from 'his family'? ??
He's better off without the suffocating, cloistered family business his mother wants to foist upon him.
Get away...far far away.

Family Therapy is very good at balancing the two sides so that anybody at odds does not feel ganged up against. Sometimes this makes it feel that the therapists are taking an odd view but it usually means they are doing the balancing act well.
However, you might find that, whilst your other children are generally happy with you as a parent, they might feel that they have stuff to air which you might be unaware. This might highlight your faults as a parent which I can tell you can be very painful. If you feel that you can accept their perceptions and work on your relationships, you might find it very useful. If you are going to be extremely miffed by it all, it's not for you. I say this because from your post I sense that you feel that these sessions will put your son right and I don't necessarily feel this will be the case.
As for the epilepsy, you cannot make someone an epileptic. It may be that they exacerbate it but you are either epileptic or not. Blaming his fiancee will not help the situation.
It is hard to step back and let our kids fly the nest but we have to let them make their own mistakes. If things go horribly wrong, just be there to help them pick up the pieces without any sanctimony involved. Enjoy the best relationship you can with them even if it means biting your tongue and smiling when you feel like crying.
Do let us know how Family Therapy goes. I'd love to get my daughter to that but I think pigs would fly first!

Just be honest and open, the counsellor will have seen it all before

The family therapy is a great idea. If you all give it your best, something good will emerge. Your feelings about your son's physical and mental well-being may be echoed by your other children and your youngest son may be persuaded to have individual therapy as a result. Clearly, he is making choices regarding his new life partner that none of you is happy about and I know you've had advice on this thread to stay out of that. However, I have seen many sons go down this path and be alienated from their parents and siblings by controlling partners who are playing out their own need for undivided attention. Frankly, they all end up being really unhappy as when they have their own children the controlling partner refuses his side of the family access to the children. In my opinion this needs to be tackled before it can get a strong grip.

paddyann says it all in a nutshell.
I certainly wouldn't want to be 'absorbed' into a family business and you have no business being peeved that she wants him to find his own groove.
She is not taking your son away. Parents only have their children for a time. They aren't possessions.

Epilepsy or seizures can be connected to anti-depressants. I know this, because it happened to my middle-aged son who is currently suffering from debilitating mental health problems. The seizures meant two years of not really being able to work at his highly-paid and demanding professional job where he'd been for over twenty-five years, so that hasn't helped either. His wife is much older than him, so no children, and she's been very loving and supportive - not easy. He contacts me rarely.

Good luck with the therapy. I would just go in with an open mind. Be ready to really listen, try not to be too upset if your son says things you don't like. Be brave. And all agree to try and understand each other.
Regarding your daughter in law. It must be very hard but just try and be supportive to your son she is his choice so she must have some good qualities. Try not to judge or question his choice.
Also I'm not a doctor but I don't think epilepsy can be brought on by stress.
I wish you well

I am a little bemused as to why you are all going to family therapy?
My eldest daughter is married & without the marriage connection none of us would choose to socialise with her husband.
However he is her choice & we all manage to remain civil & pleasant (occasionally with a few internal eye rolls).
Whether we have sons or daughters our role is to try to raise them as responsible adults & then take a step back & let them make their own decisions.

kickas69 and all those that say the Family counselling sounds a wonderful idea It’s not family counselling its the AGAINST side of the family and to me sounds like they ll all be chewing over with the counsellor this terrible woman who has taken away their son and brother
Family counselling may be good if it INCLUDED the son and wife so they can air their side of this debacle

There are reaons your son was attracted to this young woman. Perhaps he did want freedom to live his life and make his own mistakes, if necessary? You have choices, and if you want to maintain relationships with him and his new family, letting go of your hopes and dreams may, sadly, be necessary. I think young people are more prepared to "ditch" close relationships that they don't feel comfortable in. Whether that's good or not is another thing. But unless you can shift your thinking, you may lose your son. Not easy.

Lou2019 it is such a good idea that you are having counselling as a family. I suggest during these sessions you stress how much you love your son and only want him to be happy. Whatever you do none of you should criticise in any way your daughter in law. If you do it will come back to haunt you and you will find you are estranged from your son also.
Try and find something positive in your DiL. She must have some good points or your DS would not be married to her. As someone said you must know her pretty well as she lived with you for 2 years.
I have made a real effort with my DiL over the last few years and it has paid off. I bend over backwards to praise her and tell her I love her. You may think this should not be necessary but I am doing this for me and my DS.
I wish you well.

Lou2019 the family therapy is a very good idea and go with that..

However the old fashioned idea of pushing a man to earn more, do more beyond his energy or capabilities I have seen go pear shaped within my own family. If the DiL wants a fancier richer lifestyle, has she thought of earning it herself?

I agree with the advice about sticking with it but I totally feel for you. It is SO hard as i know from my own experience. Take care

I am a mother of two children aged 10 and 12. I am also a DIL. I see both sides. But I think you are maybe more at fault than you realise and family therapy sounds ridiculous I’m afraid. You are no longer the core family unit that you once had and still want. You will always be there for your children but you sound suffocating. Your son is merely growing up. His girlfriend has different views to you and maybe so does your son. He might blame his fiancée to break free from you without hurting you. You expect the same intense relationship as when he was a child but that’s unreasonable. Children grow and find their own way and just because it’s not how you want it doesn’t mean you can decide the dil is evil and that you need to drag your poor son to family therapy where the rest of you have a go at him! It’s all quite strange. You are the one in the wrong. You need to accept he is a grown man. Love him and be there for him but let him and his wife live their life as they choose. They are not out to hurt you. You are just not the centre of your sons life anymore. And rightly so. He will enjoy a good marriage being a loyal husband and you should want that as it will make him happy. I think you are being quite selfish. It’s hard I’m sure but you have to rise above it. Good luck.

100% believe old adage ‘a son is a son until he gets a wife’. There is a good reason behind it. We all need a mum. A girl is getting a mum when she marries but often times a man is. So essentially for a man he is getting a new mum, but he can also sleep with her, which obviously top trumps the normal type!! Those lucky enough to get a sweet, good hearted daughter in law who have had a fabulous relationship with their own mother have absolutely no comprehension of what it is like for the poor mums who get a daughter in law who is jealous of the close relation ship between mum and son. So you could say, easy for them to say! Essentially the plain truth is, if a man loves a woman he is giving ‘anyone up for her’ even his own mother because essentially that wife can meet all his needs (in a way a husband couldn’t for a daughter). My nan (who died in 1981 at 72) had a fantastic relationship with her son’s wife. Her son continued to be a living son because their daughter in law enjoyed being part of the family and encouraged the contacts. When the marriage broke down (she went back to her first childhood sweetheart) my uncle married again. The second wife came from a family that was not close as ours was. She felt threatened by our close family. She wanted him to sever links with his family. The bet result was my nan lost her son, my mum lost her only sibling, her brother. Us kids lost our uncle after already losing our lovely auntie and my nan died a couple of years later. My lovely mum died ten years ago without seeing her brother again. You could say he was he nasty man but he wasn’t he was a lovely man and a lovely son, brother and uncle but when it came to hey lads hey, he did not want to lose another wife. Most men will go along with the wishes of their wife for a peaceful life believing a happy life is is a happy wife. If you don’t like the old adage a son is a son until he gets a wife, add the line ‘unless his wife allows him to continue being a son’ because in my experience that is the long and the short of it. Those that deny the truth of it ought to thank their lucky stars that they have by sheer luck got a daughter in law that puts in the effort to make sure their husband maintains family links and accept it is no special parenting on their part simply but simply pure and fortuitous luck of the draw.

Am I over reacting ...

My son and his girlfriend are expecting their first child next year and he is busy making plans to move and build a home . Tbh she’s not who I would thought my son would have chosen but if he’s happy so am I . I live 2 1/2 hours drive away as I relocated after my marriage broke down but my son and daughter live back home with their dad . Neither of them are keen on her but I don’t intend to make life awkward I had those issues between my family and my husband and it makes life very miserable . So I’ve happily thrown myself into being an expectant grandmother buying what I can and being supportive . My son doesn’t visit me I met someone new and I think he feels if he doesn’t come and acknowledge it then it doesn’t exist . Not ideal but I’m not arguing I go back as often as I can and stay over in a hotel and spend time with him. It’s an expensive trip but what can you do . So anyway son is buying a flat and hopefully in the future I will be able to stay there when I visit. We were recently talking and he said about me coming down when the baby was born etc and he said the GF is happy for me to visit to see the baby as soon as it’s born but she wants the first 2 weeks alone so I can’t stay I’ll have to return a couple of weeks later to see them . I didn’t expect to stay for days encroaching on their special time but I am a bit hurt that I’m expected to drive down say hello and then disappear . Maybe I’m over sensitive but my daughter is fuming she says my son needs to grow a back bone and stand up for what he wants . We’ve always been very close but I guess it’s time I move aside for his new priorities . Am I just being too soft ?

I’m wondering why you need to be so involved in your sons life he’s an adult, it sounds too claustrophobic for me: this girlfriend soon to be wife probably doesn’t want him to be so tied up in the family business and stand on his own to feet doing something else. Nothing wrong with that, she probably doesn’t want to live n breathe family business, you do need to try n accept his wife to be it’s his choice, just because you don’t like her, she’s the woman he’s chosen to hopefully spend the rest of his life with, going to family therapy with your adult children sounds a bit strange to me, sounds like ganging up to me, I’m obviously very different to you and once my children who are adults of 40.38 36 31 make their own choices in life, sounds to me like you can’t get over the fact he’s left the business, surely he can do what he wants to do with his life

All those saying such a close relationship is odd. Really? I think family therapy is an excellent idea. It takes a village to raise a child, extended family are very important, and if there are family issues, then therapy could sort out a lot of future problems. The OP may realise that there are faults on both sides during therapy and mend bridges with the DIL, the the son may find out he is being manipulated, or that he or his future wife have deeper issues. It sounds as if he has always had a few issues, and perhaps the expectation of being in the family firm was too much for him, and she has helped him realise his dream? Therapy can help with that. Close families are a boon and not to be seen as weird! A Close family does not have to be interfering or smothering.

As impossible it will seem you have to let your son do what he wants. You are taking steps to address the breakdown of relationships with you and your other family members for which you are to be applauded. Do hope you find some solace in your efforts. If all is as bad with your DS he may well realise how controlling his wife to be is.

Everyone wants the perfect partner for their child. However no parent could or should make the choice, in my opinion. Maybe his stress is due to his own conflicts? He left the family business; he wants to please his family but is torn by his need to make his own decisions? You see the partner as controlling; he sees her as a breath of fresh air? You don’t say why you think the partner hates you all. Surely not because you took her in for two years? The family counselling sounds like a great idea to me. A chance for everyone to be honest and state their case. At the end of it, you all have the chance to make a fresh start and try to rebuild the good relationships you had. Sometimes having a great relationship does not involve actual closeness, but a more separate, independent but loving situation.

How do you know that your son’s fiancé pushed him into leaving the family business and starting a new career? Did he tell you that?

Has your son always suffered from epilepsy or is this recent? You seem to be insinuating that your son’s fiancé is the cause of this.

It sounds like a good idea to have a therapy session as it may air and go part way to the problems that have obviously been festering in your family for some time.
At the age of 25, you would really expect your son to be adult enough to make his own decisions and I think it is sad that you blame everything that has gone wrong for him recently on his fiancee.
As she has lived with you for 2 years, I would have thought that you would have got to know her quite well. Have you ever thought that her "pushing" him into leaving the family company and moving into a different field of work may be at least partly his idea? maybe he felt that as the younger son in the family business that his thoughts and ideas were being ignored and was being treated like just any other worker?
Or maybe by leaving , he will be getting a decent enough wage to be able to buy his own house etc?
It's a great shame that you are so anti the fiancee, with possibly no concrete evidence and I'd guess that whoever he was engaged to would not be treated favourably either.
There seems to be this idea that all families should move around together en mass forever, with no disagreements marring the picture perfect life. This is something of Hollywood movies and rarely happens for real without a lot of give and take and compromise.
Just be pleased and very proud that you have raised a son that can be independent enough to strike out to make his own life and accept the girl he loves may not be your choice, but is his.