MOTHER & SON RELATIONSHIPS

Be guided by the therapist at the session.

Good luck

10 years ago, our only son married a girl who was 6 years older than him, and acquired 2 stepdaughters. They have since had a daughter of their own. My DIL is very distant from us, if we visit she stays upstairs with a headache (funny how they appear when we go to them). We arrange to meet them at a local restaurant and only son and granddaughter arrive.
It really makes me and OH feel very uncomfortable. Son gave up working to look after daughter while she was at uni for 3 years, she is now a qualified nurse and has a good job, but means son is still a househusband ( which to be fair he enjoys ). As the saying goes it takes all sorts to make the world go round......or something like that !!

My very wise MiL told me long after we were married that she had vowed to love whoever her precious only son chose to marry because she couldn’t afford not to. Something to think about?

What do you want most, a good relationship with your son, or your own way?

I am sure you know that if you truly want the former then you have to let him lead his own life, without interference, even if that means being pushed into a breakdown. Heartbreaking though this may be for you.

Going to family counselling may help you and the rest of the family, but you would be unwise to then use it as a rod to beat him with. It doesn't matter how many people agree with you - it is his life.

Let your son and the woman he loves get on with their lives do you need to be so involved? They lived with you two years and that was kind to give them a start but it sounds as if you are over protecting this son and you think the girlfriend is pushing him too much but that might be what he needs your son has now distanced himself so perhaps he thinks there’s too much interference going on as well
You’re miffed because he’s left the family business and the close knit unit you think you should still have and you blame her for ‘taking him away and pushing him into a different form of work’
Let them live and breathe for themselves if it all goes pear shaped he will have learnt a vital lesson if not you may have learnt you can’t control an adult child’s life
I have no understanding why you are all going for counselling (except the two people who are involved sounds like a family ganging up to control the prodigal son)

I was a daughter-in-law entering into a family business, where it seemed nobody talked about anything else, and I was always on the outside. I think the situation was saved by my very astute father in law, who I always got on very well with.

Forty years plus years later, I have three children working in the same business, and it’s mostly what they talk about all the time, both girls are in relationships, but their partners are not involved, our son is single, but if he marries, I’ll worry that however much we try to make her welcome, she’ll feel excluded

If ever there was a case for a son to go no contact with his whole family, I think this must it. It all sounds so suffocating.

Are you really going to "family therapy" with your adult children?! How odd.

Take a step back and let go.

Your son is an adult now. You need to stay out of his choices.

You don't need to like his intended, but you do at least need to be civil towards her, if only for the sake of your son. Unless you raised him to be completely helpless, which I doubt, he is capable of making his own decisions. They aren't married yet and by the sounds of it there aren't any children, so if he is not happy, he has little that ties him to her.

His relationships to his siblings are not really any of your business either if they are adults.

maybe she thought YOU were controlling him.Living together and working together isn't always a great start for a new relationship so maybe think about that.
Maybe your other children and their partners are happy to live in that kind of situation but she didn't like others being in charge of her and their lives .
He IS an adult so he must make his own choices whether or not its OK with you .Take a step back and let them get on with their life their way and she might come round and you can be close to your son again ,but dont try to come between them or you'll be the one who loses .

My sincere sympathy, my family are very good but my brother has 4 nightmare sons who seem to get everything wrong.
His approach is let them do their own thing and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong, they are still his sons. He and his wife have long since given up trying to influence them, they get on with their own lives. Leaving the younger generation to get on with theirs.

My brother's relationship with mum went to pot as soon as he was married. Mum could see what was happening. They divorced after 27 years----after mum had died, though she wouldn't have been surprised.
The one son that they had has nothing to do with his dad ( my brother )

Yes I agree with mcim, the therapy sounds a great idea. All I can say is don't give up on your son. It speaks volumes that she couldn't get on with her own mother and she also sounds very controlling.

My son married a horrible controlling woman but we have managed to stay friends through thick and thin. After 24 years he is divorced, still friends with her and I get on much better with her now that she is divorced.

I agree with mcem 100%. As mum of two now middle-aged sons, I'm lucky enough to have had great friendships with both DiLs. Though now one of them is divorced from DS1, I'm still on very friendly terms with her.
You have been extremely unlucky with your son's fiancée. She doesn't sound the sort of woman I'd d want for a friend, far less a DiL. I do hope the family therapy helps you all to work out your differences. It would be terrible to lose your son to a disastrous relationship. Fingers crossed for you.

Whatever you feel, however you feel, just except the girl/woman your son has chosen. Believe me nothing good will come out of questioning, arguing or indeed anything else. The fact that you have already had such upset and heartache tells you all you need to know. Sorry, but I am trying to save you anymore grief. The sooner you accept and find ways around the situation the better for you. You either put up and shut up or risk being estranged from this son. Please do not go there, do not test it out. You can work around and accept. There will be grandchildren you will want to see and love, There is only acceptance if you want this, Stay strong, keep your family together.

First, never utter or read/believe the awful saying that appears here whenever there is friction between mother and Dil!
You know the one "A daughter's a daughter for all of her life,
A son is a son ...............etc"

I haven't experienced your situation but do congratulate you on taking steps to help the whole family. Good luck!

g steps