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Feeling useless

(4 Posts)
Jeannie59 Thu 26-Sep-19 17:44:24

Hi gransnetters
Please can someone help me.
There are 6 of us growup adults myself aged 63 years, my sister who is 15 months younger, and 4 brothers all younger
Our father is 84 we,lost our mum 33 years ago. Is now in hospital and has been for 6 weeks, he originally went in for a Chronic kidney injury and now has had 13 strokes, 3 of which are In the brain stem
My sister is a nurse and she speaks to me in a very factual way, and I feel I cant do anything right, know fact this has gone on all our lives.
She has always been very close to our dad and my brothers, as I left home at 19 travelling with my then soldier husband and she was then the big sister and helped them with our mums problems, as she was alcoholic.
Now our father is ill I feel so bloody useless and everything I do or say is wrong.
I feel like a little girl around her and am on edge with her and her husband. Who I had a fall out with in Nov last year.
I know this this is stressful for all of us, as it has been 6 weeks now and not su
re how long it is going to go on for
I feel so bloody useless in front of her and cry everytime I leave the hospital
How do we tackle someone who is always in charge and gives no room for any empathy towards me ?

gillybob Thu 26-Sep-19 17:55:56

Hi Jeanie59

I am sorry to hear that your father is very poorly . I think there are several issues here .

Firstly you say your sister was very close to your father as you went travelling when you were younger . I think maybe she is just being over protective of him but that does not give her the right to talk down to you . You are his daughter too . Secondly because she is a nurse she is trying to talk to you as though she knows it all and you know nothing which she has no right to do . Was she a specialist stroke nurse?

She has no right whatsoever to make you feel useless or upset you as she is doing . I think you need to remind her that he is father to both of you and you will not be talked down to, by her or anyone . Tell her if you want information about your fathers health you will speak to one of his nurses or doctors. Don’t let this bossy boots upset you any longer . Try and Stay strong .

Best wishes xx

Riverwalk Thu 26-Sep-19 18:00:13

As your sister is a nurse, and your father is very ill, why should she not speak to you in a 'factual' way. It sounds like the two of you are not close so any talking isn't going to be sentimental and gushy is it?

She sounds like a good person to me - at the age of 18 she had to look out for four younger brothers which can't have been easy with an alcoholic mother.

Based on what you say, I don't know why do you need to 'tackle' her?

Hetty58 Thu 26-Sep-19 18:19:46

Jeannie59, she sounds just like my sister who took charge (and took over) completely with our mother in her final year. I know she was Mum's favourite but, honestly, it was as if Mum 'belonged' to her. She took all the important decisions, cast scorn and ridicule on any/all of my suggestions and simply wouldn't compromise.

She made me feel equally useless. I was told when to visit, what to do and buy, even what to say etc. (Of course, I didn't follow instructions.) She was desperately trying to control things. Her arrangements didn't go well. I decided not to confront or challenge her (just express despair at how things were going) as she wasn't going to be swerved at all and we haven't completely fallen out. We're on speaking terms but I've lost all respect and view her as a spoilt, selfish and immature person.

Now, if she mentions Mum at all, I just say that I prefer not to even think about her - as I'm reminded of how sad and upsetting her last year was.