Back to square one

My grandaughter (who is now nine) has never liked cuddles with anyone except her mum & partner. I have always respected this and, whilst I find it disappointing, I have always felt that she is entitled to say no. I am appalled that your baby's grandma is so unaware. Babys needs come first. Always. You may have to explain this to her.

I think the post Hithere Tue 01-Oct-19 03:59:28 is one of the worst posts I have even seen on Gransnet.

I agree with this - maybe she was just trying to show everyone how close she is to your son. Sadly her 'showing off' backfired on her.

Agree with you Gonegirl a shocking, nasty post

Some people have very weird ideas of personal space and boundaries.
We have all come across people who lean on you in a queue or rest their hand on yours if you are holding a handrail. It is just odd and if you say 'can you stop leaning on me' they look as if you have just slapped them.
I think it is the only way though. If someone uses you as a prop for your game, you have to either put up with it or turn around and say 'would you mind not doing that' in a firm voice. It doesn't matter if people think you are being a party pooper. People who ignore the boundaries that they should have learnt in childhood, need to be spoken to as a child.
It is telling that she does not want to see him on his own but she may, frankly, have been through the new grandchild phase enough times already and not be particularly maternal.
If you don't want to confront her at the time she does it, then you have to either ignore it or not attend events she is going to be at which seems unfortunate as you do otherwise like her and her grandchild does have a right to get to know her.

Seems she may have been trying to impress others at the party to show how much she basically lives your DS. Perhaps a word before the next event highlighting how you had to leave early to calm DS and that you don't want to be having to do that again.

completely disagree with gonegirl and fizzers. mum's job to protect son from anyone invading his space, bestowing unwanted physical contact, however intended. we grans may have grown up with no 'rights', but the world is, rightly, a little more understanding now. how else may little one learn to trust people, if they won't respect his needs?

pnwmama, you need to be assertive and just tell MIL what you want her to do and how to interact. Then remind her when necessary. She won't be offended if you put it nicely and you're warm towards her. I have six grandchildren and I really can't keep up with which phases each of them is going through!

*Gonegirl why

Hithere i agree if you dont stand up to mil now you will have problems for avery long time.
Gonegirl tou are very wrong

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My thoughts are exactly like KatyK. Maybe she felt she had to show how good a grandma she was, and completely blew it. I sincerely hope this is all it was and she will revert to her original way of acting with your son, for all your sakes.

I would also detangle myself financially from her.
What is the reason why you are renting from her?
If she gets mad at you, for not getting what she wants it or whatever reason, she can use her landlady status against you and your nuclear family.

You sound a great Mum. Really aware of your little boy and his needs. Many people are sensitive to too much sensory or social stimulus and it can be overwhelming, distressing and painful for them. As he enjoys social and physical contact in an environment that is not too busy and at his own pace, it is likely that that this is a stage for him as for many children but the world is full of people wired in different neurological ways and there is nothing wrong with that. You have also been very caring and thoughtful towards your MiL and her needs to have a fulfilling relationship with him. Paradoxically she may also find the same sort of environments stressful and may drink or overact to cope. However your first responsibility is to your little boy. You are doing well. You can continue to explain to her. You can’t necessarily change her though. You are right to be assertive and firm with her at parties if she continues to act out. However strict penalties and threats might lead to huge family disruptions which could be very painful for everyone, especially your husband. It doesn’t sound as if you have any intention of going down that road though. Of course you are frustrated and angry with her. That is natural. But perhaps venting here helps. I hope it will work out. it has every chance to do so with someone as thoughtful and sensible as you. Good luck.

So many of these posts are really harsh re MIL - have we forgotten there are 2 sides to the story here. the mum seems really upset true- but is she over reacting? The MIL is probably at a loss given she has other grandchildren who haven't reacted this way. It doesn't say how old granny is but yes its difficult to change- its also hard when you know your DIL is watching you all the time. Sorry i have less sympathy for mum- if she really loves MIL ( as she says) then she will take time with her, not hide behind her husband to tell his mother off! Strange that it took a few posts about MIL after the first one that some other complaints about her came out! Sounds like MIL and DIL issues yet again !!

You may find your little boy will grow out of it in time. My grandson was very sensitive as a young baby and would scream when my son brought him to our house. He would also cry when my son and DIL took him to friends house and he didn’t like being touched.
Eventually when he was about 3, he would allow us to give him a quick kiss and he eventually would offer a high five at the end of a visit but wouldn’t hug. Even now at five, he can be ‘funny’ with us depending on his mood. He sees a lot of the other grandparents and he is very tactile with my dil’s mother, but then in company, she has always picked him up and carried him round with her thereby excluding anyone else interacting with him. I find it hurtful at times but I don’t say anything. We have had problems with our DIL from the word go but see little of her these days and it suits us.
You do realise that your little boy might be picking up on negative vibes from you and that could contribute to his reaction to your MIL. Perhaps stay the minimum time at the next party you attend? Good luck

Your mil was playing grandmother of the year in a public event - all for show

Really? You know that do you? You can be certain she wasn't just an overexcited adoring granny?

give your MIL a warning to stop harassing your son

Again, really?!!

Put her on a timeout and stop any visits till she is able to apologize and see what she is doing wrong.

Milk of human kindness there.

If she misses his birthday, Christmas, etc - her own fault.

Bring on the estrangement - why not?

Wake up your mamma bear and protect your son.

Where did you even get that ridiculous phrase?

That in reply to NannyC1 Tue 01-Oct-19 11:21:26

*Gonegirl why

This is another thread of over-aged ex Mumsnetters howling for the blood of every non-line-towing mum and mother-in-law.

The OP is genuinely asking for advice. I mean, it is likely to turn into a post of.... etc etc

At the next party get in quick with his interaction with MiL before she gets at the Prosecco and the party gets into full swing. Keep it brief -and then avoid her. Perhaps your DH or a friend could position themselves between her and your son?

Until he gets older and more confident, enjoy the fact that your MiL doesn’t feel the need to see him very often. She sounds like quite a loud, in-your-face fun sort of person?

Gonegirl

"Your mil was playing grandmother of the year in a public event - all for show

Really? You know that do you? You can be certain she wasn't just an overexcited adoring granny?"
An overexicited granny is an adult who is technically able to regulate her own emotions.
The child cannot yet. He is not supposed to. He is a child.
Adoring grannies are sensitive to other people's needs. This granny isn't

"give your MIL a warning to stop harassing your son

Again, really?!!"
Yes, talking to her has no worked as mil is doing what she has been told what NOT to do.
What would you suggest then?

"Put her on a timeout and stop any visits till she is able to apologize and see what she is doing wrong.

Milk of human kindness there."
Yes, children come first. I am being kind to the child

"If she misses his birthday, Christmas, etc - her own fault.

Bring on the estrangement - why not?"
It is not estrangement, it is protecting an innocent child and giving mil consequences for her overstepping the boundaries. I do not advocate to sacrifice the child's happiness for mil's.
His birthday? He will remember MIL annoying him.
Xmas? MIL on his face again.
Easter? He cannot pick up the eggs because MIL's overbearing behaviour pushed him to a tantrum.
Way to go grandma! (Sarcasm)

"Wake up your mamma bear and protect your son.

Where did you even get that ridiculous phrase?"

From a person with different priorities than yours, my kids are first, I am their protector.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your post was rather poorly set out, so I haven't replied to the individual comments. Purely because I didn't see them. And because I cba.

Gonegirl

We can agree to disagree.
There is no need for veiled personal attacks.
What you think of me is not important to the OP.