What would you do ?

Thanks to everyone for very helpful replies. Much appreciated.

We had an intense debate in family about this some time ago. There are some really good resources out there, many for children bereaved by cancer.

Parents will know how their children will respond but soft preparation might be better, starting in general terms, so it is not so much of a shock if they do take it in.

I think it is the view these days that children should be prepared, and if they want to say goodbye, then let them because it helps them come to terms with the loss, There has been much research into this, and this site has good advice:
www.cclg.org.uk/bereavement/childrens-ideas-and-understanding-of-death

Just say he or she has died. You might also add, so you feel sad.

Maybe the children could express how they feel with paper and paint, or a pretending game with toy animals or dollies.

The children's parents should be ones to decide but you could help by taking lots of photos of your dgc with other grandparents. So they can look back when they are older.

Answering your question: what would you do?

Support your dd and sil in any way they need. They know their children the best and they can handle this.

How close are you to sil's parents?

Firstly, I am terribly sorry, what a sad, sad situation for all.

M0nica makes a really valid point though. My best friend lost her lovely partner and the love of her life in a tragic accident when their daughter was two and a half years old. My best friend has been a brilliant parent to her child but it did really impact on her daughter who became very anxious about the possibility of Mummy ‘going away’. There are some wonderful charities who provide grief counselling for children, ring up and ask their advice about the best way to deal with this and help the children and wider family to support each other through this very difficult time. I am sure they’ll be able to provide some good advice. If you don’t know where to look, private message me and I will help you to find out what’s available in your area. Wishing you all the best.

Take advice from the Child Bereavement association. Also if you have a local hospice they are likely to provide child bereavement advice and may have a service with counsellors to offer support. I think one should never ever lie to children or try to cover up. They are perceptive but also can misinterpret things if they are not explained. Be honest "Grandad is coming to the end of his long and happy life and it is time.e for us to say goodbye now" "We wont be able to see him but we will always have happy memories" And then talk about grandad after he has died , keep those happy memories for and with them. Allow them to see and to feel sadness, if that is what happens ..death is a fact of life and grief and loss are a fact of life. Children can be gently prepared for that

Just to add to all the wise words. I was 5 when I lost my lovely granddad who died unexpectedly aged 69. My father died suddenly 3 months later. I do not think it upset me too much at the time. I seem to remember that I thought they might come back as I didn’t understand the finality of death. By the time I was old enough to know better time had passed.
Your grandchildren are so young that they are very likely to be able to accept it quite well as long as too much fuss is not made.

Hi, I was introduced to Gransnet by a friend recently so thought I would join. I live in Teesside and have 2 adult children son and daughter both abroad, my daughter is married and has my first grandchild and expecting her 2nd. It’s lovely to FaceTime with them. Just wondering if there are any other grans in the same position. I used to use Streetlife and found it a great way to find others with similar interests. I love to craft and have taken up painting since retiring

Lindey, I'm so sorry to hear of this sad situation. Earlier this year I lost my beloved Mum at a great age. She was much loved by us all including my eight grandchildren who ranged in age from 10 to just a few months. Their reactions were diverse, from deep sadness to plain comical. They accepted Mum's death but were initially troubled by everyone's expression of grief - something which cannot and should not be concealed. Their questions were answered honestly and their compassion and perception was both comforting and heartrending. They all attended her funeral and we speak of her often. I do hope this helps xx

The way I handled it with my the 3 year old and 5 year old was to pre empt the situation by telling them both that grandma was very poorly although at times possibly didn’t look so, they were both very close to her. They visited in hospital and were kept as involved as possible in an age appropriate way. When she died they were of course sad, who wouldn’t be but they understood and dealt with how they felt. They attended the funeral too.
On the flip side one of my daughters friends was kept in the dark about the diagnosis, hospital and even death until a few days after her grandmother has passed.

Guess which child(ren) coped better.

What a sad situation - poor, poor people to have to face both dying - and how sad for the families too. Madmaggie's idea of a video is excellent- nothing is going to make this heartbreaking situation easy, but later you will probably all be glad to see them on film. I hope life unfolds peacefully over the coming months .

Lindey so sorry for the dilemma you're facing. Everyone else has given good advice. May I suggest you take videos of your grandchildren interacting with their grandparents (both set's) and photos too so that they will have them to look back on & hear their voices too. Now is the time for the family to reminisce. My grandmother died when I was a toddler and I only have two photos of her.

I have always believed that you should never lie to children and the very thought of concealing the fact that granddad has died until after grandma dies appals me.

Small children have no conception of death, so however you explain the fact that grandpa has died, when the time comes, the three year old will ask about him forgetting or actually not comprehending that he won't see him again.

The younger child won't remember that there used to be two granddads.

However the family chooses to explain death to small children, please do make sure that you and the children's parents explain things in the same way.

It is not helpful if one party says granddad has died and gone to heaven to be with God and the other says that granddad has died and there is nothing after death.

They are pretty little and will probably handle it a lot better than we would. I would be more concerned with your son in law and helping him. So sorry for your loss.

I only had one grandma who i remember with love but have no photo of us together. Perhaps it was because we didn’t take as many as we can now. Your grandchildren are very young but maybe take some family photos which may help the 3 year old at least remember them better.
It is very sad, especially as both grandparents are still young, but because of their age the adults will feel that loss more than the children, and by talking about them often will keep them an important part of the family. I wish you all strength in the weeks and months ahead.

I agree totally with everyone else who has said how resilient children are. I think you are projecting your own feelings of shock, sorrow and impending loss onto your grandchildren. They really are too young to react the way you would do. Like Oopsminty my grandmother died when I was about 6 and, although I remember being told about it, I just accepted the fact and got on with my life ... no emotional scars, although I remember her fondly so she was not forgotten.

Your grandchildren are much younger so stop worrying about them, as I think maybe it is you that needs the support to get over this impending loss.

Badgers parting gift book is very good, may be a bit old for them. Just be prepared for random questions. Like will they need their braces in heaven so their trousers don’t fall down! Children can also be very blunt and matter of fact, which can be upsetting but they don’t mean it. Xxx

My daughter was 2 years old when my Dad died. She asked after him a few times. Six months later she spotted an elderly gentleman passing the window who visited sometimes. She was frantic to get out of the door to see him. When he came in she said - oh grandad, where have you been - climbed on his lap and rattled away to him with all things she had been doing. Ever after that he was 'grandad' No one can understand a small child's mind, they work it out for themselves.

Don't forget children experience the world in a very different way than adults. I recall myself thinking if I ran I could turn into a horse for example!

The younger one is a baby, the elder is still very very young. I am sorry for you and your families going through this but I wouldn't be burdening the children. Simple, factual information and no hiding of emotion.

If you tell them that ‘ they have gone on holiday ‘ & then the don’t come back you risk leaving them with the association that holidays are something people don’t come back from & thereby creating a fear of holidays & separation .

I honestly don’t know what would be best to do. Perhaps children nowadays are further forward than in my day. I was born in November 1952. 3 of my grandparents died in November 1955, December 1956 and February 1957, so I was 3 and 4. I can remember my maternal grandmother being ill in bed and “helping” to carry lunch to her. But they all just disappeared from my life. I don’t think I was told as I can’t remember that and I certainly wasn’t traumatised by it. When I was older I did wish I still had them as I’d have loved to have conversations with them. I don’t think these kind of things were spoken about and children were sheltered from bad news. I was 21 when my remaining grandfather passed away at 84 and I was devastated. I think that as long as they still have mummy and daddy, they are happy. Shame my mum isn’t still around to ask what she did for me and indeed did I need anything done!

Some very good advise already given. But I would just like to add that a close relative in our family was terminally ill and given months to live and that was a year ago and there still here, so they may live longer than you think. So I’d suggest waiting as telling children now will confuse them if there Grand parents are still alive in 6 months time. Then you would have explained all that to them just to do it again when it finally happens.

Lindey You have my deepest sympathy for what you will be experiencing .If you have religious beliefs then may I suggest you seek guidance from those best qualified to do this.

This is an excellent book to share - also a Utube video.
youtu.be/tRTRABhJTbo