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Am I being over sensitive

(48 Posts)
Lizzle10 Fri 25-Oct-19 09:22:00

Four years ago my marriage ended it had been a hard 30yrs many outside factors added to our problems . I decided I’d had enough the children were grown up living their lives so I left . I moved away to stay with a friend and eventually met someone new , my daughter visits regularly but if I want to see my son I have to travel back home and stay in a hotel to meet up . The kids still live in the family home with their father so I can’t go there to see them . I get back as much I as I can but it’s an expensive trip . My son and his girl friend are expecting their first child and he’s buying a house for them , I’m super excited at the prospect of my first grandchild and it will be lovely I can stay with them when I visit . When I was speaking to my son a few weeks ago he seemed very awkward and said you know I want you there when the baby is born but the girlfriend has said I can come and see the baby when it’s born but I can’t stay I have to leave as she wants 2 weeks on her own to bond . I totally understand they don’t want me hanging around at their special time and I certainly didn’t intended to visit and impose for more than a night but I did I admit get a little upset . Living 150 miles away I can’t be sure when I’ll get there I may miss the baby being born or I could be hanging around for hours or I may have to come the following day . The way it was worded I could see the baby then leave maybe I’m taking it all wrong but both my daughter and partner are furious .

grapefruitpip Fri 25-Oct-19 09:25:18

Is the break up of the marriage and your move connected with this?

With all due respect to the Mum to be, I don't think anybody really knows how childbirth and the first few days will be.

Why do you need to be there for the baby being born?

Luckygirl Fri 25-Oct-19 09:30:33

You will see the baby for sure - maybe it might help if you were a bit more flexible as to when. I know it seems a pain to travel all that way just to see the baby and then travel back - but maybe this is what you need to do.

This whole 2 weeks of bonding thing is all the rage and I do not think it is anything personal. I am sorry this upset you; but all you can do is go with the flow.

Fiachna50 Fri 25-Oct-19 09:33:08

A new mother who has just brought home her infant has enough to contend with. Even if you are the gran you need to go by what the couple want. Suggest you stay in a B&B and visit when it is convenient for them. This may seem a bit harsh, but I can remember when my first was born and I never seemed to get a minutes peace to be on my own with baby. I go by what the couple wants, whether inconvenient to myself or not. You seem to have assumed you will stay with them. Have you been asked to stay? I never assume to stay with anyone. As it is I prefer a hotel and hate staying with anyone.

J52 Fri 25-Oct-19 09:45:01

I don’t think it personal, but at the same time I don’t understand the need to be at the birth. Maybe I’ve read your intentions wrongly.
I’d wait until labour has started and then make my travelling plans and book into a B&B nearby for a couple of nights.
Being in a house with a very newborn would not be my idea of a peaceful time.
Congratulations on becoming a Granny, they’ll be plenty of wonderful experiences ahead.

PernillaVanilla Fri 25-Oct-19 09:45:15

Have a look at some threads on Mumsnet if you are struggling to understand it, it does seem to be the current thing for there to be no visitors for a week or two following the birth, and woe betide any MiL who does not comply.

I can understand it really, when my DS1 was born I invited my mother for a week and she drove me up the wall, constantly telling me I had to comply with the draconian requirements of the visiting Midwife, giving me no peace to rest, and creating a situation where DH retreated to his shed when I really wanted him with me most of the time. My mother was a lovely person but in these circumstances it was never going to work.

FlexibleFriend Fri 25-Oct-19 09:45:39

It's pretty common these days for the new parents to want to spend the first couple of weeks with no visitors. what difference does it make if you see the little one on the day of their birth or a month later in all honesty? Why do so many Grannies think they need to be present at the birth? I really don't get it and I have an 8 month old Grandson, they live with me but my involvement in their lives is minimal.

MawB Fri 25-Oct-19 09:55:06

I would resist the temptation to be over-sensitive.
Yes, at the moment, your son genuinely feels he would like you around to share in their joy, but I think “mum” is being more realistic!
Who is to say exactly when the baby will arrive, so there is no need to be there for the event, but for what it is worth I would suggest you ask to make a flying visit (no longer than an hour) maybe in hospital, depending on the labour and how long they are in , or alternatively at home within the first week to deliver whatever baby presents you have prepared and then leave them strictly alone for his paternity leave.
Yes it is a long way but trust those of us who have been around!
You can endear yourself to them by buying something like a Cook! Voucher for their excellent ready meals (which can be cooked straight from the freezer) but, sadly for you, holding back and waiting to be asked.
It’ll be fine, but your tact and diplomacy will help the future relationship.

BradfordLass72 Fri 25-Oct-19 09:55:17

I think maybe he didn't quite mean 'at the actual birth' - but 'when it's born' meaning shortly afterwards.

Its for the new mother to decide - you don't lose out at all by allowing them to bond and get used to being parents.
It'll still be your new, adorable grand-child even if you have to wait two weeks.

Moreover, by conforming to their wishes you earn lots of 'granny points' an prove you are not going to be a gran who wants to take over (which clearly you do not but the gf may not know that).

So many congratulations, nearly-new Grandma and I hope you have a great visit with this new little family. flowers

PS: from your history stated above, it's wonderful that your son does want you to see your grandchild, so many sons would deny this relationship - as we know only too well from GN.

And why on earth is your daughter and partner furious? Her brother is being very fair to all concerned.

MawB Fri 25-Oct-19 09:55:52

PS grannies do not belong in the delivery room.
I cannot think of anything worse!

mosaicwarts Fri 25-Oct-19 09:55:55

Congratulations on being a grandmother soon! Gransnet is great, it's certainly keeping me up to date, I didn't know young people nowadays wanted this 'bonding time'.

Dillyduck Fri 25-Oct-19 10:02:21

Don't be so pushy. When my babies were born, I just wanted a couple of weeks on my own.
I never like anyone staying in my house, it just adds extra work.

Why don't you find somewhere near them that does bed and breakfast, tell them you're desperate to see the baby, but DON'T WANT TO IMPOSE. Take the baby a gift, and one for mum, something smelly to make her feel lovely again after the trial of birth. If you will be driving, why not make a casserole to take them, make a cake or similar, as cooking won't be her priority! That would be a really good start to being a granny the family look forward to seeing.

Purpledaffodil Fri 25-Oct-19 10:09:54

I’m sure it’s not personal but a current trend called a “baby moon” . And I do agree with keeping away from the labour ward. I would never have wanted my mil to be there. Would you?

luluaugust Fri 25-Oct-19 10:16:49

I agree with Dillyduck you can be there just not stay, you say you usually stay in a hotel anyway. Book just after the baby is born. If the GF has her own mother around don't be surprised if the arrangements with her are slightly different! Enjoy being a gran but keep it light.

Craicon Fri 25-Oct-19 10:23:55

Yes, you are being far too sensitive. Your son’s girlfriend should set the expectations regarding visiting etc. and you should accept them with good grace, if you want to maintain a cordial relationship with her. I think visiting as soon as the baby’s born is intrusive. If she has a c-section or long labour, she’ll be feeling shattered and won’t want a comparative stranger hanging around.

I live abroad so travelled back to see the grandson when he 4 weeks old. We stayed in a nearby hotel and just visited daily for about 4 days.

Your daughter and your partner need to pipe down and stop being ridiculous. You are not the girlfriend’s mum and realistically, she probably knows you as well as her next door neighbour.

In the meantime, you can get your son to post lots of pics and short videos via WhatsApp or similar to keep you informed.

DoraMarr Fri 25-Oct-19 11:43:18

Don’t listen to your daughter and partner- they are just fanning the flames when you seem to be, actually, a very kind and sensitive person. You will be able to see the new baby via photos and, perhaps, FaceTime, so go along with their wishes, keep in touch with your son for the first two weeks, but leave it until the baby is two or three weeks old before you visit. I know that seems hard, but, as someone said upthread, you will be gaining lots of grandmother brownie points. Also, by two or three weeks your daughter in law will be feeling more confident and, perhaps, less tired and emotional, so your visit will be much welcomed. I would stay in a hotel nearby, too, to give them some space, and be guided by your son when are the best times to visit.
Congratulations- I hope all goes well.

lemongrove Fri 25-Oct-19 11:50:04

Don’t worry about not being there for the baby’s birth, go to see him/her when they tell you that he has been born, or a day or so later.Possibly the girl will only want her own mother there at the time ( understandable.)You will still have a loving relationship with your grandchild.

Eglantine21 Fri 25-Oct-19 11:59:12

I would definitely stay in a hotel when I went to visit. Imagine having a new baby and you mother in law staying, just after you’ve given birth😱!

See the baby and leave sounds reasonable enough to me. What exactly do you think you would be doing with the baby if you stayed?

Lizzle10 Fri 25-Oct-19 13:32:30

Sorry I probs my didn’t word that well I’m not going to be at the birth - I wouldn’t want to be . They want me to be there to see baby as soon as possible after the birth .

MawB Fri 25-Oct-19 13:38:20

What they say now (or at least what your son says) is not necessarily how they will feel (especially “mum”) after her first labour.
Given that you are unlikely to know exactly when S/he will be born it only makes sense to wait and then arrange a flying visit.
Please listen to those of us who have “been there” !

pinkquartz Fri 25-Oct-19 13:43:16

This new idea of a babymoon seem stupid to me!

This is not personal to the OP but it is a current trend.

why would you need a fortnight to yourselves?
I was ill in hospital after my DD was born and was so glad to see friends and family.
My DD has had six babies and I have seen all of them within a few days. I can't see what is gained from 2 weeks alone.

My DD has not wanted time alone, she was always happy to show baby to me, her Dad and anyone else!
In fact he last baby came before the ambulance and her Dad had to deliver baby.

I hope OP that you enjoy being a Gran and will see your DGC as soon as you are allowed. I hope they come to their senses and drop this idea.

Hetty58 Fri 25-Oct-19 13:54:49

Yes, you are being over-sensitive! Perhaps you feel a bit rejected. There's no need to be there for the birth. I'm not surprised that they don't want house guests at this important family bonding time. Surely, you can wait a couple of weeks to meet your grandchild? Even then, I'd suggest that you book into a nearby hotel for a couple of days. Resist the urge to stay too long, just a couple of hours at a time is long enough.

Lizzle10 Fri 25-Oct-19 14:08:17

Hetty 58 I have no intention of being at the birth , it was my sibs suggestion that I’m there ASAP not mine . I guess I was just surprised at this 2 weeks alone time I couldn’t wait for my family to see the baby and was glad of all their help .
Thank you pink quartz I will very much enjoy being a gran we have always been a very close knit family which is why I was maybe taken a back by this

Lizzle10 Fri 25-Oct-19 14:08:42

*sons

Hetty58 Fri 25-Oct-19 14:26:08

Oh I see, Lizzie! You may be a close knit family (we are too) but perhaps your son's girlfriend comes from a different background. I still think she's sensible to want two weeks alone with the new baby, though.