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Fairs fair...but what is fair?

(13 Posts)
bytheway Wed 13-Nov-19 20:28:40

About 10 years ago we decided (and told) our 4 adult children that we would not be buying them xmas presents anymore (other than a token bottle wine/chocs) and that we did not expect anything from them either.

The reason being that we all had plenty of money (i mean all working really) and could buy ourselves whatever we wanted and it saved all that stress at xmas.

We would however buy for grandchildren when they came along. Everyone was fine with this.

Fast forward 10 years and my husbands 3 children have 8 children (gc to us) between them, we set an amount and for the last 7 years, since the first gc came, we have spent the same amount on each gc.

As you can imagine this tots up to a fair amount, there being 8 of them. However, my daughter does not have any children and I can't help but think this a little unfair that we spend so much on his GC but nothing on my daughter, her having no children of our own. She is not in a well paid job and has never been in a solid relationship though i hope that will come in the future. I guess i feel sorry for her especially as she is my only child.

I don't know why but this is starting to grate on me. I spoke to OH about this and he suggested that we now give a specified cash amount to each of our 4 children as a gift to each of their family each child will receive the same (including my daughter) and spend as they wish on their families.

The question is AIBU to feel like this, is this fair?, I'm starting to wonder if i was being petty.

sodapop Wed 13-Nov-19 20:33:34

No I don't think its petty at all bytheway and it seems you have come up with a sensible solution. I think its completely fair.

Greenfinch Wed 13-Nov-19 20:36:48

What a sensible OH. Do this and stop worrying.

SueDonim Wed 13-Nov-19 20:48:17

I think that's very fair, too.

Bathsheba Wed 13-Nov-19 20:54:53

I completely understand how you feel - and I'm sure you would have felt exactly the same if it had been one of your husband's children who was childless and not as well off as the others.

Your solution is a very fair and sensible one and you're lucky to have a husband who is so understanding and in agreement with you.

cornergran Wed 13-Nov-19 21:30:14

Good solution, so time to stop giving yourself a hard time. Relax and enjoy Christmas. It’s a very fair outcome.

M0nica Wed 13-Nov-19 21:40:53

We have a similar problem in that DS has children. DD is happily single.

In our case DD sorted the problem that we had not even thought about, and told us that in being even handed between our two children, any grandchildren were a separate unit and did not come into the balance.

So that is what we do.

chocolatepudding Thu 14-Nov-19 18:53:59

I think that is a very fair idea.

This is a different idea:- My MIL had 2 sons - my DH is her DS1.

After MIL was widowed she started giving her DS1 and me a small gift and a cheque for £20 for our birthdays and Christmas. Thank you very much Mum
After about 12 years we found out that DS2 received cheques for his birthday and Christmas for £1000. This went on for 20 years.


Calendargirl Thu 14-Nov-19 18:59:36


No, that doesn’t seem fair. Did she feel that DS2 needed the extra money, not earning as much as DS1 maybe?

Rather a large difference though.

chocolatepudding Thu 14-Nov-19 19:08:11

As you say rather a large difference.

Both boys went to the same schools but DS1 was sponsored through University by a household name where he worked for several years. DS2 went to University paid for by parents and had professional qualifications too.

As you can guess DS2 was the favourite - the golden child that could do no wrong - he is so talented!! (at what? I longed to ask)

When MIL was terminally ill you can guess who did all the care and running around for her. I can't change things but I feel used.

Calendargirl Thu 14-Nov-19 19:41:01


I can well imagine you feel used, but take pride in knowing despite it all you were the better person.

jeanie99 Thu 14-Nov-19 19:51:33

I would give my daughter the same amount as I would give to my son for Christmas.
What they do with this is up to them.
Both my son and daughter are treated equal there is no other way.

SpringyChicken Thu 14-Nov-19 21:31:36

I would balance things up and give to your daughter too, Bytheway. It doesn't have to be at Christmas time so you could truthfully answer that you only give to the young ones if anyone asks (which they probably won't). But she's your only chick and your feelings are natural. The present situation seems one sided and the cash could make a real difference to her.