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concerns over grand-children.

(17 Posts)
3nanny6 Thu 14-Nov-19 13:56:01

I am getting stressed as single daughter recently moved into new house with the three grand-children. Sadly daughter has anxiety and panic dis-order and sometimes can be chaotic.
I have helped getting new furniture and just by being there for emotional support. Things were coming together and then suddenly my daughter was getting emotionally overwhelmed and calling me to the house basically for shoulder to cry on.
I got in touch with one of the services that support my daughter and did not tell them to much but they said they were passing her onto childrens services although nothing has come of that. I know this is quite a serious post but I am not sure how to keep supporting my daughter as no other agencies seem to be helping.
The two eldest children only got into a school this week the eldest being 7 years old to cut a long story short I went to my daughters yesterday at 3. p.m. to see the children coming out of school I waited by my daughters house just around the corner from the school and was calling my daughter on her phone to say I was waiting for her when she answered me she was nowhere near the school as she said she had a problem getting her medication and she told me run over to the school and get the children. Everyone knows the schools do not hand over children to anyone at schools these days which is a good thing but as I was down as next of kin etc, I got them. I am so concerned how my daughter is parenting the children and even yesterday I had not made an arrangement to visit her what would she have done if I had not been there? I am trying to keep a brave front on this but it is putting me under too much pressure. Any suggestions.

Kathy1959 Thu 14-Nov-19 15:58:51

Awww bless you, it sounds so stressful. Can I just ask a few things? Do you have support yourself? Husband/ partner? Do you have any other children? Is your health good? It sounds like you’re being the best you can be, but need to have other things in place, in order for you to have a break.

silverlining48 Thu 14-Nov-19 15:59:37

3nanny I am sorry about the situation with your daughter and grandchildren. She seems overwhelmed with everything at present, certainly moving can be very stressful but do understand why you are concerned.
You have been in contact with Social services. I hope things improve, it’s so hard, but all you can do is be there for her and her children which you clearly are.

Ginny42 Thu 14-Nov-19 16:10:59

You do know that the school would take care of the children until either your DD or you arrive to pick them up? You need to make sure they have your contact number too. They may also be able to assist in bringing forward a meeting with SS.

She seems overwhelmed and with three children it can't be easy for her. Thank goodness she has you as her Mum! You don't mention the children's father, so being solely responsible for the three is a huge task for anyone, let alone someone with her anxieties. Bless her and respect to you for caring so much. Can you call on any relatives/close friends to help out until she feels more able to cope?

JenniferEccles Thu 14-Nov-19 16:18:59

Where is the father/ fathers in all this?

Greenfinch Thu 14-Nov-19 16:58:33

Do you live near your daughter? Could you have the children to stay with you sometimes and could you regularly pick them up from school. Any practical support you can offer would be much appreciated if she has mental health problems.

mumofmadboys Thu 14-Nov-19 18:17:09

Well done 3 nanny6 for being such a supportive mum and grandma. Would it help if you agreed to pick up the children alternate days or twice a week?

Tedber Thu 14-Nov-19 18:27:54

As we don’t know exactly which routes you have been down it’s hard knowing how you can continue supporting your daughter? Has she tried the usual one parent support groups? I suppose it depends on what state her mind is at as to whether they would be helpful to her?

Main priority are the children at the moment. Is she a danger to herself or them? Would you be prepared to take them over while she works through her problems? Won’t be easy I know. Do you feel she could help herself more? Is she relying on you to be the other parent? Who does she feel is letting her down?

Lots of important things to consider because with lack of funds, lack of trained social workers, cost of nursery care etc. it is hard on grandparents who want to do their best for grandchildren (and children) but also want to enjoy a well deserved stress free life.

My thoughts are with you all and I hope it works out.

EllanVannin Thu 14-Nov-19 18:54:09

Does your local council have a Family Support Group ?

BlueBelle Thu 14-Nov-19 19:05:10

You don’t sound as if you’re working although I could be wrong and you live near the daughter so could you pick the children up from school until she gets into a routine
Moving is very stressful for everyone and more so for someone suffering anxiety and other mental health problems
She needs stability ( which will come with time) and routine so having you to help set that routine up could be paramount to her success in living on her own with the children

3nanny6 Thu 14-Nov-19 19:40:00

Thank-you for all the kind messages its good to know kind people are here for a bit of advice. Just to mention to Kathy 1959 no the answer is I do not have a partner so basically get on with things myself. I have two other children and the eldest daughter has a full time job but weekends she can have the children for a sleep-over but only every two or three weeks. I have a son who is close in age to daughter with the grand-children however he is not talking to his sister at the moment as he says she could do a lot better as a mother and not be so selfish and keep saying she is ill so I told him then just stop talking as they were having arguments. My own health is okay (to be honest it has to be as I have a lot on my plate) but I have a few long term health problems.
To Greenfinch now my daughter has moved she lives nearer to me and I like that. The children do not sleep at my house because they are a bit afraid of my two dogs but with my daughter near-by I could baby-sit them anytime even pick up the children from school any day although the school is almost right on my daughters doorstep its under five minutes to get to that's why I thought school runs would be so easy for her. I am offering all the support I can and yes she has some mental health problems but she keeps missing her appointments with them and they never chase her up about it. I have been encouraging her to keep the washing up in kitchen done but mostly I just get on and do it myself and also I have been putting all the bin bags of rubbish out for her or else she is oblivious to it and it piles up. however yesterday she told me leave her washing up alone and leave the bin bags that upset me because I want the grand-children to have a clean home and that is partly the reason my son does not want to see her he says she is happy to live in squalor.
I think someone mentioned where is father or fathers well two eldest have same dad he does not do a lot and is not greatly supportive although he lives nearer to her and she told me that she is getting him to help out more (the only thing she might get from him is another baby) do not want to make that sound rude although if she did get pregnant again I would totally stop helping her as she has enough to do at the moment. Dad of youngest child was just a passing ship in the night and in total honesty I was not pleased she got pregnant but he is here now and he is my grand-son so no more to be said about if but or how. The father was quite volatile so he is out of the picture.
Anyway thank-you for all help I suppose things will work themselves out I will do my best to support her although I cannot see any help coming to her for her mental health if she misses her appointments and to insist on her assessment by social workers to find out if she really is safe enough to care for the children is a big step to take as she could try cutting me out of the childrens lives and sometimes it feels
if I am not looking out for them then no-body is
Sorry what a long post.

jeanie99 Thu 14-Nov-19 19:41:56

You are doing a wonderful job in supporting your daughter and GC.
Do you work?
Would you be able to take some of the stress away from your daughter until she settles in by picking up the children.
Three young children are a hand full when you are a single mum and I'm sure she fully appreciates what you do for her.
Is she on medication?
If she is and is forgetting the pick up times from school you could do that for the time being.
The social services may need a prompt, not sure how this works since I have never been in this situation but I would walk on hot coals for my children and GC.
Could you have the children to your home for a break for her and get the information for your daughter that is all you can do.

Greenfinch Thu 14-Nov-19 20:06:26

3nanny6 You are doing an excellent job and I understand exactly where you are coming from. In my experience mental health support leaves a lot to be desired. The emphasis on "care in the community" in practice means the family taking control which can be extremely tiring. You need the support of social services but I totally understand your reticence to contact them. Does your daughter love the children and show them affection ?If so don't worry about the conditions at home unless they are really bad.

Kathy1959 Thu 14-Nov-19 21:08:43

Thank you for your response. It may be good to push Social Services for help. I don’t really know how they operate though. Perhaps you could try talking to your son again, ask for help. I can understand him being cross with his sister, but he needs to be aware that it would be you and his nieces and nephews who would benefit. I still keep thinking that if you’re constantly the glue that holds everything together, it’s bound to affect you sooner or later. I’m sure he wouldn’t want that. It will eventually settle I’m sure, once your daughter is comfortable in her new house. Just take every opportunity, no matter how small, to rest. I wish you all the best.

Tedber Fri 15-Nov-19 09:29:01

So much to consider here. I am overwhelmed just thinking about the way forward for you nanny6.

It sounds like you do believe your GC are “at risk”. (The dirty house, the fact you went to ensure they were picked up from school etc).

When did it start? Was she always a slob? Does her medication include methadone? All factors. But I am not an expert in mental health so not able to make suggestions as such.

All can say is so right by your GC. Do whatever your gut tells you. I hope your daughter is listening about contraception! The last thing she needs is another baby.

Bearing in mind it MAY mean the children are removed from her until she proves a fit mum, in which case she may never speak to you again but if that is what is best for the safety of the children then what else can you do?

Perhaps try to make an appointment with her GP or health visitor? I am out of touch with who does what? From what you say somebody needs to step up and assess the situation before it is too late.

Keep strong and try to get some breaks from the worry any way you can

3nanny6 Fri 15-Nov-19 11:31:46

Many thanks for more kind messages and also pointing out some good advice. Answers to the last set of messages : Yes my daughter is on medication she has medication from the mental health services and also medication from the G.P. I know they are the professional doctors but they supply her diazepam and sleeping tablets and other medication. Almost every G.P has stopped giving sleeping tablets something to do with new government rules but she still gets them. One reason my daughter has been getting upset is she told me she has become addicted to co-codamol she has told her mental health team this but they say we did not give you those and it is a problem to sort out with the G.P. The problem is nobody in my daughters care system will release any information to me as she is an adult and like people say nothing really happens until it is too late.

It would be hard to believe that my daughter finished school with nine A and B passes for G.C.S.E. She later went to university and done a degree it was during university that all the anxiety and mental health stuff began she finished the degree and was still doing a part time job in London but I had to bring her home as she was not well. It was after being home about seven months she was diagnosed with bi-polar although that did not stop her finding friends again in our local area and spending most week-ends indulging in drinking and possibly recreational drugs which of course would counteract all the help that her mental health medication was supposed to be doing. So then she met the father of the two eldest GC and all she has done is struggle since then. I think someone mentioned does her medication include methadone the answer to that is no she has never gone on to the hard street drugs such as heroin or crack in fact she would not stand a chance because my son would actually take drastic action without caring about any consequences and in fact he has already dealt with two small time dealers who were supplying her cannabis and trust me they were frightened of him. That being a reason why I think it best my son stays away from her for awhile as I do not want him in trouble over her. In fact my son loves the grand-children and he has contact with them at my other daughters house when thy go there for a week-end.
This all sounds like something out of a book and it is not a wonderful life unfortunately it is mine and yet I still keep going. Ask me if I think there are risk areas around my grand-children I would say YES however with overstretched mental health services and also funding and overstretched social services there seems nothing has been done about my daughter.
I do feel a little bit angry as I know a woman that took on her GS and then her daughter had another child that went straight into care and it took her fifteen months to be able to get him out, I know her daughter was on hard drugs but it seems some help was given. Also someone else I know she took on two boys from one daughter and then two girls from another daughter as both daughters were on hard drugs when one of the daughters came out of re-hab she was allowed to live with her mother again monitored by social services as it was hard for the woman managing four children. I think the social services only really do something when hard drugs are involved and if that is not the case then you are left hanging there in the balance.
Thank-you for letting me get all this off my chest it is such a help.
Take care everyone.

silverlining48 Mon 18-Nov-19 11:21:54

Take care yourself 3 nanny6. You have a lot to contend with. In my previous work experience I found that if someone really wanted help and cooperated with whatever was offered things often did work out. I hope it works out fir your daughter who is clearly intelligent, but needs support with her mental health. All you can do is be there to give support when you are needed.