Which son for Christmas?

A propos the title of this thread. I would rather have a turkey.

I agree with previous posts to me, make a change this time & while you can. I became disabled/mobility & other conditions about a decade ago, in my late 40’s & flying/travelling out of UK, is so hard. I’ve only been on European, short flights, but even still.

As has been mentioned by yourself & others, very differing views on Christmas, family etc. Life seems to have become more complicated, but not in a good way. I used to be one of those people (having no family here-come from Ireland) who wondered about the fuss people made about Christmas arrangements. Just on sheer impracticality, the idea that young adults (when I was one) with their own family of small kids, should be expected to go to, possibly 2 sets of parents/in-laws, was crazy. With my situation didn’t have parents here, my Mother-in-law expected everyone to go to her, & not just at Christmas. But what was even more peculiar, with Christmas Day dinner, you need an invite really & myself, ex -partner & young child weren’t “invited”, but expected to go for evening tea/leftovers & or Boxing Day. There were 2 other adult sons & the middle one, who had a childhood sweetheart from when they were 15, who was “local” (important in a small town) & fitted in well & lived there for many years. They were automatically there for Christmas Day lunch, though I suspected that the fact that I had a small child by someone other than her son, didn't help. It did bother me, always been sensitive to these things & one year, middle son’s best friend was invited, but not us? Nowt so strange as folk/families.

You have to go with what your heart is telling you and not what others expect of you .

You don't say how old the children are...
I've got a big family and when anyone is missing they provide a game to be played round the table. e.g. when my daughter was missing the first time, she gave us each a secret word to get into the conversation during dinner. DH had 'Top of the Pops', my non linguist son had a French phrase.... We all had fun , it was truly memorable, and we didn't miss her because it felt as if she was still with us. Is there some sort of game/activity you could give to DS1 and family?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jillybird... I would first like to say that you shouldn't feel worried to post this on here. I posted something really awkward & got so much help. Your problem is our problem.

I think that the reason you are worrying so much is lack of communication. Explain to your son with the family exactly how you feel. Ask them if you can have a second Christmas day with them as soon as you return.
I'm sure you will get their blessing to go with your other son on this occasion.

I think that even though you may miss your other family in the long run you will see that you did the right thing.
Let us know how it goes & much love

I feel very sorry for your younger son that he clearly isn’t valued because he doesn’t have a long term partner and children. I’d have thought you would alternate spending Christmas with each son, not 16 yrs with the one providing grandchildren. How awful.
Presumably, your grandchildren are teenagers now?

I haven’t spent a single Christmas with DGS (6yrs). They live in a tiny 2 bed flat so we’d have to stay in a hotel if we visited.
They know they’re welcome to visit us but they don’t get much time off work and flights aren’t cheap so we just Skype on the day.

We can see each other at another time that’s more convenient. Suits me fine.

I have two sons, The oldest is married with a wife and baby. The youngest is on his own and no girlfriend. I would like us to be together but the oldest has decided to stay at home The youngest will come to me. However we are all going to my oldest one day near Christmas for tea and cake, It’s different and sounds a bit sparse but I’m not complaining because it’s not like I’m not going to see everybody.
I think you should go with your younger son . He should have your time, he has missed out . See your older one another day and maybe invite him to you for a slap up tea which would be a treat for his wife, Don’t burden her with another big meal.
If you can afford it go out somewhere that caters for children.

If it isn’t possible to club together so your older son and family can travel too why not invite everyone to your place?

Firstly stop apologising this is your situation and you can't be responsible for others.
I think instead of worrying about pleasing others. Think about what you would like to Do?
Would you be up to the flight?
Do u fancy a change this year?
Would it not be nice to go with your single son a nice mum and son trip?
Or do you want to do the same thing you have done every year?
One thing is for sure your sons will be ok whatever way you choose. Because the single one would be fine flying on his own and also being single maybe his choice. So again stop feeling sorry for him and you could also have a nice meal before or after.
Your son with family if you don't go to them have another special day with them.
Good luck and stop feeling sorry for others. As long as we all are healthy to a degree that's all that matters.

Sixteen years with eldest son! ...he won’t begrudge this year with his brother and your sister ...he just can’t be that selfish. Go and enjoy yourself ...it might be your last chance to travel. Believe your eldest will fully appreciate you want to do this...as will your grandkids . Go!

I prefer a turkey myself.

Where has DiL's family been for the last 16 years? How have they spent time with their daughter, SiL and their grandchildren for the last 16 years?

go see your sister and have an early or a late Christmas with your other son and children, and/or take the little ones and parents out for a special day somewhere, maybe the panto,or a local historic house which has Christmas activities, or if it's beforehand, do a mini Christmas dinner and have the grandchildren over, while the parents have a morning wrapping pressies or other preparations on their own. Then the can come for a meal with you and the children, and you'll have a few leftovers to keep you in sandwiches while you are packing to go away. It sounds like your sisterwould really like you to come, maybe she has had some news and would like to tell you in person, and if you are getting less able to travel and you havea a willing helper it is a good time to go

GO. you have spent the last 16 with the one son, now its the turn of the other. Besides what would you do if he was married and had children? You will also get to see your sister which is a bonus.

Go to your sister with your younger son...how lovely to spend Christmas with him for a change Your elder son will understand.

With dilemmas like this, I toss a coin. When a particular face is revealed, I instantly know whether I feel thankful or wish it had been the other. So problem is then resolved! You could even tell them you were so turn you let the coin decide (even if in fact it was your gut instinct that finally decided - little white lie and all that.).

Reading between the lines, I may be wrong but I think in her heart of hearts, the OP really wants to spend Christmas as she always has done, with older son, DIL and grandchildren. The thought of being with her sister’s family, even though DS2 will be there, is not so appealing.
However, I will stick my neck out and say I agree with most of the other replies. I think it would be good for everyone to have a change. You will probably never have the opportunity to go with someone to see your sister at Christmas again, and with luck you will have other Christmas days with DS1 and family. Also your other son must often feel out of it with no wife and children, make him feel special this time.

Or could it be an option for you to help pay for flights and dog boarding for older sons family so they can come too? Or maybe all of you ( even your sister& other son) could 'club together' to pay for this,to make it possible for you all to get together this year? Its very generous& kind of your sister to invite all of you,please try find a way to enable you all to go- surely theres cheaper flights available if its only a short distance away?

Yes and you can maybe skype or video call your grandchildren on christmas day too? Im sure that none of them would begrudge you going especially as you want to see your sister too! If,like me,youre bad with knee problem,( im awaiting dble knee ops too,like Dillyduck so i try to travel while i can) then you need to go now while its still an option.and why shouldn't you spend time with your sister and your other son? You need to make memories with/for them too,not just your grandchildren,yes they are only little a short while,but i doubt one christmas will 'devastate' them,maybe they can have a christmas with theyre other grandparents if they are still here?

Spend it with the usual family and your grandchildren.

It is great you have two places to spend Christmas this year!

I would do what I would really want to do.
The fact that your son has no wife /girlfriend and travels alone is not a factor whatsoever. That is part of being single.
He also would like you to go, which is nice.

I would consider other practical arrangements to decide:
1. Can you afford the plane ticket?
2. Are you willing to fly those days? Airports get ready crowded
3. Accommodations: will they satisfy your limitations and if you pay for them, can you afford them?

I think you have your heart set in going, why not going then?

Yes as others have said,youve had 16 yrs of christmases with other son,and how do you not know,they may welcome the 'break' from having to host christmas for you,just for once? I personally have either to 'spread myself thin' at christmas,or spend it at home with 2 youngest sons(21&16) as they dont always want to travel to be with their older siblings(all 72 miles away) as then were staying in hotels and they dont get their gifts till after christmas.(We always visit before christmas to exchange gifts when we stay home for christmas day) yes go be with other son,and other family members,spend new year with married son& his family instead,if thats an option?im sure they wont mind.Dont listen to Readymeals-or oopsminty- i find personally that they realise you want to 'take turns' with other family too-and yes you could even have an 'early' christmas' with other son to take gifts for grandchildren. (Maybe other son(unmarried one) could join you all?) Does he he usually go to their house for christmas dinner with you?- or have they fallen out or something& thats why its such a big issue? You maybe dont want to 'take sides'?

To me it seems clear that it is time you spent Christmas with your younger son at your sister’s. There will be children there so it should be no less of a magical Christmas. Older son and family were invited and can’t make it but they are a complete family unit and perhaps should experience a Christmas by themselves. I never get to see my son for
Christmas Day as my Daughter in law’s mum is on her own at Christmas and they wouldn’t have room for all of us so this year we are celebrating with them at ours on 23rd. We have ‘Christmas’ celebrations whenever we can, even in October once before my daughter and family went back to Oz?

How old are your older son's children? Unless they are very small, they will understand that you are sharing this Christmas with their uncle (who for some reason has missed all your lovely get-togethers) and with your sister and her family (who you have not seen for ages), but that you will be with them on another day soon after Christmas.

Ask them to take lots of photos for you to see, and promise to take lots yourself, so that you can show them their extended family. This is a great opportunity to link everyone up with them each other, not just for your own sake but for your grandchildren too, who are probably unfamiliar with them This gives them a chance to see how the wider family can integrate with the nuclear one, and deepen the ties with them.

Turn it into a positive thing, not something for them (and you) to be upset about.