Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

What the heck Tricia?! Why on earth did you and your DH put up with that? Why did you MIL think that was appropriate behaviour?! Words fail me - and that doesn’t happen often ?

Naty - please don’t think the above is acceptable Your last line about it magnifying the things you’re unhappy about was quite sad - are you unhappy generally in Italy and with your DH?

When my DH & I first got married hubby had a job working away from home, he would be away for 6 weeks, home for 2.
Which was fine at first as I was working & to be honest it didn't put me up or down.
I started noticing that MIL., who had a key, she also had to take 2 buses to get to our house, I would come home from work on the day my hubby was due home, going to make a lovely meal for us, I would find the front door unlocked which was a tad unnerving, to start with.
But it was always on his first night home, then stay until he was due to leave,making a detour to take her home.
When the penny dropped I started arranging weekends away, saying we'd drop in on our way home.
It never really worked fully as she would say she forgot we were going away.
Once or twice she came with us
When children arrived so it continued, I merely got used to it.
As children grew, I would organise an overnight trip for hubby & I for the first night home.
She never changed, we just learnt to slot into each other's lives.
Sadly, she has died now many years ago.
Maybe it's learning to tolerate each other.
Tricia

Yes, my husband got financial help (they offered, it wasn't requested) and it is very much appreciated. I was not married to him at the time. The visits were sparse before my baby arrived, so I was unaware of the change that would take place. I enjoy close family relations if people are considerate...i.e.
.calling before coming. I have a big, very close family, but we always check in to see whether we'd be putting someone out by going over. I'll do my best to let them know my needs. My husband will to, because he doesn't want me to go insane and leave him. The in-laws haven't been over unannounced in over a week, so I think they may have felt frostiness.... we'll see. I don't want to change my behaviour towards them, but being with my newborn in this country has magnified things I'm unhappy with in my life.

Really? My friend is married to an Italian and her parents in law have managed to work things out just fine - and they get a lot of financial help from them.

As an Italian , and from what you’ve said , it sounds like you’ve had your ‘help’ in the form of money and you have chosen to live in such close proximity. I doubt that you didn’t know the cultural familial ties in the 10 years you have been married so it surprises me that you are upset by them visiting. I know from experience that if you do NOT want family calling on you , then move house or to another country. I have known members of Italian family so just that because the Italian culture is , by generation , intrusive to someone who has not previously lived that way. They MIL is probably a little bit lonely perhaps. Maybe she thinks she’s helping, maybe she just doesn’t’ get it’ !! Your need for privacy sounds Is probably alien to her. If you want to tackle it sensitivity then sit her down and let her read the post you’ve written. You have eloquently put your point across in this forum so I find it hard to believe you have stated it as well as you think you have. I have myself called at friends houses for a coffee unannounced. Although I admit that in the last 20 years with the use of mobile phones there is no need to go unannounced and because I live in the U.K. now it is culturally completely different. The only person I would be confident in calling in on is my mother. Remember I’m most probably 20 years older than you. My eldest is 33. Personally and because of my upbringing I do not mind anyone calling on me unannounced. It’s awkward I can only imagine that I would find someone peering in my windows daily unnerving. I’m stuck between the two generations and I don’t call on my own children unannounced. Remember one day you will be that MIL so perhaps think about all the advice you’ve had and how different all families are and work out for yourself what’s appropriate. Good luck ...

I think that if your husband is empowered to speak up
And be clear then there will be less of this misunderstanding. You may live in Italy, but you are not required to 100% live as an Italian and they too must be prepared to adapt to having a North American DIL. To be clear is to be kind. Have your husband spell out that you don’t like drop bys but welcome their visits if they ASK FIRST. It takes no time to send a text or make a call.

You're right about me being passive and hubs having to speak up. My MIL tries to play dumb sometimes and I'm thinking it's because she doesn't know how to handle certain situations. They are often indirect communicators and guess instead of ask.

You really must have your husband speak up. And I truly think your MiL
Being your caregiver is a disaster in the making. You are far too passive and she is far too...obtuse I suppose to understand when she’s made you uncomfortable.

It would be nice to drop a subtle hint, but they in-laws don't speak English. That adds another layer of complexity in my case, because I sometimes think that I'm not communicating as effectively in Italian as I would like.

Yes, 100%! I need to discuss things with her and agree to a mutually beneficial arrangement (as in a few hours a day, not full-time care). I've told her that it's a huge commitment and have asked them about their holidays, etc..but she says they have no plans and she's happy to do it. For them, their life is their children. I know we can work things out.

Naty; perhaps your aunt could tactfully say something? I've always thought that, if something needs to be said there's always a right time to just slip it into the conversation. My problem is I bottle things up because I don't want to say something that will upset people and then I just explode and make things worse! x

I really hope you can get this sorted - you sound lovely Could I just make one suggestion? That is, to agree boundaries in advance of her doing the childcare for you. That’s a big commitment and I know from friends who used their parents for childcare that it can cause tensions if well meaning GPS choose to ignore or bend the rules set out by parents. I think it would be helpful all round if you could have a think about what you want from this arrangement and how you can both work together on it.

Thank you, summerlove. I'll update as things progress (for the better). My aunt is here right now from Canada. She decided to come for a week, probably sensing that now is the right time. We'll invite the in-laws over tomorrow. ;)

Naty, you sound so wonderful

Please don’t ever doubt yourself and how kind you are.

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with all that stress and tension. It’s so hard to live that way

Ladies, you are all very wise. And yes, it's been stressful for me trying to anticipate their random visits. I've also thought of putting it on the whatsapp family chat (sister and neices, hubby and grandparents only) and say "Hey guys, just let me know when you're coming by. I get anxious with not knowing. Thanks!"

My tension definitely has taken a toll on my relationship with them...And I'm sure they can feel it but may attribute it to me just being a momma bear with my first child...

I asked her last night (I asked her over) if she would be okay looking after our child when I go back to work at fourteen months. This woman almost started crying with joy and danced around with the baby. I think she was wondering if I trusted her enough, because she's already taken care of her daughter's three. It does make me sad that it's not my own mom (who I lost at 21)...but my mom wouldn't even be able to anyway, as she would only be 55 now had she lived. I am happy my MIL did a great job with her kids. I can get a tan from how sunny my husband and his sister are. I know I'm prone to darker moods because of my mother's difficult (to say the very least) relationship with my dad and for having lost her at a rather early age.

I'm kind to my in-laws because I know the value of family and I'm here in Italy because my husband has parents and I don't. Parents are an incredibly important thing..

Even if I miss my extended family and sister a lot at times...I do see them several times a year and the time is very much "quality" time. I actually see my family more now than living in Canada, because we now holiday together.

It's just been hard with changes with baby and dealing with everyone's new expectations and cultural differences all at once.

Thank you for your responses.

By not but

Exactly. Naty you do not have to facilitate their needs but sacrificing your own.

They love doing things. This would just reinforce visits and give them the impression that I really need them. They like being useful.

The bottom line is....you need to be relaxed and at peace with whatever you do. Only you can know how to make that happen. If you’re not relaxing, no matter how much you tell yourself how lovely your in laws are, it will affect you and the family dynamic. You can’t live life in a state of paranoia. Your child is the most important consideration, and comes first. Keep reminding yourself of that, and it should be easier to be more direct with your in laws.

I don't understand this idea that different cultures can't work perfectly well together, they can and they do. Compromises can be found just like any relationship.

But the OP hasn’t said she doesn’t want them to drop by for days on end - she’s made her feelings clear (politely) and they’re trampling all over them because they are putting their own wants and needs first every single time. They’re coming across (to me) as selfish and self centred people who are old enough and wise enough to understand that other people have wants and needs that are different from theirs.

these people have a completely different outlook, priorities, experience, way of living.
and you are living in their territory.
suppose they were living where you come from, and nobody dropped by for days on end. they would be sad, confused, depressed. that is not life for them, esp family life. it is existence, or restricted life.
I think they literally cannot understand where you are coming from.

You are lovely and your in-laws are incredibly fortunate.
Your situation would drive me insane, whether it was MIL, my own mum or dad or even my best friend.
Every other day would be too much for me too but everyone is different.
Your sweetness means you have actually been reinforcing her bad habit. Her calling in unannounced has been rewarded more often than not. I think it will improve when you stop that. You don’t have to be horrible, but if she knocks and you are in another room, as previously, just don’t respond. If she has peered through and seen you so that’s not an option, go to the door and open it a bit and say “Sorry Celia, I missed your call, it’s not a good time now, we’ll catch up on X”, and say goodbye and close the door!
She really is pushing it, you should have no qualms. If she gets upset and says she feels like she has to make an appointment, don’t backtrack, point out that you have repeatedly asked her to call ahead and she has seemed to agree but then just does the same thing. To you, that’s not making an appointment, but if to her it is, then yes, can she please do that as you love her dearly, but it’s not normal in your culture and you find it stressful.
Your softly, softly approach hasn’t worked, you need to enforce your own boundaries. She won’t like it, no matter how kindly you do it, because she wants to be able to drop in without warning on a daily basis, sometimes even more than once. You, very reasonably, don’t want that.
As you have a great relationship otherwise, she will get over it, you just have to brave her initial upset.

Brilliant decision Naty! You sound really positive as well. Just a thought if they do pop in uninvited and you really wish they hadn't, ask them to do job or two!! Could you wash up, really big help. Sort the washing, go to the shops, you need a big shop etc etc. That might cut down their visits, ha ha. Stay happy!

My in laws are amazing. Period. I won't fall out with them over this. I'll just explain that I'm feeling anxious with all the changes in my life (if they ask)...but it might not come to that. I'm hoping, at least!