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Boomerang children

(31 Posts)
Allsaints55 Fri 06-Dec-19 19:05:47

I have a dilemma. I have 3 grown up children . I’m 61 living with my partner . My youngest is at Uni and comes home in the holidays . I have a 29 year old who is living at home as he has a long term illness but manages to work full time . The problem is this I have a 38 year old who wants to stay after splitting with his girlfriend. I had him back a couple of years ago for 7 months when he split with his wife while he sorted himself out .my partner works from home and I’m retired . I don’t want to help as I’ve had enough but feel guilty . What do you think of children using our homes as free hotels x

GagaJo Fri 06-Dec-19 19:11:58

I appreciate it's hard for them, BUT I was in the position when I split from my ex and STILL managed not to go back to mum's, despite being on the breadline and potentially homeless at one point.

My daughter lives with me. I tolerate it because the upside is I get to see my grandson everyday. But the lack of privacy, mess, expense etc etc do my head in.

Tangerine Fri 06-Dec-19 19:19:05

Free hotels? I understand the youngest at University might not be able to pay rent but is the 29 year old unable to do so?

Would the 38 year old be able to pay at all?

I suppose a lot depends on how your children treat you, your partner and also your home. Also, on how well you get on with your children in general?

Assuming you have the room, why not have the 38 year old back on a 3 month trial period. That ought to give him time to sort something out. Make it clear it can't be a permanent arrangement.

Allsaints55 Fri 06-Dec-19 19:23:41

When I say I’ve had enough . I mean there has been no peace in my life for 38 years . I’d like to have my home to myself and tidy etc . I love all my children and always help but this time I’ve said no and I feel terrible for not helping

Allsaints55 Fri 06-Dec-19 19:31:22

Yes Gagajo . Lack of privacy, expense ,mess , exactly do my head in too . And I too never went back to my mums after going though 2 divorces . I think I must be a soft touch .
I don’t charge my 29 year old rent as he’s saving to buy a property but yes that does have an impact on me . And it seems to be taking a long time . Thanks for your advice . And like you said maybe take the 38 year old temporary. If it doesn’t send me insane 😩x

J52 Fri 06-Dec-19 19:32:05

Personally I’d always give my DCs a home, as long as they paid their way and did a fair share of the chores.
A bit like the Mum played by Jean Bott, in the sit com Bread.

Ilovecheese Fri 06-Dec-19 19:34:02

Good on you Allsaints55 put yourself first for once after 38 years. It is no bad lesson for adult children to learn that their parents are actually human beings. You are doing something good for them, in helping their emotional maturity, don't feel the slightest bit guilty.

Allsaints55 Fri 06-Dec-19 19:34:23

My partner is nice and says to help them out . My home is big enough and my children all treat me well and adore me so not all bad

Allsaints55 Fri 06-Dec-19 19:35:55

Thanks I love cheese that has helped !

Allsaints55 Fri 06-Dec-19 19:43:07

Thank you everybody. Friday night and my partner wasn’t being very understanding as he loves having a full house ! So can’t understand my needing of peace . Just poured a glass of wine . Maybe that will help 😊

pinkprincess Fri 06-Dec-19 19:48:47

I seem to always had this, my house was only myself and my husband for short periods.
I cannot say any more as it will ''out'' me I am well known on this subject.
All I can say in favour of it is it is nice to know you are wanted!

sodapop Fri 06-Dec-19 20:14:27

Why is it a 'free hotel' Allsaints55 they should all be paying their way and helping with chores.

MissAdventure Fri 06-Dec-19 20:17:24

I would expect contributions, both momentary and in terms of household chores.

They're adults, after all.

Hetty58 Fri 06-Dec-19 20:54:43

My eldest stays here for a month or two when he comes back from NZ every year. The next one lived here with her other half and baby son for a few years. When she moved out the son remained (until ten years old).

The third one has moved back in twice, firstly because of severe floods where he lived and the second time for a few months between renting and owning (he brought his OH and two kids with him).

Only the fourth has never moved back home since leaving for uni. They and/or their kids regularly stay in the holidays too and have always paid their share of the bills, right from when they started work.

You say: 'I don’t charge my 29 year old rent as he’s saving to buy a property' and you mention 'expense'. It shouldn't cost you anything extra if they pay their way. No wonder you resent the situation. Do you cook, do the laundry, wait on them and clean up after them too? I don't!

Do you think it could cause jealousy and bad feelings between your children if you treat them differently? You feel bad for saying no, so I agree that a temporary stay would be a good compromise.

M0nica Fri 06-Dec-19 21:13:49

Why cannot the 2 older ones get a flat together and share the rent?

If a your two elder children are working and living at home I would expect both of them to be paying you at least £100 a week for bed and board and expect them to do their own washing and ironing. You could always quietly put some of the money to one side as enforced savings to give them towards a deposit on a property later.

My chldren are now in their late 40s, but when they were working and living at home. I always insisted they contribute towards their keep, not that much insistence was needed, they just did it. Not charging children for their keep is the best way I know of making sure they never fly the nest.

Harris27 Fri 06-Dec-19 21:17:24

My youngest son is back home after living awY twice and asked to come back it works perfectly for us as we seem him everyday but still maintain our time together. He does help financially and that helps us too.

Harris27 Fri 06-Dec-19 21:20:20

£100 a week ! I don’t take that much off my son he pays £200 a month and all food and washing is done by me. We are up north maybe our costs are less! I couldn’t take that much off him as he is saving to buy a home eventually. Ne371eg

Curlywhirly Fri 06-Dec-19 21:40:34

I wouldn't mind at all if either of my children needed a roof over their heads for a time. We had our son, DIL and DGD stay with us for 2 months whilst they were inbetween moving house, and both me and my husband loved having them. But, having enough room helps a lot, (it must be difficult if you are all crammed in) we weren't in each other's pockets and managed to have some privacy. As I am retired, and everyone else works fulltime, I did all their washing, ironing, cooking etc. and quite enjoyed the chance to mother them all. Worked for us, but, I know it wouldn't be everybody's cup of tea.

Esther1 Fri 06-Dec-19 21:42:25

Welcome your son back into your home with open arms and feel blessed that your children love you and are happy to be with you. There are so many people who would love to be in your position, surrounded by family.

sodapop Fri 06-Dec-19 21:59:15

Don't think its always such sweetness and light Esther1 more a case of convenience and financial necessity.

Jomarie Fri 06-Dec-19 22:18:13

two years down the line and YS is now working again (high flying career to call centre dude!!) - if we hadn't offered him a refuge he wouldn't be here (suicide) - his words not mine. He is now on the road to recovery and it will take a while longer until he flies the nest once again - I am just so grateful that we were/are able to offer him a safe place to re-boot as they say. It has not been easy for any of us - but it has proved to be a lifesaver - fingers crossed it continues to go forward. Sorry to be so serious but sometimes it is a matter of life or death. One just has to trust one"s instinct sometimes.

BlueBelle Fri 06-Dec-19 22:23:18

harris my grandson pays £200 a month too and we re not up north
I m afraid I couldn’t say no even if it put me out it’s still their home if they need it

grannyactivist Fri 06-Dec-19 22:29:38

I do understand that feeling of needing a bit of space, but with me it never lasts more than a fleeting second. All my children have left home, returned home and now, finally I think, have left for good. It doesn't make a jot of difference because my house has always got someone else's adult children living in it anyway!

Ensure your son understands that moving into your home is a temporary measure by agreeing on a leaving date, say six months from now. Then charge him some rent (even if only a nominal sum) and make sure he does a reasonable share of chores - in other words treat him like a lodger you're fond of. Re-visit his plans every month with a reminder that the clock is ticking until moving day. Possibly suggest he and your son who's still living at home get a flat together? Then 'Bingo'- you'll have moved them both on and got your home back. grin

trisher Fri 06-Dec-19 22:34:39

My DSs have all come home at one point or another. I love it. They help with the chores, do DIY jobs and sometimes cook things I wouldn't usually have. I wouldn't want them all the time but they are lovely visitors.

SalsaQueen Sat 07-Dec-19 00:32:57

My eldest son is now 38, first left home at 25. He's been back to live with us (my husband and me) 4 times - the last time was 18 months ago, and he stayed for about 6 months, before going back to live with his girlfriend and her 2 boys (he's not the father).

This evening, he told me that he'd been off work today, so I asked if he's been ill. No, he said that the girlfriend has gone to her sister's today, taking her 2 boys. The reason she gave was that he won't book a holiday to take her and her boys to Disneyland! He had pointed out that they've got the expense of Christmas, and that he wouldn't go there without taking his 2 daughters as well (it will be very expensive for 6 of them to go to Disneyland, so he can't afford it - certainly not at the moment). The girlfriend called him "boring" and has said she wants him to leave - he's got his girls with him this weekend (they live with their mum)

Sorry for the ramble, but in response to your question - I'd have my son living here any time he needs to, rather than him be unhappily living with her.