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Long Term IL Problem

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M0nica Thu 19-Dec-19 20:05:36

onlyhereforthebiscuits I notice that you do not mention, your husband, FiL's son. Are you separated, or has he died?

If either is true then the ball is entirely in your court. Have a serious chat with your DC about this relationship, it is clear that they know what both grandparents are like. I suspect that they would be no more enthusiastic about their grandparents than you are. In which case, just say thanks, but no thanks for the invite, for all of you.

After that, do not become estranged, but just put the relationship into neutral, do not cut them off, cards as appropriate, if that is what you do, leave DC to visit as they please, but otherwise do make any effort to contact them.

It doesn't matter whether everyone in the world gets on with your MiL, (which, lets face it is no more absurd than her claim that everyone in the country, or even her road, gets on with her) you don't, and that is all that matters.

Grandparents are not a necessity, they are not sacred. There seems to be a cult of the grand parent around these days. Children will grow up quite happily and undamaged, whether they have grandparents or not and if the grandparents are unpleasant, they are probably best out rather than in.

Talk to your children, reach a joint decision and act on it, and just leave these grandparents to marinade in their own unpleasantness.

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onlyhereforthebiscuits Thu 19-Dec-19 19:30:56

I feel sick at the thought of it but don't think I would feel any better if the DC went on their own without me. FIL is just a sneaky character who I no longer like or trust. MIL said some cruel things when I was at my lowest. Whether she wasn't thinking before she spoke or meant every word, I've never been able to forgive and forget. Allegedly I'm the only one in the whole country who doesn't get on with her.

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MissAdventure Thu 19-Dec-19 19:16:30

So don't go.

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onlyhereforthebiscuits Thu 19-Dec-19 19:14:33

FIL called up earlier. Don't think I've seen him since Christmas Day 2018. Says he has stopped calling because he is hard of hearing and can't hear the DC! Hard to tolerate him but he just walks on in so I've little choice. Have been NC with MIL since shortly after birth of DS2.

Anyway he's left me feeling like a shit mother, daughter, wife and daughter in law. During his visit he comes out with "I didn't like the way you handled DS1 when we came to visit you in hospital. I never said anything but I didn't like it". That was 18 years ago!

Another thing he came out with was "I could never understand why your mother left your wedding reception early". That was 21 years ago. For info the venue was difficult to get to/from. Even when I explained my relations (DM, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) all live in same village and had booked a mini bus to take everyone home, he still couldn't get his head around it. TBH I wasn't aware DM had left any earlier than the majority of other people who weren't staying overnight at the venue.

Recently he forgot DD birthday but sent a card about a month later with money and a short letter saying "I'd do more than send money if you came to visit". I asked him today what did he mean by that and he wouldn't answer, so how can a 13 yo know what he meant?

Now after all those insults he is asking us all to go to dinner with him and MIL at their house playing happy families as if nothing as ever happened! MIL has never called to visit or make contact with 2 younger GC and hasn't seen DS1 for over 15 years. DC never ask about them/her or ask to visit. He threw up the "I could be dead next week" card but so could we all. DS2 heard it all from kitchen and after FIL had left gave me a hug. DS2 has been the butt of his insults over the years too ... "why are you so short and fat compared to your brother" (none of my DC are short or fat); even though they both done really well in exams, money was sent up for DS1 and the message to DS2 "you'll get some when you're as good as your brother". Surely if he wants to rekindle some sort of relationship between GP and GC, you don't go round to their house and make all sorts of accusations to their DM?? Surely if you're not getting what you want, you don't continuously ask for more? Being old isn't a free ticket to say what you like and not hurt someone's feelings.

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