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Distant grans

(50 Posts)
Winefride Sun 29-Dec-19 17:49:22

Dear grans I know there will be someone out there handling the same so here goes . We r the grandparents 2 hours away and my lovely daughter in laws parent live 5 mins away . So when we visit once a month they r there . They physically put themselves between us and r beautiful grandchildren ie take them upstairs or to there house . Is this OK we smile and say
Not a lot . We arrange adventures and take them out for the day. We send son and dil away for night and they face time to check in with grandchildren . What is their problem. Christmas was truly lovely . But christingle grandma made Sure I Was on
the end . My lovely son said put children in middle so that was nice .
I am running out of patience here .who would invite the grandchildren for a sleep over without asking parents on Boxing Day .we only see them for a couple of days a month so they have all the rest of the month . HELP !, I’ve just read that back and what a child Isound must be the G and T but help anyway even to criticise me happy new year to all

Hithere Mon 30-Dec-19 13:13:37

Apologies I misread. The sleepover was the other gps.

Esspee Mon 30-Dec-19 13:27:10

Am I the only person to be concerned about the incoherence of this post being alcohol induced?
Is there a background to the story which hasn’t been mentioned?

dragonfly46 Mon 30-Dec-19 13:36:22

It is all about quality not quantity.
My DGC see far more of their other nana than us but they still love us just the same if not more as we are special.
Stop fretting about it and just enjoy them.

vinasol Mon 30-Dec-19 13:41:26

How selfish of them to hang around when they must know you deserve your time with your grandchildren.

Tedber Mon 30-Dec-19 13:42:40

esspee . I didn’t understand the OP either. Others did so ... although not just you. We are in the minority. Have understood now more from the responses 😂

Hithere Mon 30-Dec-19 13:47:15


I agree.

Jillybird Mon 30-Dec-19 13:48:59

1. The other grandparents should not be there when you visit once a month. They could maybe pop in for a cuppa and catch-up, then go. That's what I would do if I were them. It sounds as though you never actually get the children on their own, which is totally unfair. The other grandparents are being thoughtless, jealous and selfish!
2. I am the closest grandmother. I am their father's mother. I appreciate how lucky I am, and I babysit all the time when my adults go out. The other grandma would have to travel so far and is not particularly healthy. When she does occasionally go to stay for a week, I make myself scarce! I definitely feel lucky and would not impose myself when the other grandma has family time. Your in-laws are being very selfish and greedy.
3. Sounds like your son has the measure of the situation given his comments on the seating arrangements. Why not have a quiet word with him on his own and tell him how you feel you are being edged out. That you feel hurt and marginalised.
4. Is it possible to invite the children to stay at your house on their own? I've had mine a couple of times and loved it!
Good Luck! x

sylviann Mon 30-Dec-19 15:31:02

I have 2 son's 4 grandchildren my gran kids have always been closer to me than their mothers parents just the way it worked out but no way would I be offended if it were the other way round the children make their own choices

leeds22 Mon 30-Dec-19 15:34:46

I think you just have to go with the flow. We see one set of GC much less frequently than you see yours and often dil's mother appears, even though she sees them several times a week. We just smile sweetly and pretend we don't notice the intrusion. Our GC are still happy to see us.

ReadyMeals Mon 30-Dec-19 15:47:16

I'd be quite blunt "You see them every day, we'd like a bit of time with them now. Thank you! smile "

Barmeyoldbat Mon 30-Dec-19 16:05:38

First I think you need to have a quiet word with your son about how you feel. Secondly I think you need to calmly assert yourself with the other GP. When they went to take them upstairs, you could have said something along the lines, that a shame when we have come to see the children. FaceTime, ignore it and switch off device. Don't make it a battle but just let them know your are there.

Pinkrinse Mon 30-Dec-19 16:49:01

I think you need to focus on your relationship with the gc, we are the ones 1hr away and the others do much more babysitting then us, but the gc come to stay 4-5 times a year and have fun whilst here. I try not to think about their relationship with their other gp as I can’t do anything about it, enjoy what you have.

endlessstrife Mon 30-Dec-19 17:03:41

My husband was reading this, and he asks the question, could your son and his family come to visit you sometimes? Could they stay? We’ve kind of felt this a bit with one of our sons and family. We all live close, so we’ve done all the childcare, babysitting, day to day stuff. My DIL’s family live three hours away, so to see them, they’ll go to stay for a week at a time. We’ve felt at times, whenever our son gets a holiday, we never see them, because they are away. My DIL’s mother once said to me she’s jealous of me, because I get the day to day stuff, and she misses it. I pointed out, that with that, comes more work in some ways, but it’s also hard, that every time they see them, it’s for at least a week! There are no winners in this, and young families need to find what suits them best. There’s nothing wrong with taking your son to one side, and telling him how you feel, but that’s all you can do I think. Get them to visit you if you can.

sandelf Mon 30-Dec-19 17:25:10

Both you and the other GPs are just GPs not parents. It really is up to them.

GardenerGran Mon 30-Dec-19 17:54:06

It’s fine by me if the OP wants to have an alcohol induced rant on here - we’re here to listen aren’t we and offer advice?! It’s better to get it off her chest. I echo what some others have said and have a gentle word with your son to try and get some more time to yourself with the GC and also ignore the FaceTime thing. If that doesn’t work say something directly to the other GP, put nicely and appealing to her better nature she may think about her behaviour.

EthelJ Mon 30-Dec-19 19:47:43

We are the close GPs, the other GPs live in another country and only see them twice a year. We stay away when the other GPs visit because I think it's important that the children have time alone with their other GPs. My GC love them and enjoy their visits because they are the interesting, exciting GPs
and it was they who got a special letter at Christmas not us who see them all the time
Perhaps you should have a quiet word with your son, but don't think that because you live further away you can't have a close relationship with your grandchildren. Children can't have too many people who love them and I genuinly don't understand the Grandparent wars!

Gransthebest Mon 30-Dec-19 20:02:16

#Hi there
It was the other grandparents face timing the grandchildren not the parents

Gransthebest Mon 30-Dec-19 20:05:31

Just saw your other post correcting your mistake

ayokunmi1 Mon 30-Dec-19 21:33:22

Talk to you son your Daughter in law is not being very nice either they all know whats happening your son ahould take charge of this .
Very nasty what was done by the other grand parents

Naty Mon 30-Dec-19 21:39:54

Your post isn't very clear at times, but from what I gather, I think I can formulate an opinion.

I think you should just ask directly if you can babysit once a month or so for half a day or even a full day.

Be aware that parents often don't have enough time with their own kids. They parents and their kids are the most important to consider.

Be aware that DIL has more of a say than anybody involved. Don't squabble or compare or be petty because you'll get pushback.

Don't answer the FaceTime app when the other set call. And then call back when YOU are ready. Easy breezy "oh, we had a nice time. The kids are back home if you want to call them..."

I hope you can rise above any real or imagined competition.

Saggi Tue 31-Dec-19 08:04:13

I have two grandchildren ( 12 and 8) and am the only grandparents of same. I take and fetch from school ...cook dinners... attend concerts, plays, musical events, sports days, dentist app, take to hospital appointments sometimes , only when parents are unavailable ( my daughter works a great deal away from home).... I ‘pick up’ enormous amounts of ‘slack’ as my daughter calls it. And she’s right , and sometimes I wish my counterpart grandparents hadn’t died in their forty’s/ sixties , so they were here to help..... but...I think of my son-in-law who has lived a long time (30 years) without a dad and now 12 years without a mum... and I push-on.... I would hate NOT to be able to help with them as I know in a couple more years they are going to be well able to cope without their ‘nan’...but it is tiring and time consuming sometimes. So I suppose what I’m trying to say is be very careful what you wish for and be extremely thankful when you do see them. By the way ... the Boxing Day thing was incredibly selfish on their part.

Blinko Wed 01-Jan-20 09:37:49

We're the distant GPs, the other GPs live in the same location. They see the GKs every day, have them for meals, cook for the family, etc. We have offered to stay over and help, that fell on deaf ears.

So we've learned to take a back seat. I agree with an earlier post, that as parents of sons, DiLs family will inevitably come first, especially if they are close by.

It's the way of the world, I'm afraid. I never wished for a daughter till we had GCs....

suzied Wed 01-Jan-20 09:53:43

For one set of our GC we are the closest, as other GPS live in a different country. Every holiday the children visit them and have a marvellous time, whilst we do the day to day school/ nursery runs and cook the fish fingers. Another set of GC we are the ones they come to on holiday and we have some lovely days out. Just being the physically closest doesn’t mean you have more fun or have a better relationship. It’s swings and roundabouts.

curvygran950 Sat 04-Jan-20 17:37:18

Please, please make the most of the precious time you have with your grandchildren ,even if you are upset and annoyed with the other grandparents. Please be very grateful that your grandchildren are in the same country as you - my only beloved grand daughter [nearly 2] lives in Melbourne, Australia and I feel lucky that I am able to see her for about 3 weeks (at most )every year. My son and dil try to FaceTime very week or so, and send photos regularly so we try not to feel too far away, but nothing, absolutely nothing makes up for not being able to cuddle her and get to know her!