controlling DIL--desperate for support/advice

Aww, that’s good AngelD perhaps he’s been reading these posts! Hope all goes well.

EMMF1948 wed 1st jan ...good posts!

Hithere agnursr ... typical repetitive post unhelpful in the extreme, boring at best.

There was a lack of support for the OP OutsideDave and it's interesting to note that those who were so quick to judge, you for example accusing her of "using sly ways" to make her d.i.l. look bad, have not commented since she told us that her son has recognised that his and his wife's treatment of her was wrong.

"As for those finding fault with the son and DIL- there were at least 3 I counted (happy bumble bee, Emmf and jomarie) so perhaps those upset about the lack of support for OP should go back and re-read."

I was talking about finding fault Outside Dave. I was talking about responsibility! There is a difference!

Yes it is Madgran. I wonder if any of the posters who gave Angela a less than sympathetic response will have anything to say.

but he was able to be honest about that too.

Actually, the fact that he is able to do that is a compliment to the way he was brought up!

That's great news Angela. I'm glad that not only was your son able to see that the way you've been treated has been undeserved, but he was able to be honest about that too.

I hope that things now settle down and you can all enjoy your lovely family, together.

OP means Original poster AngelD

I am so pleased to hear that you have had a chat with your son

Forums are a mixed bag really; best to listen, think carefully about all comments and be open to constructive criticism and then go with whatever resonates for you. Good luck for future family time

First of all, what does OP mean? I can't seem to figure that one out.

I've been watching the posts, trying to make sense of them all. But, honestly, I'm not sure what to say. I'm new to forums, only reached out once before because I was beyond figuring out what to do, which was the case now, and I'm not sure if I'm liking it.

I "hear" empathy, understanding, caring suggestions and constructive criticism, all of which I truly respect and appreciate. However, I'm also detecting sarcasm and outright criticism. I was under the impression "if you can't say anything nice, don't write"? I thought this is a place of support not a place where one receives further criticism? Just food for thought.

Anyway, wanted you all to know that my DS called me today to apologize for the way they've been treating me, and that, according to him, I didn't deserve any of it, and dislikes himself for acting this way. Then we discussed what we learned from it and how we could try to solve future problems.

Giving him space was definitely helpful. In the meantime, my DH and I followed up with some suggestions and did a bunch of stuff together to focus on each other.

Thanks for listening.

No fun to blame your own child, or accept they might have grown up and find fault with you. Much simpler and less distressing to blame that evil controlling DIL and her hormones ???

As for those finding fault with the son and DIL- there were at least 3 I counted (happy bumble bee, Emmf and jomarie) so perhaps those upset about the lack of support for OP should go back and re-read.

Why are you blaming your DIL? Why not put blame to your son?

I've been reading through this thread and agree that BradfordLass has given an excellent response.

I just want to say that hormones have a lot to answer for and also people do change once they become parents.
The dynamics in the family change. It has to really for being responsible parents is a huge life changer.

I'm seeing this with our DD a great deal at present. She has much stronger views than before and she never asks my advice or opinion, ever. She gives out plenty.

I would try not to be too sensitive about their unreasonable behaviour. Stand up for yourself, by all means when you are accused unjustly. Since when did feeding a hungry child become an offence!

It might help to know the "list" and the rules to the home purchase. To me, it's not wise to ruminate over what's been done for them in moving house, support, or financial. Either do it because it's good or don't bother.

Great post BradfordLass.

I agree Madgran that apart from you "no one else appears to think that the son/DIL have any responsibility in this relationship at all", but I can't say it amazes me, as this is all too often the case here on GN.

A mother, who is also a m.i.l. and GM, is rarely seen as anything other than the one who is responsible for any ongoing problems.

As you posted earlier, why was the OP wrong giving her GC food not provided by the parents when they hadn't given her enough before they left the child with her?

I too hope that you can get things sorted out Angel and I hope you take on board Bradfordlass' advice and protect yourself as much as you can.

BradfordLass Wise advice. It has amazed me on this thread that apart from my own comments at the beginning of the thread, noone else appears to think that the son/DIL have any responsibility in this relationship atall.(dont think I have missed any, apologies if I have) I still hope the family can talk, listen and sort it out but your advice re protecting themselves may well be best .

Norah my comment linked purely to what parents want re eg FB, food etc. I agree with you re doing as ask re space, which OP says they are

Here's a radical suggestion, how about considering that you are doing nothing wrong?

That the resentment your dil feels and the determination to tell you that you're wrong all comes from some envious place in her head that you cannot fathom?

Your son says he must support his wife and that's fine and dandy but clearly he feels that support means siding with her against you. He hasn't worked out yet that supporting her does not necessary mean putting you down.

I could give you at least 4 different reasons for that, not one of them anything to do with you being at fault.

I don't see anything in your posts which would lead a reasonable person to feel you were doing anything other than your absolute best.
Goodness know they could have a mother/mother-in-law who makes their lives miserable.

They don't know how lucky they are.

For your own sake though , pull back a bit.

I know you will miss your darling wee boy but frankly I don't think any course of action is ever going to guarantee that you see him as regularly and for as long as you would like. So you might as well protect yourself and take the stress off your husband's shoulders too.

All I can say is that they could’ve never bought their own house if it wasn’t for us.

Was that because of a gift?

Or because Of a loan with strings?

It’s time to let go of some expectations. If your son promised equal visits, then he’s the one letting you down. Not your DIL

Not fridge, grudge

OP won't share it. She is still busy vilifying her dil - the fridge comment, "she is hypersensitive", etc.

Just the statement of "they wouldn't have a house if it wasn't for us" says everything.
I wonder if that is one of the stupid things OP does that his son was referring to.

They gave them a list. They have asked for space. They can not do the things on the list they were asked to stop doing, and to be safe expand the list a bit and think about similar scenarios and big picture issues and avoid those sorts of interactions as well. It would be helpful if op could share the list.

Naty posted good notions, things my DD think.

My own family have zero attachment to my responses and do exactly what I ask them to do. No more. No less.

I would call the MIL to ask her to come hold the baby in the afternoon and she'd show up 2 hours early.... So I stopped calling to ask.

We told her about the baby getting a vaccine, so she texted, called AND tried to drop by while I was dealing with my screaming baby. No. We haven't told her about any more vaccinations or appointments. It's too much checking up on me. If I tell my own family about the vaccines, they'll shoot me a quick text. They know that if I need them, I'll ask.

With my family, there is no clinging to me out of insecurity or demanding or expecting anything of me.

These are small things, but these annoyances = a headache for an already overloaded mother of a young baby. As a new mom, I don't want to deal with ANYTHING remotely difficult, stressful or annoying.

Follow her lead because if you insist, she will resist.

Smileless, I'm sorry, I missed that, buried near to the end.

But on another note at Christmas "we saw the little guy for a total of 5 hours at our house and a few hours more at family gatherings. We saw our son once."
OP does have access. I'm not sure to the problem, they gave space and did see their son, all is good?

And in the OP, the OP said "we are giving them their space as requested".

Madgran77 She said that her son "got mad at me and required for me to give them space." He did tell her what he wanted, space.