My husband and I are stuck and don't know what to do. Just over a year ago, our GS was born very premature. I know his parents went through hell. Although there may be a few possible health concerns, he's pretty much caught up with his birth age and is absolutely adorable. even though I was a punching bag for the duration of his hospital stay and, consequently walked on eggshells, things settled down well and we spent a lot of time together. Him and I created quite a bond.
But, since she's pregnant again, things have seriously gone down the drain. They live 2 1/2 hrs away from us in a small town. Due to her prior premature birth, they've decided for her to continue to see their local OBYGN and she and her baby come to town regularly, staying with her mom. Although her parents live only about 25 min from us, we rarely see them. Apparently the main reason is that I seem to constantly do or say something that she doesn't like, (or wrong, in their eyes). She's on progesterone and, apparently, it's been making her very emotional and sensitive. Plus, I'm sure the fear of another premature birth scares the hell out of her. A couple of months ago, she found the courage to tell a list of all the things I seem to do wrong from her perspective. Although it was very painful and confusing for me, I encouraged her to tell when she feels I'm doing or saying something wrong. I'm a very conscientious person, always reflecting on my behaviour in an attempt to improve myself. Everyone who has observed my interacting with our GS, including my daughter & SIL, husband, etc. can't seem to find any fault in what I'm doing. I'm doing my absolute best to follow her lead, ask questions, apologize if I think I've done something wrong, etc. But that doesn't seem to be good enough or improve the situation.
Now she's convinced my son of the same. He, in turn, got mad at me and required for me to give them space. When we do have family gatherings, he (more than her) is either rude to me or ignores me. This past Christmas, while they were here for nearly three weeks, we saw the little guy for a total of 5 hours at our house and a few hours more at family gatherings. We saw our son once.
The very sad part is, that we bent backwards to help them move, support them financially, etc. Not only that, my son and DIL lived with us for over two years, yet she's refusing to stay with us, even though I bought everything necessary for a baby to sleep here. Plus, my son always talked very negatively and disapprovingly about his PILs, despising them. Apparently they were the reason they moved away in the first place, and now, they only stay there and we rarely see them. When they moved away, he made a solemn promise to keep it equal between the two families. The only good thing is that my GS and I developed enough of a relationship that he automatically gravitates toward me whenever he sees me, even if it's been weeks.
For the first time ever, my husband is confused and doesn't understand or know what to do. We've always been a very close-knit family.
We have not invited them, phoned them. We are giving them their space as requested.
My biggest fear is that my very calm and objective husband, who is feeling rejected, hurt and angry, is going to do something rash that could possibly sever the already fragile relationship because my son us virtually unable to recognize when he's done wrong and rectify the situation.
I'm open to suggestions.
Norah you both should just do as they ask?
Yes but the parents do actually need to communicate what they want as well. GPs cant work it all out by Osmosis!!
Maybe view that your son has done nothing wrong, rather your DH should just calm down and you both should just do as they ask?
Rather than beating them over the head with your idea of fair why not release your resentment and accept equal and fair are t the same thing??
ok this is not a comment on OP, ive tried to do that upthread. just some generalised observations from much reading of GN and MN, and RL.
mothers always blame DIL. its never their son's fault, whatever it is. the DIL is controlling, cold, distant, unreasonable, even greedy by hogging newborn baby.
MIL adores, to the point of idolatry the GC, esp GS. they have to get past the nasty DIL to get to adorable GC.
whatever their son says/ does the DIL has made him do it.
Oh and don't ask too many questions. Let her volunteer information.
If you want to arrange something, text the DIL and say something like "if you are free sometime soon, perhaps after your next appointment, please come for lunch. I'd love to see you.." or something to that effect.
I will say that my in-laws became very concerned with my baby after the birth and not at all with me. Whereas my own family is visiting me and the baby. There is a difference.
Hmmm I posted about an MIL stopping by unannounced.
I think it has over 200 replies, including lots of responses from me under ask a gran...
I'm sorry to hurt your feelings but you sound a tiny bit paranoid and over bearing.
I had a baby and then my in-laws started being a bit too possessive and around too much without considering me and my baby's time together. They've felt pushback and are better now.
My advice:
Have zero expectations and you won't be disappointed.
Buying stuff for a nursery shouldn't mean they owe you anything. Helping them with the house was a lovely thing to do, but you can't own their time or their offspring.
If my MIL started asking me what was wrong all the time, I'd avoid her. I wouldn't want to be stressed out by all that questioning. I'd want an easy relationship. And admittedly, my easy relationships are with MY family. Stress free, fun and light.
Don't kiss the kid (herpes, germs) and only feed him when and what they say to feed him (when in doubt, ask/text).
My MIL is a bit too insistent on her own way. She wants everything just so because it is often a lovely solution, but NOT what I want, need or ask for at the time (i.e. insisting that I have tea she's made instead of the water I've asked for...or insisting I eat warmed food rather than giving me room temperature food that I've requested several times because the baby can't wait for it to be heated). Insisting I stay an extra few minutes to look through blankets to select for the baby while my child is about to explode.
My own family have zero attachment to my responses and do exactly what I ask them to do. No more. No less.
I would call the MIL to ask her to come hold the baby in the afternoon and she'd show up 2 hours early.... So I stopped calling to ask.
We told her about the baby getting a vaccine, so she texted, called AND tried to drop by while I was dealing with my screaming baby. No. We haven't told her about any more vaccinations or appointments. It's too much checking up on me. If I tell my own family about the vaccines, they'll shoot me a quick text. They know that if I need them, I'll ask.
With my family, there is no clinging to me out of insecurity or demanding or expecting anything of me.
These are small things, but these annoyances = a headache for an already overloaded mother of a young baby. As a new mom, I don't want to deal with ANYTHING remotely difficult, stressful or annoying.
Follow her lead because if you insist, she will resist.
You are avoiding the main question - what is the list of grievances your dil shared with you
Your MIL and you managed your relationship in one way. The fact that your dh didn't stand up for you and supported you vs his mother is shameful.
What you did is in the past. You are not your MIL and your dil is not you.
You don't know what is going on in your dils head, how much she is struggling, it's not about you or what you have done or given. Let her heal. You had a great relationship before, let her get through this traumatic time and hopefully things will go back to how they were. They won't if you hold grudges as you accuse her of doing the same. As a mum I give my children what I can, I wouldn't tell anonymously what that is let alone hold it over my children now or in the future. We are the parents, we brought them into the world, but we don't own them and they done owe us.
It's impossible to keep thing equal without giving up family time.
We tried this when dd1 was little and we found that we spent most of our weekends with one family or the other and not getting enough time together.
Thank you for all your feedback.
A couple of clarifications.
“Gravitating toward me”: meaning, in group/family situations he’ll come to me first before anyone else. When crawling around, he looks to find me if he’s surrounded by too many unfamiliar people. Of course he’ll go to his parents first! It just gives me a warm feeling that, even though I don’t see him often, he remembers me well.
Our relationship with DIL: we were second parents to her. We travelled together, lots of camping, as per request, we’d go stay with them to help them with their new house, etc. Since she’s pregnant again, I do everything wrong. The sad part is, I’m constantly asking and she doesn’t say anything at the time. Two months later it comes up. Apparently my son told her not to worry about the small stuff, but she told me she holds grudges for a long time.
I understand her need to be with her mom, and, maybe it would be less painful if they hadn’t promised to keep the visits equal between her parents and us.
And yes, I believe she’s hypersensitive, but I do think it’s my son’s responsibility to reassure her that we honestly don’t mean any harm and are doing our best. Once told, we never repeat anything again that we’re told not to do.
My DMIL and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but I made sure to keep the visits as equal as possible so that there wasn’t any resentment. My DH would’ve flipped if his parents didn’t see their GC as much as mine. I suffered severely from PPD and just had to suck it up.
However, we are keeping our distance. For now, neither of us are planning to lend a hand or provide them with anything. All I can say is that they could’ve never bought their own house if it wasn’t for us.
My sip had her first just over a year ago 6 weeks premature and is similar. He's a lovely.boy but he is very behind and there is clearly some sort of development issue there. We had our second a few months later and that's when issue started for us.
There is nothing you can do except give them space but continue to show you care. Send the odd text asking how they all are an dhow the pregnancy is and when you do see them, just treasure the time.
AngelD I really believe that there is a need for careful listening and consideration of behaviours for all involved in this scenario. Worried upset hurting grandparents have made mistakes but so have stressed worried parents! I really hope that you can sort it all out. 
Your DIL doesn’t owe you a sleep over because you kitted out a nursery. She doesn’t owe you a visit because she’s ‘nearby’ visiting her doctor. Her priority is her health and her unborn baby’s health. Not your feelings of fairness. Your son is being a good husband and father and caring for his wife. If you want honest feedback on your behavior it’s doubtful you’ll get it from your spouse or other children. I’d suggest a therapist, someone close in age to your DIL. As this stage your DIL needs to save all of her emotional and physical energy to care for her LO
And growing baby, not assuaging your emotional demands.
Your poor DIL. I agree with hithere. I think you’ve found sly ways to make clear to DIL how ‘unreasonable’ and ‘unfair’ she is. She’s not controlling she’s being a mum. If your husband wants to guarantee you never see or speak to your son and his family again; go right ahead and let him Tell them off for their ‘disrespect’. See how far it gets you 
im on their side.
you sound over-involved and controlling.
look at the emotive language you use. describing the DIL as controlling, saying you were a punch-bag, had to walk on egg shells etc. you were obviously annoying them during the pregnancy but they had more important things to cope with than spend energy trying to deal with you then. so they had to tolerate it. now the child is home, in their care, away from the hospital, their first concern is keeping him well. that is probably why they don't want anyone else kissing him, he may be extra vulnerable to infection. also he may have sensory issues, his skin may be hyper-sensitive thus making everyday contact painful.
they may seem over-protective to you, but that is their prerogative, they are the parents not you. also I know it can be very distressing to even have to mention the details of health problems that a dear LO has, so they may not have told you about all the issues.
anyway, whether or not its health related, they have the absolute right to parent him how they choose. they don't have to give reasons, or justify it. you talk about what you did in your fmily, kissing, playing etc. that is all irrelevant. you present it as the norm from which they are unreasonably deviating. that is the problem. your attitude, sense of entitlement is the problem. leave them alone. try to respect their decisions. you are heading for complete NC if you continue with this toxic dynamic.
I don't doubt you love the GS, but that's not enough. til he can choose and go where he likes, you can only see him with the permission of his parents. and if you never see him because you have alienated them with your attitude, then he will not be bothered to go see you when he is grown.
sorry to be blunt. but you sound rather thick skinned. your choice is stark; do you want to be in contact with GS or not.
Hithere yes that may be the case; if it is then either the parents have to communicate more clearly or the grandparents have to listen better! Who knows.
Madgran77,
I agree, unwise to leave the child with grandparents who may be unsafe.
It happens often: family pressure, giving grandparents a chance to babysit, fog (fear obligation guilt) etc.
I get the impression that you think you have certain "rights" because of all you have given them. Were those actually gifts? If they had strings attached, as you suggest, they weren't "gifts".
I do agree agnurse that gifts should not come with strings and if they do then they are not gifts! However I also think that if someone is willing to take help and support from another then there is an onus on them to consider the other persons feelings and needs in a relationship; relationships are a two way process not all take and no give. Ofcourse we have only one view so there may be more give than we know about.
In his reality, he may have to police you to make sure no harm comes to his child
Hitgere IF that is the case I cant imagine why they would even consider leaving the child with his grandparents; how unwise of them!
Yes ofcourse grandparents should ask ...but just as they have to try to remember/work out what to ask about, there is an onus on parents to facilitate their wishes for their child; the total onus is NOT on the grandparents to think of everything. So ..if the parents have FB rules, tell people so there are no risks of people involved with their child, inadvertently breaking them! They want their child to be given specific food/not be fed whilst they leave them with someone ... bring the "right" food or tell the minder no food to be given! Presumably if their child is crying with hunger then the parents will also accept the responsibility for that too!
My point is I really believe that there is a need for careful listening and consideration of behaviours for all involved in this scenario. Worried upset hurting grandparents have made mistakes but so have stressed worried parents!! I really hope that this family can sort it all out
Play the long game * AngelD*. DIL is clearly struggling, and I think you’ve tried too hard, to the point that your help and support could be seen as controlling, as agnurse has said. I think you’ve naturally wanted to help, and probably saw it as building up a good relationship, and are now just shocked at the outcome, but there is clearly another way of looking at it, and maybe your DIL sees this “ other “ way. Like I said before, she may just be overwhelmed and needs space.
I get the impression that you think you have certain "rights" because of all you have given them. Were those actually gifts? If they had strings attached, as you suggest, they weren't "gifts".
Given that GS was premature, I can totally see her not wanting you to kiss him on the cheek. It also sounds as if you made his first birthday all about you.
As far as "keeping it fair", it really isn't any of your business how much time they spend with her family. How many times did your children tell you growing up, "But so-and-so gets to have/go to/do X! Why can't I?" What was your response then? Do you realize that's how you sound?
OF COURSE your son is going to support his wife. That's what husbands are supposed to do. That's his primary family now. His wife is pregnant, they've already had one preterm birth, and she is likely understandably worried. PLEASE leave them alone for the foreseeable future. Keep in mind that if your husband does something totally out of line, it could have serious ramifications, including a permanent NC.
Sometimes people tend to focus on how their behaviour is being snubbed rather than changing the behaviour. Different people have different needs. I have children who are all very different and have different needs so I have to change my behaviour to suit not bulldose through life expecting them to put up with me. Focusing on how people's reactions to my behaviour hurt me is counterproductive... I'm responsible for it, not them for how it impacts them.
I don't see any mentioned actions as controlling. They are just reassessing their parenting rules, which is their right. Their kid, their rules.
The gs 1 year old post in fb was after or before being told of no fb at all for their child?
If it was after- you messed up big time. There is no need to mention a rule to an offender for the second time without adding resentment and friction to the relationship.
Kissing their child: it is not unusual for parents to limit who kisses the baby due to health reasons - herpes, if you smoke, for example
Again, not controlling.
The food incident - maybe something the baby ate did not sit well? Not enough details. Never assume and ask the parents.
The phones - not controlling
Your son and dil may have an app for the child to play, not just the the phone.
By only playing with their phones, they also limit the amount of time baby is exposed to screens.
"Mommy is not hurting you"
What a strange statement. As humans, we mention things that cross our minds. Why would you ever think she would hurt her child?
Yes, i would take offense for that too.
Would you have said "daddy is not hurting you?" if it was your son changing his child?
How about saying - "don't worry baby, it will be over soon" or "don't worry baby, you will be warm soon"
Your son says you do stupid things all the time. In his reality, he may have to police you to make sure no harm comes to his child. It is exhausting and unnecessary.
Does the meaning of "stupid" mean the same for you and for dil and son?
Do you acknowledge and recognize all the actions that are seen stupid on their side as stupid on yours? You only mention messing up twice.
You also mention your bond with their child and how close you are and how he gravitated around you.
This is worrisome. The main bond of a baby is with the parents and siblings (nuclear family), not an external family member.
In your title, you blame your dil for being controlling, when your son also doesn't approve of your actions. Typical " my son is being brainwashed by my dil"
Your dil is pregnant and the last thing she needs is worry about this continuous friction. I don't blame her.
You are way too involved in their lives and pushing back.
Follow their lead and you will have a better relationship. Always ask, never assume.
It is natural that she gravitates more to her own parents than to you
If he were to gravitate more towards his family then I can guarantee that she would go ballistic, such is the attitude of many women.
If you read Mumsnet you'll see that a very large number of women expect their partner to almost break of relationships with 'his' family, only her family counts for anything. He is also expected to 'support' her, ie to agree with everything she says evenif he doesn't.
It's not easy, I have only daughters but I do see that she tries hard to keep his side of the family informed etc but she seems to be one of a minority.
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