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controlling DIL--desperate for support/advice

(92 Posts)
AngelD Tue 31-Dec-19 21:38:29

My husband and I are stuck and don't know what to do. Just over a year ago, our GS was born very premature. I know his parents went through hell. Although there may be a few possible health concerns, he's pretty much caught up with his birth age and is absolutely adorable. even though I was a punching bag for the duration of his hospital stay and, consequently walked on eggshells, things settled down well and we spent a lot of time together. Him and I created quite a bond.
But, since she's pregnant again, things have seriously gone down the drain. They live 2 1/2 hrs away from us in a small town. Due to her prior premature birth, they've decided for her to continue to see their local OBYGN and she and her baby come to town regularly, staying with her mom. Although her parents live only about 25 min from us, we rarely see them. Apparently the main reason is that I seem to constantly do or say something that she doesn't like, (or wrong, in their eyes). She's on progesterone and, apparently, it's been making her very emotional and sensitive. Plus, I'm sure the fear of another premature birth scares the hell out of her. A couple of months ago, she found the courage to tell a list of all the things I seem to do wrong from her perspective. Although it was very painful and confusing for me, I encouraged her to tell when she feels I'm doing or saying something wrong. I'm a very conscientious person, always reflecting on my behaviour in an attempt to improve myself. Everyone who has observed my interacting with our GS, including my daughter & SIL, husband, etc. can't seem to find any fault in what I'm doing. I'm doing my absolute best to follow her lead, ask questions, apologize if I think I've done something wrong, etc. But that doesn't seem to be good enough or improve the situation.
Now she's convinced my son of the same. He, in turn, got mad at me and required for me to give them space. When we do have family gatherings, he (more than her) is either rude to me or ignores me. This past Christmas, while they were here for nearly three weeks, we saw the little guy for a total of 5 hours at our house and a few hours more at family gatherings. We saw our son once.
The very sad part is, that we bent backwards to help them move, support them financially, etc. Not only that, my son and DIL lived with us for over two years, yet she's refusing to stay with us, even though I bought everything necessary for a baby to sleep here. Plus, my son always talked very negatively and disapprovingly about his PILs, despising them. Apparently they were the reason they moved away in the first place, and now, they only stay there and we rarely see them. When they moved away, he made a solemn promise to keep it equal between the two families. The only good thing is that my GS and I developed enough of a relationship that he automatically gravitates toward me whenever he sees me, even if it's been weeks.
For the first time ever, my husband is confused and doesn't understand or know what to do. We've always been a very close-knit family.
We have not invited them, phoned them. We are giving them their space as requested.
My biggest fear is that my very calm and objective husband, who is feeling rejected, hurt and angry, is going to do something rash that could possibly sever the already fragile relationship because my son us virtually unable to recognize when he's done wrong and rectify the situation.
I'm open to suggestions.

Msida Sun 11-Oct-20 11:32:43

Dear Angel You can not control their behaviour, you can only control yours.

It sounds to me that you are a good person trying your best.. We ALL makes mistakes including your son and his wife, in fact they are naki g a big one right now by being a bit mean to you.

Are they bad people, possibly not, possibly they are over whelmed with their challenges and are not thinking straight.

Definitely true to say that his wife can make him think how she is thinking, happens all the time, happens to all of us, our husbands and wives do influence us.

Going forward what I believe you should do and what I would do is get some space between you all. It does work well sometimes and will alloy everyone to Breathe and take a break from the Horrid situation.

It might be that even after the break things do not improve and what that might tell you is that you are dealing with the un responsibile people.

If that is the case you hopefully will still be able to see the grandchildren, you could just simply offer to take them out for the day and hopefully they agree to that

So success xoykd mean alot less interaction with son and dil and focus on your grandchildren

It is entirely possible to still see your grandchildren will little interaction with son and dil, seperated couples do it all of the time

I feel for you in this situation because the reason you are in this situation is that family/ your grandchildren are important to you, and its Horrid feeling powerless and its Horrid to have fears that they can say whether or not you see your grandchildren

And just finally Angel you can only do your best, try not to get caught up in it too much and accept that all You can do and continue to do is your best and stay present in your grandchildrens lives because your love for them is needed and important.

eyek80 Fri 09-Oct-20 18:54:52

VERY concerned about your husband doing something rash. You sound just like my MIL who thinks her husband, who has clear anger issues, and recently showed a surprising penchant to be physically violent (against his own son/my husband), is a "sweet" guy! She actually tries to brush off the VERY serious incident that occurred shortly before my son was born. I think they are still clueless as to why I am EXTREMELY strict with them, they'll never babysit and I will always be in the same room with them whenever they are with my child.

Unbelievable.

Dinahmo Wed 08-Jan-20 11:17:13

When my parents and my in laws were alive, they used to wait until we invited them to visit. They wouldn't have dreamed of calling in unexpectedly. Could have been embarrassing!

We used to telephone and tell them when we would visit which we used to do once month. We'd arrive in time for lunch, then go out somewhere together, back for tea and then we'd drive home. Pleasant times had by all.

I think these days our generation often forget that their DCs or GCs have lives of their own to lead.

HappyBumbleBee Mon 06-Jan-20 19:28:37

Thankyou for the update OP (original poster) x I'm really glad your son apologised - in my opinion he needed to x Hopefully you can ask move forwards and work together and things will now begin to settle x

Hazel731 Sun 05-Jan-20 19:40:14

Wrong posting sorry!

Hazel731 Sun 05-Jan-20 19:39:00

Do whatever owner says!

Naty Sun 05-Jan-20 19:07:41

If you only wanted positive responses, you should have stated that.

If you wanted honest opinions, your original post elicited exactly what people were thinking.

Norah Sun 05-Jan-20 14:03:50

AngelD It is nice your DS called and talked to you about whatever problems that caused him to ask for space. I hope you continue to give him space to be a parent, it is difficult to balance parenting, work, etc.

Abi30 Sun 05-Jan-20 07:58:40

Hi,

I am a DIL and read your post and think you’ve had some great feedback, especially from ‘hithere’ .

I had a very anxious filled time with my in laws in the first year of my daughters birth. I can’t imagine what your DIL is going through whilst also being pregnant. All I can say is that what you consider to be trivial can be interpreted as upsetting. If your son has asked for space then I would assume they consider your ways to be toxic at this time. Give them space, trust me they need it and your relationship with your DIL will be better in the long run. It’s so important that your relations with your DIL do get better as it will definitely effect how involved you are in future times. Their growing family is likely to be under so much worry already, the best thing you can do is be less of an emotional burden on them. Please don’t meddle, I suspect you had some kind of interference with your son apologising to you. I wonder how that made DIL feel. You are not your sons primary family any longer and you can assume that he will always stand by the mother of his children on things from now on. You probably know this already, but knowing this and letting go are two different things.

My advice would be to take a step back, give them space and wait for them to contact you. If you can swallow your pride and recognise that you have made mistakes and apologies for interfering I think it will go a long way in to receiving forgiveness, they will be far more lenient with you and your involvement. For future relations please don’t make any decisions or actions without consulting with the parents, don’t make any personal attacks or even subtle ones. Stick to neutral topics. You need to rebuild your relationship here. Perhaps an act of kindness would go along way.... DIY care package or hamper for DIL maybe?

I don’t know your DIL, but most mother’s want their children to have loving and caring grandparents in their lives. But you have to be a positive influence on their family, if your toxic to one, your toxic to all. Always ask the parents, never assume anything. Respect all requests and parental decisions, even if that means giving them space. If you can’t respect requests don’t expect them to respect you as an involved grandparent.

Good luck!

OutsideDave Sun 05-Jan-20 02:53:45

So true, Hithere. I’m sure my dh ‘apologized’ to his parents a few times in the early days of estrangement. It was so terribly uncomfortable for him to stand up to them about anything, no matter how upset he was with them, the only script he knew and the one he fell back on when stressed was deferring to them, apologizing for upsetting them, and agreeing that they were right after all. That was how he survived childhood and thus the only strategy he had when faced with them as an adult.

I’m wary of very easy reconciliations with no detail about what caused them to come to pass- ‘we discussed what we learned’- such as???? ‘We discusses how we could try to solve future problems’ again- what sorts of solutions? That would be helpful to share for folks dealing with similar issues. By all means when folks are able to reconcile they should feel confident in sharing in what specifically worked!

Smileless2012 Sat 04-Jan-20 22:20:03

I agree Madgran. It was good of Angel to update us with the good news about her son's apology and that they now seem to be moving on from this upset.

Good luck and best wishes Angelflowers.

Yennifer Sat 04-Jan-20 22:16:41

Otherwise OP is GIVING them a hard time for HAVING a hard time, if OP has said anything negative she should apologise too x

Yennifer Sat 04-Jan-20 22:14:18

Sometimes people are GIVING you a hard time and sometimes people are HAVING a hard time. It is the latter that tend to apologise for upset during this time. So I think OP is needing to remember that and not call dil controlling anything else negative etc x

Madgran77 Sat 04-Jan-20 20:55:10

To be honest at this stage, I am not even sure why the OP would be expected to give any further in formation. She is feeling that she can move forward with her family! She thanked people for their advice.

If she wants any further advice I assume she will ask for it. As it is, its good that they seem to be moving forward; good luck to all of them.

Hithere Sat 04-Jan-20 20:23:01

I accept what OP has said. I am not questioning her words.

I see gaps in her posts that need more accurate answers to be able to give more accurate feedback.

"Anyway, wanted you all to know that my DS called me today to apologize for the way they've been treating me, and that, according to him, I didn't deserve any of it, and dislikes himself for acting this way. Then we discussed what we learned from it and how we could try to solve future problems. "

Very vague, again.
How has son been treating her? Or was it dil - something she did? Was he loud, raising his voice, ignoring her, rolling her eyes at her, cursing at her, not playing the board games she wanted after dinner, not washing his hands before eating (now, this is a joke ?)

I am glad OP found a resolution to her family issues.

That conversation and the list dil gave her contain the key to this problem.

Plenty of adult kids apologize for their reactions to the parents' actions, not giving them a pass for the parents' actions.
Others are in the fog.
Others did something wrong and take responsibility for it.
Again, we cannot assume what the son apologized for.

Madgran77 Sat 04-Jan-20 20:21:15

Assumptions are deadly and heavily based on how each person reads the posts.

That is certainly true! Objectivity and careful consideration of the facts that we do have, from the OPs perspective, would certainly be constructive when anyone is commenting on threads...not just this one!!

Smileless2012 Sat 04-Jan-20 20:04:00

I agree Hithere but that doesn't stop people from making judgements does it.

I have taken on board what the OP said about the conversation she had with her son, the reason for his call being that he feels bad about the way she's been treated. So I "know" as much as you do.

Why can't you just accept what the OP has said? Who are you to make a judgement that "there are many reasons why he called his mother and apologized"?

Madgran77 Sat 04-Jan-20 19:59:42

My point was that other replies didnt seem to be recognising that both parties might have responsibility for aspects of the problems. So finding fault with only one party, which in my view was not appropriate in this case on the basis of information provided, is putting ALL the responsibility on one party whilst apparently ignoring the responsibilities of the other party.

I do, like you, have great sympathy for the DIL (and son) in this situation. However I dont think that sympathy, empathy or their situation justifies ignoring their responsibilities when commenting on the OPs concerns and request for advice.

It is good that things appear to be moving on and hopefully DIL will feel able to move forward too, if her husband is including her in how things are moving forward, conversations and decisions.

Hithere Sat 04-Jan-20 19:57:04

Smileless,
How do you know how the son feels?

There are many reasons why he called his mother and apologized.
OP's posts are very vague, no details or facts are shared, only her feelings and judgement about the situation.
We do not know what was said in that call - who said what?

Assumptions are deadly and heavily based on how each person reads the posts.

Smileless2012 Sat 04-Jan-20 19:52:19

I think it's reasonable to assume that the OP's son feels he's been out of line or he wouldn't have apologised for the way his mother has been treated, that she didn't deserve it and he dislikes himself for behaving in the way he has OutsideDave.

I don't find the OP's update "vague"; she also said they'd talked about what they'd learned and how they could solve any further problems.

OutsideDave Sat 04-Jan-20 19:43:27

Madgran, it seems that by finding fault they ARE assigning responsibility. If you think that both parties are responsible for the relationship, (which most folks do) then finding fault with one party assumes that that party holds responsibility, do they not?

OutsideDave Sat 04-Jan-20 19:40:55

Oh dear Smileless, sorry to disappoint but seeing as how I’m in a different time zone from most posters- sorry to have left you waiting hmm

I’m interested in more about this call, Angel. I’m glad he apologized for treating you rudely. Did his wife agree as you said he apologized for ‘them’- I wonder what was said exactly. It’s always curious when posters who provide so many specific details in their initial posts provide such vague updates. Hopefully space will continue to be helpful, your son will take responsibility for his own behavior (assuming he does feel he was out of line), and that he was able to speak for your DIL. I find it interesting that you didn’t hear from her especially since your issue seems to be with her, although you only mentioned your son being rude specifically. Thinking good thoughts for your DIL and the new baby during this very stressful time.

Hetty58 Sat 04-Jan-20 17:10:51

AngelD, you said ' I thought this is a place of support not a place where one receives further criticism'. Doesn't support include pointing out where you may be going wrong?

Criticism can be very constructive. There's little point in receiving only sympathetic and positive feedback is there? Getting mixed responses may help you reflect on how you can change in the future. Nobody is perfect. We can all improve!

Yennifer Sat 04-Jan-20 16:54:29

That's good for you OP and good for them too because hopefully they can deal with all the enourmas pressure that his been on them lately now they realise its effect on how they are behaving. You can also be a real help now that the air is clear x

Madgran77 Sat 04-Jan-20 16:48:04

I was talking about finding fault Outside Dave

That was meant to say "wasn't"!