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It's much worse being a granny. Help!!!!

(9 Posts)
Harmonygranny Sat 04-Jan-20 17:29:19

Today 16:57Harmonygranny

I've only had time to read a few of other's experiences over the "festive" season, but some seem to echo my experience.
Call me Scrooge if you like, but I've never particularly enjoyed the materialism fest, over-hyped advert and alcohol fuelled bore that is Christmas. too often leading to family rifts and exposure to the worst of human nature.

And now I'm a granny it's worse.

•Did three full days of cooking, plus brought other things pre-prepped and frozen. DIL never does, or did, lift a finger to help. (Difficult to hint to her: she needs yelling at straight in her ear but I'm too disliking off confrontation to do it).
•Fell foul of rigid and unyielding parenting rules that led to baby screaming all day and expectations that my husband and I could distract him. If course we couldn't: he just wanted comfort and cuddles from his distant mother.
•Realisation that my son is now saddled to a manipulative control freak, who wants to force everyone to bend to her will, to make her own life easier.
So this was Christmas.
Somehow - anyhow - never again!!! Can anyone offer an alternative off-the-wall plan that gets me off the hook next year?
Yours sincerely (not feeling it) "Harmony" Granny. 💖

Today 17:06crazyfam

so sad. Its not a good world for everyone. You did a very good thing to help and feel upset. Its not your fault as sometimes others are so ungrateful. I sent my Grandaughter presents and my daughter said they were no use. Pygamas and hat scarf and gloves as she had £150 last xmas for an organ and i gave her less this year. I asked that the things be returned, saw them today but daughter forgot to bring presents. It will be months till i see them again.

Today 17:17Susieq62

My partner has 3 sons, all in steady relationships, one with 2 daughters. I have one daughter who is single. My daughter always invites us for Christmas or for the weekend as she lives 109 miles away. The sons are all within 10 minutes drive. You can guess the rest. We did not see the sons over Christmas at all. They entertained their mum though. We never receive invites for a drink or meal or even a mince pie and sherry. Daughter came for Christmas, brought gifts, food, alcohol etc.
Consequently , we have booked to go away next Christmas as that’s what we want to do. Daughter will join us when she finishes work as there is room in the rental.
I think we overcompensate at Christmas and now we all need to look after ourselves after being unselfish for so many years.



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Hetty58 Sat 04-Jan-20 21:17:22

I'd suggest going out for the meal next year. Invite them to arrive a couple of hours earlier for drinks and nibbles. Tell them that you're visiting friends afterwards!

NanaandGrampy Sat 04-Jan-20 21:21:26

I don’t understand all the comments in your post OP?

mcem Sat 04-Jan-20 22:17:28

Why the strange format in op?

M0nica Sat 04-Jan-20 23:06:28

Simple solution. Do not do it again. If your DiL is a strict about the baby, it is best if she organises Christmas and hosts it. I suspect you will end up having a cosy Christmas for two in peace and quiet at home.

Everyone keeps harping on about dreadful commercialised Christmases. If you do not want to do it, don't do it. You are the one who makes the decisions about your Christmases. Do not do what you do not want to do, especially if you know that there will be problems ahead.

To be fair there will be problems if you decide on Christmas for 2, but at least you will get the Christmas of your choice at home - or you may choose to go away or even do nothing. But if you have someone difficult in the family, as you seem to do, design a Christmas that minimises the problem, like passing on the family Christmas day and letting them go to others or organise their own festivities.

Callistemon Sat 04-Jan-20 23:49:24

How many people are asking for advice?

Is this cut and pasted from another site?

Just book a hotel and go away.

BradfordLass72 Sun 05-Jan-20 03:14:42

Christmas is exactly what you make it. If you don't like the materialism, don't buy into it.

If you don't want to cook - buy everything in or just eat as normal.

If you don't get on with family membeer, don't invite them to your home but suggest, if you like, that you meet on neutral ground (local restaurant) for a meal. That way, you can leave if anyone makes a fuss.

Learn by mistakes; that's what mistakes are for, so you don't make them again.

Go away at Christmas; depending on your budget and look what you'll save when you don't need to buy extra food and gifts.

If you can't go away, tell barefaced lies to unwelcome people and say you intend going to (pick a nice venue). A lie is better than 3 days of torture.

Don't answer the landline, don't open the door.

Enjoy Christmas 2020.

Doodledog Sun 05-Jan-20 04:11:53

Maybe ask your son, or your husband, instead of your DIL to help? Of the three, she is more of a guest in your house, so probably the least likely to know where things are, or how you like things to be done.

When the baby wanted a cuddle from his 'distant mother', was his father distant, too? If not, why didn't he cuddle him? Or is it that they have both decided that controlled crying is the way to go? That wouldn't sit right with me, as I believe in picking up babies as soon as they cry, but that was my way, and I wouldn't have been pleased if my in-laws, or my parents had insisted on letting mine cry.

Each couple has to make these decisions for themselves, just as our generation did, and it is not your place to blame them for their choices - and IMO, it's even worse if you blame your DIL and not your son, who could very well have been part of the decision-making.

Refusing to tell your DIL what you want her to do to help, and not even hinting, could be seen by her as you being controlling, as she will always be in a position where what she does is potentially wrong - has she tried to please before and found that her guesswork was wide of the mark? Treading on eggshells is not relaxing at all, but unless people know what is expected of them, this is what they have to do. I'm sure your DIL is aware that you disapprove of her, which won't help the situation either.

If you want to have a family Christmas next year, why not ask very specifically for your son and his wife to provide X and Y, cooked and ready to heat up, and ask them what you can have ready that will distract the baby. If you do it in the spirit of co-operation it will probably be well-received. If you really don't want to do it again, you can either book a hotel, or just tell them that you and your husband want to have Christmas alone, and arrange to meet your family before or afterwards.

Be careful what you wish for, though. The baby will grow up very quickly, and if the norm becomes separate Christmases, you will miss out on the ones when he is a non-screaming and delightful child, and you might regret it.

Harmonygranny Sun 05-Jan-20 16:35:57

Thanks for taking the time to answer. Sorry, yes, I did cut and paste my thread from somewhere else and couldn't get rid of the superfluous comments!