It's much worse being a granny. Help!!!!

I'd suggest going out for the meal next year. Invite them to arrive a couple of hours earlier for drinks and nibbles. Tell them that you're visiting friends afterwards!

I don’t understand all the comments in your post OP?

Why the strange format in op?

Simple solution. Do not do it again. If your DiL is a strict about the baby, it is best if she organises Christmas and hosts it. I suspect you will end up having a cosy Christmas for two in peace and quiet at home.

Everyone keeps harping on about dreadful commercialised Christmases. If you do not want to do it, don't do it. You are the one who makes the decisions about your Christmases. Do not do what you do not want to do, especially if you know that there will be problems ahead.

To be fair there will be problems if you decide on Christmas for 2, but at least you will get the Christmas of your choice at home - or you may choose to go away or even do nothing. But if you have someone difficult in the family, as you seem to do, design a Christmas that minimises the problem, like passing on the family Christmas day and letting them go to others or organise their own festivities.

How many people are asking for advice?

Is this cut and pasted from another site?


Just book a hotel and go away.
Simple.

Christmas is exactly what you make it. If you don't like the materialism, don't buy into it.

If you don't want to cook - buy everything in or just eat as normal.

If you don't get on with family membeer, don't invite them to your home but suggest, if you like, that you meet on neutral ground (local restaurant) for a meal. That way, you can leave if anyone makes a fuss.

Learn by mistakes; that's what mistakes are for, so you don't make them again.

Go away at Christmas; depending on your budget and look what you'll save when you don't need to buy extra food and gifts.

If you can't go away, tell barefaced lies to unwelcome people and say you intend going to (pick a nice venue). A lie is better than 3 days of torture.

Don't answer the landline, don't open the door.

Enjoy Christmas 2020.

Maybe ask your son, or your husband, instead of your DIL to help? Of the three, she is more of a guest in your house, so probably the least likely to know where things are, or how you like things to be done.

When the baby wanted a cuddle from his 'distant mother', was his father distant, too? If not, why didn't he cuddle him? Or is it that they have both decided that controlled crying is the way to go? That wouldn't sit right with me, as I believe in picking up babies as soon as they cry, but that was my way, and I wouldn't have been pleased if my in-laws, or my parents had insisted on letting mine cry.

Each couple has to make these decisions for themselves, just as our generation did, and it is not your place to blame them for their choices - and IMO, it's even worse if you blame your DIL and not your son, who could very well have been part of the decision-making.

Refusing to tell your DIL what you want her to do to help, and not even hinting, could be seen by her as you being controlling, as she will always be in a position where what she does is potentially wrong - has she tried to please before and found that her guesswork was wide of the mark? Treading on eggshells is not relaxing at all, but unless people know what is expected of them, this is what they have to do. I'm sure your DIL is aware that you disapprove of her, which won't help the situation either.

If you want to have a family Christmas next year, why not ask very specifically for your son and his wife to provide X and Y, cooked and ready to heat up, and ask them what you can have ready that will distract the baby. If you do it in the spirit of co-operation it will probably be well-received. If you really don't want to do it again, you can either book a hotel, or just tell them that you and your husband want to have Christmas alone, and arrange to meet your family before or afterwards.

Be careful what you wish for, though. The baby will grow up very quickly, and if the norm becomes separate Christmases, you will miss out on the ones when he is a non-screaming and delightful child, and you might regret it.

Thanks for taking the time to answer. Sorry, yes, I did cut and paste my thread from somewhere else and couldn't get rid of the superfluous comments!