Maybe ask your son, or your husband, instead of your DIL to help? Of the three, she is more of a guest in your house, so probably the least likely to know where things are, or how you like things to be done.
When the baby wanted a cuddle from his 'distant mother', was his father distant, too? If not, why didn't he cuddle him? Or is it that they have both decided that controlled crying is the way to go? That wouldn't sit right with me, as I believe in picking up babies as soon as they cry, but that was my way, and I wouldn't have been pleased if my in-laws, or my parents had insisted on letting mine cry.
Each couple has to make these decisions for themselves, just as our generation did, and it is not your place to blame them for their choices - and IMO, it's even worse if you blame your DIL and not your son, who could very well have been part of the decision-making.
Refusing to tell your DIL what you want her to do to help, and not even hinting, could be seen by her as you being controlling, as she will always be in a position where what she does is potentially wrong - has she tried to please before and found that her guesswork was wide of the mark? Treading on eggshells is not relaxing at all, but unless people know what is expected of them, this is what they have to do. I'm sure your DIL is aware that you disapprove of her, which won't help the situation either.
If you want to have a family Christmas next year, why not ask very specifically for your son and his wife to provide X and Y, cooked and ready to heat up, and ask them what you can have ready that will distract the baby. If you do it in the spirit of co-operation it will probably be well-received. If you really don't want to do it again, you can either book a hotel, or just tell them that you and your husband want to have Christmas alone, and arrange to meet your family before or afterwards.
Be careful what you wish for, though. The baby will grow up very quickly, and if the norm becomes separate Christmases, you will miss out on the ones when he is a non-screaming and delightful child, and you might regret it.