No kissing my baby

Wishing you all the best. You sound like a lovely mum. Especially as it's a naturally very stressful time.

Hi Chewbacca, I don't think I have to do anything. I read a commenter talk about me not having to justify myself or I would reinforce the idea that I need their approval.

But...

I've sent everyone (including my family) a group text with a gentle request to not kiss the baby and to wash her hands if she touches anybody's mouth and they all seem to be on the same page.

SIL wrote "okay, we'll be careful"

And the MIL has since talked about how she hasn't been ill in years and talking about her family history (but never brought up her kids or husband's HSV1 status). She still doubts the severity of herpes, though...so I MIGHT have to print out a document from an official resource on this and give it to her. But for now, I think I'll let it be?
She was holding the baby and giving her kisses on her clothes and not her skin.
When the baby reached for her face/mouth, she said "no sweetie" and smiled while moving her face away.

The baby will have a 6 month appointment with a pediatrician (who came in from smoking a cigarette and DID NOT wash his hands and then proceeded to give my 3 month old baby a full exam complete with spreading her labia!) and I'll ask him about the severity of herpes just to make the in-laws happy. Oh! But I'm also going to change pediatricians because of that!

But I'M crazy, right?



Since the original post, I've been out with the in-laws and had lunch with them and invited them over to see the baby.

If they need reminding, I will remind them. But they for sure will not forget this episode, as it's been the only real conflict I've ever had with them.

If the in-laws have active outbreaks, I'll hold my child and say "sorry, not today" if they want to hold her.

When hubs has an outbreak, he just won't kiss her and will limit direct contact for a bit with lots of hand washing.

I hope these posts are not too long! I wouldn't want to be accused of being insane.

"She wrote herself MAD"

Thanks for the responses. All of them!

Good link- the effects of the herpes virus are not widely known. Especially when it comes to young babies with low.immune systems

Hi MawB I think you might be a little too invested in this thread...

I have responded to people who are critical to me, including you several times.

So how do you think you are going to proceed now naty?

Hi Hetty58 I didn't answer the question because I don't want people's naive or stereotypical ideas of Italians to muddy the waters. I'm Canadian. The in-laws are Italian. I've been with DH for ten years and after the birth of our baby is when I started having my own issues with them.

I am on Gransnet to ask questions about the TWO issues I've had with them. I haven't had other issues, but conspiracy theories are definitely interesting. Plus, I'm not on Gransnet to gush about how great they are in other ways, otherwise the post would be far too long .

I write long essays because I'm a natural communicator and I want to be detailed with the people responding to my post.

This states the risk - you’re being wise.
www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=2ahUKEwiboNz0-f7mAhUBZMAKHRtLASEQFjABegQICxAE&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nhs.uk%2Fconditions%2Fneonatal-herpes%2F&usg=AOvVaw2RZTehLmkuKXErzfQWWNId

How about thanking Solonge for comments and advice backed up with medical experience not to mention all those who are discerning a much deeper-lying MIL/DIL. relationship problem. Or does OP only reactto those who agree with her?

”There, there, of course you are right”

Thank you, Moth62 I need to sort things out to make sure I don't get too stressed out.

Is my memory playing tricks- or did she say that she lives in Italy, very close to in-laws who helped buy the house???

As paediatric nurse and wife of a doctor, I think you are being way too restrictive. Avoiding kissing a baby when developing a cold sore or when one is obvious is common sense, but reading that you are worried about adult saliva and your babies future dental caries is stepping into obsession. Have you travelled much? In Asia and parts of Africa, babies and kids are born on the streets...some live in the gutter. The majority survive. In this country in the 70s some mums would breast feed each others children when babysitting. If you wrap your baby in tissue paper now, she will have fewer antibodies when she starts school. At that point you don’t have control over what she puts in her mouth or who kisses her. Quite possible a child in her class cold kiss her with a full cold sore...You are going to have a tough time if you don’t loosen the protective strings a bit. You seem to think your in-laws have no experience bringing up kids....didn’t they raise your husband? Isn’t he ok? Some new mums can be a tad arrogant....your mum in law raised a family....you have one newish baby....maybe give a nod to her more extensive experience....rather than assume they are stubborn...put yourself in their shoes....which in a few years you may well be.

Wow, Newatthis, everybody here goes outside to smoke and would refuse to take a baby into a smoky room.

As I replied (way back) Naty is not being unreasonable - in this particular case - but I do think that she has serious problems though.

As GoldenAge said, 'obsessive behaviour' in general. Naty has written several (very) long posts about problems with her inlaws. I don't know whether she has followed any of the advice given.

It's strange to keep posting on Gransnet (at such length), to refuse to answer the simple question of where she is from, to state that she loves her inlaws yet be so negative about them.

Naty is either unwell with anxiety - or a wind up!

Poor you! I fully understand although you are perhaps creating ill feeling between your in=laws and yourself. I say your baby, your rules and they should respect it! I didn't like my in-laws smoking in the same room. They smoked very heavily but they continued, I think to spite me, with total disregard for their (then) only grandchild and her tiny lungs. They did this until their own daughter had her son then suddenly gave up smoking altogether!

I don't understand the social customs of kissing babies, whether you are family or not (except the parents and siblings, of course)

The same goes for touching them
I had to stop so many people from touching my kids' hair or face. Just say-"they are so cute!"
Teaching kids body autonomy is so important

You can show your love for someone in many other different ways.

Just wondered if anyone watched the new year healthy program which demonstrated how 70 percent real chocolate improves the protection in saliva of the teeth? Interesting watch.

Very wise Naty I have always had cold sore and I think passed them to DH . I have always been ultra careful with my children and grandchildren. Luckily none of them has ever had a cold sore. So no kissing babies !!

Do NOT let anyone kiss your baby. I have suffered cold sores all my life and sometimes the pain has been excrutiating. I also felt very self-conscious when I was younger. I would not wish it on anybody. It is YOUR baby. You are not over-reacting - you are being extremely sensible.

And as I wrote earlier. Serious and lifelong brain damage.

Naty, according to the WHO, "HSV-1 can be transmitted from oral or skin surfaces that appear normal and when there are no symptoms present. However, the greatest risk of transmission is when there are active sores."
It sounds as if your inlaws don't understand how contagious the virus is and do not maintain the scrupulous hygiene that you need to when suffering an outbreak of herpes, and may
not wash hands after touching their sore. You are very wise to do your best to avoid your baby being infected, cold sores are horrible and always come at the wrong time.
And as your baby is coming up 6 months you need to ensure that they don't give good on a previously licked spoon
I can't believe how many people seem to be denying the role of Streptococcus mutans and in the development of dental caries, it's the precursor to decay. While most people will become infected at some point in their lives if a baby gets infected early in life, the little teeth erupt into a mouth full of it, and we all know how hard it is to clean a baby's teeth, the later infected, the better. Well better that there is no infection but most of us seem to get it, there is so far no vaccine. Common ways for a baby to get infected include being given a bottle or dummy or food chewed by an adult, and I have seen all of those things happen, it's quite disgusting really. You are so sensitive to do your best to protect your baby from things that will have lifelong consequences

Your baby. Your rules. Good for you! ?

I’m a cold sore sufferer. My Son and Wife made it clear if I have a cold sore I’m not allowed to touch my GS, infact better now to see him. As I get them regularly and have done since I was 5 years old, I visited my GP and asked if there was something he could do. He immediately put me on medication twice a day forever, I’ve not had a cold sore since in two years. It’s not only a relief to me as a sufferer but also I don’t need to worry about when I see him, I don’t see him often, so it means I don’t need to worry. I can get up to 10 cold sores appear at once. Neither of my children have suffered with them. See your GP.

I Def agree no kissing baby and generally no kissing babies and children on the mouth ever.

I can fully appreciate your concerns and would never belittle any mother who worries about her child. However, to me, you sound extremely stressed out, either by your in-laws or maybe PND. No idea, but whatever is causing it, it needs sorting. Your health also should be top of the list, as well as your baby’s.

My two cents.....

It's babies and small children who are the active 'incubators' when it comes to germs I have gotten the nastiest colds and stomach bugs just from being around the toddlers in my family, including my own grandchildren. So, please.....stop kissing these children on the lips and leave that to the lovers.

All the same, there are plenty of germs to be passed around by everyone. Best advice is for people to wash their hands more often and lighten up.

Also, people with cold sores are not contagious unless they're having a flare up. An active cold sore would need to come in contact with an open wound or a mucous membrane to be passed along and even that doesn't necessarily happen all the time.

Cold sores are dangerous for little babies but making up stories and scare tactics to add weight? Bit much. I think you are going to end up starting a bit of a war. Just set boundaries and enforce them with kindness, you shouldn't need to justify yourself x