No kissing my baby

Pippa000, Oh what a terrible thing to happen to your grandson and your family.

Pippa000,

So sorry!

My grandson was infected as a new born by the cold sore virus, we never knew how or who infected him. At the age of three days he was blue lighted to Birmingham Children's hospital, and put on life support as the virus was invading all his vital organs, he remained on life support for three months and then on the liver transplant list for two years. he is now a thriving 7 year old, but his liver is still compromised and he has blood tests, gastroscopies and a liver biopsy every two years and will do for the foreseeable future. Please please do not go near a baby if you have a cold sore.

It just means an exaggerated response Naty.
Of course every grandparent who does childcare for their grandchildren expects to, and should, totally respect the way the parents are bringing their child up. So for example, if the parents say no sweets, then so be it, the grandparents don’t give sweets. But in the example given by Jura, lists of dos and donts and being quizzed by the parents on compliance like the gestapo, well that sounds a bit over the top, or it’s an exaggerated response.

I love how you ladies tell people that they are over the top. It's funny. We don't use it that much in Canada.

Sounds a bit over the top jura.

Perhaps a bit like Harry and Meghan ...

you can do exactly as you want and wish, as long as you don't depend on them.

Friends help with looking after GS, and they are given a long list of things to adhere to, both does and don'ts - and are quizzed and questionned on adherence like the gestapo- and now the child is old enough to speak, the parents question the child about the 'behaviour' of GPs.

I was asked not to kiss my 2 dgds by my Dil. End of. I didn’t. Nothing to do with cold sores or anything else, she just didn’t want me to, so I didn’t. I still only kiss them on the forehead now they are 6 and 4 yrs old.

I think they should respect your wishes, without you having to do so much research and explanation.

I hope they’ve got the message by now.

Hi Naty,
I’m a MIL 4 times over my three DILs and one SIL, are all different in the way we get on together But, I don’t see why you felt you had to give a false story to get the point across.
(I say what I mean, but mean what I say) I’ve always lived by that saying and brought my children up to do the same. No one has to make up stories to get the point across that way. We talk things through, no one gets nasty or uppity if I thought anything that we’ve talked about wasn’t right I google it and see the facts for myself. my grandchildren are very precious but if my DILs asked that the children weren’t to be kissed if we had a cold sore. We would respect that and not-kiss them.
But I would Hate it if I was referred to as preloved and incredulous. Enjoy you baby daughter Naty good luck and a happy new year to you

I'm still reading these responses. Thank you, everyone. I'm not a passive person, but the in-laws are super nice and don't mean any harm...their real fault is that they seek their own happiness from their adult children and grandchildren and it's a bit unhealthy. I've told them that their grandkids are not an excuse to not live their own lives, but I haven't got it all figured out so why should I judge them? Perhaps I'll be the same in 40 years!

I will continue to stay on message IF needed...but I hopefully won't have to reiterate my point. When my daughter gets a bit older I'll allow kisses on the top of the head. For now: NO KISSING my baby! Again, thank you! I'll learn more about asserting myself.

@Welbeck as well as John Snow, Semmelweiss suffered too when he tried to get his colleagues to wash after being at autopsies before seeing women giving birth, the death rate was horrendous, but in wards where no doctors were present the death rate from childbed fever was minimal. He worked out what was causing it but was mocked and women continued to die. He's always been a hero of mine - 'Despite various publications of results where hand washing reduced mortality to below 1%, Semmelweis's observations conflicted with the established scientific and medical opinions of the time and his ideas were rejected by the medical community. Semmelweis could offer no acceptable scientific explanation for his findings, and some doctors were offended at the suggestion that they should wash their hands and mocked him for it. In 1865, the increasingly outspoken Semmelweis supposedly suffered a nervous breakdown and was treacherously committed to an asylum by his colleague'

Your baby, your rules, surely?

Not relevant to babies - but the herpes virus can be spred by sexual contact.
It's a nasty thing

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhW4g9urdXQ
Personal boundaries Youtube vid

@Naty
Sorry you are finding speaking up for yourself so difficult. You sound kind and caring.
You don't want to hurt them, I can tell, but you will end up hurting them if you don't learn about *emotional literacy (*Richard Grannon) Vids on boundaries, people-pleasing and non-verbal cues will help you stop fawning during communication -
To be on the receiving end of a passive-type person is also difficult: to tell exactly where their boundary is as they bend over backwards so far sometimes they kiss their own heels.
This situation can be solved easily by you communicating in a more confident manner - No subject will be a problem if you know inside that you need never explain, just assert.

You share the same difficulty with boundaries as your in laws - Your own family only seem to be no trouble because your default is their default.
Youtube has a vast collection of helpful short vids on the subject and how to help yourself.

Does your mother have germ issues which she has passed on to you?
Cold sores are extremely contagious even before they are visible, so NO KISSING and WASH HANDS.
A parent can't afford to care about being popular with anyone when it comes to pretecting the child from dangers.

Don't waffle it projects as wishy-washy and will dilute, minimise, or even change your message.
You are, it seems, surrounded by constant company, love (and unwanted) affection - I think you'll be alright if you stick up for yourself more clearly and consistantly.
Best of luck
You got this!

re gentian violet - it's a good antseptic but can make a mess of clothing etc.
When we moved to Singapore in the '60s we all caught impetigo and painted the sores with it.
It's still used - our very old (90+) GP in France used it on my legwound a few years ago. He had a student with him who had never heard of it and was shocked.

I’ve just read this thread and c@nt believe people kiss anyone on the lips other than their partner!

Stick to your guns. One of my children suffered badly with cold sores and I know exactly where the infection came from. Interestingly, the problem was at its worst during his teens but he hasn't had one for about 10 years now. He's 34.

Naty has replied, jura, and said it is the nuances which are a problem.

In this instance I think saying 'No, not on the lips' should be plain enough in any language.
It may sound blunt but perhaps she is skirting round the issue, perhaps using ten words when one might do and causing more problems trying to explain.

Naty you say you have an excellent relationship with your in-laws and love them.
As I said earlier - Just tell them!

Jishere- not at all- was not talking about you.

''Naty have you lived in Italy for over 10 years but you are still not able to communicate in the language?
Perhaps if you learn to speak the language fluently it may help with your communication problems, especially if you intend going back to work.''

Just cannot fathom this. How can someone not speak the language more or less fluently after a decade? Especially when living with an Italian and with Italian family almost next door?

Naty when my children were young, there were always varied opinions on how they/ other children should be brought up, much like on here. I always took the stance, that any mistakes I make will fall back on me/ my husband. To other people, they will become a distant memory. You’ll always get people who will say” let them roll around in the dirt, it’ll do them good in the long run”. It might.....but it might not, and I decided a dependent adult child, unable to live a normal life, was preferable to a dead one. This was the extreme. My AC are all fine, healthy, and independent, despite my ( supposed ) over protectiveness.

I don't know why some people are taking a high-handed tone in response to Naty.
I can sympathise with the situation she outlines, despite not sharing it.
the only thing that jarred slightly was the post about not being satisfied with not earning enough money; but I put that down to her being from N America, where the cultural norms are different, and I am the least interested in money/ financially illiterate, barely competent person I know; so it's not a fair comparison.
as to protecting a child's health, I think she is spot on.
the link between caries and bacteria seems obvious, if little reported. just because we may not have heard of it before, read about or seen it reported does not mean it is nonsense. its deleterious effects will gallop on regardless of our knowledge.
I have seen the results of little known serious infection close up; very sobering. we all need more knowledge. forewarned is forearmed.
remember dr john snow and the pump handle in broadwick street, soho, but it couldn't be right, could it. everyone knew cholera was spread by a miasma, fog-like floating through the air.
the fact that there was not yet the knowledge of microbes, nor the instruments/ methods to detect them, let alone understand their significance.
how he was vilified by the medical establishment, and generally received notions at the time.
threatened with legal action against him.
he stuck his neck out, risked his livelihood, because he cared. the imperative to try to save lives was his motivation, rather than fame or fortune.
I think it's good that a young mother comes on GN specifically to consult grans for their perspective on issues she has with her child's gran.
that shews an open and humble minded attitude, willing to learn, and is entirely commendable.
all power to her elbow. (How do you translate that into vernacular Canadian ?)

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2017/07/18/health/baby-dies-of-meningitis-from-herpes-virus/index.html

Get real indeed

As others have said, most people don't kiss children on the lips. I think it's a bit harsh to tell people not to kiss your baby. It's a natural thing to do, and I would be quite insulted, I think, if I were instructed not to kiss my grandchildren.

Naty, you are worrying too much, and are, in my opinion, 'over the top'. Obviously, if someone had a cold sore, or a cold, or anything else contagious, you wouldn't want them slobbering over your baby - but a kiss on the head from somebody perfectly healthy ...? Come on, get real!

Sounds like gentian violet, Sharon. I’ve never heard of that used for cold sores although it’s a common enough remedy for babies with oral thrush. It’s quite messy and unpleasant. It may also have been for canker sores which aren’t the same as cold sores and aren’t infectious, although still terribly painful!