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Step families...

(3 Posts)
cazandco Thu 16-Jan-20 18:02:25

Hi here so please be gentle with me.
Here goes.
DH and I have been together 7 years, married 5.
He suffers depression, anxiety and very low self esteem, constantly comparing himself to my grown up sons.
He feels it's his 'job' to protect me, my job is to protect myself.
My family mainly live around the county so we dont see each other often, which hurts. My DS's are not great at keeping in regular contact, busy lives and opposite working patterns over the years have made it like that. It's how it is and we speak when we can.
DH thinks the reason is because they dont like him! It's not, although DS1 and DH had words at xmas as DS took offence to a comment DH made about my mother...the comment was fair, and it was said in my defence, but they have had words which resulted in DS threatening DH stating not to mess with 'the family'. It makes us sound like the mafia, which we most certainly arent!
DH will now have nothing to do with ANY of my family!
DD came to visit today, and as usual he hid out of the way. She usually shouts goodbye to him, and only at that point will he appear and say goodbye.
Today she rushed off without saying anything. Hes hugely offended and said my family are ignorant.
They have been organising a surprise for a big birthday I have coming up. They have not asked DH for his input at all. Again hes hugely offended.
I know we are supposed to be going out for a meal with DD, DH and my S-I-L shortly.
DH has told me he will not be going. That I will have to go on my own.
I can't confront my family about not involving him, as it's a surprise.
I feel so angry.
At my children for leaving him out, and at him for his childish tantrum!
I am not prepared to have a fallout with ny children because hes as stubborn as them, but I dont want to have this angst with him.
His self esteem is at rock bottom as hes not working, feels so isolated and suffers with the anxiety and depression.
I'm at my wits end.
Any constructive advice on where to go with this would be greatly appreciated.
Hes supposed to be getting therapy but they keep cancelling his sessions! When I complain, nothing changes!

rosenoir Thu 16-Jan-20 18:38:11

Have you explained to your children about your husbands mental health problems? If they know then they are being unkind, if not they might be a bit more patient with him.

I would not force him to go to the meal as it would be unpleasant for everybody.

I hope things improve when he starts treatment, nothing will change until he does.

Madgran77 Thu 16-Jan-20 19:30:17

I do think you need to explain to your adult children about your husbands mental health problems and ask them to support you in supporting him. Explain specifically what would help you linked to involving him etc.

However I also think you need to look at your husbands behaviour as well...if he cares about you he should be thinking about how his decisions and actions are making you feel...especially if he thinks his job is to "protect" you ...maybe that should be from the upset he is causing by his reactions/actions/decisions. Of course only you/he know how much his behaviour links to his mental health problems and how much might link to other possibly selfish motives.

I do sympathise with you, not an easy situation flowers