DIL disappearrs to her parents all the time

Stay out of it. Their marriage, their issue. If she wants to spend time with her folks, that’s her right and between her and her husband. If he’s running to you to tattle I can’t imagine she’d be interested in working on anything with him.

All families are different, and some are very, very close.

It's lovely for them, I think, but difficult to understand for a lot of people, as are most other people's families.

So Grandma is unhappy at the time her DIL is spending with her Mum, how does everyone else feel? We're not told are we?
Has Meet's son expressed unhappiness about the mini breaks, or is his she transferring her own feelings onto him? It needs to be made clear (to us if we are to offer any help, but mainly between the daughter who is homesick and missing her Mum and the son.
In three short years the child will be at school and the overnight stays will have to stop anyway.
Please Meet back off and don't venture into the 'interfering MIL' territory - you are bigger than this.

Your son doesn't have a pint with friends? Order take out for dinner when wife is not there?
Eats out instead of taking lunch from home?

It sounds as if your son is doing far too much moaning to you or else how else would you know what she spends when she goes out She could go out to lunch and only have one coffee so you are either guessing or having your ear pulled
The very best advice you can give is to tell him to sort the budget out with his wife HIMSELF

I don’t think she will earn anything like what he does
if my son was earning a good salary it wouldn’t be an issue but he isnt
Don’t get me wrong her not working is not a problem
these are all statements opposing each other
It costs her £60 to visit her parents for five days but then she’s not eating at home or using the electricity gas or going out to lunch so should equal that out

You re not keen on her are you ? Let them sort themselves out

I'm forever grateful that my DILs put up with my sons!

OP,

If your son is so stressed, he could sit down with his wife and agree on the budget - with or without her coffees

I wouldn't a person like you taking care of my child so "I pull my weight and contribute"
You clearly do not like your dil. I bet you also do not approve of her parenting, for example.

Your son doesn't help with childcare his son - he is parenting his son.
I hate the word "help" when it comes to a male doing his share of the work.

I still say back off. Like 100 ft off. Let them fix it by themselves.
If your son complains to you, tell him to address it with his wife.

You are not part of their marriage. Step back. You have no voice in their marriage. Just another meddling mil who complains how her baby boy is being mistreated by his wife.

Thanks for the update. It sounds like something that the 2 of them need to work out between them in order to reach a compromise that works as far as possible for both of them and their joint income.

meet thank you for clarifying. It seems the nitty gritty is their budget, which is something they need to sort between themselves. Are they in debt? If not, to be honest, your DIL's lifestyle sounds lovely and I'm guessing she is happy in this early stage of motherhood? If they can get by, why wouldn't she want to spend as much time with her child as possible? And if she has a good close relationship with her parents that's a positive too. Far too many young parents feel pressure to keep on that treadmill to maintain a particular lifestyle and then realise that they have missed out on those wonder years of their child's life

Dunno what you're reading, quizqueen. I'm reading that most of us think that amount of contact is GOOD.

Love it when people tell SAHMs they should work in the short windows when they dont have the kids.

Where are all these 9.30-2pm jobs that you can "work while the kids are in school" and the employers who will take on a newbie who wants to do every other thursday while the baby is at nans?

I work, but I had to prove my worth BEFORE I could ask to reduce my hours and chose my days. I first had to "do my time" on the crappy shifts as a newbie

How lovely the grandparents, who live far away, get to see their grandchild on a regular basis. Isn't that what many of you complain about not happening in your lives; you can't win with you lot. I was a SAHM for many years, by choice, and I was always flitting off to spend days at my parents' house, as we had moved out of the area where we grew up for my husband's job.

My parents loved it and it meant they had a close relationship with their grandchild in the precious few years they had with her before they died. Other than travel costs, she is probably saving her husband money on heating and other utility costs, food, leisure activities etc. while she is away. If it is causing a problem in the relationship it is their business to sort out, no one else's.

I have offered to look after DGS so she can work 2 days a week which will help their finances.

She wont want to get stuck into a job there is shes not feeling committed to the area.

There are not many entry level part time jobs that arent on a rota. You cant just chose your 2 days. Are you commited to doing any two days (incl early mornings, evenings, nights, weekends) at short notice.

As you are critical of her anyway she may not feel comfortable using you for childcare, as you need to have good communication with your childcare provider

Your GS would miss out on the weeks spent with his extended family if she was "stuck" to the area for work. Which would be a shame for him.

The lunches are easily solved by him sitting down with his wife instead of his mummy and agreeing to split bank accounts into bill account and two individual spending money accounts.

She does not sound settled where she is. If she was living near "home" the spending (which may be to cheer herself up) may resolve anyway, and the back n forthing could stop.

Can he commute or move jobs? Would he be willing to live half way in the middle?

Don't get me wrong , her not working is not a problem, its the amount of money she spends on her coffee mornings and lunches out, and obviously the cost of travel to see her family, if my son was earning a good salary it wouldn't be an issue but he is not and I can see him stressed as he is worried about the money.This is putting a strain on there marriage.
DS does help with childcare when he is home, and her mother visits every week.

If they lived near her parents, or even in between, there wouldnt be all the back n forthing and overnight stays.

As I said upthread, he must have known that she was in a tight knit family when he married and had a baby with her

1) I think it's nice she wants to spend a lot of time with her parents.

2) It is lovely your grandchild has so much contact with grandparents.

3) Childcare is HORRIFICALLY expensive. Between £50 and £60 a day . I have friends who work with young children (because their jobs will disappear if they are off for more than a year) and their entire salary disappears into paying the nursery.

4) You say you would do the childcare, but you are so critical of her, (and being brutally frank now) she probably doesn't trust you to care for her child the way she wants it done. I know my MiL loved my child but not in a million years would I have left my daughter with her.

5) Yes, I agree with Ladymuck. He will have to crack on and do half the housework and childcare. Perhaps he should start that NOW to show her he will lighten the 'home' load if she were to work.

A man should cleave to his wife. Sad for the mothers of sons I know, but his allegiance should now be with his young family.

If they split up, he may THEN need your support.

I think the obvious solution would be for them to move nearer her parents. But I dont think thats what you wanted to hear...

Very true ladymuck! The grandson is 'almost two' so maybe it's just a temporary situation until free childcare is available.

Lunches out sounds a little extravagant, though. My DIL always has coffee out after driving the kids to school, often lunches out, then orders in dinner. She's fond of telling me how difficult it is to be a mother. Luckily, my son earns well.

It's a different world. I remember the constant struggle as a widowed mother of four - just trying to make ends meet!

What exactly is the problem here, is it the fact that the DIL spends so much time with her parents, or the fact that she doesn't work?
She may be finding a small child too much to handle and is glad to find respite with her mother. Many girls are not used to babies and find a demanding toddler too much for them.

If her husband is happy for her not to work, there's no problem. After all, it's only fairly recently that women were expected to continue working after marriage.
If he does want her to work, then he must be prepared to do a fair share of the housework and child-care.

Too many men want it both ways.

Your dislike of her comes over very strongly.

Your son should not be doing all this moaning to you. You should be telling him it is between him and his wife.

Your DIL parents need a step back too.

Sometimes you can see the train wreck coming. Two sets of parents too involved in their children’s lives and not allowing them to grow up and be a family in their own right.

Oh dear, oh dear.....

Thanks for coming back on meet. My understanding of what you say is that your son isn't happy when she goes away, and you are not approving of the cost of her social life. Are they in financial difficulties?

I want to help my son, yes he is not happy when she does away, her mother comes to visit her every week wt there home, so its not as she is not seeing her. The round trip every 3 weeks costs £60 plus not to mention her coffee mornings and lunches out every week when she st home. I have offered to look after DGS so she can work 2 days a week which will help their finances. DS would be happy to stay at home but I don't think she will earn anything like what he does.

Childcare is expensive so would they be a great deal better off it she did work?

I admit she'd be building up her pension and possibly keeping up with things in the modern workplace but she may wish to be at home with her child and see no immediate financial reward in going out to work.

If your son doesn't mind her going to stay with her parents, what is the problem?

Perhaps they live a distance away and she can't go for just one day.

I'd say nothing in your position.

Has to go out to work