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DIL disappearrs to her parents all the time

(83 Posts)
meet Fri 24-Jan-20 12:08:01

Dil goes to stay with her parents every 3 weeks for 5 days at a time taking DGS with her,is the marriage worth anything to her, she does not work nd does not want to work.DGS is almost 2 years old, this is putting a strain on there marriage as my ds does not earn much. any advice please.

March Fri 24-Jan-20 12:22:39

Shes obviously going through something, is she ok? Do her parents live far?
Does her husband work long hours? Is it a happy marriage? Is she lonely? Exhausted?

rosenoir Fri 24-Jan-20 12:26:42

Is your son complaining about this or is it just that you think it is causing problems?

Bellanonna Fri 24-Jan-20 12:28:40

What does your son say? Perhaps he is OK with this arrangement and is happy for her to see her Mum once a month (does she live a distance away?). If it’s not a problem with them then I wouldn’t be worried. Another thought is that she has post natal depression and her Mum is trying to help by having her over and giving her some company during the day. Or she’s just not happy for some reason? Does your son say it’s putting a strain on their marriage, or is that your own interpretation of things?

GrannyGravy13 Fri 24-Jan-20 12:30:30

I used to regularly take off with my C to visit my Mum or Dad for a few days. Just made sure that I was up to date at work, animals sorted and off we went.

It was lovely for all of us, and I think Mr.Gravy enjoyed the peace and quiet.

FlexibleFriend Fri 24-Jan-20 12:30:36

It's between them to work it out for themselves. Childcare is expensive so they may be no better off financially if she did work. Also they may not want others caring for their child.

notanan2 Fri 24-Jan-20 12:30:40

Maybe she needs the support system and believes it takes a village to raise a child? Would your son consider moving closer to her folks? He must have known she was close to her family when he married her so it would be unreasobable to expect her to live in a "couple bubble"

notanan2 Fri 24-Jan-20 12:33:14

With a child that young it can make sense to not work.
The funded hours dont cover actual work hours, you have to pay to wrap around...

And if she doesnt want to be dropping off her 2YO at 7am and collecting them at 6 every day thats an entirely reasonable decision.

Which are the sort of hours she would be looking at if she was expecting to be paid enough to have a "profit" after childcare

BlueBelle Fri 24-Jan-20 13:14:55

May I ask why it’s your business unless of course your son has come to you complaining , if you live nearby enough to know how they spend their days why is it wrong for her to visit her family once a month to catch up with them Unless your son has asked her not to and I can’t see why he would then what’s wrong surely it’s right for the little grandson to have contact with both sets of grandparents
I don’t really see a problem If your son can not manage on the money he’s getting and you can do the childcare free of charge (to give them a good start) then hopefully she would like to get back to work

SirChenjin Fri 24-Jan-20 13:28:09

Unless your son is complaining then keep out of it. Actually, even if your son is complaining keep out of it as it’s none of your business!

FWIW I do think both parents should work wherever possible - it’s so important for women especially to remain financially independent as much as possible and paying towards a pension (as men do). Childcare is a joint expense so not something that the woman should shoulder on her own. Is there a reason why she’s not contributing to the family income in some way? Could she work her hours around his?

Only they can sort it out between them though.

Eglantine21 Fri 24-Jan-20 13:31:50

She’s his mum. I think it’s lovely to be with your child in those first years. We were horribly poor, no holidays, no phone, certainly no eating out, clothes only as presents, but it was worth going without to have that time. It never comes again.

My parents lived 200 miles away and I visited about every six weeks for about a week. Not worth making the journey for less

Honestly I don’t really see what you’re so bothered about.

MawB Fri 24-Jan-20 13:55:05

I don’t think you say how far away this is, whether there are special circumstances, such as mother’s health or emotional state eg whether she is lonely.
Perhaps your DIL likes someone making a fuss of her!
Were your DIL to work could they afford the added expense of childcare to make it worthwhile - would she be able to earn a good salary? Nurseries are fiendishly expensive.
So many imponderables before anybody can express any sort of valid opinion.

notanan2 Fri 24-Jan-20 14:09:29

Is there a reason why she’s not contributing to the family income in some way?

She IS contributing to household income by being the primary childcarer at home. She is saving them thousands.

Yennifer Fri 24-Jan-20 14:24:49

I've been raising children for a long time and only went back to work a few years ago. How this country is set up means that I am worse off working. While I wasn't working my husbands pay was topped up with housing benefit, counsel tax support and tax credits. (for those who might have a moan about that, families like mine cost the average wage earner 50p a a day and nothing if you earn under 20 thousand or so). Anyway I am now working which is a good example to my children and I have a pension. They have taken away what I earn from the benefits and a few quid more. So I work for nothing. There is also no consideration for travel costs or work attire or any other expense there. I work in a school so I don't even need child care. Most parents wouldn't be that lucky or have children too young for school. This country is broken for working families and the only reason I work is because I enjoy my job, I want to set a good example, I want a pension and my children are starting to leave the nest so benefits would go down anyway.

Literally who would ever want to do a job they don't like while someone else's raises their children to end up worse off? It's stupid x

SirChenjin Fri 24-Jan-20 15:01:57

She IS contributing to household income by being the primary childcarer at home. She is saving them thousands

Not in the long term - by not working she’s costing them thousands lost pension revenue, loss of earning potential and so on.

Ultimately, if both adults agree to one of them not working and spending one week in three away then fine - but both have to be happy with that arrangement and there has to be ongoing discussions about how the finances are managed, when the other plans to resume work, how pension contributions for the one not working will be made and so on. It can’t and shouldn’t fall to one person (usually the man for some reason) to shoulder that without a plan or an agreement that it’s working for both of them and that they are each happy with the allocated role of wage earner/SAHP.

sodapop Fri 24-Jan-20 15:10:00

I think this is something they need to sort out themselves meet unless you have been asked for your input. Your daughter in law may be planning on working when the child is older or they may not have thought that far ahead. Leave them to it would be my advice.

notanan2 Fri 24-Jan-20 15:12:25

Has the OPs son offered to be the SAHP?

If not, its not fair to criticise the mother for not working

SirChenjin Fri 24-Jan-20 15:17:15

Obviously the OP hasn’t clarified if he’s offered to be the SAHP but she has confirmed that the wife doesn’t want to work. Time for them to sit down as a couple and agree roles and responsibilities that make them both happy.

DillytheGardener Fri 24-Jan-20 15:31:34

This sounds like a post from last year I remember.
I think that the early years are hard and lonely, I was lucky and my mil became my children’s childcare so I could go back to work ( and also enjoy adult conversation ) perhaps she is struggling.
Also how much help is your son at home? Does he support her when he gets home? Mine didn’t, and it caused seething resentment ( he still doesn’t help with housework even though he is retired and I’m still working).
Luckily for my pregnant dil I think my elder son is a bit more modern and will be pulling his weight, but not everyone is so lucky. Don’t take what son is telling you on face value as he isn’t likely to tell you the full picture if he isn’t being supportive.

Yennifer Fri 24-Jan-20 16:01:07

People can't always live in the long term sadly. This is how poor families get screwed over. Forced to buy cheap that won't last whereas if they bought more expensive they would save money long term, get a better warranty etc. A poor family might replace a 200 quid cooker 4 times in 10 years costing 800 while a 400 quid cooker lasts 15. This is not a costed analogy but still true x

Hithere Fri 24-Jan-20 16:09:16

This is between your son and his wife

GrannyLaine Fri 24-Jan-20 16:11:09

meet you have given a bit of information but you don't really say what the problem is. Are you saying there is conflict because they are short of money? Easier to make constructive comments when the problem is made clear.

SirChenjin Fri 24-Jan-20 16:43:27

Yennifer no, I know that - but without more detail from the OP it’s impossible to know if the wife could work to help increase the family income but simply chooses not to, or whether she actually can’t for some reason.

ExD1938 Fri 24-Jan-20 16:51:14

We need some clarification from you, meet before we can begin to give any constructive advice. You haven't replied yet so we're all in the dark.

Norah Fri 24-Jan-20 17:31:26

Why is this your business, did DS ask advise?