DIL disappearrs to her parents all the time

Does DS have long hours and she is off to visit mum? DS should tell her not to you if he doen't like these visits.

Yes, on re-reading you could be right craftergran . Either way, if she’s away that often on top of regular meetings throughout the week with her parents (which suggests they don’t live that far away) she’s already seeing them a lot for support - far more than many other young parents.

How far away does her parents live? Is it possible for them to move closer to parents?
Agree with those saying you should re-direct your son to speak to his wife instead of you.
She may be finding it difficult to be away from close family with a young toddler. Perhaps she feels isolated where she is. Maybe your son can encourage her to join a club one evening during the week so she can make more friends locally.
I read it that she spends 3 weeks at home then 5 days at her parents.

No, 5 days every three weeks on top of seeing her family throughout the week. She’s only living with in the family home for a fortnight at a time before she moves out for five days, and she sees her parents regularly during those two weeks.

I’m not sure how I’d have felt if I’d been the working parent when our DC were little and DH had done that to me.

Basically, DIL is spending about one week a month w/ her parents (ok, 5 days but that's almost a week). That says to me that either she misses her family very much, she needs more help w/ childcare than DS has time to give (I bet they watch baby a lot while she gets to nap, etc.), or there are tensions in the marriage she feels the need to get away from. No matter how much she "enjoys" her parents, I can't see leaving a husband and taking your mutual child w/ you (general) this much if there weren't some kind of problem.

That said, I have to agree, meet, these are not your issues to solve. Not the issue, if any, about the visits, the one about her not working, or the one about what she spends on what. All these are things DS and DIL need to work out between themselves.

It was nice of you to offer to watch GC a couple of days a week, so DIL could work. But it might be more helpful if you offered to watch baby to just give her a break and a chance to shop, relax, whatever she needs. That might prompt her to cut back on the frequent trips to her parents.
But you may not want to babysit for those reasons, and she might still not accept it.

Beyond that, I agree w/ the others that you need to stay out of it. Next time DS complains, in fact, I would (gently) tell him that he needs to work these issues out w/ DIL. If he persists in venting, be sympathetic but for your own sanity, change the subject. Also, please remember that as upset as he gets, he, no doubts, makes up w/ DIL when he's w/ her. Let that thought put things in perspective and don't let yourself get too worked up over these concerns. xx

I read this post with interest, OP says MIL comes every week
yet dil still does to stay every 3 weeks, which sounds like it is causing a problem.I am a dil and i would not dream of staying with my parents if i show them every week specially if finances were tight.

No - she stays with them for five days every three weeks, not every three months.

How often SHOULD she see her parents? How often is she allowed (by you?)
If we settle for once a week (seems reasonable) thats 4 times a month.
Your DIL would see her's 12 times in 3 months if she visited once a week.

But Dil's parents live some distance away, so having gone to the expense of travel it seems reasonable to stay. So she stays 5 days in 3 months.

Problem with that?

How often does your son see you? Quite frequently from the sound of it.

The work or not to work problem is completely separate .

She’s going to see her mum every three weeks and staying for five days - not every few months

This young mother is seeing her Mum every few months - in a block of days - obviously they don't live close to each other.

I saw my Mum every week - ie 4 times a month. (That is 12 times in three months)This young lady sees hers 5 times in 3 months, in a block of 5 solid days. Seems reasonable.

No-one has said the son is complaining to his Mum - do sons do this? I never hear husbands complaining about their wives in public (unless the marriage is really toxic) like I hear it the other way round (wives complaining about DH). The worst I tend to hear is a remark like 'Women!"

I'd like meet to come back and explain to us why she asked her original question ...... and to look to herself for the answer. Unless the husband is really unhappy about the situation, there isn't a "situation". Has the husband expressed a wish for her to return to work? - we aren't told.

Another question - how many times a week does meet see her son?

You sound so interfering. Mind your own business.

Your son is an adult I assume? Let him sort his own domestic arrangements out.

From your original post meet it does sound like you are annoyed at your Daughter in Law for not working she does not work nd does not want to work.

So I think maybe your son has been chewing your ear off about it? Going away, spending money they can't afford etc etc.

Only thing is...it really does not have anything to do with you. He is a man with a family and as such instead of asking what you can do, I would be telling my son to sort his own problems out. IF he doesn't like it...then he has to speak with his wife about it.

You say you wonder if the marriage is worth anything to her? Do you know IF your son has spoken to her about his feelings? For all we know she could think he is totally happy with her going to see her parents?

Either way..... this is something for husband and wife to come to agreement over and definitely not mum.

Why is this your business?

Thanks for clarifying that GrannyLaine

Not at all SirChenjin though I might not have made that clear. My apologies, you are definitely not a "piler in"

GrannyLaine - yes, I am reiterating what other posters have implied and as such hope that you aren’t accusing me of not understanding and of piling in.

DIL is enjoying spending time with her parents she will only be able to do this until the child goes to nursery .As for the financial side it's up to your son to sort it out out of interest do you and DIL spend anytime together if not could this be a little bit of jealousy of their close knit family

SirChenjin re your post last night - there is NOTHING in any of meet's posts that says her DIL is unhappy though I get that you are reiterating the various comments made. The son is unhappy, meet is unhappy and says the marriage is in trouble, but NO comment about DIL being unhappy.
It is really frustrating when posters pile in with their advice without having properly understood what has been said.

OP it sounds good that your son can vent to you.
Perhaps you feel like you are missing out as the other parents see your grandchild more often
If your son really is concerned and isn't just venting to mum he needs to bring it up with his wife .
To be honest I think my son and Dil would both love that small break.
She would be spoilt and someone else would help with the child . Possible mum would cook etc. Son would get some good nights sleep
My Dil occasionally goes to her parents when grandson is particularly a handful. It is nice to have a break .

Of course there’s no evidence - that would only be available if she or her mum came on here. I’d be very surprised if a woman who was being bullied or was so unhappy in her marriage as has been implied on here wasn’t complaining to her mum about it - who in turn is simply supporting her daughter through this very difficult, lonely period.

I agree the OP shouldn’t get involved and I think the couple have a lot to discuss about their roles and responsibilities within the relationship, but I don’t think that it’s unreasonable for a man to complain about issues in his relationship when I imagine most of us on here have at some point berated our DHs to our mums.

There is no evidence that she’s offloading to her mom, albeit the speculation to that end. We do know however that the husband is whinging to his mommy. None of this is the OPs business or problem.

And I wouldn’t like being forced back to work to essentially allow my MiL to be a SAHM to my child. I can’t imagine any mother would.

Read some of the posts - she’s spending time with her mum because she’s unhappy, he could be bullying her, she’s lonely, she’s unhappy...it’s ok for her to go to her mum’s for five days every three weeks and presumably offload about how unhappy she is (as per these posts) but not ok for her son to talk to his mum.

There is nothing posted that suggests the wife is complaining to her mum about her DH instead of sorting things out with him.

Just that she's spending time with her.

Its not double standards because ita not the same thing!

It’s interesting reading some of these posts that the implication appears to be the man is being disloyal to his wife by talking to his mum but the wife is getting support by talking to her mum. Double standards and gender stereotyping.

I wish there was a button to press on here that said "I agree" (not like the silly "like" of Facebook.)
I agree!