I confronted my MiI, advice please.

@Sirchenjin yes definitely I will be making sure of that
Gosh I would kill to have an mil like all of you! ❤️

Yes you’ve summed it up @buffybee I feel like I’m in a comical movie over some of the behaviour I’ve experienced.
And yes that simple attempt for me to clarify I need these boundaries because I’ve had a baby and these are for me as a person in general etc....I got that reply ?‍♀️
From what I gathered it’s her explanation to people for not seeing her as much as she’d like “anxiety”....and it’s just simply because she doesn’t respect me, so why would I be jumping to see her.
I’m at the stage where all I can do is laugh or I would need a dr from going insane lol

Yes it can be difficult when you’re caught between your parents and your partner but you’re definitely not being unreasonable. Remember - that fortnightly visit is on your terms, OK?

@Sirchenjin

Thank you, DH feels a bit stuck in the middle but he is learning to be more supportive, he’s very loyal to everyone so has been a wee bit stuck but it has come down to our happiness and he realises that I’ve suffered a fair bit in this situation. He’s fully supportive of me being more short with her and straight to the point when necessary and of my boundaries. He thinks my requests are very fair and he’s accepting that it will never be picture perfect and that I am keeping the peace at a level I can stay sane. It’s driven him a bit crazy too and he can’t believe how her behaviour has been but at the same time lacks the ability to tell her all this.

Re once a fortnight thank you I thought that was reasonable too, it’s just nice to have everyone’s unbiased opinion.

" Thanks for saying you want me to get better. I'm not sure what from but how kind of you to think of me. To return to the problem in hand, we have changed the locks because .......!!" And so on!!! ?

So Ohdear, because you explained to your Mil that you found her intrusive behavior stressful and her continuing to arrive unannounced was causing you anxiety, or worry,
she’s trying to imply that you are mentally unwell.
Even when you explain, that you are setting boundaries, as a choice and for your privacy and not because you are anxious. She still has selective hearing and replies again, “we just want you to get better”.
This is all about what Mil wants and she just doesn’t care at all what you want. In fact, to prove her point that she should be allowed to visit unannounced, whenever she wants, she’s implying that you must be mentally ill because you won’t allow her to.
I thought at first that Mil might just be thick skinned like a Rhinoceros but now I find her more insidious.
Watch your back with this woman, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.
She does not have your best interests at heart.

Cross posts. Once a fortnight is perfectly reasonable! And make the visit on your terms.

You’ve done the right thing by confronting her - that’s a positive step - and you don’t sound mad or in need of a Dr, you sound like someone who is at the end of her tether with a MiL who seems determined to ride roughshod over your reasonable requests for boundaries and personal space. Time to take away her key, keep the door firmly locked and reduce contact I think. What does your DH say about it? Apologies if I’ve missed that.

Thanks @BlueBelle

Excuse all typos and autocorrects too ?

I did like her but now the relationship is very strained after scything. I don’t like how she’s treated me. I feel now it’s a matter of keeping the peace. It’s not a relationship I’d invest in if it weren’t for my DH.

DH is frustrated at her as well but he has even tried telling her to not just drop in. She doesn’t listen to him either. I don’t think she’s ever not been in charge for everyone and doing what she wants. Fb and Fil have always just done what she plans.

And yes I do lock the door now and I’m trying to do once a fortnight visits. Do you think that’s an acceptable amount? I’m very busy and have other people to fit in, as well as obviously it not being my favourite thing to do right now.

ohdear so glad you ve cleared it up I m sure you can understand why it seemed to be one and the same person and was getting very confusing
Anyway now we ve established you are an individual let’s see what’s to be done about the situation
Apart from dropping in do you like your mother in law?
Do you ever lock your door?
What does her son think to this bothersome behaviour?

Don’t worry about messing up the posts it’s easily done

Sorry ladies, I’ve made a mess on this forum with all my posts/comments. I’ve tried to reply to individuals and I think I’ve messed that up. Hopefully all makes sense. Apologies for taking up your time with all my added posts. Hopefully it can make some sense xx

That correct flyingsolo

Okay let me address the reply “we just want you to get better”
This was my MIL basic sly being very patronising because I explained face to face that I found her intrusive behaviour and waking myself and baby up when we are trying to get a nap in (I’m demand feeding, so still getting up at night) stressful and that her doing this was causing anxiety because I never j ew when to expect another unannounced visit.
She’s taken this and ran with it, now it’s being used in a negative way.
I have no problem seeking medical help if needed but I am fine (apart from my mil problems lol).
A cheap shot basically, because I had tried to clear the air before too much time went on, so I messaged her and said please understand my boundaries are not there to protect me from anxiety, they are there so I have privacy and choices with what I do with my time...her reply was “we just want you to get better”, this is the part where I face palm.

Thanks BuffyBee.

I assumed that most are a bit confused. But yes there’s two of us on opposite sides of the world lol.
Very similar a d same dynamic of the relationship I believe.
And yes it’s caused me anxiety too but not because I have PND just because it’s been an j healthy relationship (she lives 200m away).

I think you are all right though, for mysekf I need to let it go but maintain my boundaries and keep calm.

Madgran has great advice too and I have been utilising it. I definitely feel stronger and more capable to stand my ground on things. I’m not out to be mean, just to have respect of my time and privacy and boundaries

Everyone needs their grandma ❤️

Thank you so much BuffyBee.

I swear I can not figure out how to reply to people properly.
I’m from NZ but I know Naty is from Italy and everyone seems confused and thinks we are the same person. Though our stories are very similar and definitely a case of mil not listing.

I really appreciate you addressing people telling me I should see a doctor. I have been stressed from this repetitive situation , but definitely not unwell or crazy lol.

It’s hard to be stuck in a relationship with someone whose never respected you. If it were a friend a lot of us would decide to move on without them (for me anyway) so it is tricky.

Your active has been really helpful amd supportive. I appreciate it. Thank you x

All the confused ranting on here about who the OP is ,really doesn't help with general impressions of us older people being gaga, does it? (despite my name!)

Thanks BlueBelle, sorry I’ve replied to your earlier post too. I’m getting through all the comments

No I haven’t changed my name? I think you are confused with the lady who lives in Italy? My FIL certainly has not looked through my windows lol

I think you have me confused with Rome one else? My father in law doesn’t look through my window and I have not changed my name.

@BlueBelle

I have not changed my name at all?! My last post was about her not listening about dropping by and I’ve since confronted her. For the life of me I tried to find my previous post but I’m on a smartphone and I could not find it to update it. So I started a new one.

Well there we go Ohdear I think you and Naty should support each other and swap notes you have the same problems I also think you must just calm down about it learn to lock your door or go out more
If you ve not been well your mother in law might come in useful and have the baby for you while you get a rest a sleep or a visit to the hairdresser or spa for an hour
Good luck don’t make an enemy unless there’s absolutely no other way

And she replied “yes we just want you to get better
This combined with OP’s plea its driving me insane were what led me to believe she may need some medical help as she is clearly seriously stressed by a situation which many of us think could be addressed practically. It sounds as if it is really preying on OP’s mind.
All the talk of respecting boundaries, yes it is how some young women speak nowadays and I dare say we meant the same thing in our day but expressed it more simply. As in “Sorry I’m not free now/I’m busy/I’m on my way out/why don’t we fix a time in a couple of days or next week/got to go now I’m running a bath/in the middle of cooking” or whatever. Plus I certainly did not keep my doors unlocked (London )
My apologies for mixing you up with Naty - just such similar situations!

GN is an option and there are others.

Ohdear, lives in New Zealand and her mum lives 20 minutes away and her father lives in Australia. That's correct, isn't it, Ohdear?

Unless we can prove otherwise we have to take what we are being told as the truth and accept that in the whole world it is perfectly possible for two different people to have similar problems

On the 17th of Jan this year Naty said she was living in Italy