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I confronted my MiI, advice please.

(98 Posts)
Ohdear11 Wed 05-Feb-20 22:44:23

Okay so I’ve been here before asking opinions if I was valid to feel hurt and upset about my mils unannounced visits.

Long story short. I had told her before my baby was born that mil was to call first and not drop in unannounced.
But not once did she do this! We live very close so she literally would let herself into my house without even waiting for me to answer the door.
It took a huge toll on me and caused a lot of anxiety.
I since have confronted her after a long 8 months.

This is basically how it went (see below) and I just don’t feel she’s acknowledged what she did and that she disrespected my boundaries. Advice please? I don’t know how I am meant to move forward.....do I just let it go? It’s made me so angry that I finally said something and the fact she said she only did it twice (refer below also)

Thank you ladies xx

“So I addressed that mil didn’t listen to my requests Re visits and I reiterated the entire conversation her and I had had (not that I think she’s ever magically forgotten).
It was very obvious she was kind of ignoring it and wouldn’t acknowledge it, so she changed the subject....all the while im a bit annoyed and confused she had nothing to say.
She then asked me if she could help in anyway and so I said actually an explanation as to why you chose to not listen to me about my boundaries I had once I had the baby, is what I need right now. And she okay I made that mistake 2x and I was shocked!!! I said ummm sorry what do you mean? - her “I dropped in twice” . I was so livid, but I tried to stay calm and corrected her. “Actually no you dropped in way more than that”. She dropped in very often and at least 10 times during the early weeks which may not seem like much now but it was for me.
Her: “well it doesn’t matter if it was 10 or 20x can’t we move forward”. I told her it actually matters to me and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety and made things hard between my partner and I. She just refused to acknowledge what she did and couldn’t apologise.

**I don’t know how to move forward now...I don’t feel I’ve gotten closure from this experience at all and I would like some tips on what I can say to her while it’s all still fresh rather than leave it?

I since messaged and said thank you for the chat. I really want to clarify that my boundaries needed to be respected for me as a new mum and person regardless of any anxiety I had.

And she replied “yes we just want you to get better, on here to help that’s what families are for”

**I just feel she’s ignoring responsibility that she yes made a mistake but it wasn’t okay.
My fil has no idea that I’d asked her to call before visits and just thinks I’ve been stand offish with her for no reason. It’s driving me insane!

Yehbutnobut Wed 05-Feb-20 22:53:32

Bolt your door so she can’t walk in uninvited or unannounced.

No point in this becoming a running battle, there will be no winners and lots of losers.

MissAdventure Wed 05-Feb-20 22:57:26

Its quite hard for us grannies to give advice, because we're usually wrong and selfish, it seems.
I do understand how annoying it is to feel suffocated in your own home though, because I've a neighbour who calls in mine many times a day, given half a chance.

quizqueen Wed 05-Feb-20 22:58:09

Take her key away.

Apricity Thu 06-Feb-20 00:25:23

Where is your husband in all this? What are his views, are you on the same page? It's going to be very, very difficult if you do not share the same view of this situation.

What's past is past, try to let it go as much as you can. Rehashing who said what and when is probably not going to help much now. Not easy I know. The past can't be changed but you can have a plan on how you want future relations to be conducted. It's just not OK to enter someone's else's house without their permission (excepting emergency services of course) Quite simply it is legal trespass. This is about respecting you and your husband as independent adults with your own household. Your house, your rules. Relatives don't have to like it but they do have to respect it.

In the circumstances it is entirely reasonable to change the locks on any accessible external doors, and do not give them keys. It's your house. Advise both your MIL and FIL by text, email or even snail mail that the locks have been changed and unless they contact you prior to visiting and you say it's convenient they will not be allowed inside. And stick to it.

All the guff about wanting you to be 'better' is just self justifying garbage. This has nothing to do with her concerns for your health or wellbeing. This is a power struggle.

Good luck. 🍀💐

Hithere Thu 06-Feb-20 00:58:41

You know words do not work.
Where is your DH on this?

Change the locks and do not give her keys.
If she comes in without your permission, call the police as you have an intruder.

Every time she disregards your instructions, put her on a time out of 3 months or more. You and baby do not talk to her, see her, smell her, etc.
If she apologizes and changes her behaviour, you may think about talking to her again.

Buffybee Thu 06-Feb-20 01:21:40

I agree with Apricity, do not back-track with the conversation you have just had with her, in fact, message her and make your boundaries clear, one more time.
This woman sounds an absolute nightmare!
How thick skinned can you be?
You will have to be firm with her to the point of rudeness I think because she is so disrespectful of you.
I would be fuming as well OP.

notanan2 Thu 06-Feb-20 02:17:09

Are you the poster who lives in Italy in very close proximity to your ILs?

I think you are banging your head against a brick wall if you are waiting for a day when your MIL sees things your way

I would move TBH

Hithere Thu 06-Feb-20 02:24:00

notanan2,
I thought that was Naty

Hithere Thu 06-Feb-20 02:27:19

This is her background post

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/1270771-Please-help-My-MIL-does-not-listen?pg=2

vampirequeen Thu 06-Feb-20 02:31:49

Lock the door.

Madgran77 Thu 06-Feb-20 05:31:44

Apricity gives good advice...try to follow it. Focus on changing the future not arguing about the past.

You and your husband must be consistent on whatever you decide together. And definitely change the locks and be clear why you have done that ie "We have changed the locks because you walked into our house without asking or calling." When she says "only a couple of times" or whatever reply "It doesnt matter how many times, just once was too many so we changed the locks!" ...just keep repeating that statement.

I do think though that in the end you need to move to break away from all this

BlueBelle Thu 06-Feb-20 05:44:01

So you ve changed your name and come back with the same story that you ve had pages and pages of advice about
You are totally fixated on this, you have been given many ideas of what to do or what to try so you come back to get more attention
If the woman crawled backwards on her knees for the rest of her life you d still be going on about it
You are totally consumed by your in laws and I feel really sorry for them last we heard it was father in law looking through your window
Your poor husband I would look for some medical help for yourself if I was you

Chewbacca Thu 06-Feb-20 05:53:29

Is this the same MIL who is loved dearly but knows no boundaries? And there's a FIL who stares through the windows? And has an OP who wants to move to Canada? Or is it deja vu?

Chewbacca Thu 06-Feb-20 05:55:10

Cross posts BlueBelle; I thought it seemed rather familiar. hmm

Time to move on OP.

MawB Thu 06-Feb-20 06:01:10

If this is the case OP, I think you need help.
Please see a doctor as it sounds like a version of PND or at the very least talk it through with your H and agree to seek some counselling.

FlyingSolo Thu 06-Feb-20 06:52:24

I think you are all confusing this poor OP with a different poster. I believe the OP to be in New Zealand, not Italy.

BlueBelle Thu 06-Feb-20 07:41:22

Well if this is a different lady with a carbon copy problem I do apologise ohdear it is written so similarly with a very long original thread, it’s so alike that it certainly confused me and seemed so like the Italian mother in law thread
So ohdear disregard my previous answer but anyway my answers pretty much the same if this lady has apologised but still doing it lock your door and ‘be out’ when she tries to pop in whilst keeping as pleasant to her as possible I m sure she’s not a bad personality just over eager

MawB Thu 06-Feb-20 09:05:31

I think you are all confusing this poor OP with a different poster. I believe the OP to be in New Zealand, not Italy
I wonder what you base this on, Flying Solo?

Witzend Thu 06-Feb-20 09:12:09

I can never understand people who complain about relatives just walking in unannounced - but who don’t lock or bolt doors, or change the locks!

Presumably it’s the only way with people who are so lacking in manners that they don’t stop doing this when asked. I can’t agree that it’s just a case of being ‘over eager’ when she’s been specifically asked not to do it.

How many GNers would just barge in unannounced after being asked not to?

Urmstongran Thu 06-Feb-20 09:17:24

And she replied “yes we just want you to get better, on here to help that’s what families are for”

That was the telling sentence for me.

I think you are obsessing and have lost your perspective OP. You might be depressed? Why not see a health professional and start to feel happier this Spring?

Best wishes.

Hetty58 Thu 06-Feb-20 09:20:43

Oh, no, not again 'Ohdear11'!

You ask: 'Do I just let it go?' - yes, let it go - you are obsessed and fixated on this. Seek help asap with your GP!

NanaandGrampy Thu 06-Feb-20 09:25:19

What exactly do you want her to do ? ohdear*. If she apologises for the specific number of times would that make you feel better?

Is her apology enough to stop you being angry with her? Or do you just want to be angry with her anyway because no matter how many times she apologies she will still have broken your rules initially.

She cant take back what she did ( which I frankly think isn't worth getting even slightly annoyed about- the ball was in your court to stop her!) , so can she ever do anything that will make up for it?

I don't think so . I think you have to decide if this is how you want to frame a relationship that should/could go on for many years. Its down to you to make it what you want it to be .

Daisymae Thu 06-Feb-20 09:26:50

She's never going to see things your way so for her there's no problem. I would see how things go now that you have spoken to her. And get a bolt.

Shelmiss Thu 06-Feb-20 09:57:35

Naty, or whatever you are calling yourself now - why have you changed your name?