Childminder

It's called boundaries. I have a friend whose daughter treats her like dirt because she sometimes says no. I would love to.Be in your shoes as my DIL absolutely will.not let.us have our grandson.

I pick up grandchild after school one day a week ( drive is over an hour) stay for dinner then drive home - done since she started school, and love it! in hols do two days with sleepover ( gives OH a free day too). She is 9 now and we have a great relationship!
Expected she would be only grandchild but son has now had a baby son - I think he expected me to babysit immediately, child mind etc but they live over 2 hrs away and at 69 do not feel up to it, He got cross when I said no but I explained I didn't do that for GD, until she'd reached school age, He got over it but I did feel a bit guilty for a while.. GS is just a delight and want him to know us so when GD starts senior school I bet I start a day child minding him! Even though it'll take over 2 hours to get there...Watch this space! So do what you feel is best for you.

I agree with those like grandtante suggesting compromise.

My GC have just left after 5 days stay , my daughter so enjoy our times together . I went straight back to bed , because I could ! Lovely.
When she returns to work in July , I will do 2 days a fortnight. She has worked round the other family helpers as well , plus the childminder.
I will look forward to my slot , it keeps you fit & creative .
Every week would kill me. It’s a balance , did every week for other daughter with twins. I also had my mum with dementia living here too, that was tough !.

well said, grannytomany.
~OP please take note.

There came a time when I gently said No to any more regular childminding of grandchildren. I’d done it for 10 years plus with lots of overnights as well because of shift work and when those two children didn’t need me as much and I was asked to take on two toddlers instead I plucked up courage to say No. I explained that I/we had done our share of looking after children and grandchildren and that we ready for a rest and to be able to enjoy life without so many commitments. People were quite shocked at first and didn’t think we meant it at first but I assured them that we’d be happy to be the emergency backup for illness etc., and that’s what we’ve done. The parents had to pay for regular childcare and I don’t suppose that went down very well but after raising 5 children of our own I think we deserved to have a reasonably no strings retirement. I don’t regret the decision at all. It’s too easy to be taken for granted and to feel too guilty to say no.

trying to guilt=trip people esp family members into doing things or bending to our will is not a recommendable way to live.
we can all slip into it.
and then we can decide to step out of it.
live your own life.
you do not owe anyone anything.
go about, explore, be with your partner/ friends while you can. why should your life be drudgery, and restricted because of others' life decisions.
fairness doesn't come into it. you cannot be contracted into something that wasn't discussed, far less agreed. you've done your slogging. it's your turn now. go, live. be yourself. not just a convenience for others.

These are not your children, they are your children's children and their not your responsibility.

You brought your children up, explain you could have them , maybe once or twice a week, but you need time for yourself x

It is hard work and a big commitment and gets more difficult as you get older. Your health is a big factor. You may be fit and healthy now but you may not be in another five years time. Do the things you want to do now while you have the chance. There is a reason why we give birth when we are young!! Explain how you feel to your daughter. The guilt will wear off.

Yanbu

Was there ever an agreement with both daughter's about this subject?

Young children are hard work. There is a thread running on mumsnet at the moment where a mother feels guilty/sad because she does not enjoy looking after her small children on her day off from work. Many other mothers on mumsnet empathise with her and say they much prefer their working out of home days to their childcare days ...and they are much younger than we grandmas.

I understand where they are coming from in prefering the adult interaction of a working day to the often isolating and exhausting business of taking care of small children.

If some younger mothers feel this, it is no wonder that grandparents, older, easier tired and doing this for a second generation having brought up their own, sometimes feel the strain.

Of course some gps love it but there is no need to do it all over again if you are feeling past it this time or just want some me time. If I could I would offer one day, maybe Monday, having had the weekend and then the rest of the week, and emergency cover. Sometimes it seems as gps, we are reluctant to be honest in case we upset the apple cart. But our grown up children love us and should understand that with time, energy levels decrease, and we just can't do what we used to.

Also it's ok to want a little free time to do our own thing before we get too old. Good luck in sorting this op

Saggi you are some woman & your family are extremely lucky to have you. May you continue to be able to do all you do and may it continue to give you happiness.
Every person is different with varying levels of energy, wellness and affinity with youngsters.
It's very important to be true to oneself, to look after oneself.
We can admire the achievements of others while taking a healthy pride in our own.
It is a valuable gift to know oneself & ones own limitations.
If you try to do too much not only do you put your own wellbeing at risk but you also risk the wellbeing of those in your care.
Today's parents are under such stress they sometimes ask too much because they're overwhelmed themselves.
Plain talking is called for, as is compromise on all sides.
The parents themselves would benefit from a shorter working week ( where possible), the extra time spent with their children would pay dividends that far outweigh the sacrifices needed to offset the smaller pay slip.

I've looked after GC for 17 years now ,I had one GD for half of every week for 10 years ,day and night as her parents split and Dad came home to us.He worked odd shifts so I looked after her.I loved it.I have a great relationship with all four now ,the eldest 17,txts me with photos of his attempts at cooking and asks me to rate them .The girls msg me almost daily to tell me things and ask for advice when mum isn't too good and tag me in FB posts Their mother is confined to bed with multiple health issues and I am so glad that they can turn to me whenever they need .
Theres a new baby now and I dont think I'll get her as her mum has a mum and 3 sisters and they already fight over who gets her so I'll be bottom of the list .I think it keeps you young ,you keep in touch with all the latest music and fashion and they are my joy and delight .I wouldn't change a thing .

It’s a bit difficult when you have done it for one of you AC and now your other one wants you to do the same, until schooltime, if it was me I’d say I will do it a couple of times week, that way you are still helping out and having a bit of time to yourself, there’s a lot of difference between watching one and watching more though, so I would explain to your daughter that you could do this couple of times week, but of course if you don’t want to just tell her the truth you are wanting and looking forward to metime

Annie221 - you have watched one GD who is now starting school. Now you are being asked to watch 'children' so more than one, both younger. You are getting older and probably four years older than you were when you first started looking after your GD. These things are easy to explain to your other daughter - it can't be helped that you are getting older and that her children are younger than the GC you looked after.
I also wonder whether there might be a compromise that keeps you in touch with the GC - like maybe you have them for one day a week. I realise that for you to be asked to look after two children probably means that you are 'free' whilst the child minder is not but you might make a partial offer.

Is there another granny on the scene. If so could you share the childcare. When my first grandchild was born 19 years ago I used to look after him for one day and night over the weekend for mum and dad to have a break. Three more followed and I like to think that I've done my share. My daughter's girls are 7 & 8, and she's gone back to work 3 days a week, but as a nurse it's shiftwork. The other gran and myself take turns in having them after school etc but I'm in my 60's now and it's not half as easy as it was looking after the first one.

Mollygo.... I do e a toy the same as you , only my day starts at 6am. I don’t drive so walk three miles to get there home by 7.00 ,get kids breakfast , daughter and son in law leave house at 7.30, see 12 year old off to his school , take 8 year old to her school . Back home on two busses.... do what I have to do ( disabled husband) ... start back at 2 o’clock , this time in two busses ( thank goodness for bus pass) pick up youngest at 3.30. Wait for eldest to co e home, get their dinner. Wait for parent to get home ( 5.30ish) then start back home in two busses. Get home about 6.15 and start our dinner . Only three days a week , but love it... and never been fitter . I’ll hate it when they dont need me anymore .

I am afraid I am one of the just say no lot. First, no one asks before they get pregnant if you would mind, secondly just because you have done it for one doesn't mean doing for everyone else. You age and things change. Also what your time. Sorry but it wold be a big no no with no guilt.

It's a very difficult situation as others have already said, as you don't want to cause resentment. Thrte have been some good suggestions for compromising. I feel for you as I couldnt/wouldn't do it. I collect 2 grandsons twice a week from school and only have them for an hour. I have bad bouts of depression and even that us a struggle sometimes. However my dd and sil are very good and limit how much uch they ask me. Sadly for many grandparents, it turns into a chore because you don't have the energy that one used to.

Annie221, looking at things quite bluntly, you are older now, you looked after one previously but are now being asked to take more than one both at the same time. Plus no doubt the original child during sickness, school holidays etc. Plus any more that may come along - because you will have set a precedent. Let's face it you now would like some time to enjoy your retirement while you both have your health, mobility, inclination and each other! Wanting to enjoy your lives is not selfish, you are being honest in admitting it. However, i can predict this being a future bone of contention if you don't set some ground rules now and inform both sets of parents. Tell them kindly but very firmly what you are and are not prepared to do so that any future claims of favouritism can be knocked into touch, but don't forget that you are not obliged to provide childcare. Maybe offer the new candidates 2 days a week, after all there was only one previously. Don't be emotionally blackmailed & listen to your gut instinct. A dear friend of mine decided on a certain age and then told her children no more childcare beyond that point and gave them due warning and she stuck to it (and in hindsight is glad she did, although it was hard at first because she's one of life's helpers).

My mother was my childminder for 18 months but refused to do likewise for my sister some 8 years later. I do try to help out as much as possible but as my single daughter always says ‘they chose to have them’. I’ve stopped feeling guilty about saying no. We’ve all worked hard and brought up our own.

It is really hard at our age! I am 68 and look after one 3vyr old for 6 hours twice a week. I love him to bits but it does really tire me out, I work 2 mornings as well so I don't do the housework and gardening which needs doing on the days I'm off! I just haven't got the energy.

Not training - reasoning x

My mum looked after my brother and sisters kids till they went to nursery/school, but whenever I asked I got a no. It hurt, even though I understood her training so please tread carefully and talk to her about it. I still feel hurt 18+ years later, even though I know there was no hurt or malice intended from my mum xxx