Mothers Day

And CAPITALS summerlove, are not always SHOUTING(as in text-speak) just often as cant use italics,or whatever,to differentiate them,as just used above by amoria,(&myself)

Nannan2

You’re suggesting that the DD should be making the effort to see her mom as well, and that her husband may have ‘vetoed’ it, without any actual information to suggest that. The OP has heard this entirely through hearsay from her other daughter, they may full well be intending to pop in and drop cards/presents.

But, even if they aren’t, what is the big deal, really? I’ve not spent every Mother’s Day with my mother. My first year as a new mom I spent it just DD, DH and I, DH wanted to take me out and treat me for the day as I was in the middle of all sleep deprived stage and he thought I deserved treating and celebrating my first year as a mom. We saw both of our mothers either side of the day. The next year we popped in to both of our mothers on the morning and went and did something on the afternoon that’s just for us. Neither of our mothers had an issue with it, as MiL said ‘I’ve done my parenting, it’s your turn now’, she also bought me chocolates for Mother’s Day as well, to thank me for the job I do with her grandchild. We do the same with Father’s Day as well.

I fully expect that as DD gets older and maybe has her own family that will change and she will become the centre of that day, and I’d be happy then to see her happy.

Becoming a mum was obviously so important to your daughter, IVF is not easy to go through and many women find it very draining. Let her enjoy her first mothers day and be happy for her.
She will see you another day.

My sons come round at some point close to the date- my elder son is separated from his wife- very good friends still though- so usually comes on the day.My younger son comes round but takes his wife out with the children on the day itself.
I am fine with that- I had my time when they were little & now my DiLs deserve the same treatment.

A half an hour visit on the way is not unreasonable.just to drop the cards off.take a photo.see the baby.wave them off.

Hopefully the OP is reflecting on these responses. That may be why she hasn’t responded yet. My ACs both live at opposite ends of the country and I live in the middle, so I very rarely see them on Mother’s Day. However as my DD and my 2Dils are all mothers (DD is in a gay relationship) then I am happy for them all to celebrate with their own families. They both send me cards and gifts always thanking me for what I do for them or did for them, which isn’t much because of where we all live. I have never resented this arrangement. OP should be grateful if her family are close enough to visit frequently. Like Christmas, Easter and Father’s Day it’s just another day.

I can see that.

No need to shout.

But DD allegedly wants to have the day to herself, with her husband and child. Stopping in elsewhere changes that.

What’s wrong with Saturday? I’d much rather have a planned visit on a different day, then have to feel squeezed in before or after lunch. Especially if the baby is young and on a schedule they may only have a short window to get out.

So was the reason you paid for your daughter's IVF on condition that she spend every single mother's day with you? Are you intending to use it as a bargaining chip every time they want to do something you don't agree with? Is the fact that you give and do everything for them just so they feel obligated to bow down to your wishes on any given occasion?

If this sounds harsh then that is how you are coming across in your own words. Your eldest daughter obviously longed to become a mother herself and you helped make that happen but now you and your ego are not allowing her to celebrate her own motherhood for the very first time. Really sounds like you paid out not with a smile but an ulterior motive so yes you are being very unreasonable. A real and loving parent should give their time, and money if needed, freely and without any expectations or demands. So what if both daughters have always had lunch with you for years, times change, situations change, get over yourself and put your eldest daughter's happiness and feelings first, which is what any loving parent does.

I might ask what about her husband's mother? When does he get to see his mother on mother's day? If your eldest wants to see you on the Saturday so flipping what! It means you have two days of celebration not one. You can have long cuddles with the grandchild you paid for without your grandson feeling pushed out by the new baby then on Sunday you can make a fuss of him without distractions of the baby.

I am also going to ask what will happen in future years when your grandchildren grow up and want to take THEIR mother out or spend the day treating her? I had to juggle myself between my demanding mother and spending time doing things with my own children and it was a complete nightmare. Consequently I rarely spent any time on mother's day enjoying being a mother myself as I had to be a daughter and go to see my mother because that was what was expected of me lest I upset her feelings even though I saw her twice or three times a week every week, took her out shopping and to lunch every week.

This year on mother's day my daughter will be working, caring for someone else's mothers and I am proud of her for it and when she finishes her shift her daughters will have dinner with her and give her their gifts. I will put no pressure on her to come over and see me as well or even buy me anything if she can't afford it as I know money is tight for them at the moment. My son lives 2 hours away with his family and he is busy running his own successful business and will be under pressure to complete projects and invoice them out before the end of the month so again I will put him under no guilt at not being able to spend time with me on mother's day.

I am no saint or unselfish earth mother or anything like that it's just that I have absolutely no need whatsoever for them to buy me anything or have them take me to lunch or dinner on that one particular day as if to prove they love and care for me because I KNOW that they do, and are grateful too for whatever I do for them as they say thank you and do things for me of their own free will THROUGHOUT the year to show their appreciation. OK I get that it's NICE to be made a fuss of on mother's day and made to feel special but if you NEED your children to see you and treat you on that day and get upset if they don't then you really should take a long hard look at why.

No summerlove,its suggesting she goes off to the lunch theyve booked but also making time for her own mum too to see her& the new baby.CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?

I'd rather have time with my children because they wanted to be with me not due to media/commercial pressure. Pubs and restaurants are crowded, over priced most places trying to fit in two if not more sittings on Mother's Day. The food is usually poor with little choice as well. Go out the next weekend when its quieter with fewer badly behaved children.

If she still insists on the saturday,maybe you can have that with her AND the sunday with your other daughter- maybe you go to her house and share it with her whole family? It might be just as nice to have two mothers day celebrations? If youve no choice.

I suppose you could always ring your DD and suggest she 'does her own thing' this yr for mums day,but ask her to call before or after lunch so can see new baby too and she can give your gift/ card if they've got anything?

....this is the exact opposite of suggesting she does her own thing. Surely you see that?

How very selfish, you have had your daughters attention on Mother’s Day for years, now she has her own child it is her turn, she is a mother too and deserves to spend the day with her husband and child being as pampered as you have always been.

And why shouldnt you!-even if its only for a little half hour visit on their way to the lunch to take some lovely photos? So youl all have a treasured memorable photo of the day on your wall etc? And why has she not rung and mentioned it yet? Is she ever going to,or just not bother showing up on mothers day& leave it to her sister to 'do the dirty work' of letting you down?

Why can’t photos be done on Saturday?

Why put the daughter In a “bad guy” role here? We don’t know why it hasn’t been mentioned, However there is nothing to suggest that she just wouldn’t show up. It doesn’t sound like they were any firm plans made anyway.

It is perfectly reasonable they'd want to celebrate it as their own little family,but also reasonable that the daughter would wish to share it with her own mum too! At least a tiny bit of it! I would.as im sure lots of daughters would.( the posters other daughter does!) I suppose you could always ring your DD and suggest she 'does her own thing' this yr for mums day,but ask her to call before or after lunch so can see new baby too and she can give your gift/ card if they've got anything?as you'd very much like to take some photos of her first mums day also?which would let her off the hook,but show youre willing to compromise? See what she says? Its seems a good middle ground to me as yes,i too would want to share at least a very small part of this memorable day for you both.maybe nxt year you wont be as bothered,but yes,i can see why this 'first' is special to you too.

Ceitdh, I understand how you are feeling upset and I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time from many of the posters here, some of whom might think about being kinder to a new and upset granny. ?

Mother’s Day has become an emotional minefield for many, and although we know it’s fundamentally a marketing ploy by card manufacturers (!), it’s becoming bigger and bigger in people’s minds. It’s celebrated on different days in different countries, so quite easy to create your own special day!

We often don’t see our daughter on Mothers Day, so we plan a lunch or dinner a few days beforehand, which works very well.

As others have said, it’s just a day, and you can plan another special day with your daughter and her very lovely baby. ?

It's your daughters mother's day too and I really do not see that we as mother's have a right to expect treatment that we are not allowing them. Since my GC were born I haven't seen my son on the day, it's DILs day and he puts her first as I would expect him too. I would rather see them another day that suits everyone than force them to call in or include me and cause resentment. I would only be upset if they didn't want yo arrange anything at all.

I would have been so excited(as the DD) id have rung my mum straightaway and said im going to a special lunch,but ''ill call in to see you on the way dont worry''- would have been added,and then NO one would be worried they were being let down,and everyone would see i was celebrating my mum status,but also not forgetting i have a mum too.-does her husband think now shes a mother,she doesnt need her own mum? Hes not given her chance to make her own mind up? Hes said,oh we're doing this instead this year?! I will wager his own mum is not around? My own adult children are not all near to me,but always send gifts/ cards,and we get together if we can,(including my sons) as most have families and my youngest DD works wkends,but its not for them not wanting to,its just circumstances,and yes sometimes we share mothers day,sometimes we dont,but its not because its someone elses descision.

Ceitdh. Let het go with her husband, she's a new mum he wants to treat her. Go with her another day. It doesn't bother me as long as I get a card. I'd r rather be taken out on another day, less expensive.

If i was the daughter,id want to at least go visit my mum with my new baby on the way to lunch out just for a bit as usual,to share my very special first mums day with her too or i would not be able to enjoy my lunch- ì dont understand it- or maybe her hubbys vetoed her popping in, in case she invites everyone to join them and his plans to keep them to himself are scuppered?i can see why next year might be different as child will be bit bigger,and they can go out& do more as a family,but why the daughter does not want to share a small part of this special 'first' with her mum& sister i dont understand sorry.

Ceitdh - you're not thinking sensibly here - you want your children to be with you on Mother's Day but your daughter has now become a mother herself and her husband, quite rightly, wants to celebrate her status as a mother to their new child. You are definitely being unreasonable - it seems more than that - it seems selfish as you want her to be celebrated as a mother on the day beforehand, so you're actually downgrading her status as a mum in favour of yours - you need to accept this change otherwise you may find you see much less of this daughter and her family.

sounds like she owes you then god forbid she spend time with her child on mothers day as what seems like a much wanted child and her husband wants to treat her for becoming a mum , my daughter has just had her first baby and they are goung to spend the day together im so happy for them to be able to celebrate together . dont be so selfish its not all about you and please dont make her ferl like it is

Ceitdh, you are probably feeling quite battered here after the very strong views. I think, in some ways, your feeling are perfectly valid although the IVF comment probably makes it sound like you feel you bought and paid for their loyalty. I think the disappointment you feel is upsetting, especially if it is the first thing time this has happened. How you handle it is the key. Most of us feel a pang of upset when things change and we have to move on so that is where you are at. The reasonable thing to do is to be gracious about it because the alternative is to sour relations. Even if your daughter gives in and spends the time with you, it isn't what she wants to do so what is the point in that? Better to be with someone who actually wants to be with you on another day.
I have a son whose MIL died so everything is very low key because it is so painful for his wife. I don't always see my daughter but I know that what is written in her card is heartfelt because she just wouldn't buy a card that said something she didn't mean. It is one of those few times of the year I am recognised for the mother she thinks I am albeit by stealth! My youngest is away at Uni so I might get a text message if he sobers up long enough! Does it change the way I feel about them or they about me? Nope, and the plus side is that I get to spend some time again with my Mum who has been rather in the background for the 35 years my kids have been with me. Incidentally, she paid for my ICSI for the last born and whilst I was very grateful, it was irritating when she trumped it out to try to get me into line.
Finally, now my children treat me the same as I treated her, she is beginning to understand that it was never an intended slight, just a lack of being able to be in 2 places at once. Sadly, it doesn't look like it won't be long before she can't remember who I am let alone whether it is a special day.

A bit selfish expecting you to be priority over your DD who is now a mother. You have been priority but dynamics change and your DD takes precedence with her own family now.

Why mention that you paid for the IVF??
Be happy you have a new grandchild and that your daughter is now a mum!